This Is Your Life

We're Moving (and this time, only virtually!)

2011-04-15T12:06:00.000-05:00

To the faithful few,

I've moved to a new blog address. This one is going into the archives. The new blog promises to be all that and MORE! How's that for no description at all? Please "follow" me over there! I have some surprises in store. I'm actually putting thought into it. Lots of love guys. It's been fun.

Hilary

OH YEAH. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHERE IT IS.

hilarysutton.blogspot.com

yay for a little something new!!! it is spring after all. :)
Please stop by and tell me whatcha think!

Every day is a winding road...

2011-03-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

(*I wrote this entry last Friday but am just now getting to post it...)

I’m on my way to New York.

But not to audition. Not to do my independent I DO WHAT I WANT! Lemme at those dreams thing.

Mainly…

To see a boy!

I really didn’t know anyone could be so sweet. Or…would be so sweet. It’s crazy yall. He’s so communicative. So available. So open. So not self-protecting. He’s real with me. He gets me—and if there’s any part of me that he doesn’t “get” he wants to. He cares. And on top of all of that, I look up to him.

I LOOK UP TO HIM.

I LOOK UP TO HIM!

Do you know how often that has happened in my life?

Especially with anyone who’s attempted to date me?

I admire him. I want to be more like him. It’s incredible.

I never knew it could really be like this. I wanted it to be like this. But disappointments and reality checks came as early as 16. So do you get why I’m a little in shock that this is happening when I’m knocking on 26’s door?

Feelin pretty undeserving and lucky.

Since I was 18 here’s how it’s gone:

Nashville>Lynchburg>Colorado Springs>Lynchburg>Pigeon Forge>Lynchburg>Orlando>Roanoke>Nashville>New York>Nashville>Lynchburg>Wytheville>New York>Lynchburg.

And all those twisty winding roads led me right here.

So.

Wonder what kind of surprise might pop up on your winding road when you’re not expecting it. Better keep your eyes open and chin up…or you could miss it.

To Life!!! L'Chaim

2011-02-02T20:17:00.000-06:00

As some of you know I've jumped on the IN THE HEIGHTS bandwagon a little late but no less passionately than all the others. In November I finally saw the show that won the Tony Award for Best Musical in 2008. I loved it so much I took my family to see it a month later. It has quickly become my favorite show. The creator and composer/lyricist Lin Manuel-Miranda grew up in Washington Heights (the part of Manhattan where I lived for 3 months this past fall/winter) and penned this beautiful musical about his beloved neighborhood. The story is particularly touching to me because it centers around an immigrant community and it hits close to home as my own maternal great-grandparents arrived on Ellis Island less than 100 years ago.

I found this video of Lin Manuel singing the song "To Life" from the musical FIDDLER ON THE ROOF at his own wedding this past September. It delights me because not only do I think he is awesome and the video is just delightful, but also because it is a song from my own culture!

If you need a little refresher on the original here ya go! (And with subtitles I fully expect you to be singing along):

Amusing Ourselves to Death (my first reaction)

2011-01-31T09:00:00.005-06:00

"No clearer example of the difference between earlier and modern forms of public discourse can be found than in the contrast between the theological arguments of Jonathan Edwards and those of, say, Jerry Falwell, or Billy Graham, or Oral Roberts. The formidable content to Edwards' theology must inevitably engage the intellect; if there is such a content to the theology of the television evangelicals, they have not yet made it known." -Neil Postman, 1985 Amusing Ourselves to Death

Zing!

I am loving this fascinating read that I am (ironically?) working through in my Mass Media Theory class (at the very university Dr. Falwell founded in 1971). My professor is a sharp Northwestern grad that encourages balanced dialogue and critical thinking. Mr. Postman's criticism of the Age of TV is still relevant but must be considered differently in light of the changes that have occurred in media. No longer are we simply recipients of 1-way communication. Now not only are we are constantly selecting (even down to advertisements thanks to DVR and Hulu) the media we'll take in but we are also responding back to it. With Twitter, conversation between "regular people" and "celebrities" occurs instantaneously. (This happened to me with Tony-winner and star of ABC's 'Private Practice' Audra McDonald.) With Youtube's comment section all voices are made equal. The question our professor has challenged us with as we are reading Postman's book is: Given that virtually all media have some form of consumer/end user input to the communication system; does this affect Postman's conclusions?

With the advent of new media, lectures have become conversations and mindless agreement has been replaced by brazen honesty. What are the next steps in this process of reshaping media? I don't have a prediction yet. However, I'm excited to continue reading a book for a class that absolutely relates to my life. And they said grad school was impractical. Pssh.

What I'm doing in grad school

2011-01-21T18:51:00.000-06:00

When I first heard the words "face" and "book" paired together I was a sophomore in college. I was 19. 4 years after 9-11. Midway through the Bush years. Coldplay, The O.C., and Napoleon Dynamite were all quite culturally relevant. In those days Facebook was only available to college students. We used it to keep in touch over the summer, flirt, and entertain ourselves when we were supposed to be listening to lectures. It acted as an online presence representing the social experience that was happening in college towns across the country. We were wary at first but quickly decided Facebook was great and Myspace was obsolete.

That was 6 years ago.

Now I can count on my hands the number of people I know who don't have a Facebook account. It is a prime form of keeping in touch, self-expression, and the exchange of ideas. My uncle calls it "town square." My mom uses it to reconnect with people she hasn't seen in 30 years. My 13-year-old cousin uses it to display inside jokes with friends. My sister uses it to keep up with former classmates in the States while she lives abroad.

My question is: What is this platform of communication doing to us? Our psyche? Our attention span? Our manners? Our compassion? Our listening skills? Our ability to multitask? Our productivity? My guess is: a lot.

So I'm in grad school studying it. And when I figure it out, I'll let you know. :-)

Words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

2011-01-17T09:54:00.000-06:00

"We are now faced with the fact, my friends, that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there is such a thing as being too late. Procrastination is still the thief of time. Life often leaves us standing bare, naked, and dejected with a lost opportunity. The tide in the affairs of men does not remain at flood -- it ebbs. We may cry out desperately for time to pause in her passage, but time is adamant to every plea and rushes on. Over the bleached bones and jumbled residues of numerous civilizations are written the pathetic words, 'Too late.'"

-- Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., April 4, 1967

I'm starting grad school today! More later...

that (2010) and this (2011)

2011-01-02T13:03:00.000-06:00

I’m blessed.

I’m blessed for a lot of reasons.

One reason is that I’ve only ever felt depressed once in life. And I’m pretty sure it was directly correlated to some medicine I was taking. Other than that unless I’m going through a breakup or some other really sad experience I wake up every day feeling glad to be awake. I know that some people don’t experience that. So I’m grateful that I’m generally happy.

I’m also blessed because I have options. I could stay in New York and pursue a career in acting. I could pursue a career in writing. I could go to grad school. I could return to Lynchburg where I’m within a 20-minute drive to a host of people I love. I could venture out to California or Austin or Seattle or Edinburgh or….

I’m blessed that God’s given me a variety of options and a constitution to be happy walking down a number of different paths. (Oh that yellow wood with its diverging courses…)

Sometimes it frustrates me that I don’t know exactly this one specific course I want in life. It makes me feel like a failure to not pursue one specific thing because then I don’t have a tangible accomplishment. But I’m reminded that the point of all this is the journey not the destination. And life is a marathon not a sprint.

I’m impulsive. I thrive on change. Ironically that thriving only occurs when I’m the catalyst and doesn’t when it wasn’t my idea. If it’s a matter I can’t control I don’t much care for it.

2010 brought some really high highs in my life. There were only a couple of really sucky points. There was way more good than bad. And a lot more exciting than dull. And a lot more meaningful than forgettable. There’s nothing more sad to me than when I look back on a season and can’t really remember what happened. It’s as if it never existed. 2010 was definitely not that. Tons of memories are etched in my mind's eye.

As the year changes over to the next I’m reminded of the brevity of it all…of what I actually hold dear…and who I want to be in 2011. I want to be someone who trusts God more, someone who holds on to faith when I feel forgotten. Someone who is more giving: in time, grace, love and sacrifice. I want to be someone who practices prudence and considers consequences.

I want to be someone who would inspire me.

Here’s to making it one better than the last.

Words of 2010

2010-12-24T11:53:00.000-06:00

Throughout the course of 2010 I have collected passages from various writers that have inspired me, resonated with me, provided solace to me, taught me something, or reminded me of truth that I had known for a long time. This post contains all of them in the chronological order in which I found them. Overall I think this has been the best year of my life.

“When one door closes another opens; but we often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” –Alexander Graham Bell

"If you were planning a career in dentistry, archeology, or accounting instead of performing, you would not be at all surprised to learn that establishing yourself requires the mastery of specific skills, as well as the investment of serious amounts of time and dollars. Yet show business, more than any other field of endeavor, is so loaded with legends of success achieved by accident, with tales of plucky but enthusiastic amateurs winning out over seasoned professionals, that it is frequently perceived as a fantasy playground even by those who make their living in it.
Every dramatic form has glorified the waif who gets off the bus in Los Angeles or New York with little more than a knapsack, a pair of tap shoes, and a load of moxie. She then collides with the powerful producer, celebrity, or agent who, struck by her artless quality, declares, 'You're what this tired old town needs,' makes a few phone calls and, in minutes, transforms her into a superstar. Doesn't that sound like the plot of a movie you've seen a couple of times? It's a wonderful story. Let's hope you can audition for the lead when they cast the next remake. In the meantime, let's not confuse that myth with reality." –How to be a Working Actor by Mari Lyn Henry & Lynne Rogers

"We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in. Most human beings are dedicated to keeping that one door shut. But the writer's job is to see what's behind it, to see the unspeakable stuff, and to turn the unspeakable into words--not just into any words but if we can, into rhythm and blues." -Anne Lamott

“Your favorite memories, most important moments in your life-were you alone?”
“No I guess not.”
“Life’s better with company. It needs a co-pilot.”
--Up In the Air

“As believers we cannot always know why, but we can always know why we trust God who knows why, and that makes all the difference.” –Os Guinness

“Just once, perhaps…listen to your heart. Sometimes the heart should do things without the brain’s permission.” –Connie Vorderman

“May He give you what your heart desires and fulfill your whole purpose.” –Psalm 20:4

“I still believe in summer days. The seasons always change. And life will find a way.” -Winter Song Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson

“I look to the hills from whence cometh my Help.” Psalm 121

"Let your boat of life be light-packed with only what you need:
a homely home & simple pleasures,
someone to love & someone to love you,
a cat, a dog & a pipe or two,
enough to eat & to wear
& a little more than enough to drink
for thirst is a dangerous thing."
-Jerome Klapka Jerome

“Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skillful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.” –William A. Foster

“There is an art of which every man should be a master—the art of reflection. If you are not a thinking man, to what purpose are you a man at all?” –William Hart Coleridge

“Every wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1

“If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies; unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears.” –Glenn Clark

“If you want trust, trust others. If you want respect, respect others. If you want help, help others. If you want love and peace in your life, give them away. If you want great friends, be one. That’s how it works.” –Dan Zadra

“Live in the sunshine. Swim in the sea. Drink the wild air.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I got the sun in the mornin’ and the moon at night.” –Annie Get Your Gun

“There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different than the things we do.” –Freya Stark

“Tell me where’s the challenge if you never try?” –Jason Robert Brown

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” –Henry David Thoreau

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.” –Isak Dinesen

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” –Jim Carrey

“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.” –Steve Martin

“Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you.” John 14:27a

"You only live once, but if you work it right, once is enough." -Joe E. Lewis

"We need mavericks and dreamers and dissenters far more than we need junior vice presidents, but we paralyze them by insisting that every step be a step up to the next rung of the ladder. Yet often the only way for boys and girls to find their proper road is to take a hundred side trips, poking out in different directions, faltering, pulling back and starting again.
'But what if we fail?' they ask, whispering the dreaded word across the generation gap to their parents, back in the Establishment. The parents whisper back, 'Don't!'
What they should say is: 'Don't be afraid to fail.' Failure isn't the end of the world. Countless people have had a bout of failure and come out stronger as a result. Many have even come out famous. History is strewn with eminent dropouts, loners who followed their own trail, not worrying about its unexpected twists and turns because they had faith in their own sense of direction. To read their biographies is exhilarating, not only because they beat the system but because their system was better than the one they beat." –William Zinnser

I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine. ~Caskie Stinnett

“Life has got to be lived. That’s all there is to it.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

“How different people are. Some people ski solo to the north pole – while some have to summon all their courage to cross a restaurant floor.” –Elling

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“They suffer from stagnation of the brain & that surely produces stagnation of the soul in time. To feel and think and learn-learn always; surely that is being alive and young in the real sense. And most people seem to want to stagnate when they reach middle age. I hope I shall not become so, resenting ideas that are not my ideas and seeing the world with all its changes and growth as a series of congealed formulas.” –Freya Stark

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born here, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size and its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something.
...Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness; natives give it solidity and continuity; but the settlers give it passion. "— E.B. White

Paciencia y Fe. –Lin Manuel Miranda

This is my winter song to you...

2010-12-18T22:03:00.003-06:00

I spent 1/3 of this year performing at a dinner theatre and living in an air-condition-less ranch style house with 12 (sometimes more) other people. It was one of the most wonderful segments of my adult life. :-) During that time I got to produce meaningful art and grow friendships with people who I now hold dear. One thing that drew us together was our love of acoustic music and harmonizing. We loved singing a cover of "Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson (2 of my absolute faaaavorites). One random June day Erin's friend 'Smitty' came to town to visit. Smitty is a sound engineer and happened to have recording equipment in the trunk of his SUV. He set up shop in our living room and we recorded 'Winter Song.' 6 months later we got it back. It's bare bones--my guitar was the only instrument. Kim, Selah and Millie added on to the end for a lovely, ethereal chorus. Click here then click on 'Winter Song' to download it. I hope you enjoy. Happy Winter, Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year. Be blessed.

I still believe in summer days. The seasons always change and life will find a way.

Loving:

2010-12-09T21:07:00.000-06:00

Discounts, Free Stuff & Perks from Work
Right now I have a collection of these from juggling multiple jobs. But I love it! 50% off at a restaurant, 40% off at my favorite clothing store & free musicals galore? Yep. Loves it.

Maps, Geography & the Grid
I love globes. I love to know precise truth. And what truth is more precise than actual locations? I love telling a friend to meet me on the southwest corner of 49th & 8th and he or she knowing exactly where to meet me. Atlases make me happy.

Kids--especially the 5 & under variety.
While they seem to carry a propensity for spreading the common cold, these people in their first years of language skills say the most hilarious and thoroughly unexpected things. I'm noticing them more often here in the city...maybe because parents are getting them out to go visit Santa or to all these holiday events I have to go to for work...Also, when Disney movies are released I'm reminded again how much I look forward to having kiddos--espeeeecially little girls.

A day off of work now & again
This past week I experienced my first entire day off of work in 6 and 1/2 weeks. I slept in, had brunch with friends, went to church and had a relaxed evening. It prepared me for a wild and busy week and I think there is much truth to the common understanding that we humans need weekends. Mmmhmm.

The Christmas Spirit

Between the inflation of the Macy's Parade balloons, the beautiful windows on 5th Avenue, and the tree lighting in Rockefeller Center in addition to the smattering of holiday decorations and Christmas music I am in the throes of Christmas cheer here in the Big Apple and it is soooo charming. See?

2010-12-04T22:47:00.000-06:00

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born here, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size and its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is the New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something.
...Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness; natives give it solidity and continuity; but the settlers give it passion. "

— E.B. White

genius: (n.) a man of endless invention

2010-11-30T00:05:00.003-06:00

Tonight I slipped into seat 18 row AA in the balcony at the Skirball Center on NYU's campus and eavesdropped on a conversation between two of the most important voices in musical theatre. Tony Kushner, perhaps best known for Angels in America and Caroline or Change played the role of journalist to Stephen Sondheim's (West Side Story, Sweeney Todd, Gypsy, Company, etc) gracious legend.

The following are a collection of quotes from the evening. I only wish I brought a tape recorder.

When asked his thoughts regarding the connection between himself and his characters Sondheim said "When people think you are your work you become a cliche."
Speaking of his characters: "They are creatures that have nothing and everything to do with me."

Sondheim pointed out that the greats of the generation before him (Porter, Hart) revealed themselves through their music. It wasn't until after Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma! that lyricists were required to write music based on a story.

Regarding show material: "It's never occurred to me to write about a subject. I write about a story."

In discussing West Side Story Sondheim said that he and Jerome Robbins discussed the feeling and intensity needed for Anita's song and then "I just went home and wrote it."(By "it" he meant "A Boy Like That.")

Regarding "Rose's Turn" from Gypsy Sondheim in a fascinating turn discussed Jerry Robbins' initial concept for a ballet. Rose was to relive all the hardships of the past and struggles throughout the show up until that point. But, in large part decided by the talents of their leading lady, Sondheim and Robbins decided to pen "Rose's Turn" instead. Sondheim described to the audience Ethel Merman's response (complete with an impression of the diva): "Sounds more like an aria than a song!" He went on to say of Merman his inner monologue at the time: "She has no idea what she's doing and does it great."

Sondheim defines genius as "a man of endless invention" and gives that title to only one man he's known in his life: Jerry Robbins. Sondheim discussed the "games parties" he used to host. (Can you imagine?) He said that Robbins would invent games on the spot. One such game involved the party goers sitting in a circle and Robbins making sounds behind them (the click of a lighter or an umbrella opening) and guests would try to identify the noise. "Jerry was listening to things we heard but never noticed." Genius.

In a hilarious recount of the 80th birthday special Kushner compared Mr. Sondheim to Christ "complete with an ascension." (Kushner's sense of humor and low-key demeanor strikingly reminded me of an older Michael Cera.) Sondheim said "but Christ didn't openly sob in public."

Regarding his modesty Sondheim said "I know how good I am and I know what my flaws are."

When asked whether he goes where the music takes him or has an end goal with each song Sondheim said "a lyric is such a short form that you better know where you're going."

"Rhyme helps to prevent you from being trivial...It's about focus."
"Lyrics have to convey on first hearing what is going on."
"Lyrics must be surprising but not so dense they can't follow it."

Kushner then discussed Merrily We Roll Along and the role of politics in Sondheim's work. When asked whether he was optimistic about the future Sondheim said "I do believe in the goodness of man but I don't know that good always triumphs. But goodness does."

Rocco Landesman, the chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts then joined the conversation and asked Sondheim about his role as teacher. He noted that in Sondheim's new book Finishing the Hat he had a very pedagogical tone. "My life has been saved through teachers. It is the sacred profession." "Art is a form of teaching. That's why I'm so pleased to be an artist."

Sondheim proved further inspiring as he went on: "Art is conveying something about humanity...it [should] enlighten." Kushner expressed that in his view art is not necessarily teaching. Sometimes it is meant to "confuse them," he said in a joking tone.

The final topic asked of Sondheim to discuss was his view on critics--a timely topic given the painful reviews hurled at Spider-man after its first preview last night. "Critics have a stewardship to this vulnerable art form. It's not just about being honest about your opinion but knowing your role in the art form." Sondheim pointed out that without the luxury of advertising dollars critics have the power to see a show sink or swim. He expressed his delight that critics can't kill a book (speaking of Finishing the Hat) but they certainly have killed plays.

At the conclusion of the discussion the Public announced that Alec Baldwin will be hosting the next Public Forum on Tuesday December 14 entitled "Afghanistan After America".

some different things I've been thinking about this week...in no particular order.

2010-11-20T23:58:00.002-06:00

-A positive mindset is so important.

-When I meet someone extremely immature or reckless in New York it boggles my mind as to how they get by. You really can’t be a child flailing through this city and survive. You just can’t.

-Speaking of children—I’m making a pact to myself to stop dating them. (*I mean “children” in the figurative sense)

-The “best” art is that which highlights the human spirit…that characteristic that is in each of us, across the board no matter our opinions, gender, religion, sexual preference or race. That moment of astonished resonation in which you say “What? You too?!” One common theme I notice in art I like is this: Pursuing dreams is important. And I think we all have this pang within us to achieve goals. But more basic, more foundational is the need for love and relationships with others. We need community. We need to need and be needed.

-New York really does attract a certain kind of person. There’s something fearless about a New Yorker. But something sort of masochistic as well….

-I’m reminded through my work here that I don’t ever want a job where I deal directly with the raising of money or selling a product. These are not things I enjoy. They take the air out of my tires, the wind out of my sails if you will.

-Is there a chartable change that happens within friendships when you hit 25? Some of my oldest/closest friends have disappeared on me lately and I wonder what has changed that was the same a year or two ago…it’s not like we were in college then…but maybe people are more over their college memories by now? Do some of us live in the past for those first few years after college and then we get to a point where we just move on?

-I am fascinated by the implications of social networking. I can’t help but wonder how it has and is affecting us as a society. This fascinates me so much I may study it in graduate school.

-I have felt so spoiled getting to see (on average) 2 Broadway shows every week (usually) for free. The word “delight” comes to mind.

-I feel inspired to write. I saw a play reading on Friday about writers and I just feel inspired to write. I felt inspired before that too. I don’t have a specifically magical idea but I think that whole concept of sitting down at your desk until words come…I think there’s major truth in that. I like to write essays…I’ve written some monologues, lots of lyrics, some songs, and blogs (clearly) but I kind of want to write a story or a play. Hmm. Perhaps I’ll pencil in some sitting at my desk time (the figurative desk).

-Also, I’m reading Freya Stark’s biography and it’s deliciously written and so intriguing. It’s about this British girl who ended up being a travel writer in the Middle East in the early 20th century. Kind of unheard of right? Well a person who does that with her life has a unique set of circumstances that sets her up for doing such interesting work. I’m still only at the beginning of her life in the book but she has already gone through sorrowful heartbreak (her fiancé marries someone else) and a painful separation of her parents. In addition she has a passion for reading and writing from her earliest days and by the age of 25 she is fluent in 5 languages. I haven’t even gotten to the part where she goes to the Middle East! But I did underline a beautiful passage Freya wrote (I’m assuming after the aforementioned heartbreak):

“No crime short of murder can be comparable to the crime of destroying in another the capacity to love: and this happens sometimes through the rashness of parents, or the sight of misery in adolescence, but more often through some bitterness of experience when youth is defenseless…and wounds leave a scar difficult to heal.”

That’s all for now. There’s a glimpse into how many different random thoughts I have swirling through my mind at any given moment…oh also,

I’M SO EXCITED THANKSGIVING IS THIS WEEK!!!

As they say...wah wahhhhh.

2010-11-14T20:00:00.004-06:00

What a learning experience.

The first Broadway show I'm working on (as a street team and TKTS booth promoter) is ending its run a month early.

I've been bummed when other Bway shows have closed but they haven't exactly hit this close to home.

So if you hear about any work 'round here hollar! Thaaaanks!

I think a lot of actors are awful human beings. But...this nonetheless rings true...

2010-11-08T16:45:00.004-06:00

"I think that perhaps the people who call us neurotic or vain or exhibitionistic are unaware how many talented actors are that way only because they are without work opportunities, and therefore release their need for expression in alcohol or unreasonable behavior--or perhaps these people are jealous that when we do function we can do what they only dream of doing."

-Uta Hagen Resepct for Acting

NYC...looking back. 3 weeks in. Season 2. (Still too much to cover to really get very detailed...)

2010-11-05T22:46:00.004-05:00

"Being in NYC gives you your swagger back." -Pink

I couldn't have said it better myself.

3 weeks ago today I returned to the City that had been my dearest friend and worst enemy, a city that in the past has disgusted me, intimidated me, inspired me, mocked me, and made me feel like I could conquer anything.

As some of you know I left last time because I just couldn’t do it anymore. Literally. I was out of money and I had no decent housing options. One night I was folding shirts and I had this epiphany that I foresaw no certain end to my life of folding shirts. As an auditioning actress I couldn’t predict when daily routines of mindless monotony would end. I had to get out. Simultaneously I was going through the pains of a broken heart. New York was suffocating me and I needed a change. So I left. That was 1 year and 3 months ago.

Since then I lived with my Grandma, dyed my hair dark, began dating around (for the first time in 4 years), moved back to Nashville, out of Nashville, worked at that store some more, moved to VA, secured a consistent freelance writing job, performed for 4 ½ months professionally (euphoria), began writing music again, met some of my now dearest friends, spent 2 glorious weeks exploring Europe with my only sister, and led music for a small rural congregation for a month.
(And trust—this summary only covers some of it.)

Now I’m back. The time is right. I can financially afford to be here, I have a happy living situation with a friend, and I’m having a dramatically different experience. I am interning in the marketing department in a Broadway/Off-Broadway producer’s office (Fun fact: I’ve had Ken’s blog as a link on my blog for years. (Who I once admired from afar I now work for!) I’m learning tons about the business. I’m also learning a lot about what I like to do, what I have to offer and what work I find fulfilling.

Beyond that I have had the pleasure of seeing a number of plays and musicals: Memphis, A Life in the Theatre, Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage, Freckleface Strawbery, Wicked, & Macbeth. And 4 of the 6 I got to see for free! Not too shabby…

In addition to that I’ve gotten to reconnect with a great deal of friends, make a few new ones, go to a concert, spot Laura Linney on the street, smile at T.R. Knight in the green room at the Schoenfeld Theatre, eat way too much Chipotle and read 2 books.

New York never stops and I’d never wish for it to…Now that I’ve lived here and lived other places I recognize that if you’re right for NYC nowhere else really satisfies. You kind of forget that when you’re gone…but then you come back and you find your swagger again. And you can’t believe you ever wanted to be anywhere else.

NYC Season 2 Episode 1 in Numbers

2010-10-22T23:47:00.005-05:00

Days in New York: 7
Shows seen: 3
Jobs acquired: 2
Friends reconnected with: 10
Mice seen in apartment: 1
Rats seen on subway tracks: 3
Chipotle eaten: 2
Dresses worn: 1
Celebs spotted: 2
Mace purchased: 1
Book read: 1/2
Dates: Classified.

View from Weehawken, NJ taken on Tuesday night.

2010-10-14T14:15:00.002-05:00

Worth sharing:

1. I can't stop listening to this song.

2. I found this dance to be incredibly moving.

3. I go to New York tomorrow. I'm sure there will be stories quite soon. I feel so much older/wiser/better prepared this go around. I'm not even nervous or stressed! I'm just...ecstatic.

PS! My Twitter highlight of the week...

2010-10-05T13:00:00.005-05:00

Last week I happened to respond to one of the many New York Theatre Tweeters I follow. I commented on "Love Never Dies," the new A L Webber show I saw in London a month ago. Little did I know my passing tweet would make it into an article! Lesson learned...if you don't want the world to know "weirdo" makes a regular appearance in your mental lexicon don't put it on twitter. Here is the article nonetheless:

http://thefastertimes.com/newyorktheater/2010/09/27/week-in-new-york-theater-tweets-41/

2010-10-05T07:37:00.005-05:00

Well, the countdown is on people! I leave for NYC a week from Saturday! Between now and then there are a host of happenings. Let's do this chronologically.

1. I'm heading in to the studio to do some voiceover work with the guys from Hello Marketing. I'm really excited to learn this entirely new (yet related) craft.
2. It's Homecoming Weekend!! And now that the bff Leslie Hagar has hit the big time (eek. I just pictured my liberal family members clicking there. Don't do it!) she's been asked to join an alumni panel and speak to Public Relations students. So not only is that impressive and is it fun for her to come for the weekend but it's also great because she gets to come a day early!! See you Thurday Hags!!
3. This weekend will be the final of 4 weekends that I've helped out with music at Radford Church here in VA. It's been overall a pretty great experience. Driving out to the...shall we say...rural parts is not my favorite but it's been wonderful to help out where what I do is useful. The things I'm good at are not usually those "come in handy" skills so when they are, it's nice.
4. I'm taking the GRE next Tuesday. Yikes. I'm prepping to apply to grad school. For real this time! More on that later...
5. One of my best friends is having a BABY this weekend. A BABY. Love you KGweese!!

Kristin and Leslie came to see me in "The Sound of Music." The one on the left is Kristin (the one having the baby this weekend.) And the one on the right is Leslie (the one coming in town this weekend.)

2010-10-01T09:36:00.002-05:00

After working on it for the better part of 2 months I'm pleased to announce that I've finally got a website that is one-stop shopping for everything I do. Check it out at HilarySutton.com. And If you know someone who may need someone like me point em in that direction! I so appreciate it!

it resonates...(pun intended.)

2010-09-28T08:43:00.001-05:00

thanks workisnotajob.com! and connie at this way to joy!

2010-09-18T16:29:00.005-05:00

Hey pals.

How do you feel about the fact that is pretty much practically fall? If you’re in Edinburgh it’s pretty much practically winter. But luckily I live closer to the equator so I can ease into that fall weather one tiptoe at a time. Did you know sunset is one minute earlier every day here these days? Bring on the changing leaves, the crisp air. I love this season. Maybe it’s cause I’m an “autumn”.

Here’s some stuff:
1. I got a random call to help lead worship through music at a church around these parts for the next month before I return to NYC. I feel pretty honored to be using one of my passions to do something good. I think church is good. It’s crazy cause I haven’t done anything of the like in 5 or more years. I’m excited.
2. I’m in Lynchburg for the next month and I gotta be real with you. (Many of) The people here are Awesome. My friends here make my life better. They make me happier. And obviously too, my awesome parents are wonderful to be around. I’m getting to help my Dad get a new book off the ground and I’m happy to lend my skills to a worthy cause.
3. Sara Bareilles’ new music is GOOD.
4. Easy A was HIGH-larious. I laughed, I cried. It was great. The only parts I wasn’t impressed with were 2-fold: 1) Amanda Bynes acting. Eek. 2) The boring depiction of Christians. I’m so over that stereotype! Other than those 2 things the movie was a delightful gem. Go see it! Emma Stone is a star. Roger Ebert even said so.
5. I’ve been writing some music and I’m gonna play it for whosoeverwantstohear on October 2nd at a house show/get-together thingy in Lynchburg. Get in touch with me if you want some details. I feel major anxiety about this endeavour. I’m totally used to belting out Rodgers and Hammerstein’s music but my own? With a guitar? My own inner stuff out in front of other people for them to either like or feel complacent about or hate? Yikes. I feel in my gut that I need to do it so I’m gonna. Eek.
6. I’m getting so stoked for spending the fall in New York. An amazing living situation all but fell in to my lap. It will be great to audition again and be a little older, a little wiser, a little more street-smart if you will, this time around. Right now I’m just committed til Christmas time. I may apply to grad school to begin in the spring. Then again I may stay in NYC for a year or more. ☺ Who. Knows. !
7. I recently got some photos taken by the talented Duck Duck Collective. Here's a couple:

I think that’s all for now…what a great day to be alive. Also, if you smoke I think you should quit. Alright. Peace out girl scouts.

I guess now is a good time to tell you...

2010-09-13T12:06:00.004-05:00

I'm moving back in a month!

That European Blog!

2010-09-10T14:02:00.004-05:00

Well, hello.

You may be thinking—OMG HIL. YOU’VE BEEN TO EUROPE. WHY THE H HAVEN’T YOU BLOGGED YET?!

Or not.

Well the truth is things have been a little wacky since I’ve been back. I’ve hit the ground running assisting my dad with a book project and I’ve been on a crazy new schedule in which I get up and work at 7:30 am and I’m useless by 10 pm (thanks European timezones!). Quite the opposite of my show life schedule (that was more like Noon-2 AM). So I’m making a priority now to write about my travels before I forget them even though I’ve got things to do. Ok, reflections on 2 weeks abroad:

1. Edinburgh was amazing. I spent a week walking the streets that my sister and brother-in-law have walked on a daily basis for 3 years and that was so cool. The architecture there is breathtaking and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival is the.bomb. We saw 2 shows worth mentioning: Fair Trade (a show produced by Emma Thompson educating audiences about sex trafficking) and Edges by Pasek & Paul (a duo who are quickly emerging to be the hot new thing in musical theatre writing here in the States and apparently all over). Both shows were well-executed, not boring and thought-provoking. The Festival was a delight and I’m so glad I can say I’ve been to it.
2. London felt like a notquiteascool NYC but it was still great--namely because England is where so many of my favorite artists and writers are from: The Beatles (my favorite band), John Keats (my favorite poet), Jane Austen (my favorite novelist), C.S. Lewis (my favorite theologian/explainer of spiritual matters), Cath Kidston (my favorite producer of all things cute), Andrew Lloyd Webber (my favorite composer of dramatic musical theatre). You get the point. The highlight of our time in London was probably getting to see the West End production of “Love Never Dies” Webber’s sequel to “The Phantom of the Opera.” The special effects and music swept me away. It’s soooo dramatic and I love that Webber guy for it. Sierra Boggess played Christine and she is everything I could ever hope to be as a vocalist. 2 thumbs up.
3. Paris was awesome. We were on the subway above ground randomly and Ashli said “Look!” (I was looking out the wrong window). When I turned to the other side of the car and saw the Eiffel Tower staring back at me I involuntarily gasped. It was SO beautiful. The city’s culture and style are just inspiringly laid back and encompass the essence of European flare. I’m determined to have a grasp on the French language when I go back next. I felt kind of out of the loop not understanding anything written or spoken. I want in on the secret!
4. If you do go to England/Scotland you won’t regret exploring the smaller towns and villages scattered throughout. Possibly 2 of my favorite days were exploring the Highlands and St. Andrews in Scotland and touring Windsor Castle in Windsor at the very end of the trip. The UK’s small towns are amaaaazingly charming (especially compared to the US version of a small town). We got to eat the fish & chips voted best in the UK in Aberdeen and I got to snoop around St. Andrews College (where the princes attended). You really get a feel for what the country is like by going off the beaten path and by far the most breathtaking scenery was found in the Scottish countryside. I loved it!

There is really just so much I could write about the trip I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface. I think travel and the exploration of other cultures is essential in really Living life so I feel so blessed that I got to do this at such a young age and with my sister. We had a grand time and I’m so grateful to her for taking time out of her life and being my tour guide. We had quite the adventure and made wonderful memories. The stuff of life folks!

2010-08-21T09:42:00.002-05:00

I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine. ~Caskie Stinnett

I'm spending the next little bit visiting my sister Ashli and traveling along side her. Many stories to be told I'm certain. As for today--PACKING!

2010-08-11T14:19:00.003-05:00

I took a yoga class today. I am terrible at yoga. I'm not flexible and I'm not strong. So maybe that is why I only attempt a yoga class every 6 months or so. Anyway, at the end of today's class the teacher told a biography she read in 5 chapters:

(This is my fragmented summary.)

Ch. 1 Walked down a road. Fell in a hole in the road. Took me forever to find a way out.

Ch. 2 Walked down the same road. Ignored the hole in the road. Fell in. Took me forever to find a way out.

Ch. 3 Walked down the road. Saw the hole. Fell in. Knew it was my own fault for falling in. Found my way out quickly.

Ch. 4 Walked down the road. Saw the hole. Walked around it. Avoided falling in.

Ch. 5 Chose to walk down a new road.

Beach! Ahhhhhhh.

2010-08-06T12:07:00.004-05:00

Hi! We're enjoying a couple of days in Gulf Shores, AL before celebrating my grandparents' 60th anniversary! This is the view from our balcony:

The oil spill didn't do much for tourism but the weather, water and sand are all perfect and as you can see we're (practically) the only ones down here enjoying it.

“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.”
-Isak Dinesen

A Weekend of Solitude

2010-07-30T21:33:00.005-05:00

Warm greetings friends.

I write to you from a idyllically quaint cabin in Princeton, West Virginia.

And ok, the cabin to the left isn't exactly the one I'm staying in but listen-it's not a a far cry. This place is enchanting. I thought the picture was pretty. And when I googled West Virginia that's what I found.

This cabin is on loan to me for the weekend.

I’m using the time and inspiringly beautiful surroundings to pray, think, and write.

And funny, without other people and much in the way of distractions I’m quite ready for bed at 10:26 pm. ☺

Since I last checked in I’ve been in Lynchburg with a 2-day jaunt to Raleigh. There I met Andrea McArdle who is hilariously living across the breezeway from my recently-relocated Grandma. Andrea is a Broadway star who originated that little ditty “Tomorrow.” (Yes, she was the original ‘Annie’ in 1977.) Because she is being considered to play the role of Miss Hannigan in next year's revival of 'Annie' on the Bway she's doing a little 2 week test run of the part at North Carolina Theatre. (Lucky little regional theatre!) On my way (literally) out of town I actually got to meet her and found her quite lovely. She signed a cd for me “love and luck, andrea.” She indeed was lovely and I indeed felt lucky to meet her. It was cool. See the Today show piece on Andrea here.

This past week I’ve been transcribing a textbook my dad is writing and I’ve spent a good deal of time reconnecting with friends who cycle in and out of Lynchburg. There is no more transient town than this one. Kind of an odd place to live.

I finally bought a domain name so I’ve been working perfectionist-like hours trying to make it look somewhat appealing.

I’ve also been reading a lot about writing. And I just bought a biography of a most fascinating 20th century travel writer named Freya Stark. Freya was a single British woman in the 1950’s who spent her life discovering Middle Eastern culture and receiving the ever-present raised-eyebrow at her audacity. I love that!

This weekend my focus is on solitude and the clarity that can be generated from it. I can’t help but feel a little Walden-esque here so I leave with you a Thoreau quote of course:

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” –Henry David Thoreau

A few pics from XOXO Gossip Girl

2010-07-20T09:30:00.003-05:00

The only photos I got were of my wardrobe/hair/makeup, etc. I guess you'll have to tune in to the new season to see more!

I went to New York and ended up on Gossip Girl.

2010-07-18T23:18:00.001-05:00

What. A. Week.

Where to start?

I arrived in New York on Sunday and then I promptly ran into Zach Braff. I wanted to tell him how much I appreciate his film “Garden State” and how it encapsulates a year of college for me but we passed briefly in Union Square and in that moment all I could do was gasp. No words really. Maybe he’ll google himself and find this post.

Moving on…

Monday: I attended 2 auditions. They went well even though I feel a little audition-rusty. That first audition after a job ends is always a little depressing. Back to this again. Oh that’s how the accompaniment goes. Oh yeah. Oy.

Tuesday: I already told you about wandering around and the deep thoughts and the William Zinnser quote.

Wednesday: I attended another audition-this time for Phantom of the Opera. I basically auditioned for the company that produces the Broadway production and the touring production. As I was waiting in line to get into the Equity building at 7 AM I had a flashback to my Junior year of college when my boyfriend at the time and I were on the internet and happened across an audition for the Broadway production of Phantom. I remember talking about how awesome it would be to ever actually go to an audition like that. 4 years later I was there. Standing in the rain. It was kinda full circle and kinda cool.

Thursday: I was an extra (background actor) on Gossip Girl! Not a joke! We filmed a party scene on the sidewalk outside of the Diane Von Furstenberg store in Chelsea on 14th Street and 9th Avenue. It was a pretty thrilling and fascinating experience. So interesting and SO boring simultaneously. From around 11 PM until 1 AM I was going bonkers a bit since I was merely standing around. The first few hours of filming were interesting as I was watching the production assistants control the crowds, the director choose shots, the stand-ins pose for camera angles, Diane Von Furstenberg appear for less than 5 minutes for a cameo. It was amazing seeing the hair and wardrobe the stars wore. It was hilarious to be fussed over by hair and wardrobe people myself. I was standing on set at one point and a hair stylist was brushing my hair—as if I was SOMEONE! (hilarious.)

One of the craziest aspects of the experience was that we were filming on a street in Chelsea so paparazzi and fans clamored at the barriers. At one point there was a mad frenzy of photographers attempting to snap pictures of Ed Westwick. I was on set standing opposite them so I saw the entire scene from the celebrity’s point of view. It was mind-boggling. What is it like to get THAT much attention? Strangers screaming your name and trying to take pictures of you? I can barely imagine. It’s not the kind of attention I would ever ask for. Weird, weird, weird.

Oh also, Ed Westwick looked great and was in a gorgeous suit. Maybe he was just in character or maybe he’s really tired of Gossip Girl but he was brooding nonstop. I stood near him during one shot and the only thing I heard him say was (in his ridiculously delicious British accent) “It’s hot as f*%!”

It must be so hard being him.

Friday: I shopped around town and bought some incredible earrings at a market in Soho. I also got to see Bernadette Peters star in “A Little Night Music.” Is it too dramatic to say her performance changed my life? It might have. I WEPT as she sang “Send in the Clowns.” If you have an opportunity to go to New York before December and see a beautiful piece of theatre GO SEE “A Little Night Music.” If you’re not into the art of theatre it may not be for you. It’s really a brilliant piece of commentary on relationships and it’s sung and acted ravishingly. I wish you’d go.

A very poignant line from the play is said by Frederik to Desiree when he chooses not to be with her against his better judgment:

“I’m sorry. I never should have come. To flirt with rescue when one has no intention of being saved…Do try to forgive me.”

How heartbreaking.

* * *

New York weeks are infinitely MORE than weeks other places. MORE exciting, MORE wonderful, MORE terrible, MORE fascinating, MORE intense. This week (luckily) was primarily MORE fantastic. While getting back into the grind of auditioning can be a bit overwhelming, I found myself inspired to live life with more vigor just by walking along the sidewalks of that city. Getting to observe the goings-on of filming a scene of “Gossip Girl” was fascinating and witnessing a paramount performance by Bernadette Peters was inspiring to the point that I couldn’t shout my applause for her during the curtain call because I was too moved. What a wonderful week in a wonderful city. What a wonderful life.

2010-07-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

Having Faith in One's Own Sense of Direction

2010-07-13T21:39:00.004-05:00

Today has been a glorious day of solitude in Manhattan. I slept in and was forced to stay in hibernation until the rain let up around 2 pm. I ventured down to Starbucks on 16th and 1st and enjoyed a bagel and coffee and perusing the (now free!) internet. After that I wandered over to Union Square and pawed through all the fashions at Forever 21 while simultaneously making mental notes of the fashions on the bodies around me. I worked my way over the square to Barnes and Noble and continued to people watch and look at books. I picked up 2 on writing and decided to investigate their prices on Amazon.com before purchasing. I saved $10 by doing that bit of research. Yeah! I ventured on to Sephora, Chipotle, Strand Bookstore and then finally Crumbs. Talk about some of my favorite establishments.

Bookstores always remind me of how much I don't know. And remind me how much knowledge there is that I'm dying to learn. I want to read about starting my own business, cooking, travel writing, new media, memoirs, Shakespeare, foreign languages, classics that I missed out on during school. There is so much more to know, yall.

And I'm reminded when I'm in this city that there is a great big world out there that I don't know anything about. There are languages to learn. Continents to visit. People to meet. I have this insatiable desire to explore.

I am currently reading this book "Writing About Your Life" (which I know sounds narcissistic) by William Zinnser (but really! here's the justification) 1. My favorite books are memoirs. 2. Zinnser's other book "On Writing Well" is one of my faves! Anyway this is a portion of an essay reprinted in "Writing About Your Life" that Zinnser wrote for a column in 1967 pleading for the right to fail--'one of the few freedoms America doesn't grant its citizens, especially its young people':

"We need mavericks and dreamers and dissenters far more than we need junior vice presidents, but we paralyze them by insisting that every step be a step up to the next rung of the ladder. Yet often the only way for boys and girls to find their proper road is to take a hundred side trips, poking out in different directions, faltering, pulling back and starting again.
'But what if we fail?' they ask, whispering the dreaded word across the generation gap to their parents, back in the Establishment. The parents whisper back, 'Don't!'
What they should say is: 'Don't be afraid to fail.' Failure isn't the end of the world. Countless people have had a bout of failure and come out stronger as a result. Many have even come out famous. History is strewn with eminent dropouts, loners who followed their own trail, not worrying about its unexpected twists and turns because they had faith in their own sense of direction. To read their biographies is exhilarating, not only because they beat the system but because their system was better than the one they beat."

Long live side trips.

The Curious Tale of the Soccer Cheerleaders (and Their Ardant Admirer)

2010-07-11T17:35:00.002-05:00

I can picture it vividly. In fact, it may be one of my earliest memories. I remember sitting in the bleachers at the Donelson-Hermitage YMCA in 1988. I was a forced fan of my older sister’s soccer team. (Now the thought of 5-year-olds “playing soccer” sounds kind of hilarious to me.) The team was in large part male-dominated but the Sutton clan believed in learning the value of the “team sport” early—before other girls even started playing I guess. I, being a mere 3-years-old, was no avid sports fan and had no real interest in joining the other kids in either running the field or kicking the ball. I did however light up one day when I heard the announcement that the soccer team would be acquiring a squad of cheerleaders to root on the home team. I have some distant memory that perhaps the parents were just looking for another activity to engage the siblings of the players on the team. Soccer cheerleaders. Now as an adult I realize at that time I had never heard of soccer cheerleaders and I’ve never since heard tell of them but all I wanted in 1988 was to be one. These girls ran out to the fields in beautiful costumes (in sports they’re known as “uniforms”) and got to do a show for the crowd! What’s not to love? To admire? To utterly die to be a part of?
Now it might have been the idiocy of “soccer cheerleaders” or the fact that I was but 3 or that I was never properly invited but I did not become a soccer cheerleader that year.
The snapshot in my brain is of the soccer cheerleaders running by skirt pleats flying in the breeze. One such cheerleader spots the look of longing in my barely non-toddler eyes and exclaims to me “You’re so lucky you’re not wearing this! I’m freezing to death!”
In that moment, all I wanted in my 3-year-old world was to be freezing to death three pleats to the wind.
Not only did those girls get to perform and look cute doing it but they were doing something together! They were all focused on the same goal. They were really a part of something. I’ll never forget longing to be a part of something.
22 years later that same. feeling. crept up in me again!

It was the day of the first dress rehearsal for Grease.

Backstory:

As you may or may not know I spent February-June at the Wohlfhart Haus Dinner Theatre in Wytheville, VA. I originally signed a contract to play “Liesl” in “The Sound of Music.” In those days I was applying for arts marketing internships in Washington D.C. for the summer. I had every intention of playing that amazing role in that amazing show and moving on to start a career off stage. What I didn’t plan on was being turned down flat by the theatre companies to which I applied. (All of them.) So I looked for my next best possible employment. I auditioned for Grease at WHDT—the show next on deck to be produced. After giving (and this is by no means an exaggeration) my WORST audition attempt ever I somehow got lucky and was cast to cover the role of Patty for the 2nd half of the run. So after SOM closed I attended rehearsals for Grease even though I wouldn’t be performing with the cast for an additional month.

Ok back to dress rehearsal. All the women in the cast were getting ready to perform “Beauty School Dropout.” You may know that in this dream sequence the girls wear exaggerated salon gear that is reminiscent of Vegas showgirls: headpieces adorned with curlers that add a foot in height, shiny white capes trimmed with feathers. It’s dramatic and a bit silly.

But what wasn’t silly to me was this strange longing to wear this costume. As I sat in the audience and saw my fellow cast members all looking strangely alike wearing the same thing I had a flashback to the soccer field. I just wanted to be a part of it. I felt like one might run by me and say: “You’re so lucky you’re not wearing this! I’m freezing to death!” Perhaps illogical, I felt transported to 1988. 3 years old. Not cold. And dying to be.

Maybe that’s a really universal sensation. Or maybe it’s that longing that draws the unique and colorful to a life in the theatre. I remember the moment that I actually and finally DID get to put that most disgusting costume on (it was made of shower curtains and I don’t know if you know this—shower curtains do. not. breathe!) and I felt so privileged to do so. I felt like I was a part of something. A team. A cause. A show. I felt grateful to be performing, grateful to be delighting an audience, and grateful to be alive.

2010-07-09T11:12:00.002-05:00

Heading to the city that never sleeps on Sunday by way of the nation's capital. The anticipation is killing me!!!

To Do List:

Go to some auditions--I've got 4 that I'd like to hit.
Eat Crumbs Cupcake while watching the puppies in the Union Square dog park (never gets old).
Attend Broadway in Bryant Park (free entertainment and free suntan!)
Catch up with a passel of friends--many of my most inspiring friends live in NYC--it attracts those types.
Eat Chipotle and Cosi.
Be stimulated and pushed to be better just by walking down the street.

More later...

Casting Little Women? Wanting to know what I did with my days off last week? Neither? Read on!

2010-07-01T16:55:00.002-05:00

Last week I had the joy of performing "Some Things Are Meant to Be" with one of my best friends Selah Grace. Little Women is one of my favorite musicals, favorite books and is the story of one of my 2 favorite literary heroines: Jo March (do you know who the other one is?)

I'm ending my time in Wytheville on Sunday and it is bittersweet in a hundred ways. What a joy it's been to perform these shows and to meet people who have made such an impression on my heart. Time is always chugging along and chapters are meant to end so you can get to the next one. As I've mentioned before I feel change so deeply in my soul. It aches in me. This song is a beautiful representation of the sweetness that this experience has been to me.

Life in the theatre is both tragic and joyous. Nothing lights my soul ablaze like a meaningful performance. And the performances always end. Shows close and new shows open. May we never stop telling stories that touch and inspire hearts.

I had Coldstone today. It was DELICIOUS. That has nothing to do with this post.

2010-06-23T00:12:00.001-05:00

Reflection time!

I sit on my mom’s pristine white couch in this house that represents where I come from. Clean floors. A big comfy bed. Quiet. Comforting. Consistent. Tomorrow I drive back to the cast house at Wytheville which is a perfect representation of my life currently: full of loud, dramatic people. Bugs, No A/C, and lots of living for the moment. It also ends July 4th. A week and a half from now. Then it’s back to square 1. Luckily I’ve saved some money and I’m giving a lot of thought to what I want out of life next. I’m looking before I leap, so to speak. It’s been 3 years since I finished college. Lynchburg to Orlando to Roanoke to Nashville to New York to Nashville to Lynchburg to Wytheville to…?

This next step is a pivotal one. It’s a real life next place. It’s signing a lease. Having a door—a door that’s really mine not one I’m borrowing for a month or two.

The actor life is a weird one. Especially the regional theatre route. You pick up and go to this theatre and this living situation where you potentially don’t know anyone. And then all of a sudden it becomes your world. It’s your personal life, your work life, your passion, your well…almost, everything. And then it ends. Sometimes it doesn’t end fast enough and sometimes you’re dreading the end. I guess in this case in my life right now I have a little bit of anxiety about the sudden halt of an income and ya know, going through a big life change again but I also feel ready to go. I didn’t accept the job performing in The Sound of Music with the intention of moving permanently to Wytheville. I’m not a small town girl—I’m DEFINITELY not a Wytheville girl. But more than that I need to…what’s the least melodramatic way of saying this…find my real self again? When the sphere of your world becomes no greater than say, 30 people life situations seem more desperate, more dramatic. It’s like bumping around life in the dark a bit. There have been moments where I felt more in touch with my own soul and with God during my stay in Wytheville. By no coincidence it was when I was performing a show that pointed the audience towards God. Every night during The Sound of Music Psalm 121 was quoted: “I look to the hills from whence cometh my Help.” Now, Grease is definitely fun and is a joy to perform but there is something profound about performing a show that deeply moves its audience. For actors the show can absolutely affect their personal lives…even emotionally and spiritually. So I guess we should choose our work wisely, eh? Back to the point. I have so much togetherness with this group of people that I didn’t select for myself that I’ve become strongly affected and influenced by them. I need to get outta there and find my own way again. I’m so grateful for some of the friendships I’ve gained through the experience but in large part that is what I want them to be: friendships. Not constants who I’m surrounded by at home, at work, when I socialize, etc, etc. My time at that cast house, in that theatre, is up for the time being. I think the experience may have been sweeter if it had been shorter. I guess that’s a hypothetical statement. I’m looking forward to what’s next however uncertain it may be.

What is most immediately next is a 2 week stay in New York and a 2 week visit to my sister across the pond. I’m elated for both trips. I’ll be assisting with my dad’s latest project—a new textbook while I’m in NYC. I’ll also be auditioning a lot so while the trip will be incredible it won’t be 100% vacation. My trip to Great Britain though will be vacation + +! Ashli and I are in the process of scheming stops in London, Paris and 1 destination TBD. This summer has already been blissful (albeit HOT) and it’s only gonna get better from here. Thanks for allowing for my streamofconsciousness ramblings. Word.

I wanna write songs like this

2010-06-15T21:20:00.002-05:00

Saw Crazy Heart last night. This song has been in my head ever since. So poignant to me! So poignant I'm not using complete sentences. Booyah.

I was goin’ where I shouldn’t go
seein’ who I shouldn’t see
doin’ what I shouldn’t do
and bein’ who I shouldn’t be

a little voice told me it’s all wrong
another voice told me it’s alright
I used to think I was strong
but lately I just lost the fight

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while

I got tired of bein’ good
started missing that old feeling free
stop actin’ like I thought I should
and went on back to bein’ me

I never meant to hurt no one
I just had to have my way
if there is such a thing as too much fun
this must be the price you pay

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while

you never see it comin’ till it’s gone
it all happens for a reason
even when it’s wrong
especially when it’s wrong

funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while
funny how fallin’ feels like flyin’
for a little while

I was goin’ where I shouldn’t go
seein’ who I shouldn’t see
doin’ what I shouldn’t do
and bein’ who I shouldn’t be

2010-06-14T15:33:00.005-05:00

The best of times is now.
What's left of Summer
But a faded rose?
The best of times is now.
As for tomorrow,
Well, who knows? Who knows? Who knows?
So hold this moment fast,
And live and love
As hard as you know how.
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now,
Is now, is now.
Now, not some forgotten yesterday.
Now, tomorrow is too far away.
So hold this moment fast,
And live and love
As hard as you know how.
And make this moment last,
Because the best of times is now,
Is now,
is now.

Congrats to La Cage Aux Folles for winning Best Revival of a Musical! These are some lyrics from the most famous song from the show. The take-captive-every-moment message of the lyrics is right up my alley. Happy Monday!

Children Will Listen

2010-06-12T16:59:00.005-05:00

This week I had a long talk with a friend who is battling an eating disorder. Her mother (who is her only family) has an eating disorder of her own and expresses approval of her daughter when she is a certain size. This has devastated my friend. Her mother may think in some twisted way that she is encouraging her daughter to live a better life or be more successful but her size-based approval has done nothing but cause pain in my friend's life. I've never been a parent but I have 2 great ones. There's no greater influence in a child's life. I'm so grateful my parents have loved and supported me unconditionally. One area of my life that they've lent constant support to is my career in performance. I made an audition video this week and included one of my favorite songs by Stephen Sondheim. Within the musical "Into the Woods" a mother who has lost a child sings this number. My interpretation is from an adult child's standpoint--finally telling her mother what she's needed to express for all these years. Hope you like it.

2010-05-29T18:13:00.003-05:00

"Let your boat of life be light-packed with only what you need:
a homely home & simple pleasures,
someone to love & someone to love you,
a cat, a dog & a pipe or two,
enough to eat & to wear
& a little more than enough to drink
for thirst is a dangerous thing."
-Jerome Klapka Jerome

Things are good here in Meville. The Sound of Music ended, I went to Raleigh and to Orlando. I came back and performed the role of Cha-cha in Grease. I went to Pigeon Forge and saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I came to Lynchburg for a few days. I'm going to NYC next week for a couple of days. I'm going to start playing Patty in Grease next weekend! I have a little over a month of time left in Wytheville so I'm beginning to scheme about the next place and the next phase. It's about that time that I stick to one spot for a while. Nothing's nailed down yet but I have a good feeling about a good place. I'll let you know when it's time...

Florida. Songs. Family.

2010-05-11T22:51:00.003-05:00

Hey yall!

So what’s cool/new/interesting/noteworthy…

1. I write to you from sunny Florida! (not at the moment, as it’s 11:26 pm) I had time on my side so I came down to my favorite southern state (no offense, everybody) and have had a b-last. I attended an audition, caught up with various friends, experienced the nightlife, went to the Magic Kingdom, Epcot and spent the afternoon poolside. Oh and I finished off the trip with cheesecake. It has been a splendidly perfect little mini-vacay. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery, ya know? I know I do. Since I live/work/hangout/spendallmytime with the same set of people (and have for the past [almost] 3 months) I needed to get out of the Real World Wytheville for a bit and see different faces and smell different places. So to speak. Anyway, it’s been good to recharge and enjoy all the goodness Orlando has to offer. I only lived here 6 months but there is something so familiar and homey about this place to me. I made close friends very quickly here. Orlando is also very nostalgic for me because my first taste of grown-up was here. I packed my bags and moved here 2 weeks after graduation. I can’t believe that was 3 years ago…but yes, I can because so much LIFE has been lived since! Oh the living and the learning…

2. I don’t know if you know I play guitar. I actually started playing when I was 13. My mom (the author of “Near Perfect Parenting”) was brilliant and saw that my previous passion—cheerleading (HA!)—was not what we’ll call my shining star talent. She knew I loved music and thought maybe I needed a hobby or something that could help with my textbook youngest child needs. So she signed me up for guitar lessons! With a burst of self-esteem and a new found love I learned to play every church praise chorus in existence. I then moved on to writing some of my own stuff. When I got in college my songwriting slowed down a lot. I think it was in part because my focus shifted almost entirely on to musical theatre. Also, in college I may have gotten a bit downtrodden on the whole singer/songwriter thing as I saw (almost) every peer of mine going for the same thing. After leaving my guitar in Nashville and living in Orlando and NYC I picked it up again last fall. I had forgotten how satisfying it was to learn how to play a song I liked. To minimize giving you all the unnecessary details I began to play even more at the cast house in Wytheville. My friends and fellow cast members seemed to genuinely feel moved and enjoy the music. 2 of them even went so far as to give me a new journal for the express purpose of writing music again. So it’s been about 5 weeks since my birthday and I’ve completed 2 songs. It’s so. so. satisfying.

3. 3rd of all you should know that May is the month of family. Did I ever tell you about how I decided in January that each month of 2010 is going to have a different focus for me? I opted to organize things that way instead of having some laundry list of goals/resolutions. The May focus is to invest in and nurture my relationships with family. And that I have been doing! My amazing sister see HERE spent the last 2 weeks in the States and even came to Wytheville to see the Sound of Music. We had slumber parties both there and in Raleigh during our cousin Talia’s epic Bat Mitzvah weekend. The one sad thing that happened lately is that my Grandma had a looot of damage to her house due to that crazy flood that swept through Nashville. The entire ground level of her condo is pretty ruined. Thankfully my mom and her siblings have really rallied together to support her through this horrendously difficult situation. Can you imagine being in your 70’s and all of a sudden losing everything? Not me. If we’re spinning this in the positive light (which we always do) we’re just glad Gram is safe and that Stanley is too. Sharing the Bat Mitzvah events and Mother’s Day with her was extra special this year.

That's all for now. If you want to hear some great music you should probably go look at youtube.com/jeffcarl. Jeff is a close friend of mine and an inspiringly profound musician. His cover of 'Brooklyn' is my lullaby tonight.

2010-04-20T00:17:00.003-05:00

So it’s 1 AM and I’m listening to She & Him and playing on my computer. I have a deadline tomorrow for an article I’m writing for a local magazine. I’m not going to bed until I finish it…which of course directly correlates to why I’m being all introspective and bloggy and distracted. This is one of my first nights being the only one awake in this house. I’ll have you know that 12 people live here right now so the chances of me being the last one to bed are ya know…only 1 in 12. Anyway.

I just looked at this picture of my sister dressed up BEAUTIFULLY for a wedding she went to in Oxford, England this weekend. And I was reminded that we’re grownups. I was once again reminded that life has been happening. This is my life. I’m sitting in a cast house. My job is performing plays. I’m continually growing and learning new things.

Tonight I prayed out loud with some other people in a non-church, non-blessing food setting for the first time in a long time. I can’t even remember the last time I was involved in a situation like that where I was the one praying out loud. It may have happened on some tragic day or a wedding day. I don’t remember. That’s how long it’s been. It used to be a pretty standard part of my life. Safe to say it happened more than once every week 5+ years ago. Hmm.

I watched the film “An Education” again tonight. I was gunning for it when 4 of us girls went to the Redbox. I love this little monologue midway through the film:

My teacher says action is character. I think that means that if we never did anything we'd never be anybody. And I never did anything before I met you. And sometimes I think nobody ever did anything in this whole stupid country apart from you.

Sometimes if you delete certain people from life you find that the life sparkle is gone all of a sudden. You really only recognize it if you’ve ever had it. I know that’s sort of the inversion of what that quote says but nevertheless it’s true.

I realized today that I knew that I loved smart people—intellectual people who know a lot about things like politics and nuclear power and music history. But I kind of had this epiphany that when it comes to someone to spend my life with I’ve really got to have someone with a really high emotional intelligence too…somebody who feels really deeply and understands that part of me. I think if you don’t have that you can’t even really recognize it in other people. Maybe I’m speaking to a subject that I don’t know enough about to make definitive judgment calls on…I don’t know.

Alright, ok, I’m gonna finish this article now. By the way, I totally referenced OSHA in paragraph 4 and I’m personally impressed by that. Carry on…

Lately I've been thinking...

2010-04-19T22:44:00.002-05:00

all this time I should've been sitting around strumming Beatles songs.

Grease Lightnin'

2010-04-13T22:44:00.003-05:00

New news!

I've been cast in Grease at the Wohlfahrt Haus Dinner Theatre! I'll be playing Patty Simcox from June 12th-July 3rd. The character is a complete detour from Liesl and I'm STOKED. To jog your memory Patty is the prudish, high energy so-nice-she's-mean cheerleader who takes Sandy under wing. I'm so excited to play this girl who would've driven me bonkers in high school. :)

Come for a visit!

keepcalmgallery.com

2010-04-12T21:31:00.000-05:00

this 'n that. just sayin hey...

2010-04-01T10:23:00.002-05:00

Hey! Know what I haven’t done lately? Blogged. Know why? I’m not really sure. The scenario is that I’ve been performing in the Sound of Music for about 3 weeks now. It’s been a busy time including going back to Nashville for Bonnie’s wedding and taking a couple of quick trips to Lynchburg and Washington DC. But I don’t think that’s why I haven’t gotten around to blogging. I aaaactually think it’s because I live in a house with 10 people. And I work with them. And I’m just rarely alone. I don’t have a lot of time to be contemplative. And if I did have things to say they might be analytical thoughts about psychology and relationships and my hangups with the "actor's life." The problem with that is then I’m blogging about people. And that’s not a good idea. And actually I just haven’t been using my computer quite as much as when I lived in Nashville or Lynchburg. And I guess I wrote more in NYC because I had NYC to write about. Cha know?

Anyhow.

I’m loving life here in the Sound of Music world. Unfortunately the show closes a month from tomorrow and then I’m back to square one. (PLEASE COME SEE IT BEFORE THEN!!!!!!) Such is the life of the actor. Within this cast I’ve actually made some amazingly deep connections. I foresee these friendships persisting far beyond the end of this contract.

I’ve had to make a conscious effort to keep reading at the rate I did when I had far fewer roommates. (For an extrovert like me, having the opportunity to hang out with people 24/7 means 19 times out of 20 I’m hanging out with people.) I’ve just begun “The Prodigal God” by Tim Keller. So far I love it and will have more comments after I’ve read more than a chapter and a half.

So I turn 25 next week. I really like the sound of 25. So far 2010 has been a great year. I foresee it getting better and better. By the way, apparently I play 16 pretty convincingly. I got hit on by a 17-year-old after one of the performances. I said “I’m older than I look.” What is age really? If people can believe that I’m 16? And I’m really 25? I mean. The 20’s are weird in and of themselves. Post-college expectations vs. reality… But then to walk on stage and virtually erase 9 years of life? No conclusive thoughts on that…just odd. Aging. Growing up. Getting older and but looking (pretty much) the same. Weird.

2010-03-17T23:07:00.003-05:00

I love this on 3 levels.

Level 1: I LOVE A FLASHMOB!

Level 2: My (most amazing expat) sister is going to Belgium this weekend!

Level 3: (the obvious) THE SOUND OF MUSIC!!!

It just marries a bunch of things that I love. Enjoy. And feel free to dance around a bit yourself.

Perception.

2010-03-16T10:36:00.002-05:00

I liked this blog post so much I'm sending you over to my friend Connie's blog to read it. This Way to Joy

a more detailed explanation of rehearsals

2010-03-07T09:05:00.002-06:00

I came to Wytheville to begin rehearsals for “The Sound of Music” 2 weeks ago and life has been but a blur ever since. I hardly know where to start on filling you in…

From the beginning my fellow castmembers were warm, sweet and encouraging. It’s atypical to completely gel with every member of a cast so the fact that this cast (especially the ones living in the cast house with me—[some live here in Wytheville so they don’t live in the house and I don’t know them as well]) gets along and even enjoys hanging out all the time is such a blessing.

I’ve also been really impressed with the acting in this show. As you can probably guess the quality of a show like “The Sound of Music” hinges in large part on the talents of the actress playing Maria and I’m certain I’ve never worked with a more professional, talented leading lady. You can check out Selah’s website at Selahgrace.com if you wanna get stalk-y.

The rehearsal process has been an unusual one since there are 3 casts of Von Trapp children. Because we have several matinees a week that conflict with school there are 18 children playing the 6 roles. (I play Liesl all the time cause I’m done with school. Yay!) So picture it. In rehearsals one cast of kids is taught the blocking and choreography and notes for “Do-Re-Mi” and let’s be honest, that already takes 3 times as long as it would take adults. Then you do it all over again with another cast of kids and then ANOTHER cast of kids. My patience has definitely been tested during this process—but in a good way! I absolutely want to have kids in the future…just not 18 of them.

It was pretty amazing to pick up my paycheck Friday afternoon. Although I’ve been “working” every day since February 22 I haven’t felt like I’ve been working at all. There have been multiple times over the past few weeks that I’ve just looked at the ceiling and thanked the Lord that I get to do something so rewarding and joy-filled.

The show opens Thursday night and my grandparents and parents are coming Friday night! I am delighted for them to see the show that I’m bursting-at-the-seams proud of. Pictures to come!

My heart will be blessed with the sound of music. And I'll sing once more...

rehearsals...

2010-03-04T09:53:00.003-06:00

You can rest assured that the reason I haven't blogged since beginning rehearsals for "The Sound of Music" is because I've been very busy and having a blast. I've been so "present" here I haven't been very good about keeping in touch or reflecting on things as they occur. I'll try to write in more detailed fashion over the weekend but just know that I feel that I'm a part of creating something breathtakingly beautiful and meaningful. I am loving it. Talk to you soon...

2010-02-19T07:45:00.005-06:00

Hi!

So today is Friday and rehearsals begin Monday! As Sondheim put so perfectly in a scenario like this I’m “excited AND scared.” It’s been a while since I did a show. It’s been a never since I did a show with this collection of people. I hope they like me! I hope they’re talented! I hope the housing is not roach infested!

I’ve made perhaps a not-good move. I’ve started 2 books simultaneously. This choice does not lend itself to finishing either. (Ask Leslie.) And I was just given a 3rd that I’m interested in too. I have a feeling that after the show opens I’ll have all the time in the world. (Wytheville is no booming metropolis. Although they do have a Starbucks. And a Sheetz.) So on my to read list is:

and

I’ve started both and they are GREAT. More to come later.

Meanwhile I have to tell you that I (finally!!) saw the Princess and the Frog—the new animated movie by Walt Disney Studios. I love love loved it. And by that I mean, it was no lionkinglittlemermaidbeauty&thebeastaladdincinderella. BUT! It was every bit as witty as anything Pixar has released in the past 10 years. And the animation was beautiful and the music was fun. But more than any of that it was heartwarming major! (As Posh would say.) I involuntarily let out an “Aww!!” multiple times throughout the flick. I do wish the romantic leads had a duet. (They needed one.) But Anika Noni Rose (who we know from Caroline or Change and Dreamgirls) sings beautifully in this hopeful little ditty. Ps, who doesn’t love an animated picture that has Oprah in it?! That’s what I thought.

PS, can I get a head count of who is ridiculously OVER this winter weather? I think one winter in Florida ruined me for winter forever. COME ON SPRING!!!

Getting excited about the new gig...Telling you about a book I read and a talk I heard.

2010-02-15T23:12:00.002-06:00

Things are in transition around here and I’m loving the smell of new. This is my last full week in Lynchburg before I start the Sound of Music adventure and I’m thoroughly excited. I love meeting new actor friends and singing beautiful music and getting paid for the whole shebang. The pay off of the misery of auditions is absolutely when you land a gig you love. Saturday night I watched the Sound of Music for the first time in probably 15 years. The vast majority of the music came right back to me and I got more thrilled about my role in the show by every scene. It’s funny to pay attention to Julie Andrews’ acting choices and to watch the way the actress playing Liesl decides what to do to communicate her innocence (She was actually 21 when she played the part). Truthfully it’s just funny to watch Liesl and to be 8 years older than her as opposed to 8 years younger like I was the last time I watched it. I do think as a kid Liesl did play some part in what I thought being a teenager was all about: running out in the rain to be kissed by a 17-year-old boy..dancing in gazebos during thunderstorms…things like that.
It really will be such a joy exploring who Liesl is every night for 7 weeks. I already feel like I know where she’s coming from to a degree (I was once 16) and it doesn’t seem that long ago to me. In my mind I can jump back to that place quite easily. I need to get started on my Austrian research and the Von Traps. Did you know they were a real family? You can youtube them and see that their great-grandchildren are still singing…maybe they’re still just trying to milk the gimic but I’m ok with that. I think it’s pretty cool…

One great thing about doing a contract here in VA is that I’ll only be 2 hours drive from Lynchburg so I’ll be able to eventually (after rehearsals end) make weekly trips back. I’ll be able to stay connected with my family and friends here which is hugely important to me. And go to my most beloved Zumba class on Tuesday nights. And work a little bit at my new favorite side job: Barista Extraordinaire! I love actually knowing how to make a most delicious Caramel Apple Spice as well as knowing how to enjoy it.

What else…

I just finished a recommendable book by Lauren Winner (I believe I’ve raved about ‘Girl Meets God’ in the past). This time I read “Mudhouse Sabbath” where she discusses intertwining Jewish practices and Christian spiritual disciplines. I especially loved her thoughts on being a thoughtful eater—which to her is a primary reason the Jewish kosher laws are in place anyway. It kind of goes along with my thoughts lately on eating less sugar and drinking more water and basically trying to just eat more natural stuff altogether. Lauren’s idea is that we should slow down and think about how detailed and perfect God made things like onions while we’re chopping them up. And be grateful to Him for that. I also saw a clip from Food Inc. on Oprah the other day that made me worry about all the chicken I’ve been eating for the last 24 years. I can’t really control that but I can be more mindful and educated about what I put in my body in the future.

I also heard a great sermon yesterday about love. I went to church at Grace Evangelical Free Church here in Lynchburg. The service was very refreshing in that it wasn’t overtly westernized and youth-group-ized in its presentation. And the pastor didn’t seem to be too worried about whether the parishioners were entertained or laughing or were going to give lots of money. Instead he just said some really neat profound things. One great thing he said was a definition of love: that subtle inclination to seek another’s good. He also highlighted this verse that I understood with a fresh perspective yesterday. 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I think God loves all of us that way. And I’m grateful for that. That kind of love inspires me to love others today without expectation of what they might give me back. I can just walk around doing life feeling inspired by God’s great love for me and in turn love other people. I think a lot of us are walking around not really feeling like God is on our side. I wonder what our lives would look like if we thought He was?

My Valentine's Message to You

2010-02-13T11:43:00.002-06:00

And in case you don't know who the hilaaaarious Dave Barnes is--the last part of the above video is actually his own song. The real version is below:

Happy Balumtine'th Day!

Yay!

2010-02-11T23:18:00.004-06:00

I got cast in a shoooooowwwwww!!

Perhaps you've heard of it?

I'll be playing Liesl at the Wohlfahrt Haus Dinner Theatre in Wytheville, VA from March 11-May 2.

I expect it will be a pretty amazingly full circle experience since I LIVED for this film as a child. (So much so I had a bout of insomnia in 4th grade because I couldn't stop singing the songs in my head when I was supposed to be falling asleep. The memory is vi.vid.) This should indeed be a fun spring. More info on the show here: Wolfharthaus.com

What I've been looking at.

2010-02-05T17:22:00.002-06:00

Lady Gaga Cookies. I wanna eat one!

Advanced Style. I LOVE this. I'm a firm believer that the more life experience an actor accrues the better his/her performances become. Why not apply that principle to fashion?

The Anti 9-to-5 Guide. Michelle provides great insight about successful freelance careers. Her articles don't drone on and on and they're full of useful content.

This Readability Tool makes blogs that are a bit on the decorative side very easy to read. I love it!

Meet Tia and Naika Wilson.

2010-01-29T10:29:00.006-06:00

These are my dearest friends Mike and Missy Wilson's newly adopted daughters from Haiti. Beauty can and inevitably does come out of tragedy. I am so grateful I will get to watch these precious girls grow up. See more here: My Life Speaks and here: Bring Tifi Home.

Wellness Experiment Update 1

2010-01-25T21:44:00.003-06:00

Well pals, today marks 3 completed weeks of the Wellness Experiment.

As I write I'm sipping on a glass of water enjoying a slice of Quiche Lorraine at the Muse (support local establishments!) and I've just finished an hour long strength and flexibility class at the YMCA.

While I'm pretty satisfied with the status of my eating habits I am really pleased with my newfound exercise routine.

I can already feel my body taking a more athletic shape and after only 3 weeks of consistent exercise it has already become a habit. (there is that thing about 21 days to forming a habit right?) I had intended to take both Saturday and Sunday off but after 1 day away I was already craving the burn by Sunday. So. Weird. Right?

Now I don't want to paint an inaccurate picture for you. After 3 weeks I'm not sprinting 5k's or benching 150.

I am dancing (Zumba=simple salsa, chacha and hiphop dance steps [and btw zumba is so awesome it deserves it's own blog post]), jogging/speed walking for an hour at a time, and taking Pilates & strength and flexibility classes.

Oh also I've been carrying around this nalgene bottle trying to drink water. 8 glasses of water a day still feels like a massive amount but if I drink it at lunch, dinner and while I'm doing my sweaty activity of the day I get pretty close.

I also relax a little on my rules on Saturdays. Life is too short to always play by the rules right?

Speaking of eating habits the primary thing I've cut out is the massive amount of sugar. When I decided to (get crazy and) get a sandwich and a small sweet tea at chick-fil-a this weekend I was shocked and dismayed at my reaction to the sweetness of the tea. Too sweet! Have I un-acquired my taste for liquid sugar? What am I without my passion for all things sweet tea?!

Anyway.

My energy level is up, up and away. I still like long nights of sleep but my research tells me some people just require more. So my 3 week update of Wellness Experiment in summation thus far:

1. I'm starting to drink water like it's normal and it's ok.
2. Exercise is fun and the energy reminds me of when I was a kid.
3. My pants fit a teeny bit better which makes me feel GREAT.
4. I'm getting used to ingesting less sugar and I like that even though I will always identify with the sweet tea culture.

In other news I will (hopefully) have good news to report soon about certain career-related topics but for now I'm not announcing anything.

I hope you are enjoying your own renewed motivation to get healthy! I heartily recommend it.

On Writing

2010-01-22T10:19:00.004-06:00

"We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in. Most human beings are dedicated to keeping that one door shut. But the writer's job is to see what's behind it, to see the unspeakable stuff, and to turn the unspeakable into words--not just into any words but if we can, into rhythm and blues." -Anne Lamott

Beginning a career in acting...or something else absolutely audacious

2010-01-18T11:40:00.003-06:00

Leslie and I have made this decision to read at least one book a month this year. Since I have more time this January I'm trying to do two. I know, I know I should be able to complete more reading than that. My brain likes to tip its hat at Attention Deficit Disorder so I read at a snail's pace. My mind gets bored focusing on one thing at a time. Nonetheless I wanted to share with you a little passage from one of the books I'm reading now: "How to Be a Working Actor" by Mari Lyn Henry & Lynne Rogers. A lot of the content is stuff I wish I had known before I pranced up to NYC last year. If you happen to be in college or graduating soon or are just considering a career change into the performing arts I do recommend you pick up this book. And apparently save $10,000 before you move to New York...not $900. Lesson learned.

"If you were planning a career in dentistry, archeology, or accounting in stead of performing, you would not be at all surprised to learn that establishing yourself requires the mastery of specific skills, as well as the investment of serious amounts of time and dollars. Yet show business, more than any other field of endeavor, is so loaded with legends of success achieved by accident, with tales of plucky but enthusiastic amateurs winning out over seasoned professionals, that it is frequently perceived as a fantasy playground even by those who make their living in it.
Every dramatic form has glorified the waif who gets off the bus in Los Angeles or New York with little more than a knapsack, a pair of tap shoes, and a load of moxie. She then collides with the powerful producer, celebrity, or agent who, struck by her artless quality, declares, 'You're what this tired old town needs,' makes a few phone calls and, in minutes, transforms her into a superstar. Doesn't that sound like the plot of a movie you've seen a couple of times? It's a wonderful story. Let's hope you can audition for the lead when they cast the next remake. In the meantime, let's not confuse that myth with reality."

Preparation + Moxie + Patience + Diligence = Success

Join me next time when I'll be discussing "What in the world does 'success' mean anyway?"

Meet George Jetson...his boy Elroy...

2010-01-07T20:23:00.003-06:00

Hello people of the future!

I mean, is it just me or does 2010 sound like the age of the Jetsons?! It is the future people.

This marks week 1 of the new year and with it brings moves and experiments and plans to make-oh my!

First of all: MOVES.
I am now (unofficially) living in Lynchburg, VA. The cute (read: frustrating) part is that mere days after I got all moved in I received word of 2 things: A) Liberty won't be giving me free undergrad classes B) UVA is discontinuing their well-respected MFA program. All that to say I'm in VA and I'm not sure why. Well, that's not true. For the next week I am here to spend time with my sis and bro-in-law while they're stateside. I feel really grateful that it's possible. For a big picture thinker/do-er/color-coded calendar-er such as myself I loathe the concept of floating through life. Decisions have to be made...even if my present options don't make my heart palpitate. I think that is called being an adult?

EXPERIMENTS!
Back when I was in New York I spent a great deal of time with my health-food loving uncle. I noticed his zeal for fresh fruits and vegetables. His kitchen was organic EVERYTHING. (Now, because he reads this and I cannot tell a lie--he does have a soft spot for sweets and breads. But there is way more healthy food in his fridge/cabinet than carbs.) After dinner one night in Astoria we walked by a little vegetable stand and began admiring tomatoes. While he was uber-sensitive of sounding too Jewish mother-y he expressed concern for my (what we'll call) poor eating habits. It's not that I ate SO terribly. It's just that I didn't give much thought to what I consumed. (and by "much" I mean "any".) The thought occurred to me that perhaps I would have more energy, stamina and better all over health if I actually make a concerted effort to make healthy choices. I thought I felt pretty good when I wasn't exercising, getting a normal sleep schedule and eating whatever was around. So maybe it's worth it to see if I do in fact feel that much better if I try to take care of my body. So I'm giving myself a month (for now) to see how it goes. Here's what I'm doing:

1. No carbonated drinks.
2. No sweet tea. (knife in my heart.)
3. 8 glasses of water a day (I'm building up to this one.)
4. Exercising 5-7 days a week. (Running, Pilates, Zumba, Strength & flexibility classes)
5. Nothing obviously bad like fried foods or burgers.
6. Veggies/fruit every day.
7. Committing to a regular sleep pattern. Midnight to bed. 8 am to rise. (I like to sleep 9 hours but as an adult I shouldn't need to. I'm thinking the 9 hrs results from my unhealthy lifestyle.)

So if you want I'll update a little here and there on the Wellness Experiment. We'll see if doing healthy things really makes a difference in how I feel. I know this is unprecedented. Update women's magazines the world over!

PLANS TO MAKE!
Instead of resolutions this year I've assigned each month of 2010 a different focus-either a skill I want to learn, a trait I want to possess or a value I want to focus on. Obviously January is "Wellness." February is "Learning to (really) Cook." I got the idea from a blog I like & you may want to check out: Happiness Project

Also with the New Year came a slew of new books, movies, plays and trips I want to experience! I shall report back on all noteworthy items.

For now I'm going to go not eat a cookie.

New new new new new

2010-01-01T10:26:00.005-06:00

It is 9:30 AM on New Years Day 2010. Normally if I had a lazy morning I would turn on the TODAY show, sip on a cup of coffee, and catch up on blogs and other internet nonsense. Today I felt a strong sense to set the tone for the year right and keep the TV off. I do have my laptop and coffee though. It’s time to do some reflecting. And I reflect best here.

I think I’ve figured out that New Years is indeed my favorite holiday. Not necessarily because of the sparkly dresses and champagne toasts and parties (although I do love all things glamorous. Please!) but it must be my favorite because I’ve noticed that I try to perpetuate New Years all year long. I made goals/resolutions 3 different times over the past year. That is 3 pretend new years’s.

I love New Years because the obvious—it’s a new year. A new day. A prime opportunity for change and to make the best choices in one’s life. Like the lyrics from the musical “Rent” 525,600 minutes—how do you measure your life in a year? There are different ways to measure…how much money you’ve accumulated (or how much debt), how successful work endeavors went, if you succeeded in maintaining your relationship, if you finally got rid of the one you needed to, if you found love, if you locked love down, if you stayed close to the ones who you meant to, if you inspired others to be better, if you sacrificed time and money on the needy’s behalf. How did your year go?

I don’t know if you caught Oprah’s “Christmas at the White House” special on TV a few weeks ago. I didn’t see it with my own two eyes but I did hear that she asked the President one great question: “How would you grade yourself for what you’ve done the past year?” I think it apropos to ask myself the same thing.

If I were getting a 2009 progress report on the Report Card of Life what would I give myself? I think part of me wants to give myself a high score. “A” for effort if you will. But there are some things I fell short in—service to others, sacrificial giving, investing in social causes.

Primarily this year I invested in myself…with investing in friends and family coming in a lame 2nd.

I’m continually haunted by the heading of this blog: “This is Your Life.” If you know the Switchfoot song you know the rest of that phrase is: “Are you who you want to be?”

So I ask you: are you who you want to be?

This year I’ve spent a lot of time in a church-less world staring at the NYC sky (the patches between skyscrapers of course) and wondering what’s the point.

It is apparent that we as a human race all long to matter…long to leave some sort of legacy (like Jane Austen’s or Madeleine L'Engle’s would be fine with me!) I have seen that soul cry in all my friends—Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Agnostic, Atheist. My answer to that longing no matter your background is to delve into the meaning of love. For me of course a great depiction is in 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible. I choose today to make a cognizant effort to be less self-serving. As Avenue Q points out so ironically the most selfish thing you can do is be unselfish cause it makes you feel so good. :-)

Love more. Serve more. Be more patient. Think about myself less. Maybe I’ll give myself a higher score next year…

2009 reflections (more)

2009-12-28T18:35:00.005-06:00

Great Things about 2009 (new favorites, best of, things learned, things did, etc. etc.)

1. Went to NYC with a suitcase and $900 and stayed for 6 months.

(Patric and I in the midst of one of our 'talks' in Central Park.)

2. Glee.

3. Got off the Merry Go Round.

4. Amazingamazing friends I have made this year. People who I feel like I've known a heck of a lot longer than I actually have.

5. Got to live with/invest time in my Grandma.

6. (500) Days of Summer and Bright Star and Up in the Air.
& Away We Go (Honorable mention)

7. Got to see 13 Broadway shows and 24 live theatre performances.

8. Really got to know my Uncle Mark and Bill for the first time.

9. Figured out a long term plan. (I think...)

10. Learned that I can't keep everyone happy all the time. (I know I'm a little old for this one. Seems obvious, right?)

11. Got to take a musical theatre audition class with a New York casting director.

12. TWITTER.

13. She & Him and Ben Sollee.

14. Kevin Roose and Anne Lamott.

I know 14 things is an awkward list but that's it really.

2009 reflections pt. uno

2009-12-26T13:57:00.004-06:00

A little over 3 weeks has passed since the last time I wrote and what a 3 weeks it has been. I got to visit the beautiful and majestic state of Colorado and see my constant Patric. Patric and I did the whole IneverthoughtIdactuallydoitbutletsmovetoNewYorkwithno
moneyandnoclue thing. It was fantastic to see him and recount our memories of crazy New York and talk about plans and dreams for the future. (He promised to take me to the Oscar's at least once.)

The past few days have been super warm and fuzzy with fireside talks, cookie decorating (Oh yes, there were 4 twenty-somethings really getting into that. We even voted on which cookie was prettiest. The one with the least votes was eaten first.) lots of eating, and teary gift-giving. (I got a round trip ticket to visit Matt and Ash next year in Scotland.)

With less than a week until the new year I'm obviously surprising no one at all and being reflective. Looking back on the past year I think my biggest accomplishment was the NYC adventure. I learned many lessons: don't live with a couple (unless maybe you have your own shower), don't walk on the grates, don't expect to get seen at Broadway auditions, don't assume your apartment is rat-free. Things like that.

I've noticed over the past year I've been dubbed by many as the 'nomad.' What you maybe didn't know is that I really didn't plan for things to turn out that way. All the moves and changes of scenery that I've experienced resulted from specific unique circumstances. And while throughout the past year I've simultaneously yearned to put down roots and live a life of adventure I have no regrets. I want to squeeze so much out of life and two of those things have been independence and adventure. I have definitely gotten both over the past 2 years--at least one type of independence and one type of adventure.

My varied experiences throughout 2009 have reminded me of one very basic truth that I've known all along.

Relationships are the most important investment in life.

And as a postmodern, postfeminist young woman in the second decade of this century I have no qualms saying that. There is nothing weak about recognizing the humanity in connection and companionship. Work and making money and how we spend our time are absolutely essential to living purposefully and with fulfillment but committing to those things at the expense of investing in people leaves us feeling empty. What good is all the success in the world if you're eating Chipotle alone for dinner, ya know? As tasty and delicious as it is I've done it both ways and Chipotle is definitely better with a real person sitting across the table from you...every single time.

More 2009 reflections to come...

Can you listen to this song while you read this? Thanks.

2009-12-04T17:05:00.003-06:00

Wednesday I—wait for it—went to the GYM (which reminds me that I need to update you on how Novemberesolutions are coming!)! I accompanied Gram to the JCC where I got moving on the track while she was in her exercise class. I’m one of those people who is kind of useless working out if I don’t have a soundtrack. I love how epic and movie-musical-esque it is listening to an ipod while doing anything out in public. When I lived in NYC and stood out in the frigid February cold waiting to get seen at auditions I had my motivation mix (featuring “Hold On” from the Secret Garden). When I just needed to get some endorphins rolling in I’d listen to “Not For the Life of Me” while gliding (read: attempting to dodge tourists who had eyes to the sky) through Times Square.
Now once again soundtrack in ear I’m listening to the Glee cast recording of “Imagine.” While decidedly not PUMP IT! music all I really need to feel motivated is music I really like. I’ll walk/jog in double time if need be. You may keep ‘Boom Boo Pow’. Thanks. So I’m hustling along the track above the gym at the Jewish Community Center in peace and quiet (all alone in the enormous gymnasium [obviously I had the audacity to sing along to my pod with no one there!]) admiring Lea Michelle’s placement and unusually high palette (I swear her skull is specifically formed for a perfect mix/belt) when the gym is invaded--by 4-year-olds! They come barreling in—running! And by choice! Their zest for life and innocence was so poignant as I was listening to lyrics like “imagine all the people living for today.” So I am listening to this entire song about idyllic peace and I’m watching these children just playing with simple things like a ball or a hoop or blocks. And I’m pondering how we all start like that—really just playing, discovering the world, completely sucking at eye/hand coordination and then somehow some people grow into monsters and inflict genocide…suicide bombings…child pornography.
As someone who really doesn’t understand the concept of senseless violence I wonder why we can’t keep the sweetness we had as children. And that’s when I see Kid 1 choose not to share his ball and Kid 2 take it anyway. Then in tears Kid 1 goes to tell the teacher the upsetting sequence of events. And I’m reminded that we aren’t innately sweet unselfish creatures. We are born looking out for #1 and we have to choose to do unselfish things. As inspiring as it is to simply see children joyfully careening across a gymnasium I’m reminded that we all have to choose to live joyfully as we grow up—and choose to live compassionately. It’s not innately in us to put others’ needs before our own but how much better would the world be if we all did? I mean, imagine.

Really, what am I doing to help there be more peace on earth?

2009-12-01T16:56:00.001-06:00

Make it work!

2009-11-26T09:34:00.002-06:00

5 more weeks of 2009! I know any time people mention dates it’s immediately followed by “OMG can you believe it?!” etc. etc.
(But seers, can you?)

I can’t help but think about all I’ve learned and experienced this year and how much I’ve grown since this time last year.

Oh also did you notice it’s been like, 2 weeks since I wrote? (I’ll take your silence as a resounding “YES!”) The non-writing is decidedly not me-ish but life has been happening! (and oh how we love when it does!)

I was temping along printing shipping labels at the local marketing department of a dialysis company (glitzy!) listening to “Die! Vampire Die!” from [Title of Show] and thinking wistfully about how there’s so many places in this great country I’ve yet to see. (Why does this package of at home after kidney dialysis information get to go to Tempe and I don’t??) When on a break I had a missed call from a 212 number.

(212 is the area code for New York and we always hope it’s a casting company when there is a missed call and not a Walgreens wondering if I’m ever going to pick up my freaking headshots.)

I listened to the voicemail and discovered that it WAS a casting company and they wanted to see if I’d be available for an audition for a show on Monday.

(This was Friday.)

(I was in Nashville.)

I can’t just skip up to NYC at a moment’s notice! I had to call and politely decline and urge them to call me again next season! And then I went back to printing labels. The end.

PSYCHE.

OBVIOUSLY (being me) I finagled a way to make the thousand mile trek to the Big Apple for the audition. One minute I was printing shipping labels and the next I was shipping out!

I left the next day for Lynchburg where I had a ridiculously horrifying experience. Well, not in Lynchburg proper actually I was on I-81 near Wytheville. (details.) Apparently a crazy man thought I was throwing gumballs at his vehicle and decided to teach me a lesson thereby thoroughly freaking me out for 20 minutes and getting him arrested.
(FYI there were no actual gumballs involved.)
The night ended with me totally safe and him having a psychological examination at the sheriff’s station. I felt scurred for me but worse for my mom and dad who were on the phone with me during the crazy thing. Yuck. All’s certainly well that ends well. So after that I spent the night in my parents' beautiful new home on the Roanoke end of Lynchburg. It’s pretty much out in the country which is determinable by the insane amount of stars one can count from the driveway. BEAUTIFUL. And QUIET.
The next day I was on to DC where I dropped my car (Thanks Supreme Court for the free parking and lack of vandalism!!) and headed on to DC via Megabus (not quite as classy as Boltbus but it was sold out).
Monday it seemed that all stars aligned. I got major props on my darker hair color choice and my audition went very well. It really is a deeply satisfying feeling when you know that you showed the director exactly who you are and what you bring to the role without trying to morph yourself into some other type “See I’m a belter!! Hear my vocal nodes developing!!!”
It’s happened to me a few times and it’s so great.

I had planned to stay only for a day-ish and come back to the south Wednesday but the casting director asked me if I could come to the callback the following Monday. At first I was all, uhhhh really? Wait around a whole week? But then I was all lemmemakeitwork. So I gave away a few shifts, secured a couch to sleep on and learned how to wear the same thing twice in one week (a difficult lesson). While in NYC I got to catch up with 10 or so dear, dear friends, see “Dreamgirls” at the Apollo Theatre, see “Ragtime” at the Neil Simon Theatre and see my friend Melissa star as Rosalyn in “As You Like It” at Marymount Manhattan College! I also got to take a dance class at Broadway Dance Center, eat Crumbs Cupcakes and read a lot.

The callback Monday went well though I don’t really know (at all) how it will pan out. I really feel peaceful about it though--that if it is the right next step then I’ll get offered the job and if it’s not then I won’t.

So that pretty much sums up what’s been going on with me lately. I have about 3 and a half more weeks in Nashville until I go to Lynchburg for Christmas. At that point it looks like I’ll either be there for a couple of weeks until rehearsals begin in NYC or I’ll be gearing up for a semester of theatre classes. Both sound fantastic to me.

And since I’m finishing up this blog post on Thanksgiving I should say that I’m so thankful today for parents who didn’t screw me up, a sister and close friends who are fiercely loyal, inspire me to be better, and always assume the best, and an art form that so deeply moves my soul. Happy Thanksgiving!

Details. (it's a little wordy. just being honest.)

2009-11-12T22:03:00.007-06:00

(Warning: there is heavy usage of the words "I" and "My" in this blog. That's a little disgusting to me (oh there I go...oh there I go double!!) but I thought if you are up to the task of reading this you might care what's going on with me. I definitely care about what's going on with you. :-))

Hello big bright beautiful world!

I've been a bit absent from here lately only because the things preoccupying my mind and heart aren't particularly blog ready and/or blog appropriate.

It's strange. As extroverted and open-bookish as I am I just don't want to share all of it with everybody.

Meanwhile, I wish I could write as fast as I type/think. My wrist can't handle the thought speed! (I do love a seat by a window at a golden lit coffee shop in the early evening though. That's where I am now. Well, not now-now. Now as in when I was writing this--not typing. Ahem.)
Fear not though I have been writing a lot. I recently made November Resolutions. Yes that is the thing normal people do in January. Well, Patric and I decided to make June Resolutions over the summer and randomly prioritizing and setting goals really lends itself to giving a span of time some specific direction. So for these last 2 months I have Novemberesolutions. They include things like: finish reading these certain books. And get the hell off of Facebook. Things like that. I'm still poring over Anne Lamott's "Bird by Bird" and not only learning things about writing but there's also a ton to be gleaned and applied to acting. Here's an example:

"...each of your characters has an emotional acre that they tend, or don't tend, in certain specific ways. One of the things you want to discover as you start out is what each person's acre looks like. What is the person growing, and what sort of shape is the land in? ...you need to find out as much as possible about the interior life of the people you are working with...you also want to ask yourself how they stand, what they carry in their pockets or purses, what happens in their faces and to their posture when they are thinking, or bored, or afraid. Whom would they have voted for last time? Why should we care about them anyway? What would be the first thing they stopped doing if they found out they had six months to live? Would they start smoking again? Would they keep flossing?"

Good writing--as well as good acting--is in the details.

Coming home to Nashville for a few months has been great for my inner world. I've gotten to reconnect with my inner songwriter, guitarist, indy music lover, voracious reader, aspiring author and sacred music lover. There are many facets to my artist--yours too, I am certain.

I think in order to grow in one area of art we must tend to our other artistic gardens. Reading about writing--and in turn, writing about reading--is certainly making me a more thoughtful (read: better) actor.

In New York there was a certain level of manic urgency to my artistic focus. Specifically every day I was preparing for the audition that was coming up in the next 3 days or less. In Nashville I have been relieved of the constant pressure to prepare urgently. Instead I can prepare for auditions months in advance, finding excellent material, chewing on character choices. I can read a lot, play a lot and generally just enjoy creativity without the urgency. Gratifying for sure.

It really is fulfilling and in no small way life-altering to have a tangible long term goal. I've discovered that I want to get a MFA in acting--no small task to get into a program much less complete it! And it has affected everything. What I think about, what I write about, how I envision my future, how I spend my money--even where I live. The next year and two months will be spent in focused preparation. I have a code to crack--the law of getting into a well-respected MFA program. When it comes to performing I've truly never sought to discover how much I can learn, how much talent I can tap into and how much skill I can develop. Acting is a field many of us think will find us. I am not going to be discovered as I write in my journal at a coffee shop in Hillsboro Village today. (As AWESOME as it would be for a big Broadway producer to waltz in and say: "You! You there! With the dark reddishbrownish curly hair drinking the Rolover! Are you technically Jewish and play guitar and jump rope well? Can you sing an F? You're hired! Tell Playbill.com we've found our star!")

Lots and lots and lots of effort must be exuded. And that's ok. That's good even. So, here goes...

A Way Back To Then (a little lesson on good ballads and good performing)

2009-11-02T08:44:00.005-06:00

Every now and then I see a performance and notice some things about it. Maybe you'll find it semi-interesting or useful? Or notice something yourself and comment? Or disagree with me and comment?

This is a ballad from the show "[Title of Show]." This musical was written by the actors about the process of writing a show as they entered the show in a musical theatre festival. The show is about the show. Why is that hard for me to effectively describe? Lemme try again...the show within the show is the show the actors are writing in the show. Never mind. Let's jut focus on this one song. That's easier.

Here are things that are great about this song/performance.

--It's a ballad that is really a beautiful monologue penned to music. Great ballads always are.

--Great ballads also have relatable content. For anyone who's had dreams as a child this song definitely connects.

--Heidi makes vocal choices to interpret the song. She doesn't even move her hands. I think sometimes musical theatre performers think they have to add facial expressions and gestures that are not organic at all and we just mimic the way the song is performed by the person who originated the role. We should listen to those recordings less and study the lyrics more.

--Sometimes songs tell the story so effectively we as performers don't have to add that much to it. It's up to us to figure those things out. :)

2009-10-28T23:33:00.004-05:00

1. Do you like the darker background? I think it's more appropriate for the almost-Novemberness of it all.

2. Not only is my background darker but so is my hair! At some point there will be a picture where you can tell what color it is these days. I like it a lot. (It's still reddish but secretly I feel more Jew[ish] with it darker.)

3. What's going on with me you say? Just work. Working away! Even though my full time office job ended virtually the moment after it began I've been able to do other random things that have been keeping me busy. I'm still at Anthro and lately I've been assisting the visual team in preparation for all the holiday decor. If you've ever set foot in that store you can tell that someone handmade all the decorative flare and right now that someone is me and a bevy of other helpers. I've also recently gotten to do a little styling, babysitting and princessing (Sleeping Beauty & Little Mermaid if you must know all my secrets). It's been fun and busy.

4. I've also been reading some good books lately and thinking some deep thoughts about God and whatnot. I'm currently reading Anne Lamott's book on writing "Bird by Bird." I've barely tipped into the first few chapters but I'm already engrossed in the inspiration. I think I've highlighted and/or underlined approximately 1/2 the book. Whatever. It's how I glean. Ok for a few noteworthy morsels:

"I devoured books like a person taking vitamins, afraid that otherwise I would remain this gelatinous narcissist, with no possibility of ever becoming thoughtful, of ever being taken seriously...I was drawn to oddballs, ethnic people, theater people, poets, radicals, gays and lesbians--and somehow they all helped me become some of those things I wanted so desperately to become: political, intellectual, artistic."

(here's another...)

"...good writing is about telling the truth. We are a species that needs and wants to understand who we are. Sheep lice do not seem to share this longing, which is one reason they write so very little. But we do. We have so much we want to say and figure out." (ding, ding!! is she in my head??)

(one more!)

"What a miracle it is that out of these small, flat, rigid squares of paper unfolds world after world after world, worlds that sing to you, comfort and quiet or excite you. Books help us understand who we are and how we are to behave. They show us what community and friendship mean; they show us how to live and die. They are full of all the things that you don't get in real life--wonderful, lyrical language, for instance, right off the bat. And quality of attention: we may notice amazing details during the course of a day but we rarely let ourselves stop and really pay attention. An author makes you notice, makes you pay attention, and this is a great gift. My gratitude for good writing is unbounded; I'm grateful for it the way I'm grateful for the ocean. Aren't you?

Well, that was short-lived.

2009-10-19T14:35:00.005-05:00

Never mind about the 9-5. I had an awkwardly surprising discussion on Friday in which I was told that they no longer needed me. They’d be replacing me with someone who got laid off from a similar company who has more experience. They also think that my skills and brain are equipped for far more than what the position demands.

I wanted to tell them I was thinking it’d just be temporary too but I don’t think that’s exactly what you tell an employer.

So anyway…

I’m lucky enough that I have other work situations that are panning out presently and I even have a princess party scheduled for this week so things are still rolling along. Not without surprises though! Like today when my car rolled to a stop. I learned in that moment that the light that comes on when I’m low on gas is no longer functioning. I’m just blessed a car that has 175,000 miles on it still works at all. ☺

Additionally I am preparing for changes in life that I am very much looking forward to. Going back to school is pretty much a done deal and I am aching for the knowledge that is coming my way. In the mean time I am attempting to be intentional about making these months in Nashville memorable and make sure the memories of them don’t seep into one big runny not really recallable memory.

Nashville is beautiful right now and I am earnestly thankful to live amidst these four seasons. Something about fall reminds me that I deeply believe in intelligent design. It also reminds me that change is not some strange occurrence but it’s such an intrinsic part of life it’s even exemplified in nature. After summer must come fall. And you can’t get spring without winter. Change is for the best. It is down right healthy.

(Central Park's leaves are changing without me. I hate that!)

Paper cuts may be the death of me...

2009-10-13T07:04:00.002-05:00

Today I am spending my time at an undisclosed location. Picture white walls, Windows 2000 & paper clips. That's right...the new 9-5! Except j/k. It's more like 7:30-5.

Ouchie.

Maybe because it's Columbus Day or maybe because I-have-no-idea it's quite quiet here. This is day 5 on the job and I think I'm getting the hang of it. The only thing I'm not catching on to is the early to bed early to rise portion of my daily duties. I'll only say it once:

WHY DO WE ALL GET UP AND GO TO WORK WHEN IT'S STILL DARK?!?!? IT'S UNNATURAL!!!!!

That feels better.

I work at a folksy family-owned printing and marketing franchise with approximately 7.5 other people (one guy isn't here half the time.) [but really it would also be cool to work with a 1/2 person. Bet he'd be quiet. Or wouldn't take too many bathroom breaks.]

I work with 2 graphic designers. One is a big-haired southern girl who has 25 lizards and enjoys perusing "Backyard Poultry" during lunch breaks. The other is a Queens native and former manager of "female dancers." (He just told me today!)

Other noteworthies:

I learned how to shrink wrap! Did you know that shrinker gun gets up to 5000 degrees? That is burn your phalanges off hot, my friend.

Also the big news at the office last week was the new copier. Said copier will run you about $70k. WHAT? I mean, charge it?

One more for the cheap seats in the back:
While filing today I noticed a "business" card with a photo of a man in a shower with a logo of a bear printed on it. I guess all kinds of services have their marketing needs...oy. Who knew I would be more shocked at the printing company than I ever was in the theatre? Oh surprises...

Beauty

2009-10-09T00:03:00.001-05:00

More alike than different, perhaps...

Revision to 'if you were a song what would you be?'

2009-10-05T22:52:00.001-05:00

La 'Burg

2009-10-05T22:09:00.005-05:00

Such a fun time visiting the Burg this weekend but not a lot of pictures to show for it. Ashli has a few that hopefully she will post over at her blog soon. In the mean time please enjoy a couple of pics from the football game Saturday afternoon and our trip back to our first apartments.

Before we were best friends Leslie and I were neighbors in the (crappiest) apartments in Lynchburg. Our rent was $200 a month. Imagine...

2009-09-30T23:04:00.003-05:00

So excited to see my sis tomorrow!! This is how I feel. :)

2009-09-29T00:59:00.001-05:00

“We expect anything and everything. We expect the contradictory and impossible. We expect compact cars which are spacious; luxury cars which are economical. We expect to be rich and charitable, powerful and merciful, active and reflective, kind and competitive. We expect to be inspired by mediocre appeals for excellence, to be made literate by illiterate appeals for literacy. We expect to eat and stay thin, to be constantly on the move and ever more neighborly, to go to the ‘church of our choice’ and yet feel its guiding power over us, to revere God and to be God.”
--from Daniel Boorstin's book 'The Image'

252! yayuhh!

2009-09-26T16:03:00.003-05:00

First, I missed out on celebrating my 250th post last week. That's right. This makes 252. And selfishly I'm really pleased I've committed to write (for the most part) about my (semi) personal life for the past 4 years. Serves as a great little time capsule. One day I'm sure I'll look back on these post with a sigh and have a "Oh, to be young again...such innocence!" sort of a thought about it. But even now some of my old posts are only slightly less shockingly foreign than that hispanic cracked out man was on my first solo subway ride. Isn't it fascinating how we evolve as we grow up?

In other news (pause. I use that phrase too often. Good writers don't use any one phrase all the time.)

Of unrelated interest (that's a different segue. hooray!) It is still September and I have already read the same amount of books I read last year in totale. And that number is embarrasingly low. I blame it on ADD! Or my Treo! Or Facebook (evil of all evils.) No really maybe I blame it on bad habits. Whatever the case, because I lived in New York for 6 months and read on the train I am ahead of where I was last year. Which leads me to ask.

What books do you suggest I read for the duration of 2009?

I just completed Kevin Roose's "Unlikely Disciple" and my mouth is watering at the thought of expressing all the thoughts I've accumulated in reading it. In fact it has only served as further inspiration to actually focus and turn some of these blogs into a manuscript. Anyway, I just realized I have to go. Tada! Moral of the story? Tell me a book to read! And not one I will hate or get bored with. Thanks! :-)

vicarious.

2009-09-21T10:22:00.001-05:00

oh hey 1 am. wish i wasn't seeing you right now...

2009-09-20T00:55:00.007-05:00

It is 1 am on Sunday morning and I have to be at work ready to clean my heart out (or rather, Anthro's floors) at 8 am. 8 am!!!! on a Sunday!!!!

I haven't seen 8 am on a Sunday since...ok, that makes my head hurt. I don't know when. A long time!

So naturally since I have to get up early I should be asleep and I can't sleep. Oh yes hello life. that's you!

Meanwhile I've been in Nashville for the better part of a month (5 days gone in the middle but we'll call it a month) and it's been.....um.....not New York?

This calls for a list of things that have made my life great this week. As follows:

1. WICKED. A dear friend of mine from high school snagged a couple of tickets to the national tour of one of my favorite musicals and we went on Wednesday night. Duct tape was useful in keeping my belting to a minimum but nevertheless I was reminded again why I love this beautiful show. Can we make a sublist? Oh yes we can:
a) Stephen Schwartz can write a SONG. I found myself leaning over to Brian multiple times saying "This is probably my favorite song in the show."
b) Poignant moment after poignant moment. Who here can't relate to Glinda at the top of the 2nd Act when she is so desperately trying to convince herself all is well because she got what she wanted? "Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. Well, isn't it?"
c) #TruthSunday: I love that Elphaba inspires a guy and in so he falls in love with her. I wanna inspire somebody! (I also want to be inspired. But that's for another post.)
d) It's a show that highlights the female best friend relationship. Truth be told I have seen Wicked one other time. And that time I was in a completely different place in life and I got to see it with a completely different person. I went into the show being mildly afraid it would bring up a bit of lost love wistfulness. The funny thing is that it didn't. If the show made me think about any relationship in my life it is the one I have with my best friend. I really wish I could accurately articulate how fulfilling it is to have a best friend. The relationship between Glinda and Elphaba beautifully illustrates the "iron sharpening iron" relationship that can come from a challenging friendship. I've got that friendship and I couldn't be more grateful.

2. GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. GLEE. GLEE!!!!
Have you tuned into this stellar new show on Wednesday nights yet?! If not...WHY?! Please just stop reading and go over to Hulu and catch up! This magical series is the first ever show to incorporate music into every episode! It's comedy perfectly aligns with my sense of humor so I just sit with a stupid happy expression on my face the entire hour. You should also probably head over to itunes and purchase their rendition of "Don't Stop Believin'." Lea Michelle and Matthew Morrison are the leads and they also happen to be some of my past Broadway faves. And because of "Glee" they're probably also gonna be superstars. You heard it here kids.

3. Text messages.

4. Catching up with old friends.

5. Epiphanies. Like, 1. I need more inspiring women in my life to admire! Oy! And 2. my passions are performing and writing and also helping others realize what they find fulfilling and helping them figure out how to do it. (And the practical application this epiphany has for my life yet? I dunno. One epiphany at a time people...)

(I forgot about #6! so I'm adding it now!)

6. FINALLY DELETING MYSPACE. Why did I ever have a myspace account? Anyway, it's gone now. :) It feels right.

Also I'm not used to being in one spot geographically and wishing I was somewhere else. Seriously it's weird for me. So I may have to stop that soon...

As they say...

stay tuned. :)

ps-i may be unveiling a 2nd blog soon with a totally different theme. it'd be one where I get to stretch my journalistic muscles a bit more. perhaps in the direction of interviews and profiles on people. telling their stories. thoughts?

Currently Reading...

2009-09-08T22:57:00.002-05:00

and can't wait to comment on it!!

2009-09-04T13:18:00.002-05:00

“We live by revelation, as Christians, as artists, which means that we must be careful never to get set into rigid molds. The minute we begin to think we know all the answers, we forget the questions, and we become smug like the Pharisee who listed all his considerable virtues and thanked God that he was not like other men.”
-Madeleine L'Engle in "Walking on Water: Reflections of Faith and Art"

“This above all—ask yourself in the stillest hour of your night: Must I write?[…]if you may meet this earnest question with a strong and simple ‘I must,’ then build your life according to this necessity; your life even into its most indifferent and slightest hour[…]” -Rainier Maria Rilke in "Letters to a Young Poet"

Taylor

2009-09-03T11:22:00.002-05:00

I love this little interview!

Taylor popped into Anthropologie last night and I happened to be the person to ring her up. I saw a tall blonde in heels and shorts hovering around the candles but didn't realize it was her until she came right up to me. As a performer (different field, but still entertainment) I spent the rest of the night wondering why I was the one folding sweaters and Taylor Swift was the one recognized everywhere she goes and buying candles at Anthropologie. I don't mean that in a jealous way. Just in a...she's really just another person way...

Anyway. :)

This interview points out 2 things. 1) In the music business being a songwriter sets you apart. It adds credibility and money. And it gets you noticed. 2) The beauty of songwriting is articulating an emotion that alot of people feel. Then that becomes their favorite song. And 3 million records later...the rest is history.

If I Was a Song...

2009-09-02T00:40:00.002-05:00

I don't mean my favorite song. I mean, if the essence of my soul and life right. now. was a song it'd be this:

My friend Patric is this:

What is your song?

Reflections since no one is awake but me...

2009-08-24T06:55:00.005-05:00

August 24th, 2009.

I'm typing in my parents kitchen/living room/spare bedroom/dining room/breakfast room at their 3 bedroom apartment that overlooks the Blueridge Mountains and is actually over an Edible Arrangements on Enterprise Drive.

Strangely (awkwardly?) I don't know what to do with myself because I am the first one awake. This ne ne neeeever happens. Especially when the early to rise (do they even sleep? are they in fact robots?) sister and brother-in-law are in town. But that's neither here nor there. I grew up with a dad that would wake up before the chickens and hens reading his Bible, working out and going to Cracker Barrel all before I did the one-eyed peep at the alarm clock. And here we are in Virginia and not only does my dad work at the university I went to but I'm also the first one awake. Strange dear, but true dear...(name that song!)

Anyway it's double weird because today is the first day of classes for the new academic year at Liberty. And this marks the fall that the kids who were freshmen my senior year are now seniors. Does anyone else get the sense that life does not go on when you leave a place? And then you return to find things have indeed changed and the world goes on without you? I mean, obviously this is something we all know in our heads but can't always grasp when we're delved deep into the next experience. College was not invented for the 4 years I went to it. It's still going, Liberty is ever changing (thank goodness) and the freshmen are the seniors.

That doesn't mean I can't point out that this is all weird to me.

Additionally being back in town on this first day of school--the 3rd that has existed since I finished--it of course provides a great opportunity to reflect on these past 2 years and 1 summer that I've lived post-college. I've lived in 4 cities. Seen the end of my dad's 23 year pastorate. Seen my sister move to Europe. Seen my grandfather slowly losing his battle with dementia. Seen the real end of a merry-go-round relationship. Seen a best friend get engaged. Seen another best friend's office in the White House. Seen the tail of a rodent disappear into my oven in Queens...

It has been an eventful 2.25 years.

I was asked recently by a wistful friend if I ever "miss college so much I could cry." The brief answer to that is "no." Life after college is undoubtedly amazingly more difficult. And I would trade nothing for the 4 years I had in Lynchburg. But there is something satisfying about venturing out on one's own. Growing up. We must always live as if the best days of our life are ahead-not behind. Because they are. L'Chaim!

Hey yall!

2009-08-22T12:34:00.002-05:00

So lately I’ve been traveling a bit. It’s possible—no, quite likely—that you don’t know what state I’m in right now. Well, I can’t be sure either really. I’m actually on a bus somewhere between New York and Washington D.C. I haven’t been paying close attention to the extent that I would know what state I’m in. So if you do know what state I'm in that's AMAZING. How did you do that?

August has felt a bit like a world tour. I flew to Nashville from New York on August 5th. Stayed for a week. Flew to Orlando for 5 days. Flew back to Nashville. Worked a day at Anthropologie. 36 hours later drove to Lynchburg. Stayed in Lynchburg for approximately 27 hours then drove to DC. Caught a bus to Manhattan. Stayed in Manhattan another 36 hours or so and now I’m headed back to DC. Originally I had planned on staying in Manhattan all weekend but I’m ready for a break from traveling and to see my family and friends. So that all made me wanna hurry back down to VA. So now it’s Saturday morning and well, afternoon now I suppose and I’m back on the bus headed to DC. I’ll spend the next 24ish hours hanging out with Leslie and then I’ll be back to Lynchburg until Tuesday AM. Then I’m in Nashville for 2 weeks. Then back to the Burg to actually get some quality time with the family (since things have been so rushed and random) and then I’ll go to Charlotte for SETC where hopefully I will wow a few directors who want to give me money in return for me singing/acting/dancing.

So ya know…that’s pretty much what’s going on with me.

The next few weeks have me applying for some office-y type jobs in Nashville. I still intend on working at Anthro and princessing at parties but those aren’t the most reliable forms of income so I want a 9 to 5. Also so I can sing this song and do these awesome dance moves every morning:

Meanwhile I’ve been thinking about an MFA in Acting or Musical Theatre for fall 2010…think I may look into admissions requirements. I wish more schools offered this program but there’s really not that many! The few that peek (why do I always spell that wrong? Oh English...) my interest are The Catholic University of America (in DC), UNC Chapel Hill, UVA, University of Central Florida, and of course the more amazing than amazing programs in NYC. Without a BFA it may be all but impossible to get in but it is absolutely worth investigating.

So my world tour is wrapping up on Tuesday and I have to tell you how full it makes my heart to have seen so many scattered friends over the past 3 weeks. I love you guys a lot. Mush mush mush. BYE!

You Love It. You Hate It. You Should Read This.

2009-08-12T13:29:00.002-05:00

I have had a Facebook account since spring of 2005. I was a sophomore in college. At that time Facebook was only limited to some colleges--pretty much only big state schools and some private schools. When I got Facebook you could upload a profile picture, write a profile description and write on friends’ walls. I think you could send private messages but only to one person at a time.

Fast forward 4 years. Now Facebook is open to anyone with a valid email address. It has far surpassed 100 million users around the world. Not only can you upload thousands of photos but you can tag identifications of your friends. So people who look at your photos can put a face to a name of people they don’t even know! Not only that but you can write private messages to 20 people at a time and you could write back and forth for as long as you like. I haven’t tested that out. There may be a limit to how long a thread of messages can go but I know I’ve had threads go for hundreds of messages at a time. In addition to all these snapshots of life and group conversations you can now post video messages to friends. So now people you don’t know not only know what you look like from photos, they can also identify the sound of your voice and expressions. As if you’re a personal friend or a celebrity they’ve watched on TV.

And society as a whole acts like this is all normal. The word “stalking” no longer elicits fear and nervousness. Now it’s a tongue-in-cheek way to say you’re intrigued by someone you either know (or don’t) and you like to read what they write, see who they talk to, find out what their interests are and peek into their lives to either judge or be impressed. I have found myself clicking through photos of friends’ (I use that term loosely) home renovations, Christmas mornings, positive pregnancy tests, and intimate marriage proposals. And of course some of these people I’m close to and have a vested interest in. But of course, those are the people who in a Facebook-less world would take the time to email me photos of the events. The photos I view on Facebook are rarely of close friends. More often they are of “friends” who I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation with in 3 years or more or they are friends who I’ve met recently and have had little more than a passing conversation with.

We have become a society obsessed with being our own celebrity.

Facebook gives us each an opportunity to be the star of our own reality show. Our profile photo gives out a message: I AM FUN! I AM SEXY! I AM ARTSY! I AM DEEP! I HAVE BIG MUSCLES NOW!

Our “Write Something About Yourself” box gives us an opportunity to show the world how introspective we are. Or spiritual. Or hilaaaarious.

And our photo albums give us the opportunity to show people how exciting our lives are! Or how well off we are. Or how gorgeous the people are who we've chosen to surround us. Or just how gorgeous we are. (Take that jerky guys of high schools past!)

And seriously, I’m only touching on the surface of the ignored weirdness of Facebook. A second level is how strange it is to have a “profile page.” One page of information and images that represents you to the world that knows you. I have roughly 1200 “friends” on Facebook. Let’s be honest, there’s no way I personally know many more people than that in the real world. And of those 1200 probably 20% are people who I have even run into in person within the last year. All the rest only know the adult me (post childhood, post college) through what they see on Facebook. They see I’m single. They see I’ve lived in various places. They see photos of me on stage. Photos at the White House. Photos at Disney World. Photos at bars in New York.

Insert judgmental presumption here.

How utterly strange is it to have 1 representation of who you are to your extended family, long lost childhood friends, first loves, middle school bullies, college sorority sisters, and people you’ve just met through friends within the last 2 weeks!

I submit that we should all do a little self-analysis on our Facebook use. Maybe we should scale back our mindless curious clicking and our diarrhea-like output of personal information. Perhaps we’d be better served to close the laptop and pick up the phone. Have a real conversation with someone who has legitimately invested in your life. Not people who just click on pictures of it.

British Lit nerd post--consider yourself forewarned.

2009-08-11T21:07:00.002-05:00

I am so. excited. about. this.

John Keats is my favorite poet. His life was so tragic and romantic. Here's one of my favorite poems:

Ode on a Grecian Urn

THOU still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of Silence and slow Time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fringed legend haunts about thy shape
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy?

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearièd,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love!
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue.

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea-shore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of its folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul, to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return.

O Attic shape! fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form! dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'

What I (personally) have learned about NYC vol. 1--courtesy of MTA primarily.

2009-08-09T23:39:00.008-05:00

I've been back in Nashville for 4 semi-frantic days. A lot of my time here thus far has been devoted to finding THE wedding dress for my best friend Bonnie. The task has been completed. I also attended a handful of social events and 2 auditions. And had dinner with my Grandma. So now it's time to blog...

I wanted this to be a top 10 list. or top 15. something divisible by 5 but alas it's a top 7. talk about lame. whatever. atleast it's God's number. here's some random things I picked up on and wrote down when I noticed them while living in New York. :)

1. (Regarding subway stations) Rats on the tracks may be kind of entertaining to watch but truly you don't want them there because the next step is them on the platform and the next step is them on the 6 train.

2. In NYC being called "Miss" is more flattering than "Maam." It is not curt and it implies that you are young and vibrant.

3. Existing in New York is forfeiting the right to personal space in public places. No table for 1 at Starbucks and no empty seat between you and Jose on the red line.

4. People outside of my age group/economic level/origins exist. I'm reminded daily. We brush arms.

5. New Yorkers know the hand signals on the roads are mere suggestions for pedestrians. If there is not a car coming, you walk. And if you dont--well, you'll never get anywhere nearly as fast. And you'll never get those 15 seconds back.

6. Avoiding the grates on sidewalks is what New Yorkers do. Why? 1) Hot air--yuck. 2) Smelly--gross. 3) What are you thinking?! You could fall down there! And then you'd REALLY be late.

7. There's a reminder of humanity every time I see someone dash for a train that is about to leave or stumble as a train comes to a stop. Truly we're all just people and we're really not that in control of anything.

Kicking and Screaming...

2009-07-26T20:14:00.003-05:00

Well it's 9 days away so I guess now is as good a time as any to let you know...

I'm leaving New York.

Hopefully not foreeeever but atleast for the next chunk.

I'm splitting my time in August between New York for the first 5 days, then Nashville for 2 weeks, then 5 days in Orlando, then wrapping the month up in Lynchburg. I know that sounds a little psychotic.

My sublease in Astoria ends August 1st but there are still a few auditions I want to attend here the first week of August. Bonnie, the lifelong best friend of like, 22 years got engaged a few months back and I have 1) yet to see the ring and 2) communicated to her that if she chose a wedding dress without me present I might DIE. So we are meeting up in Nashville to shop. :) I also haven't been back to the Music City since February and I'm pretty sure it's the longest I've been gone...ever! Weird. Nashville has gone through so many changes! No more Suttons, a new Urban Outfitters. It's weird stuff folks. I need to check it out. It will be the strangest phenomenon not to go back to Brandywine Pointe Blvd. I'm still not used to all this. Wonder when I will be?

For those of you who I talk to on a more regular basis you're probably not shocked by my decision to leave. Or you might be. Just 6 weeks ago I was loving living in Astoria, definitely staying in New York til the end of the year if not the next 5 years. But finances with several part-time jobs has proved to not add up to what I need to stay here and no great roommate possibilities have come knocking. Call me human but I'm just sick of living with strangers. I want a home! I want MY furniture! MY pictures on the wall! MY friend living in the other room! So those 2 factors helped me decide that the fall will be a great time to save money so I'm never destitute again. It's not cute having to choose between buying conditioner and hair gel. I need to do the non-exciting thing and do the smart thing. Save up and be on my feet for 2010.

So where will I be the rest of the year beyond my August travel? It's yet to be determined. I love Nashville and Lynchburg and could be happy in either locale. During my August trips I'm going to investigate the job possibilities and see what looks more advantageous. If I go to Nashville there will definitely be more princess parties. And I do love that. :)

I'm finishing up reading a thought-provoking piece of non-fiction by Malcolm Gladwell called "The Outliers." The book details the stories of various groups of people who became very successful. Reading it has reminded me how important it is to do meaningful work. I've been trying to figure out what I want my life to look like down the road and how to get there. I think the first step for me is to really commit and get plugged into one community. One community socially, spiritually and theatrically. I also want to focus more on writing. So, ya know, yay for that.

As always...more to come...

Top 10

2009-07-23T13:54:00.005-05:00

I'm in a listy (not to be confused with lusty) mood so I thought I'd forward to you 10 of the most novel, interesting, useful or visited websites I frequent. Ch Ch check it out...

1. Freetranslation.com is amazing because if you're like me and you do the occasional international travel or travel writing or have an inkling to write something in Finnish on Facebook this website is an easy go to.

2. Pianofiles.com has undoubtedly been one of the most useful websites for me. It is a networking site where every user's page consists of a list of the digital sheet music they own. Some people have entire scores of movies and musicals. Any song you may need is possible to find. I have traded sheet music so far with about 10 people. And I've acquired the sheet music for songs I need for auditions. Ordinarily I'd fork out $5 for each piece. So survey says, I'm saving a lot of money. And for a career that forces you to spend so much on the job interview (headshots, resumes, dress, makeup, heels, sheet music) it's nice to have something to ease the pain throbbing in my pockets.

3. Twitter! I tend to be that guy who is wary of the new social networking craze. I was last on the myspace bandwagon back in the 80's and I joined Twitter well after all my techy cult apple pals. But I quickly realized upon joining that Twitter for me was like a really enjoyable way to group-text. I've chosen to limit my Twitter "friends" to people who I am really good friends with so any update I receive is of particular interest to me. Somehow while I'm waiting for the train to arrive I can learn that Ashli and Matt just had a delightful dinner on the Seine, Dad just completed his 501 syllabus, my friend Lindsay is en route to Texas and Meagan is studying for an intense exam. That's the kind of connecting I like.

4. Mint.com falls into the category of useful. I am a person who loves things being concise and organized. I use iCal daily (oh that color-coding). In the same vein Mint.com is a website that keeps up with bank accounts, credit cards and 401k's in one happy, organized place. I personally have accounts with 2 different banks so Mint converges all my spending and shows me how much I spent last year on food and even provides a way for me to see a pie graph of where my money is going. And as a visually oriented person I just love that. I can also budget through the website and they text me when they think an account is "dangerously low." It's a thoughtful little site.

5. Ashlielizabeth.blogspot.com is one of my very FAVORITE websites. In part because it is written by my sister. :-) Ashli and her husband Matt live in Edinburgh, Scotland and are spending the summer in Paris. She posts dreamy photos daily and gives detailed descriptions of ex-pat life. Totally recommend!

6. Hopstop.com is THE way I got around when I first moved to New York. It's a thoughtful mapquest for subway lines that takes note of rush hour and lines being down due to maintenance (which happens always.) Useful!

7. The Producer's Perspective Ken Davenport is a real live Broadway producer and provides candid analysis of the happenings on the Great White Way. I have a lot of interaction with directors, choreographers, and even quite a bit with writers but on a personal level I don't interact with producers often so Ken's blog is an interesting and rarely heard voice.

8. Playbill.com The Drudge of the theatre world. Much easier on the eyes than Broadwayworld and it even has a section for audition and job postings. I check this site multiple times daily.

9. Facebook.com You know it, you love it, you've wasted days of your life on it. My favorite part of Facebook is the messaging. I have one email chain through Facebook with friends that I've had for 2 years. It's quite useful for keeping in touch with all the people that you don't have time to call all the time. It's a way to spend less time on the phone but stay connected. Losing touch is soooo 1999.

10. Smartprettyandawkward.com This little site is satisfying like a jolly rancher. Small, tart and puts a little gleam in your eye. It also comes with quotes and you know how a girl likes her quotes...

15 Books

2009-07-21T18:54:00.003-05:00

Have you guys seen that trend on facebook where you're supposed to make a list of 15 influential books in your life and give virtually no thought to what comes to mind? Well I made one just now and I'm posting it here instead. :-)

1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
2. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
3. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
4. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
5. Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner
6. A Little Bit Wicked by Kristin Chenoweth
7. On Writing Well by William K. Zinsser
8. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
9. Walking on Water by Madelein L'Engle
10. Tess of the D'urbevilles by Thomas Hardy
11. The Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell
12. Failing Forward by John Maxwell
13. The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews
14. Sacred Marriage by Gary L. Thomas
15. I Married Adventure by Luci Swindoll

A really good day.

2009-07-10T13:56:00.003-05:00

Tuesday night I had one of the best theatrical experiences of my life. I know, I know I love shows. I love 90% of what I've seen in the theatre since moving to New York so I'm not what one would call a "tough critic" (except if you get me on the topic of City Center's 'The Wiz' YIKES!) but the performance of 'Twelfth Night' produced by the Public Theatre in Central Park was one of the most enchanting delightful theatrical experiences I've ever had. Ahhhh. Let me just start from the beginning. (a very good place to start.)

Every summer the Public sponsors FREE shows in an outdoor theatre in Central Park. Sounds great until you realize tickets are limited and first come first serve and those first served, well, usually arrive around 3 AM. (hard core.) I got a tad suspicious when the dudes at the front of the line looked quite comfortable chilling out in Central Park...as if they lived there...but seriously, if I had $50 and felt good in my heart about having a hobo save my spot in line I might've done it too. Anyway...neither here nor there.

I was supposed to meet Conor and Melissa to get in line at 7:30 AM. I had heard that was a reasonable hour to attend so we made that the plan. I hadn't slept well the night before and each person who arrives can get up to 2 tickets so when 6:30 rolled around I felt no hesitation to text them and let them know I was running a bit late. I texted. I rolled over. The next thing I knew it was 8 AM. I called Conor and no answer. It made me a tad uneasy since when one is waiting in line for something for hours on end a phone call is welcomed entertainment. I decided to throw on some tennis shoes and dash down to the park. Conor's alarm didn't go off and Melissa had gotten sick in the night so there was nobody holding our precious spot in line! I arrived after about 600 of my closest pals. My friend Lacey (the flight attendant chum who had come in to town the week before to see the show) had waited all day---i mean from about 9 am until 8 pm and got to see the show so I was prepared to set up camp all day. Conor arrived about an hour and a half after I did and we made a plan. She'd hold our spot til 1 pm. I'd come back and wait with her for an hour or two then she'd leave, Melissa would get there for a while and we'd hope for the best. Tickets would start being handed out at 1 pm. The line started moving and a guy and girl (presumably a couple) walked down the line from the beginning to the end looking slightly bewildered carrying camping gear (sleeping bags, etc). I happened to make eye contact with the girl and they came over to us and asked us if there were "Only two of us." And we go "Yeah" and they said "Our friends aren't going to be able to come so would you guys like these tickets?" These nice kids had arrived at 5:30 AM and were GIVING us their extra tickets. It seemed a little too easy. We stood there tickets in hand bewildered for a solid 10 minutes. It was only 2:00! I thought we'd be waiting in the "stand by" line for 6 more hours! Whaaaaaa?

So in lieu of camping out in Central Park all day I decided to walk from the upper east side down to Times Square. I spent a satisfying hour in Drama Books reading and then made my way up to the Upper West Side. I got to the theatre a bit early and sat down on a bench. It was there that I met Lewis.

I was gazing at my ticket when Lewis took a looksy over and informed me that I had a good seat. Better than his he pointed out. The senior seats are all the way on the side. Close but all the way on the side. My seat was closer to the center. I told him I was just happy to have a ticket and I told him I brought cookies for our generous new friends. He said that he had arrived at the park at 6 AM to get a ticket. He also said that it was probably the last year he'd be doing that because waiting in line for 7 hours outside made him a little sick. He said he's the type to do what he wants to do though. He doesn't usually let things like that stop him. Lewis and I went on to discuss theatre. He's lived on the 6th floor of a walk up apartment building on the Upper East Side for more than 50 years. A native New Yorker he has seen MANY Broadway shows and says they don't make 'em like they used to. He said he was pleasantly surprised by the "South Pacific" revival though. Lewis loves dogs and made a point at talking to each one that strolled by and calling them "My Deahhhh" just the way it sounds. His wife and his own dog passed about 3 years ago. He doesn't think dogs should go without 2 to 3 walks a day so he hasn't bought another. And being 83 he doesn't exactly want to walk up and down those stairs more than twice a day. I told him I have a vested interest in the theatre in that I'm an actress. He loved that. HE said he's met alot of actresses--and living in New York all his life I'm sure he has.I tried to brag a little and told him I saw Jeff Daniels walking in the park earlier (he's currently starring in the Broadway play 'God of Carnage' and he had a small role in Sam Mendes' new movie 'Away We Go' which i just saw on Friday night.) Lewis was none too impressed. He's walked by celebrities and brilliant actors on the street all his life. He's seen Meryl Streep and Katherine Hepburn perform live in plays. Vivian Leigh too! After chatting for about 30 minutes he decided to embark into the theatre and he looked me dead in the eye. He said, "I just have one thing to say to you. Work hard. Tons of actresses come to this city to make it. Don't get distracted. Work hard."

I gulped to myself. Looked him back dead in the eye and said "I will."

We got to our seats just as the sun was setting. The stage was a beautiful large patch of green grass with a few rolling hills. I couldn't imagine a whole play on this small simple set but what the director did with it was pure magic. I have to be honest here and admit that i was a little nervous about seeing Shakespeare. I've never seen a professional production of Shakespeare and the college productions I have seen have left me...how should I say...bored...unaffected...texting?

I knew this was the make or break moment. If I'm one of those people who can't really appreciate Shakespeare then I respect myself juuuust a little bit less.

The lights on the stage came up and Anne Hatheway made her first entrance. Viola has just rolled onto the beach of Illyria after a shipwreck where she has lost her brother. For Shakespearean reasons she decides to disguise herself as a man to be a servant to the local duke. To make a long story short the Duke is in love with Olivia, Olivia falls in love with Anne (who she thinks is a dude) and Anne is in love with the Duke.

The acting in this play was none like I've ever seen in person. Every actor on the stage was every bit as committed as actors in an Oscar winning film even though there was virtually no set and the actors can turn their heads to the left and SEE the audience.

I wish I could adequately express how seeing this affected me. Let me really focus and try. I knew I was watching people who are some of the most skilled actors in New York. The creativity in their acting made Shakespeare's words fresh and relevant. It inspired me to be that creative on stage. To not say lines or lyrics like they've always been said. I was also so inspired by Anne Hatheway's commitment to her character. In her monologue in the last act about how she aches for the Duke I was so moved. And when she discovers that her brother is indeed not dead you can see in her face the process of choices she made as an actress. In spite of the play being a comedy Anne brings an immense amount of vulnerability and honesty to her role. I hope every actor who got the opportunity to watch her perform were inspired to take their commitment to roles up a few notches. Cause if anyone can get by on a name and charm it's Anne Hatheway.

I'm learning in my audition class how important vulnerability is on stage and how the clearest avenue of expressing it is through one's eyes. My first acting professor Neal Brasher told us in class (I'll never forget it) it doesn't matter how much you as an actor FEEL the moment on stage is real-if the person in the back row doesn't feel it, it doens't matter. Acting isn't about having such a huge imagination that you can convince yourself you see pink clouds. The audience has to see the pink clouds. And if they do, then you've done your job.

So Twelfth Night in Central Park under the stars was one of the best nights I've had in the theatre. I hope one day I can inspire someone to be better the way Anne Hatheway inspired me. At the end of the play the whole cast sang the lyric "Our play is done and we'll strive to please you everyday." To bring a bit of hope and joy to a world that's full of hard moments daily...that's really what theatre is about...we'll strive to please you everyday...

"Dont Suck."

2009-07-01T19:10:00.003-05:00

Hi friends :)

Tonight I'm writing from a warm and surprisingly quiet apartment on the Upper West Side. All of a sudden around June 28th New York finally remembered that it's summer and I've been adjusting accordingly. I'm so NOT used to a/c units in windows as opposed to central heating and air. My sleep pattern is totally thrown off by the night sweats but being the cheap broke actor that I am I can't bear to turn the air up to a level in which I'm actually comfortable enough to doze off. Ha. My life is so glamorous glamorous. (flossy. flossy.)

June in the city has been great! I've gotten to work alot less at Anthropologie which is good for my soul and my career. I've had more time to put into auditions and whaddyaknow I'm getting better feedback/callbacks! I'm also really enjoying spending time with Rufus: my 5 year old 2nd cousin (we have the same great-grandmother [my mom's dad and rufus' grandpa are brothers.]). Rufus is amazingly inquisitive and funny and is gearing up for kindergarten in the fall. He is itching to learn how to read. And he's got a pretty big vocabulary. He's already tossed out "cap-sized" and "diarrhea." Proud. Also, Rufus' mom Cory, who is my ehh..2nd cousin by marriage? whatever. is a HILARIOUS comic and you should definitely check out her stuff. Her website is HERE So far I've only spent time with her in 15 minute intervals but I am looking forward to picking her brain about being a female stand-up comic. Also for the record she said Craig Ferguson is totally nice. She's been on his show 3 times and she showed me a card he left in her dressing room. On the inside it read:

"DONT SUCK. -CRAIG"

Just a gem.

Other than that I've started an audition class with a casting director. We've only met for class once so far but I'm already gleaning tons. I'm also still holding my breath about a certain callback that I got for a certain show at a certain disneyworld where I would play a fish (rhymes with Fabio). It would be a dream come true. If I get it I'll hear some time this month.

I'm also trying to figure out if I want to be here in New York long term or not. I love the city but it can be a lonely place to try and conquer alone-ish. My heart really wants to put some roots down somewhere and I want it to be near at least 1 or 2 of my nearest and dearest. I'd love to go away and return a bit down the road with a buddy (re: sig other? tmi?) We'll see. :-) Where there is routine there can still be adventure. That is what I'm trying to tell myself anyway...until next time yall...

2009-06-16T23:18:00.002-05:00

So, by the way, if you like reading my blogs maybe you would like my microblogs too? You can follow them at twitter.com/hilarysutton. Word!

2009-06-15T13:57:00.006-05:00

Am I really capable of being this tech-savvy? I recorded this today. Don't get too excited-it's just an audio file (with a picture of a Christmas tree). I think I would feel awkward serenading a camera on my macbook anyway. No editing (obviously. ha!) This is from the show Avenue Q. I'm auditioning for the new national tour next week. :) I hope you enjoy!

i guess i've got chutzpah.

2009-06-15T13:09:00.000-05:00

“I don’t see how you stay so optimistic. Going to auditions every day. Not getting gigs every day...I couldn’t do it!”

“I’m optimistic because…I have to be.”

Pounding the pavement auditioning almost daily is not an easy task. Every show calls for you to express something slightly different to show the casting directors that you are a good fit for the character. That means knowing 16 bars of songs that would be right for every character in every show out there that you think you’re a match for. Oh and it can’t actually be from that show so you have to find a similar character in a different show with a similar range and style and personality and age range and motive.

And you need to have it memorized. And it better be in the right key and clearly marked for the pianist. And don’t forget your headshot and resume and perfect audition dress. And pantyhose! You’ll probably have to stop and buy some since they rip after 3 wears. And you better straighten your hair if you’re not auditioning for “Hair” or “Jane Eyre” because your kind of hair really only fits for hippy roles and women from the 19th century. And you have to make it easy for the casting director to envision you in this role that has been played by countless numbers of people so you have to be a bit generic but not too generic that you’re forgettable.

And you better get to that studio wicked early because if you don’t you risk doing all that work and preparation and sitting and waiting and not even getting seen at all. And then you’ll just be pissed off at yourself all night at work thinking “If I had just gotten up when my alarm went off I wouldn’t have missed what obviously would have been my big break!”

But if you didn’t get seen that day because you’re not in the Actors union and its truly not your fault you’ll have to spin it in a different way so you don’t think about all the things you could have been doing in glorious New York City that day while instead you were a shut-in with 300 girls who look just like you humming annoying songs and dying of boredom.

This whole audition scene is a mind game. You have to be smarter than your mind because your mind will drive you crazy. You have to decide that no matter what happens at the audition that day…you don’t get seen, you get seen but you forget the words, you get seen but you go flat, you get seen but the director is a total tool, you get seen and you do AWESOME, you get seen and you do awesome but you don’t get a callback, you get seen and you get a callback…

That it doesn’t affect whether it’s a good day or not. Because ultimately you don’t control how you’re received. You control what you’re giving and you control your outlook. As long as I remember each day is a gift and there are a million reasons to smile and LIVE I can keep going into that audition room and hoping today’s the day.

Tony Tony Tony!

2009-06-06T10:31:00.003-05:00

YALL.

I have never been so excited about the Tony Awards.

But since I've sat in a Broadway audience no less than 10 times this season I can't hannndle the excitement. I feel personally involved! These are shows I saw with my own eyes! Actors I met! Songs that moved me!

I hope you'll join me in rooting for Karen Olivio (who played Anita in West Side Story) and Alice Ripley (who played Dianah in Next to Normal.)

Also root for the Title of Show guys and look up there youtube show! It's hilarious. They literally wrote a show about writing a show. It's witty.

The Tony's air tomorrow night and I'm going to be watching with my beloved Uncle Mark and Bill. Pizza included.

This year I'll be watching from Astoria. Next year...?

2009-06-05T13:23:00.001-05:00

Hi everyone!

First I’d like to point out that I realize it’s been a coon’s age since I’ve written. Has it been a month or something like that? It’s not good for me and it’s not good for you so let’s start fresh.

Hi, I’m Hilary. I like to write and sing showtunes. I live in New York and I’m from the south. I’m a preacher’s kid and I’m a little jew(ish). I have red curly hair and people are what I value most in life. Oh and I also like brownies.

May was a whirlwind month. I had guests for a week. I had 10 auditions in 5 days (don’t worry. I only made it into the audition room for a fraction of them.) I went to Florida for a week. Then my parents were in the City for a week. Bim bam boom. MAY.

This past weekend I moved. Yes, you read that right. I moved. again. My sublease on the upper east side was just a 6 weeker so I’ve now upgraded in a thousand ways to a beautiful little apartment in Astoria. For you non-New Yorkers lemme break it down. New York is split up into 5 boroughs. There’s Manhattan which is the actual island. Then you have the Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn, and Staten Island. Astoria is within Queens. It takes me approximately 20 minutes to get to Times Square which ironically is shorter than it did when I lived in Manhattan. I also pay $100 less each month for rent and have a muuucchhhh nicer apartment. All because I don’t live “in Manhattan.” And to that I say “who cares?!”

This week has been great. I started my new parttime nannying gig with (a week shy of) 5 year old Rufus. It relieves me from being at Anthropologie 6 nights a week and it is an improvement in income. This week I have also had no auditions which has been really nice. After so many visitors and vacations I needed a little downtime to collect myself and prepare for the auditions coming up later in the month. I went to Colony music and got some new books and I’m meeting with my friend Chris to go over some new songs today actually. Other than that I’ve been reconnecting with friends I haven’t seen in a month and trying to eat healthier. New York has not been good for my girlish figure so we’re cutting out the obvious bad stuff until further notice.

I’ve also just signed up for an audition class that will meet once a week for 6 weeks. I’m really, really REALLY stoked about it. It’s actually a birthday gift from my parents. Thanks Mom and Dad!! Since I’ve had very very little actual performance education I think I will learn a lot and eat it up. I’ll report back on that after awhile. Classes begin June 18th.

Beyond all of the every day happenings I’m toiling with plans for the fall. I’m only tied down in this apartment til the end of July. Beyond that I’m really trying to think big picture and smart. So if you pray (and I hope that you do) maybe you could remember to mention some wisdom and clarity for me as I’m making “life decisions.”

PS and Sidenote: When Mom and Dad were here we saw the new show “Next to Normal” and it was incredible. Musically brilliant. The book was brilliant. And Alice Ripley was the most inspiring actress I’ve seen on a stage. When you’re in New York I wholeheartedly recommend seeing it.

That’s all for now!

Airport reflections

2009-05-16T10:08:00.002-05:00

Today I’m writing from a nook in the corner of the “National Airport” (as it was referred to by the flight attendant though I always heard it called ‘Reagan’) I’m ½ way to my destination of one of my 4 towns: Orlando, FL!

Orlando is where I lived for 6 months in 2007 after I finished at Liberty. My final year at Liberty was filled with classes, shows, socializing and dreaming about my next adventure. The first day of classes that fall of 2006 (my senior year) I turned to my best (Liberty) friend Leslie and said “I look around this campus and the other kids just look so much younger than me.” I was ready to discover the new, feel challenged and have my senses sharpened by fresh experiences. So when Josh suggested I come down to Orlando and audition at Disney (I could maybe possibly pass for one of the Ariel girls) my heart skipped at the adventure. Then my friend Katie asked me to stay with her at a lake house she’d be babysitting for the summer. What? Ok, dream scenario I will live you.

During that 6 months I lived on my own for the first time (I paid my own rent! Thanks Anthropologie! And Disney World! And Starlight Dinner Theatre! [RIP]) Orlando is special to me for a number of reasons. I was always totally enchanted with Disney as a child (ask my parents—the ones who didn’t have the right to keep walking when we passed the Disney store at the mall in Birmingham on our annual pilgrimage to Mobile.)

I remember our trips to Disney World as a child. Unlike some performers I never felt the impulse to one day work there. Because in my totally-buying-in-hook-line-and-sinker mind no one there was at work. They were princesses and dancers who lived in the magical place. There was only 1 Mickey Mouse and he was the boss and AWESOME. So fast forward to Hil at 22. Free and dreamy. Why not move to Orlando with Katie where rent is free and a magical land is but a stone's throw away? Yes, please.

So my 6 months in Orlando were filled with my first professional theatre gig (not associated or attained through being a Liberty student), my first dip into the world outside of the Christian bubble and out of the Bible belt. I made friends who spoke Spanish as well as English. And found my belt. Alexis Kramer did magic on my vocal cords and opened up a new world of songs and sounds. I always knew the possibilities were there but I had never been taught what to do. Oh how even now I feel like I am capable of things that I know not of simply because I haven’t been taught them. (These things are not the splits or pirouettes though. Honey we know our limitations.)

Fast forward a year and a half later and I’m sitting at a Juan Valdez in Times Square with my friends Maura and Lacey. Lacey was one of my first friends in college. I was a lowly freshman in Concert Choir where snobbery ruled. I knew these people would want to be my friend if they’d notice I was there. But whatever, I was ready to get out and move on to the Chamber Singers anyway (the more elite, smaller group that got to perform more challenging music.) Anyway, Lacey was the sophomore who actually smiled at me and noticed I was there! When the choir traveled to Roanoke to sing with the symphony Lacey was my saving grace. A friend to laugh with and smile back at me (not unlike my friend Kara at Anthropologie in Soho—a lot of those girls had trouble finding the time to smile back at me at first too!) Anyway, Lacey had always dreamed of being a flight attendant and being beautiful and flying cross country all the time. Now its 2 years post graduation and she’s doing it! And she’s in New York for a day and meets Maura and I for coffee. Somehow we get to talking about how Lacey has never been to Disney. Wait, what WHAT?! You, Lacey?! You’re like, the epitome of Disney! Ya know in personality and looks or something. I tell her if she can hook me up with a flight I can hook her up with free days at Disney. Thus this trip was born.

So now I’m on my way to Orlando. US Airways doesn’t fly direct to Orlando so I’m in DC for an hour and a half. Feeling reflective as I oh, always do when I’m traveling and alone. (which I do most of the time.)

This week has been all work and auditions and trying to find sleep in between. Monday I had those 2 cruiseline auditions, had dinner with Mark and Bill in Astoria (I ate Thai food! And I liked it! I’m branching!) then went to Gerard’s to look at his apartment (a potential summer sublease) and go over callback music with him (who knew a noticeably wrong interval in “Someday My Prince Will Come” had been severely ingrained into my brain for the last 24 years? Oops. Good thing I had Gerard’s help!)

I have to stop in this moment and ask WHY THE HECK IS THERE A BIRD IN THE AIRPORT RIGHT NOW? ANNNDDD WHY DOES IT FEEL INCLINED TO BE FLAPPING AROUND NEAR ME? Don’t these birds sense my bad energy?!
Tuesday I had lunch in Bryant Park and so did some pigeons. Stupid, stupid pigeons. I guess they were hovering looking for dropped crumbs and such. And in my stupidity I dropped a chip and a pigeon pounced (Who doesn’t love that salty goodness? I can’t blame the pee-brained pigeon.) But he pounced too suddenly and threw me off and I gracefully succeeded to fall OUT of my chair. To the chagrin of the businessmen (and assorted extras) who stared at me accusingly when I stumbled up. “The pigeon startled me” I muttered at the important people. They didn’t buy it.

*A pigeon-phobia is not warmly received while dining in the park. Note taken.

Anyway.

Tuesday I had my audition for Beauty & the Beast (it went kinda meh. Whatever. To be awkwardly transparent I have no emotional attachment to that show. I actually have a bit of loathe. I don’t want to be a spoon. Sorry. [There are many shows in which I wouldn’t mind being hobo in the back {Les Mis! Ragtime! Wicked! Legally Blonde!} But not Beauty&theBeast.]) The callback for Disney went well I guess (you really alwaysnever know.) Then went straight to work then went to bed then went to auditions (didn’t get seen) then went to work then went to bed then went to auditions (didn’t get seen again) then went to work then went to bed then went to auditions today and DID get seen! I got to audition for the new Broadway revival of A Little Night Music and thanks to some encouraging coaching from my friend Hanley (who has been taking classes from the bigwigs) I think I found a better, more connected level of acting in my audition today than I have…ever. Not trying to be dramatic but yeah. Seriously.

That was a great way to finish off a really hard, exhausting full week. Now I’m going to enjoy seeing friends in Florida, going to the beach, sleeping, shopping (prudently), watching shows and taking Lacey to Disney World for the first time. Happy weekend to those of you who actually have “weekends” and “weekdays.” ☺

I’ll leave you with a little excerpt from Kristin Chenoweth’s memoir. I promised a snippet a while back. At this point Kristin has just lost a beauty pageant while in college. Her goal is to go to Miss America and compete so she can be on tv and get an agent. When she loses her acting coach gives her a bit of a pep talk.

“You nailed it, Kristi. But sometimes you nail it—sometimes you’re the best—and you still don’t get it. Whatever you do as a performer, you have to do it for the performance. You can’t do anything with the expectation of winning an award. It’s best if you learn that now.”

I got used to getting up in front of people, getting judged, getting rejected. And I discovered an untouchable kernel of confidence instilled in me by my mom when I was too little to know or care about any other point of view. You do your best out of respect for yourself, not to make someone else feel less, and when you know you’ve done well, no one can take that away from you. At an audition now, I never compare myself to other girls. It’s me and the character. Do we fit? Another girl’s performance doesn’t change the answer to that question.