Suicide and Beauty

My dear friend John is one of the most honest, inquisitive, feeling people I know. He wrote this:


Last semester in English class, I had argued that there was an element of beauty to be found in suicide. My friend Ashley and I had often joked that she had the "perfect suicide tub" in the "perfect suicide bathroom". Stark, cold, white, tile floors and walls. A vintage, white bathtub with clawed feet and a wrap-around curtain. All the scene needed was a trail of crimson red blood and a love story gone awry. Recently though, my romanticized views on suicide were confronted with the actual reality of suicide.

Last week, my 21 year old cousin, Joe, put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. His Dad, Joe Sr., found him in his bedroom when he returned home from work. He was so beside himself he couldn't speak for days. Last weekend, our family congregated in Philly for the funeral.

At the viewing hours, I "met" suicide. It was written on Joe Sr.'s face. He looked like a ghost. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his body shook a bit while he hugged the people who were quietly filing by. (What's to be said??) Suicide's overwhelmingly sad "presence" was palpable. One particularly moving moment was when my Uncle Tom, who has Down Syndrome, hugged his sister (my Aunt) and cried loudly. Even Tom, who is unable to think critically, could feel suicide for exactly what it was and is: ugly, unnatural and evil.

It was there, sitting in the chairs facing the casket during viewing hours, that my thoughts churned while tears fell: How can something be ugly unless there is a standard of Beauty? How can something be the unnatural and false unless there is a natural order and Truth? How can something be evil unless there is Good? So with no "evidence" other than my experience and feelings to consult, this modernist was startled to uncover the seeming necessity of absolutes or "objectiveness" in regards to Beauty, Truth and Goodness. I had considered these topics before, but never as absolutes. It was certainly an unexpected realization at an unlikely moment. I hurt for Joe Jr. I hurt for Joe Sr. I hurt for all the world in that moment. It all seemed so fucked up, backwards and fallen. I could see why Joe called bullshit on us humanoids blathering on about our sports and celebrities as if anything mattered when we're just distracting ourselves from the very obvious fact that EVERYTHING IS NOT ALRIGHT. From his perspective of no God, Joe's reasoning towards suicide is flawless and his resolve is admirable. We ought not cry, but applaud his success in stepping off the this carousel of absurdity. --But-- It is not the case that there is no God. I'd dare say it is clearly not the case. Turning to God brings life and order. Killing oneself brings the opposite.

Last year I argued passionately that beauty and goodness were subjective. I argued a lot of things that I've since recognized to be false. The fog continues to lift. At every turn, my wrong opinions are being righted and all is beginning to make sense in the world. God exists. Truth exists. Joy exists. Hope exists. Peace exists. Beauty most definitely exists. As the song that I linked at the top of this post questions, these things CAN be found. (Do you think you can find it? Do you think you can see it? Go ahead and scream it!) That song became an accidental theme song for the weekend. I listened to it over and over. My brother, Jeff, showed it to me and the words were hauntingly applicable. A lonely soul . . . questions of the heart . . . questions of fate . . . and the ultimate question: what do we need? We need God.

On Sunday, the day after the funeral, we were driving home when my Dad received a phone call from my Mom saying that Joe Sr. had just accepted Christ as his savior. Whaaat?! There was much rejoicing in the car. The contrast was profound: Joe Jr chose suicide and in doing so chose a wrong way, a lie and a death. Joe Sr chose Christ and in doing so chose the Way, the Truth and best of all: Life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWiJWLiSKro

The View

"If you do what's right God will show you what to do next." --Dad

It is 8:06 on Saturday night and I’m sitting on a plane flying somewhere over the east coast between Orlando, Florida and Baltimore, Maryland. I don’t really want to go to Baltimore but it was the only way I could get to Washington DC tonight. I’m meeting 4 of my best friends there to have a girls weekend. Leslie, who is one of the 6 most important people in my life, is there and I haven’t seen her since we graduated May of last year. I can’t adequately articulate how excited I am to see her. I missed the original flight I was going to take into DC tonight so I caught a flight (that left a full hour and a half late) that will take me to Baltimore where I’ll hop on a 10:45 train to DC. And I’m tired.

* * *

This past week my friend Patric and I have both been in Orlando. I planned this little excursion before I had even moved away in December. In November at the monthly open call for equity roles at Disney, one of the casting directors told me I would be a good fit for the High School Musical show. The show consists of highlights of the music from the 2nd movie. It’s upbeat, fun, pays well, and is an awesome opportunity to perform. Yes, I said “awesome.” Before I began taking voice lessons from Alexis Kramer I wouldn’t have dreamed of being cast in this show. The style sung is thoroughly pop with riffs and belting. But with a teacher who helped me to unlock things with my voice I never knew were possible came an assortment of new performing possibilities. Discovering untapped potential is one of the coolest things in the world. For reals. ☺

Yesterday, specific auditions were held at Disney to fill roles in the show. Presently they’re looking for immediate replacements. The show consists of 1 girl and 2 guy singers who host/star in the show. About 15 character performers fill the rest of the show—what you might call “Ensemble” and serve as dancers. What they do is similar to what I did in the summer of 2006 in “Fixin 2 Rain.” Lots of movement and lots of lip synching. Fun—but not my passion. If you keep up with me in real life, you know that in just a couple weeks I’m going to fulfill a contract I signed almost a year ago with Mill Mountain Theatre in Roanoke, VA. (Google it.) So, even if they were to offer me a contract right now (which could be) I couldn’t take it. In my contract with Mill Mountain I agreed to give them one month’s notice to fill my spot on the Mill Mountain Players. And even if it wasn’t in the contract, it’s just common courtesy. Why would I want to put them up a creek like that? It’s not a nice thing to do. I do know however, that casting directors at Disney have brains and memory. So why not knock their socks off and reappear at auditions next summer or fall with 4 more professional credits under my belt and 5 months of performing experience? I have a friend who auditioned last year in January and left Orlando for an out of town contract and received a call in May to begin rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast in June. I think I left them with a good memory of me. Mission. Accomplished.

To make the trip back to Orlando to audition more practical I decided to go back to job-o-loathe I did twice a week over the summer at then-MGM now “Disney’s Hollywood Studios” (though nobody calls it that) selling Disney merchandise.

The first day I was back I had to trapse about the park with a tray of toys (how’s that for alliteration?) strapped to my shoulders. Picture the guy at the baseball game selling beer or hotdogs. Now make him have curly red hair, tip the scales at a buck fifteen, and unhappily lugging around toys that could cause an early onset of arthritis…or a slipped disc…something unfortunate.
At the very same time that I was forced to mill around MGM with the tourists and hope they would trade me money for the toys, the precise show that I came to audition for was being performed only yards away. I barely escaped seeing people I knew who were dancing in it. Nobody needs to see me in my demoralized “Yes, the Mickey spinner is $15. No I can’t swipe your credit card” state. It’s just not necessary.
I probably sound like I was hating my life selling toys when I saw people living my hopes and dreams only feet away. And yes, I certainly felt pangs of “Don’t I have a degree? And self-respect? And talent? WHY am I doing this?” But even in the nonsense and the embarrassment I was thoroughly inspired.

Wouldn’t it be cool to start off as the little red head toy pusher and end up the star of the show?

There’s something to be said for the humility that comes with doing things you don’t like. I’ve noticed in my own life that I have difficulty doing things I don’t like or things I don’t prefer. I don’t like to get out of bed when it’s cold. I don’t like to change my plans. I don’t like this kid whining and screaming 2 rows behind me…right now.

But can we really appreciate the joys and successes without previously experiencing the pain and embarrassing failures?

How much more deeply satisfying will godly unselfish love be in my life after experiencing the backlash of disappointment?

How much more satisfying is it that I will be in a nationally esteemed theatre’s performance of “Into the Woods” after the still palpable sting of not being cast in the LU production?

How much more will I value having the economic means to buy my own house and car and insurance after a year of adulthood where I was lucky to make rent?

We must go to the depths to wholly experience the heights. And recognizing that truth while in the depths is merely the beginning of the ascension. So bring on the embarrassing pitfalls. I know spring comes after winter. And I think I’m about ready for it. It’s cold in Tennessee!

Things Learned in 2007

1. People can be blessed by you simply being an amazing roommate. Spring of 2007 I had the best roommate possible. Now don't get me wrong, I've had lots and lots and lots of roommates--many of which I would count as great friends but Dara Lyons rose above all in her ability to be an amazing roommate. Not only was she respectful of my things, my space, and every space we shared she was also extremely giving and unselfish. Any time she would cook she would be ready to share. She wrote me notes and left me small thoughtful gifts that she thought would brighten my day. She never kept a record of whose turn it was to clean the kitchen or take out the trash. If it needed doing and she was able to do it, she would. Her way of roommate-ing blessed me in a million ways. In Dara's life, actions really do speak louder than words. Her life truly speaks.
2. So many college or amateur performers are afraid of the "rejection" they fear they will experience in professional theatre. For the talented, this fear is completely unfounded. With a bigger pond comes more opportunity! In college each semester there are limited opportunities to perform--maybe 2 or 3 at the most. But in the real world, auditions and cast lists don't have near as much weight or importance because there is always another opportunity. There is always another audition. Actors have to be confident yet humble enough to handle rejection.
3. Lizards are EVERYWHERE in Florida. Who knew?
4. Leaving college isn't so bad. Facebook helps.
5. Asians leave fitting rooms a hot mess. I'm not trying to racial profile--but seriously. I worked at a high end retail store in Orlando, FL where I encountered international tourists on virtually a daily basis. Maybe in the far east they have different etiquette regarding dressing rooms. Here in the US it's NOT ok to try 25 items on and leave the $2000 worth of clothing in a pile on the floor. NOT ok.
6. British people are the nicest, most polite on earth. I've never encountered a rude brit. We could all take a cue from their people skills. Cheers!
7. Thick skin is an incredible asset gained from having to deal with ridiculous superiors.
8. I care about politics--when I feel like it makes a difference. Hooray for election years. And go Ron Paul. Donate!
9. I can get by on not much of an income, but $10 an hour is waayyyyy less than I thought it was.
10. If you think a guy might be gay, he really might be.
11. Having your script memorized before rehearsals begin is not only impressive, it's a necessity in displaying professionalism.
12. I would really like a job with 5 digits and benefits.
13. What you hear about people--when their reputations preceed them--may not be entirely true, but it's probably mostly true.
14. Nobody can or should tell you what you CAN'T do until your potential is TRULY tapped into.
15. Sometimes people will surprise you--but sometimes they won't.
16. The end is always the beginning of something else. And it may not be precisely what you were hoping for, but it's still most likely great--it's probably all in your perspective.
17. I don't buy in wholeheartedly to "The Secret" but I DO think people can sense if you're a "yes" person or a "no" person. "Yes" people are positive, optimistic, doers. They make things happen. "No" people always find a reason/excuse that something can't be done. They're watchers. Yes people experience more positive things in life. Everyone in life is either in the audience or on the stage. And everyone DESERVES to be on the stage of their own life! Hello! I've had so many people this year tell me how much they admire that I'm "making it happen" for myself. If I can, you can too!

So I'm auditioning for this show in January...the directors have asked for us to prepare a pop song...and the age of the character I'd be playing is about 17. Now, I don't own a vast array of pop teenager-y music but I had a little bit in the archives. I found a song that I feel encapsulates where I was at 17 and where I think most slightly naive, big dreaming, optimistic, bored, ready to go 17-year-olds are. It's kind of weird to not be that kid anymore...the one who has never gone through anything. I can jump right into a character who would say these words and feel these emotions because I was her at one point but I'm no longer her. Once you're on the other side of heartbreak, life experience, or tragedy even...you're not glad youre there. The pain is real. The confusion is real. And the reality that is as honest as a mirror shows you that you're way more imperfect, flawed, and vulnerable than you had thought or even hoped. But when you've never experienced anything that involves passion or adventure, you so desperately want to--and you're ready to count the cost. I'm not exactly back in that place again just yet. Maybe some day I will be. But here are the lyrics nonetheless:

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
and leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Sometimes the pain feels overwhelming.
Sometimes I feel like I just have to cry.
Sometimes the crying surprises me.
Sometimes I feel invincible.
Sometimes I feel optimistic.
Sometimes I feel like starting all over sounds daunting.
Sometimes I trust.
Sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I think “what could I have done differently?”
Sometimes I think “how could I have spared myself from this pain?”
Sometimes I am thankful.
Sometimes I have no regrets.
Sometimes I feel seasoned—like I’ve really seen a thing or two.
Sometimes I feel so innocent.
Sometimes I wish it had never happened.
Sometimes I think a broken heart is better than a cold heart.
Sometimes I know everything’s going to be totally fine—better than fine.
Sometimes I think it can only get better from here.
Sometimes I just want to feel how I feel.

I always said I really wanted to experience life. And I guess that’s exactly what life is. Feeling conflicted. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling ok. The pain is simply an aspect of the beauty. Maybe that’s really real life. Not having conclusions. Things not being so neat. That’s about as conclusive as I can get right now…

"Oh to be young again!"

It's been called to my attention that I haven't blogged in awhile. And thought i normally don't "blog on command" (or do much on command for that matter) I thought there would be someone somewhere who'd want to humor me and hear about the latest in the somewhat nomadic existence of a sort of actor/adult in the post-college strange stage of life that i'm in. Let's see...what's new...
Well, it seems I haven't written in the past 1-2 months because I've been tied up with something simply wonderful: MY FIRST PROFESSIONAL ACTING JOB! I must've gotten the offer right around the time that I wrote last but it either slipped my mind or wasn't applicable to the blog. I'm not sure. Either way, since around the 1st of September my miserable time working for the Mouse was replaced by the joys of singing, acting, and musical comedy-ing my way all over a stage. I can't tell you the joy that I experienced realizing I was (about halfway) paying my expenses by simply doing what I loved. And not only has it been fun for me to perform, it's been rewarding talking to the audience members after each performance. In our contracts the cast members agree to do "meet 'n greets" with the audience after each show. So many times during this run I had slow moving elderly people come up to me with smiles spread wide across their faces and say, "You absolutely made my day." "The show was a delight." "It was so wonderful to hear those songs again." "South Pacific is our favorite show and has been for 50 years!" "We met while we were serving during WWII. It was so special to see this show tonight." The sweet comments and warm gratitude filled my chest and watered my eyes many afternoons and nights over the past month. It really is why we do what we do. Not until moments like those am I reminded that all those silver-haired, achey looking people are just that--people. One afternoon a lady came up to me and said "You were so CUTE dancing across that stage! Oh to be young again!" Only her body has aged. In her mind she is just a spry and full of life as I am. I am reminded though that life is a one-time deal. I have to be consistently self-aware and live and love in the knowledge that I only get one. I'm only 22 once. I will be for about 6 more months. We have to ask ourselves questions like: When I'm older will I be satisfied with how I spent my early 20's? Is there anything i wish I could've done? Anywhere I wish I had gone? Anything I wish I hadn't done? Living fully in the present is both a challenge and a gift. I pray all our souls are satisfied with how we've spent our time.

Reflections on the after (college) life

Again, it’s been a long while since I’ve written so I’ve decided it’s time to flesh out my thoughts a bit and tell you what’s been going on in my life. First of all, not since I packed up and left Nashville to move 500 miles away to Virginia in 2003 have I experienced as much change as I have over the past 2 months. I’ve moved to a new city: Orlando, experienced life outside of a Christian school for the first time in my life, attended 12 auditions and callbacks for professional acting jobs, house sat a lake house, lived with my friend Rachel’s family for a month and a half, and moved into a huge house with 3 relative strangers that work with Josh at Disney. I’ve also not gone back to school in August for the first time ever and had to budget and pay for my own bills.
That’s a lot of changes.

And now, a few observations:

1. When it comes to money, having 1 solid full time job is a better situation than having multiple part time jobs. You always know exactly how much you’ll make which really lends itself to staying on top of things financially.

2. It’s kind of cute how much I thought moving into the real world and being around 90% non-Christians would be an easy adjustment. It’s not. For a committed Christian, (or maybe just me?) it’s infinitely easier to live out your faith when you’re surrounded by people who get it. Every day I pray and make attempts at being salt and light, but I don’t even know how much of an affect I’m having—if one at all. It’s strange too because I’m not growing close, personal relationships with people at work…so far there hasn’t been a vast array of opportunity for “heart to hearts.”

3. I think I’ve finally got my “worst job I ever had” story. On Monday and Thursday nights I work at MGM Studios selling merchandise for a show there called Fantasmic. If I’m lucky I get to stand at a stationary cart and sell the toys but if I’m not so lucky I have to strap on a tray full of light-up crap and walk up and down the aisles of the theatre. Ever so slightly demoralizing. On the up side there have been a few aspects of this job that have been beneficial. First, it supplies me with a free pass into Disney. And since my boyfriend is in every show/parade (practically) on the property, it’s great to be able to wander in and watch. Second, I work with a lot of international students and that’s really cool. Just last night I worked with a girl from Brazil, a guy from Cannes, France, a girl from Ireland and two girls from Shanghai. And third, and most importantly, every time I go to this job I despise, I’m re-inspired to work hard at what I love. Every hot and uncomfortable night of work makes me more and more sure that I will rock it out in my next audition, or have my music memorized before the first rehearsal, or apply to grad school early.

4. This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this summer: the more you audition the better you get at auditioning. And the better you get at auditioning the more likely you are to get a job. I know it sounds kind of obvious but truly with every audition I gained a better perspective of what casting directors were looking for and how to present the “total package” so to speak. Aspects that are very important? Picking the correct song for you and the show you’re auditioning for, being self-assured and friendly when you walk into the room, feeling positive and optimistic about your performance, dressing for success, and just being well-prepared. In addition, I’ve learned how much potential I have—if I explore it. The small tragedy about my college experience is that by the end of it I thought I had reached my talent’s potential. I thought that the talent I possessed was all I was capable of. I’ve learned in the post-college theatre world that performers are always learning new things, sharpening their skills, taking dance classes, getting more flexible, reading up on acting techniques, and studying voice. If I really focus and hone my skills who knows where I could be in 10 years.

5. Being a person who has always gone to school when August rolls around, it's hitting me hardcore to not be in classes right now. A little part of me does feel like I'm missing out, even though in large part I'm very, very, very glad I'm where I am. I think I left Liberty right when I should have. I think some people outgrow Liberty and stay there long after they should peace out. And for those of us who left right when we should have its kind of shocking thing to not be in Lynchburg come year 5. I know the longer I'm away the more I'll be used to it and feel like my life is really exactly where i am...

I’ve got to go to Anthropologie now so reflections are getting cut off here, but that’s probably the 5 main ones anyway. In other news, one great thing about not returning to college this week is that I get to go to Miami for the weekend with 2 of my best friends. Real life does have its perks—and for that matter, my life has its perks.

A Friendly Post-College Update

Hello hello and hellooooo

It's me Hil. You may think I've been living under a rock but alas, no, I've been living in a lake house.
Life has changed in a multiplicity of ways over the last month. I've moved from Lynchburg, VA to Orlando, FL--at least for the time being. The near future remains quite dubious as I don't know what state I'll be in residence at come July 1. At first I really enjoyed this whole "flying by the seat of my pants" thing but now I'm ready to get in a groove. As adventurous and random as I like to think of myself as, I am totally a girl of routine. Little known fact: I love lists. And this isn't a thing that came about once I was 21 and a junior in college. Nosiree. My mom (and this is embarassing) found a notebook full of lists dated 1996. That would've made me 11. 75% of me I think of as free-spirited and planner free. But who am i kidding? As much as I like the abnormal, I like to plan. I like to know what's up. I like to think of the big picture and know everything's gonna be just fine--or, even better than I expected.
So this whole Florida thing. You're probably wondering what I'm doing here. Why I'm here. What tricks I have up my sleeve. Well, here's the situation in a summarized fashion.
I came down to Florida shortly after graduation to audition for a job performing at Disney World. Most people don't know that height is very important at disney. (ie: you can't have a Minnie Mouse that's 5'8" and another that's 4'11") and as fate would have it according to Disney Entertainment I am 5 feet 3 and 1/2 inches. Which is great if you want to be normal. And completely generic. And the exact same height as a million other girls who are auditioning to work at Disney. They only need so many chip 'n dales and ariels. Which means that I am in the "character pool." Aka the waiting list. When (if) a job opens up within the next 6 months for someone who looks like me and dances like me they'll call me up. If not, I can audition again come November.
What you may not know is that there are 2 divisions of disney entertainment. One side is the character performing that you see in all the parades, autograph signing, and lip-synced shows. The other consists of Equity performers. These are performers who are considered professional singers and dancers. If you see a performer at Disney that is singing they are equity. Someone dancing in a show (and it looks rather complicated) would be equity as well. These people get paid better and can go on to attend equity auditions for broadway shows and national tours. For you non-theatrical people basically "Equity" is short for Actors Equity Association. It's a union that is a little bit difficult to get in to. You have to be a legitimate professional performer--having performed in about 50 weeks worth of work. The perks are that you get more respect, better auditions, better backstage treatment, and higher pay.
Ok anyway.
So, there are more auditions for Equity coming at Disney in the future. In July and August they'll be looking to cast lots more people for their Christmas shows. There's a chance (not a huge one) that I could get cast from that pool and that would be stellar. Then I'd really be doing what I loved loved loved.
But while Disney isn't coming through with the whole making my dreams come true thing, I'm auditioning other places as well. Sunday I'm going to audition at a professional theater in Nashville that is doing the show "Urinetown." The same theater is doing "Into the Woods" in October. Both of these shows I'd love to audition for. Also, in July there is an audition in Orlando for a repertory theater company here. And then later this fall there are theaters in Nashville and Orlando that are doing shows that I'd like to audition for.
In addition to all that, I've applied for an internship at a magazine for the fall and I'm considering applying for an internship with Harpo productions. At this point I'm just trying to knock on as many doors as possible until the right ones open! :)
Oh and if you didn't know, what makes this whole situation unusual is that I've signed an acting contract for Mill Mountain Theatre (www.millmountain.org) in Roanoke beginning February 2008-June 2008. So it's an interesting balancing act trying to figure out if I want to hop into a professional job in communications right now or if I just want to audition for shows while working retail or if I want to get an internship at a magazine. There's lots of choices, lots of opportunities, and lots of options. Right now I'm just trying to take some deep breaths and make the most of the opportunities given to me today! So I'm living at this lake house the rest of June. I'm going home to Nashville Saturday-Tuesday to audition at the Boiler Room Theatre. If all goes well there (and when I say well I mean ridiculously amazing) I'll be moving home later next week. If not I'll be locating a roommate and getting situated in Orlando for atleast another month.
I'm just tring to remember right now that there will come a time where I won't be able to be this random and carefree. I'm just trying to soak up the freedom and thrills of growing up right now. Life couldn't be better.

Today is Wednesday May 16th. It’s probably one of the most mixed feelings-filled days of my life. Today I finished my last final exam and my last paper for college. I’m really, truly done with college. Four years of work, 160 hours worth of college credits earned, and it’s all complete. I am officially equipped to go into the field of journalism. I have a bachelor’s of science. I am 22 and I’ve finished 17 years of consecutive school. But this week that should be so momentous, so exciting, so liberating, is also very, very sad. Dr. Falwell, our beloved chancellor, pastor, and leader died yesterday.
When I was a sophomore, Dr. Falwell fell ill and went into the hospital for a while. The campus was in shock and felt caught off guard. No one ever considered that our leader could be controlled by mortality. Sometimes at this great institution, we forget that the leaders, the amazing men and women who have made so many dreams into reality, are just as capable of being gone as anyone else.
Yesterday I had just finished my 11:00 final. It was my last journalism final which was an accomplishment in and of itself. It meant that I was really done with my major. My friends Leslie and Amanda and I went over to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch. We stayed near school because Amanda needed to head back to work in the Theater office after lunch and I needed to go watch a dvd of a live performance of “Kiss Me, Kate” to analyze for a performance critique for my Advanced Musical Theater class. We had just ordered our lunch when I got a call from Josh. The phone was on vibrate in my purse but for some reason I happen to open my purse in that moment. I don’t even know why. I answered it and Josh said, “What’s going on with Jer??” And I said, “What are you talking about?” Then he told me that Dr. Falwell had been found unconscious that morning in his office and that he had been rushed to the hospital. Josh, a former Liberty student, had seen it on CNN at his house in Florida. We then began to watch the story unfold on the big television screen on Fox News at BW3’s. “Jerry Falwell in gravely serious condition.” We saw some men in Liberty polo shirts who were on the phone so Amanda decided to ask them if they knew anything. “We’ve been told that Dr. Falwell passed away, but it hasn’t been confirmed.”
I was in shock.
We headed back to campus and as I walked into the Fine Arts building I got a text message from Josh: Dr. Falwell died. It just broke all over the news.
I had just seen Dr. Falwell 2 weeks before when he sat on the front row and watched a performance of “Thoroughly Modern Millie.” He had just told my friend Brad, who played the leading man, that Brad “ought to do that the rest of his life—that he had a gift.”
How could this man so full of life, so excited about the future, so involved, suddenly be gone?
We found out later that Dr. Falwell had just had breakfast with Dr. Godwin, our Executive Vice-President, at Bob Evans mere hours before he died.
I’ve been connected to a multitude of unexpected tragedies this semester. My professor from Focus on the Family Institute, Dr. Sheryl DeWitt died from cancer in April. My friend Jordan, who I’ve been in 2 shows with at Liberty lost her boyfriend Josiah in a motorcycle accident less than a month ago. The Virginia Tech shooting happened only an hour and a half away from here. My friend Lauren MaCauley’s mother Laurie has been battling cancer of the pancreas all semester. The cancer has so overtaken her body that Lauren moved up her fall wedding to the Friday before last, because she wanted to make sure her mother was a part of her wedding day.
My mom said to me today “I wonder what God wants to teach you through all this.” And I said, “Do you really think this is all about me?” She quickly said “Not all about you. But certainly God wants to teach you something through this, in addition to other people.”
I began to think about the brevity of life. And the enormous thought that for Believers being separate from your body on earth only means that you are with God. And how weighty and huge that is. I’m reminded that we can never get too comfortable here. Or relish too long in our temporal triumphs. But be ever ready for the surprise twist. Life never claimed to be predictable. We need to make choices that reflect our knowledge that life is short. For me, it is easy to be caught up in the excitement of graduating, of getting a professional acting job, of the possibilities of traveling, and romantic future, and growing up, and all the beautiful aspects of life. But the most beautiful, the aspect that we must daily focus on first is that life is all about God. We are meant to bring glory to Him. How we all do that, of course, is different and will be different. But we must live in the knowledge of the brevity of life and the purpose of life—and live accordingly.
So this weekend I’m going to graduate. I’m going to experience it to the fullest. Soaking in all the memories I possibly can. But I’m also going to know and reflect on the fact that in light of eternity that milestone is a small one. We are so blessed to be a part of God’s story—the symphony of the entire universe He holds in the palm of His hand. May we all live each day, in every moment, in every single breath to the fullest. Not only would that undoubtedly make Dr. Falwell proud, I think it makes our Creator proud too.

As much as I'm ready to be rid of Lynchburg and Biology and lots of homework...

I'm starting to think I will miss studying. I was just looking at my "Study Sounds" playlist on my itunes. And I suppose I won't need it for awhile. That's a little sad to me...

*a real update on life coming soon.

Hope Beyond Here

Tonight I went to the Chamber Singers spring concert. It was nothing short of heavenly. I worshipped more in that hour-long concert than I have in a church gathering in quite some time. In between each song someone in the choir read a verse (or verses) of scripture out loud that pertained to the lyrics in the song. The voices and sounds that resonated through Pate Chapel were more beautiful to my ears than anything I've heard in a very long time. It made me think, just as I was astounded and moved today by the sound of beautiful voices singing and the sound of scripture being read aloud, how much more will I be astounded by the sights and sounds of Heaven. For Believers...let us never grow comfortable here...it's not our home. With so great a loss of life in the past week...how can we not be sober and vigilant and reminded of the brevity of life.

Psalm 130
Out of the depths I call to You, Lord!
Lord, listen to my voice;
let Your ears be attentive to my cry for help.
Lord, if You considered sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with You there is forgiveness,
so that You may be revered.

I wait for the Lord; I wait,
and put my hope in His word,
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning--
more than watchmen for the morning.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord.
For there is is faithful love with the Lord,
and with Him is redemption in abundance.
And He will redeem Israel from all its sins.

Way too busy to sit here and reflect these days. So I've borrowed some reflections I completed while getting paid. I posted this on libertyu.com on Friday. Enjoy. :-)

Does Spring Break really start next week? Granted, the first half of this semester is a week shorter than normal (Spring Break doesn’t fall precisely midway this semester because Graduation is a week later than normal). But really, am I practically halfway through my final semester of college? Where has the time gone?? A lot of the time has gone to studying—which, I understand, is the primary purpose I am here…but I sure hope I don’t look back on my last semester of college and remember little besides trying to decipher Biology jargon or trackdown police officers for quotes for a story for Investigative Reporting. For me the single most lovely and rewarding thing about college has been the friendships made. Hands down. So why is it that my final semester the overachiever is beating the social butterfly in the arm wrestling match in my head? Is this me growing up? Finally becoming legitimately responsible? Or is it just facing the facts—if I don’t buckle down and do this work I will risk not graduating on time and waste tons of my parents money… Maybe a little of both. It’s been hitting me lately that in a couple months my life will radically change. I’m not trying to be overdramatic, I’m just trying to prepare myself. Since I arrived at college in 2003, I have grown acutely accustomed to being surrounded by hoards of peers—people in my stage of life, around my age. Soon, more than likely, I will be transported to a different environment. One where I will have much fewer social options. In other words—the majority of my hundreds of facebook friends will be hundreds of miles away. And Friday night will still come—and I won’t be tied up with 24 credit hours of class—and they won’t be there to hang out. It’s just gonna be weird, that’s all I’m saying. I know in the case of friends that have already graduated and moved on (God bless them and their courage to leave the bubble) one of the biggest adjustments to grown-up life is simply not having many friends their age to hang out with. Now granted, there is something wonderful about jumping back into the real world where there are senior adults, little waddling children, and teenagers (well, maybe I could do without the teenagers.) But I know for a lot of people, that adjustment can breed loneliness. So, is there some way to prepare for that? I dunno. Ok, enough reflection. This week has been busy in preparation for my 12-day getaway. I’m missing 4 days of class so I have had a lot of work-ahead stuff to do. I think I’m pretty on top of things. I just don’t exactly have a moment unplanned n the next 5 days. But I’m ok with that. A lot of times I work better under pressure. The trip to Charlotte last week was a lot of fun. Mel’s family was super hospitable letting me stay with them for a couple days. The audition went well though I don’t feel like it was my 100% best. My mom tells me that I’m consistently critical of my auditions, but I think it’s because only I really know how I did in comparison to my potential. I should hear (or not hear) something back by the end of March. I really have no idea what’s gonna happen. And, I’m ok with that. In other news, my brother-in-law got an acceptance letter in the mail these week from the PhD program at the University of Edinburgh! It’s pretty much his dream school. He likened it to me getting offered a role on Broadway. He and Ashli are very stoked. They’re gonna spend a week in Scotland during Spring Break exploring the city and talking with professors. A cool life indeed. Well, I gotta run…a busy day awaits. Have a great weekend!

On Life and Living

I think as my time in college steadiy comes to an end, I am daily becoming more thoughtful about it all. The turning of chapters. The growing up. The honest fact that life changes never reverse.

I ran across this fantastic blog by way of another friend's blog this morning:

http://dontoearth.blogspot.com/2007/01/it-bothers-me-that-i-have-to-go.html

This man is 93-years-old and writes regularly. He writes candidly and humanly. Reading about how he feels about coming to the end of his life really reminds me that we are all the same. We may be from different places, been born in different decades, but there is something very unifying about being a part of humanity. When authenticity comes out, so does relatability. Reading his thoughts on life makes me wonder what I will/would reflect on about my life when I am 93. I think the more interesting things I go and do and the more I invest in my family, the happier I will be. I don't want to regret not traveling. I don't want to regret not having that fourth child that I desperately though quietly longed for. I don't want to regret spending more time typing on my computer than investing in the people around me. I don't want to regret not communicating what I am passionate about, and voicing what is right. I pray that we all live fervently. I pray that we live the life we are meant to lead. I pray we live in love and peace and remain ever mindful of the brevity of it all.

Step #1 in the process of getting a real theater job is underway. Yesterday one of my dearest friends John, (who is obviously going on to a successful career in photography) took some headshots for me to use. When it comes to professional theater you always show up with at least two things: a resume and a headshot. The first of many auditions for me is happening in just a matter of weeks. I covet your prayers! I am counting on the Lord to open the doors that I'm supposed to walk through. Ah! This time of life is so exciting!

gpa's, snow, and 25 years of schooling.

After a long awaited grade change, I finally got my real GPA for last semester...

3.68!

Whoo!!!

This is my best gpa yet and I'm very excited.

If you haven't caught on, this is shameless, shameless self-promotion. (Good job Hil!)

By the way, it snowed in the burg last night so we have a beautiful blanket of white....what's not beautiful is that classes aren't cancelled...

An additional side note, I'm writing again for the school paper this semester and so far I have gotten published in both of this semester's editions. I am currently working on a profile of a really nice greek professor named Dr. Croteau. He went to school WITHOUT stopping from the time he was in highschool until he was 30. 30 years old. He never took time off. Can you believe that?

I love Jason Robert Brown

I wish normal people in the world would take the time to fall in love with music from musical theater. Here are some amazing lyrics by one of my favorite composers, Jason Robert Brown. These are from a show called "Songs for a New World." I get the pleasure of singing both of these songs this semester.

Opening: The New World

WOMAN 1:
A new world calls across the ocean
A new world calls across the sky
A new world whispers in the shadows
Time to fly, time to fly

MAN 2:
It's about one moment
The moment before it all becomes clear
And in that one moment
You start to believe there's nothing to fear
It's about one second
And just when you're on the verge of success
The sky starts to change
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
There's no explaining where you stand
And you didn't know
That you sometimes have to go
‘Round an unexpected bend
And the road will end
In a new world

WOMAN 1:
A new world calls for me to follow
A new world waits for my reply
A new world holds me to a promise
Standing by, standing by

WOMAN 2:
It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world

MAN 1:
You have a house in the hills

WOMAN 2:
You have a job on the coast

MAN 2:
You find a lover you're sure you believe in

MAN 1:
You've got a pool in the back

WOMAN 2:
You get to the part of your life

MAN 2:
You hold the ring in your hand

MAN 1:
But then the earthquake hits

WOMAN 2:
And the bank closes in

MAN 2:
Then you realize you didn't know anything

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
Nobody told you the best way to steer
When the wind starts to blow

MAN 1:
And you're suddenly a stranger

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, & MAN 2:
All of a sudden

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
You life is different than you planned

MAN 1:
And you'll have to stay ‘til you somehow find a way

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
To be sure of what will be
Then you might be free

WOMAN 1:
A new world crashes down like thunder
A new world charging through the air

WOMAN 1 & MAN 1:
A new world just beyond the mountain

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, & MAN 1:
Waiting there, waiting there

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
A new world shattering the silence
There's a new world I'm afraid to see
A new world louder every moment
Come to me, come to me!


I'd Give It All for You
MAN 2:
I had a house while you were gone
The week after you left me
I found a couple acres
Near Severna Park
I had a house while you were gone
A house with silver shutters
And a driveway laid in marble
And thousands of rooms to fill
And miles of space to fly
And I tried to believe it,
It was better without you
I was safer alone

No, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it all to hold you again
To feel I'm completed
To know there and then
That all that I needed
Was you to fight the fear
And now you're here...

WOMAN 1:
I took a trip while I was gone
I cashed in all my savings
And bought an El Dorado
Drove to Tennessee
I took a trip while I was gone
I drove across the country
And I stopped at lots of diners
And stared at a million stars
And thought I could touch the sky
And I tried to believe it,
It was better without you
I was finally free

No, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it ‘cause the mountains I climb
Get higher and higher
I'm running from time
And walking through fire
And dreams just don't come true
But now there's you...

MAN 2:
God knows it's easy to hide,
Easy to hide from the things that you feel
And harder to blindly trust
What you can't understand

WOMAN 1:
God knows it's easy to run,
Easy to run from the people you love
And harder to stand and fight
For the things you believe

MAN 2 & WOMAN 1:
Nothing about us was perfect or clear
But when paradise calls me
I'd rather be here
There's something between us
That nobody else needs to see

WOMAN 1:
There were oceans to cross

MAN 2:
There were mountains to conquer

WOMAN 1:
And I stood on the shore

MAN 2:
And I stood on the cliff

MAN 2 & WOMAN 1:
And the second before I jumped
I knew where I needed to be

Oh, I gave it all for you
I gave it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I gave it all for you
I gave it ‘cause it's harder to touch
The things that are dearer
I love you too much
To trust something clearer
I know I fell too far
But here you are...

On Authenticity and Love

So, this is the part where I have something cool and/or thought-provoking to share but I have to preface it by admitting something slightly embarrassing.

I get email devotions.

Having said that, the one that I got this morning had alot to do with some thoughts that have been going through my head since the end of the semester and throughout Christmas break. Here is what I received in my email:

The apostle Paul wrote, "Though I give my body to be burned but have not love, it profits me nothing." He says that our sacrifices have no spiritual significance if they're not motivated by love.
Let me offer a modern paraphrase:
"Though I keep a spotless house and though I'm faithful in church attendance and though I work in the church nursery every other Sunday and though I lead a Bible study or teach a Sunday school class and though I home school my kids, and all that that requires, if I do it without love, I am nothing. And if I make enormous sacrifices for my family but do it out of a sense of obligation or a desire to impress rather than love, it's worth nothing."
Do you want your life to count for something? Ask God to fill you with His love.

This thought lined right up with my thoughts, not because I have been doing all these acts of service for the Lord out of a sense of obligation, or even that I've been doing all that much (my car is clean. my room is not. :), but something that I've been mulling over since I've been home can be summed up in one word: authenticity.

For some people I think being authentic is very, very challenging. Perhaps it's because they have problems with trusting others, they've been hurt or disappointed after they've been real with someone. For others, they are too insecure and are worried about being accepted by others, so they wear a mask of inauthenticity. For others maybe they are just shallow...I don't know.

But something that I've found to be integral in my close relationships is one thing: being real. I was talking with a friend the other day and she was saying that one of my closest friendships is pretty unlikely. And I said, "why? because i'm a girl and he's a guy and it's always been platonic?" And she said, "No, because you're a preacher's daughter who hasn't necessarily made huge mistakes in life, and he's--well, definitely not."
After thinking about it, I realized that my most valued friendships aren't necessarily the ones with people who have it "all together." My most valued relationships are with people who don't give a crap. They're just real. And I love that. Of course, there are characteristics in friends that I look for and am drawn towards. I love talented people. I love passionate people. I love hilarious people. But above alllll of that, I want to surround myself with people who are authentic. Real. Incapable of being fake just to impress someone or to keep a status quo.

I know people who have "spiritual" personas. They lead Bible studies, frequent church services, carry their Bibles. But the thing is, there are people they refuse to love. Refuse to minister to. Refuse to even be around. How is this love? Is love conditional? I just don't see how you can be authentically used by God but refuse to love some people. Based on choices they've made or whatever.

So, something that I'm striving to do, especially this last semester, is to be authentic and to love. Love the girls who've betrayed me and lied to me. Love the boys who struggle with porn or homosexuality. Love people and be real with them.

When it comes down to it...as Christians...isn't that the basics, anyway?

The never ending story

"Nothing Better"
(by the Postal Service)

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...Oh, oh
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

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Falling Back in Love with the Nash

If you weren't ready to move to Nashville just yet, this may change your mind.

Nashville is cool.

Cool enough to live in.

Where have I been?

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Now and then I post a blog on here that I've taken from my blog for libertyu. This is one such time. Enjoy.

Happy (belated) Christmas!
Since I’ve last written I have been enjoying a wonderful, glorious, restful, pampered, happy, sleep-filled week at home.
Remind me why I even go to school again?
Anyway.
The last week or so has been great.
Today is the day after Christmas and things are c-r-a-z-y around my house.
“Why” you ask?
“Wedding” I answer.
My sister is getting married this Sunday—aka New Years—aka 5 days from now.

My sister.

The one I’ve known since birth.

The one that is two years older than me.

Virtually every memory from my childhood includes her.

And now she’s getting married. And this isn’t like other life changes we’ve gone through. Because going off to college, off to grad school, away for the summer, etc, always guarantees coming back. At least we’ll still have a normal Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or whatever.
Whenever we come home Ashli and I share the same bathroom. Our parents were smart and bought a house back when I was about 11 that had separate vanities (sinks, mirrors, cabinets) but an adjacent bathroom (shower, tub, etc). We’ve shared a bathroom for as long as I can remember. And the next time we all come home she’ll be staying in the guestroom with her husband across the house.
Weird.
Completely weird.

But obviously I should mention that all of this is good stuff. My dad has always said that when you have babies you never want them to grow up, but if they really stayed babies forever that would be tragic.

I suppose if we always lived with my parents and stayed in college and never got our own jobs and grew up and paid bills and got married and had our own kids—that would be tragic too.

So as bittersweet as our last Christmas with just us 4 was, I’m happy about change. My sister is getting married. She’s found someone she wants to hang out with everyday for the rest of her life. That’s pretty sweet. This May 19th, the day I am graduating from undergrad, she is graduating from law school, and Matt (her almost-husband) will be graduating with a Master’s. And then who knows where they’ll go. They’ve talked about coming back to Nashville, but they’ve also talked about going to Edinburgh. It depends on where Matt decides to go to get his PhD.

The whole growing up thing truly sneaks up on you, doesn’t it? One day you’re sitting in your senior economics 4th period class. And the next day high school is over. You’ll never have to battle that blasted 7:30 traffic again. And it’s not like it’s just over for a little while. You’ll never, ever, ever, go back to life like that. But then you meet college. And college is great. I mean GREAT. And you wonder why you ever even flinched and were sad about high school ending for a second. Life has continued to get better and better. And then you graduate college. And this is the first part of life that you’re experiencing that you’ve never really pictured ahead of time. It’s weird. You pictured high school ending. You pictured college. You pictured getting married. Maybe having kids…but you never pictured the part where you graduate college and you begin to have choices to make. Should you go to grad school? Should you go now or later? Where should you move? Should you travel? When are you going to meet someone worth marrying? Will you meet someone worth marrying? Should you move back in with your parents to save money? Or would that just be embarrassing? Will life after college actually be better? Or will you long for the days of freedom without responsibility? So far life has continually gotten better. But will that continue? Will it?

There’s all kinds of questions. Those that you ask yourself out loud. That other people ask you. And that your soul asks in the quietest, quietest part of you.
And they all deserve to be listened to. And thought about. And reasoned over. And then given to the Lord. For only “He knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future.”

So for me right now, life is one big—slow and fast—time of change. And I’m choosing to embrace it. Embrace it with faith that the Lord’s perfect will, will be done in the lives of those that are called according to His purpose. Remember that song that maybe you sang at church when you were a little thing? I was reminded of it a few days ago and it’s hope rings in my heart…

“He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it, faithful to complete it, faithful to complete it in you.”

Merry Christmas and have a Happy, Happy New Year.

What I Love...

This past week we had finals in all of our classes.
For my musical theater class our finals were performing.

Call it shameless self-promotion, or just showing you me doing what i love to do...but here's a video of my performance.

I also included two other great performances by friends of mine. Leslie is performing "Popular" from Wicked and Ashley is performing "I'm Not Afraid" from Songs For a New World. My song is considered a dramatic ballad, Leslie's is comedic, and Ashley's is contemporary. It's all probably a bit more technical than you realized...enjoy!

"Not A Day Goes By"
from Merrily We Roll Along

"Popular"
from Wicked

"I'm Not Afraid"
from Songs for a New World

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

Today cast lists were posted for yet another batch of shows here at Liberty. And I received a timely and thought-provoking bit of wisdom in my inbox:

Proud vs. Humble - Recognition

Proud people crave self-advancement.
"I've got to word this report in a way that sets me apart from the pack."

But humble people desire to promote others.
"How can I word this so that everybody gets the credit they deserve?"

Proud people feel wounded when others are promoted and they're overlooked.
"Why would they put her in charge?"

Humble people are excited when others are lifted up.
"Congratulations! Let me know how I can help."

Proud people are elated by praise and deflated by criticism.
"He's always shooting my ideas down!"

Humble people know that any praise for their accomplishments belongs to the Lord.
"It's just by God's grace."

What does recognition—or the lack of it—reveal about the condition of your heart?

"Jerks make the world go round."

It was suggested to me by a friend to explore the topic of heartbreakers in a blog. My friend didn’t use the word “heartbreaker” but she certainly could have. She suggested it to me b/c she experienced the painful and confusing brunt of a former boyfriend “opening up to her” and telling her he still thinks about her all day long but doesn’t pursue her because he’s a commitment phobe.

Her statement to me: “My heart can’t handle it.”

My question is: how does him confessing that to her benefit anyone?

One common theme that I’ve seen in my friends’ relationships throughout college is the-relationship-that-just-won’t-let-go. The guy who is best friends with a girl, gets her hopes up, then promptly dates someone else leaving her in the dust, but coming back every now and then to string her along and get her worked up again…or the guy who pursues, but then let’s things go indefinitely unspoken, never solidifying any commitment…or the guy who breaks up with the girl only to turn around and act like nothing has changed in their “relationship.”
I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of it: feeling so inclined to say that one certain thing to get the rejected party’s hopes back up (however true it may feel in that moment), only inside knowing you will never give him/her what he/she is hoping for.
It’s selfish.
It’s very, very selfish.
It’s putting one’s own ego ahead of someone else’s heart. And it’s not right. I see this a lot in the male sex, but I know girls do it too. I know I’ve done it.
And that’s pretty shameful.
So all I’m saying is, sometimes saying less is more.
Instead of saying you care about someone, or that you were thinking about them, show them love by putting their needs above your own.
I really do try to refrain from using my blog as a soapbox but this was one that was worth stepping up, whatever ridicule it may elicit.

So I want to encourage you:
Take a step back and ask yourself if the words you are dying to say to that person (to elicit some sort of comforting, ego-stroking response) will benefit them in any way—or if it might just stir up hopes, desires, and feelings in them that you have no intention of fulfilling.
So let’s all do the right thing—let’s put others ahead of ourselves.

“Love is patient; love is kind…love is not selfish.” –1 Corinthians 13.4b-5a

"We should pray when we are in a praying mood, for it would be sinful to neglect so fair an opportunity. We should pray when we are not in the proper mood, for it would be dangerous to remain in so unhealthy a condition." --Charles Spurgeon

In other news, I threw a bridal shower for my friend Kristin last night and it went really well! It was so fun throwing a little party. I should do more of that in the future. Also, I am officially done with my 7th semester of college one week from Friday. Home. Stretch. And of course the reason why I'm writing right now is because I'm really working on a paper and I'm procrastinating. But I thought that was a great quote and worth sharing. Alright...back to the grindstone...

Elizabeth Elliot On Loneliness

I'm not sure if I've posted this before or not, but I came across it again today. Didn't know if someone might read this who needs it. I think we could all benefit from this reminder from time to time.

Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste to your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge.
Remember that you are not alone. “The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee neither forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage.” (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, “Lo, I am with you always.” (Matt.28:20) Nevermind if you cannot feel His presence. HE is there, never for one moment forgetting you.
Give thanks. In times of my greatest loneliness I have been lifted up by the promise of II Corinthians 4:17-18, “For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.” This is something to thank God for. This loneliness itself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory.
Refuse self-pity. Refuse it absolutely. It is a deadly thing with power to destroy you. Turn your thoughts to Christ who has already carried your griefs and sorrows.
Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last.
Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it for the good of others.
Do something for somebody else. No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God’s peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy.

It's getting about time...

The closer I get to graduating from college the more I have this deep need/desire/hunger/longing to do certain things. Among them:



TRAVEL.

I really, really need to walk the streets of London and Paris, and eventually South Africa. I can settle with Europe as a start. I watch the travel channel and can’t believe I’ve never seen these places with my own eyes. It’s getting about time to go…



PERFORM—PROFESSIONALLY. (OR ATLEAST SHOW UP AT SOME AUDITIONS.)

I’m really ready to see if I have what it takes to perform in musicals and see if anyone is willing to pay me to do it. I’m not sure if they will…since I’ve never tried, how would I know? But I do know that the judges at VTA see some kind of casting potential…and I got callbacks from 8 companies last year at SETC…and I feel like I’ve honed my skills a great deal over the last year…ah! I want to try! It’s getting about time to try…



HAVE A FAMILY.

Ok, ok, this is more on the backburner, since it is #3 on the list and all. But I do so desperately want to be a mom. I know that may sound trite…but there are so many aspects of life that will be deeply fulfilling when I’m a wife and a mother. I know in committing to marriage and parenthood I’ll be giving up a lot of freedom but It’s getting about time to begin thinking like someone less selfish…




READ AND WRITE WHAT I WANT.

The more I do journalism/public relations style writing the more I like it. But I am so excited for the day when these are no longer homework assignments. What will I write when I no longer get a grade for it? And will someone want to hire me because they like the way I write? Who can say. It’s about time to see…








And, do all these for the glory of God, where true fulfillment abounds.

snapshots from fall of senior year

In "Parade" I played a 13-year-old girl working in a pencil factory in the early 20th century. We tried to make this picture look period...

We visited the pumpkin patch a few weeks ago and picked out our very own harvest decoration. It was so fun! I did have a little buyers remorse though...I picked my pumpkin out FAST...but I still love it. I'm loyal.

Leslie and I decided to hike Peaks of Otter a few weeks ago. It was the perfect weekend to go as the leaves had turned but not fallen. Just gorgeous.

Halloween '06. This was the 2nd party we went to. Most of these friends I met while working in the theater in Pigeon Forge this summer. They are great great great. 

If someone had written me as a character...

Up until recently I was never the kind of reader who compared her heroines to herself. This was until a friend of mine told me I was the 3-D version of one character, Elizabeth Bennett, from Pride and Prejudice. He was so confident in his analysis that I felt a great need to read the book. I was flattered, on the whole, that he thought I had the personality and social skills of Elizabeth. In the novel she’s not perfect but she’s well-spoken, convictional, funny, and smart.
I’ll take that.
But after reading the rest of Austen’s lovely novels I have come to decide that I am not a carbon copy of Elizabeth. Unfortunately (I suppose that adverb is debatable) I found that I identified with Emma in some ways as well. So, ideally, I would like to think that I’m 99% Elizabeth, but I think its more like 60% Elizabeth and 40% Emma--with a smattering of Carrie Bradshaw mixed in--the TBS version of course.

this is me...blogging...i know, right?

Today was a great day. One of those days where you realize you have a lot of time to get things done and instead of getting comfortable on the couch, remote in hand, you actually do make use of your time. You crank out the paper. You finish the novel. Etc. Etc.

Today was that blessed day for me. :-)

I slept in and put on a pot of coffee. It’s a good start to a day already. I knew I needed to at least begin on my paper that is due tomorrow at 5 pm. I purposed in my heart to at least write some of it. This afternoon I busted out three pages of it, and promptly finished the second half after I got home from AWANA tonight. I did no hanging out today. Sometimes I forget that I like days when I don’t hang out.

I really love community. I love friendship. I love spending time doing nothing with people. I love connecting, bouncing ideas and thoughts off of other people.

But sometimes you just need to be alone and get stuff done.

And when it’s done…it feels great.

Not that I by any stretch got everything done this week that I need to. I sure didn’t. I have to write the first six pages of a play by Thursday. I have only begun to tip the iceburg of the research I want to do in preparation. I’m not even sure if I’m a good enough writer to give the voice to this story that it deserves. So part of me is trying to ignore the fact that I need to work on it. It’s kinda overwhelming.

This is the first week of my semester that is rehearsal-free. Not that I’m done with theater for the semester. I’m in two theater classes, working on an audition for the Virginia theater association, and I still have seven performances of “Parade” left. But when you take out rehearsals from the mix it really does free up some time. And that I can be grateful for.

My friend asked me tonight what I’m gonna do with that time. My answer: make good grades, branch out, read, pass some clep tests, write a great (hopefully) play, put together a quality audition, and think and pray about what God wants me to do when I run out of Liberty. He also asked me if I’ve mentally “checked out” from Liberty yet. Since I know I’m going to be gone soon/eventually whatever…and I said you know, yeah I think in a way I’ve begun that process.

That’s so weird.

I wrote a cover letter for a resume today. I wrote it as if I was sending it to Playbill magazine. I think if I was a writer for Playbill…well, that might be the equivalent of a dream job…blending writing and broadway…wowwie…

Life for people in their 20’s, especially early 20’s can be a bit of a conundrum. And I’ve begun to appreciate that. It’s hard to plan for a life that is slightly out of your control. Especially if you’re a girl, you know? Like I know there has to be girls out there that would love to plan the next five years of their lives, and include marriage in there, but the truth is its really out of their hands. Like my parents, they can virtually plan the next five years of their lives. So could say a highschool Junior. But those of us in that stage where you’re leaving college and heading towards adulthood and wanting adulthood to eventually mean a family, but not in the near future…well, that just means you’re at the tricky stage. And some day we’ll all look back on it and smile. And for me, I’m already smiling. I bet God thinks its cute when he sees all these twenty somethings subconsciously frantically looking around for a life’s witness. He’s like, kid, I know how the story goes…why are you freaking out? And then the kid stops (even if it is momentarily, and sometimes it is) and says: oh yeah…You do. I preesh that.

Prudence

I have not made blogging a priority lately as I've been getting back into the swing of things at school. I do tend to be reminded of this thing when I come across something in my reading that is just put really well, so here I am. I was just reading an article handed to me by my economics professor entitled "Whatever Happened to Prudence?" The parts I like best are the following:

"Prudence is a cognitive orientation to the personal future, a form of practical reasoning and self-management that helps to achieve the individual’s long-term goals effectively. Prudent individuals show a farsighted and deliberate concern for the consequences of their actions and decisions, successfully resisting impulses and other choices that satisfy shorter term goals at the expense of longer term ones.

Enjoying life’s staples—marriage, careers, raising children, enriching the spirit, keeping healthy and enjoying life—requires planning. Prudence is unattractive tabloid fare, but it quietly leads to a lifetime of happiness."

The article was a telling reminder of how to go about getting that which we really want in life. For me personally, those “staples of life” listed are eons more important and desirable than the momentary payoffs of ditching responsibilities in college. A few weeks ago I read an article written by a psychologist. She said that whenever she is facing a dilemma she asks herself 3 questions: What will be the effects of this in 10 days? What will be the effects of this in 10 months? What will be the effects of this in 10 years? The writer pointed out that for every decision the answer to the 10 year question might not be the crucial answer you need, but in most cases, you realize that your choices may or may not affect your life for the long haul, and we should act accordingly. Just food for thought…ok, back to studying. :-)

What I was just thinkin about...

Passions Change.

This isn’t a question. This is a boldface statement. I think some people are of the mind that if one is passionate about something, perhaps an interest, a hobby, a cause, or a person, then they must be passionate for life.

Today I have had multiple encounters that beg to voice the opposite opinion. I was reading (don’t. judge.) Dr. Phil’s advice column in Oprah’s magazine. A parent was attempting to get the Doc to sympathize with her, as her daughter was "wasting away" her college years, deciding to transfer to a state school near her boyfriend, and not taking up the prestigious liberal arts school on their offer of a music scholarship. The mom said ‘I just don’t want her to give up her dreams' (one might replace the word ‘dreams’ for ‘passions’). Dr. Phil, not-so-tactfully-of-course, told the mom that these were obviously not her daughters dreams anymore. Her dreams had changed. And mom needed to accept that.

Later today, well I guess it was tonight, I was talking on the phone to a friend who had watched an amazing drum corp do their thing. Once upon a time this would have lit his fire. He appreciated the talent when he watched it tonight. But he realized something. The passion was gone.

How can such an honest thing as PASSION change?

I think about myself. Who I was one year ago. What my passions were. What(who) I was passionate about.

Things are different now.

Maybe not earth-shatteringly different. But CERTAINLY different. UNDENIABLY different.

Once when my friend was leaving for college and I was beginning my senior year of high school I was sort of crying a little and pouting about change. I wasn’t ready for my friend to go. She was one of the few logical people left in my tiny world called highschool. And my friend Shaunna told me the wisest, truest thing that I’ll never forget…that I always come back to…

Life is a series of seasons. Life is full of seasons. God loves seasons. He thrives on change! If there was no winter there’d be no spring….if there was no summer there’d be no fall…

In life we grow. We change. We become passionate about things. Our passions change. Grow. Deepen. Take different shapes.

I guess at the core, the thing I desire to always be passionate about is my relationship with Jesus. Everything else hinges on that pretty much. (can I use a flippant tone to communicate how intensely serious I am? That may not work on a keyboard…)

My passions, and feelings, and desires, and growth, are all somewhat in my control, and of course somewhat out of my control. But the one thing I know above all life experiences, above all feelings and emotions, above all circumstances, is that my soul is at peace with God. My life is in his hands. And I am more grateful for that than I could ever really communicate.

I was reminded of these lyrics I heard for the first time on a Ginny Owens album yeeaaarrsss ago (back when I listened to Christian music). The song is much older than that. And the lyrics are more profound than any I’ve heard in quite some time…

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain
Be still, my soul: Your best, Your heavenly friend
Through stormy ways leads to a joyful end.

One of My Favorite Things

Have you ever finished a catch-up (or any type) conversation with a friend on the phone, only to have your spirits lifted, like a feeling of happiness transported itself from friend on the other end of the phone through the tricky phone line and airwaves (or whatever...) into your own soul?
That was totally me last night.

I talked to my friend Aaron last night (see link ‘aaron bennett’ over there….) and we talked about all kinds of stuff. Friends, relationships, futures, figuring things out, past experiences, dreams…etc etc.

And when I hung up the phone, I just felt better about life. Better about everything. It’s so great to hang out with (or talk to) those friends that sharpen your lenses of clarity a bit more. People who are seeking after Jesus, and really living by faith in Him. Aaron also pointed out to me that in regards to me in a relationship there are two key elements that can’t be missing: I have to be challenged, and he’s got to make me laugh. One without the other just won’t work.

I really thank God for friendships like Aaron’s. I want to be purposeful in investing in those this year at school. Since it’s feasibly my last at Liberty…I guess this is me making it a point to have a real conversation (at least one, heh) with each person that I spend any length of social time with regularly. I’m not making up a rule for myself or anything…just a beneficial idea…

I have some rules though that I think I’m gonna perhaps lay to rest awhile. These are just personal rules…not black-and-white straight from Exodus type rules. I think I’m gonna experiment with going-with-my-gut and living freely. Or something…That’s inspired by Aaron too…and a tree.

Indeed...

"All a book really amounts to is a vicarious brain meeting with someone of more experience and knowledge." --John Carl

ready....go.

I'm excited!

In a week and 2 days I will depart for a fun-filled weekend visiting my friend Leslie in Washington D.C.
I'm flying in to Baltimore and taking the train to Union Station, only blocks from Leslie's sister's apartment (cool location, eh?)
Leslie is interning in Senator McConnell's (repub from kentuck :) office and is going to take me on a tour of the capitol!
A little 4 day excursion never hurt anybody...
Especially when you get to stay somewhere for free and you get a cheap flight through southwest. :-)

I also just found out today that my fam is going to take a cruise in August to Mexico!
Ashli's fiance is going.
Which means that we Sutton's will officially never ever vacation, just us, again.
That's kind of dramatic, don't you think?
I guess most every family goes through it...

This has been a great summer. And shall end greatly.

I'm sitting in Panera right now b/c of the free wireless. I just met Bonnie for lunch at another restaurant here and she brought the 18 month old Olivia kid she is nannying for all summer with us. Our waiter treated us different cause I think he thought Bonnie was a mom...even though she was wearing a pink chi-omega t-shirt...

A cute stranger just smiled at me.

Last night I cleaned out my closet of all dated, unworn, or wrong size clothes. I have piles and piles of clothes that I'm gonna take to plato's closet. I'll let you know how much money I get from there.

My friend Chad is coming through town later this week b/c he's moving from Lynchburg back home to Abilene, TX, and I guess Nashville exists somewhere along his route. I know it's really a normal/healthy thing for people to graduate and move elsewhere...but its still weird to be the person still at school...I have a list of friends who won't be there when I get back in the fall:
1. Chad
2. Patric
3. Josh and Jenn
4. Hannah
5. Kristin

And those are just like, my really close friends that are gonna be gone for the first time...weird...

Ok, random thoughts done. As is this post.

So you really wanna know?

Hello. It's me again. I know I know, it's been a hot minute--a long time since I've written. My life the past 9 weeks has not really been conducive to periodic updates. But lucky for us all, I am back in Nashville for the next month or so. So I shall now fill the world in on the happenings of one unexpected summer in pigeon forge, tennessee. Chronologically in summary form it goes like this:
May 14th: Mother’s Day. I arrived at Pigeon Forge. Watched a performance of Fixin 2 Rain. Felt slightly mind-boggling that soon I would be expected to have the show memorized.
May 24th: Opened Fixin 2 Rain. Performance #1. Teared up a little during the finale because I really felt I had accomplished something. 10 days of 9 hour a day rehearsals left me tired. Especially when I got assigned the task of not only being a performer but also being the tech assistant to the guy in the bear costume and operating the remote control mouth. Had finally gotten over not getting to be in 3 numbers because I was the bear mouth girl. Had survived learning the show and actually came out with a good attitude about it. Whoot.
June 5th: My boyfriend and I decided to stop dating. We both happen to be in the show in Pigeon Forge. 6 more weeks. How Lord? What are You doing? I don’t get it.
June 9th: Go home to Nashville to sing at my friend Britney’s wedding. Contemplate staying. Don’t understand why it would be beneficial to come back to Pigeon Forge. After a conversation with Hannah, one with my mom, and one with God, I feel certain I am to go back.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same thing.
Somewhere around 2 or 3 weeks after that: Things are looking up. Beginning to remember and claim the promises of God. Remembering that in order to be dependent on the Father there has to be hard things. Thanking God for the hard things. Thanking God for a promising future. My friend Joel tells me about how God answered his prayer to get money for school. I begin humbly realizing the magnitude of God and how I am stupid to forget how provisional He is. I start praying in faith, and believing God.
(Still) Somewhere around 2 or 3 weeks after that: Moved from the Annex (ghetto old motel) to the cabins out in the Smoky Mountains. Thanking the Lord for amazing digs (own room, kitchen, cable tv, big comfy couch, and a hottub) and loving my new roommates.
Last week of June: I watch an episode of mtv’s MADE and get inspired to be a life coach or something. I’ve figured it out. The two things I love and must do in life: invest in people and express myself.
Sometime around the end of June/beginning of July: All four of my roommates come to me separately and confide in me (and/or) ask for advice. I am reminded of when Beth Moore spoke at the Passion Conference and first got me thinking about how counseling is a life changing profession.
First week of July: Eat dinner with my friend Lacey. She tells me about the faith journey God has had her on. I feel more encouraged and more sharpened than I have in months—maybe a year. She tells me I have a real knack for asking questions. She tells me my interest in people is rare…unique.
4th of July: Go home and have a good time with family.
After 4th of July: Come back to Pigeon Forge to enjoy time with friends and finish the run of the show. Find out LU theater is doing my dream show, Little Women at Christmas time.
July 15th: Complete show #58. I actually finished the summer. I completed it. Begin tearing up in finale once again because I’m in awe of God’s faithfulness.

Lyrics from “Rain, Rain, Rain” (from Fixin 2 Rain)

We have so many things to learn
of God and all His ways
Of right and wrong a simple song
of faith and hope and praise
But God in all His mercy
reaches out to love us still
A gift from Him our debt is paid
and on to us His blessings laid.

Rain Rain Rain
Mercy drops are falling
You can hear the angels calling
Calling from above
Rain Rain Rain
Heaven’s Highest Glory
Reminding of the story
Covering with Love


Thanks God.

from the wedding singer/hoedown dancer

Hello friends and faithful readers,

I know it’s kind of weird for me to not post something-I mean anything in over 3 weeks, but this has been one of the most unique sets of 3 weeks in my life. Since Mother’s Day I’ve been on lock down at the Governor’s Palace Theater in Pigeon Forge, TN where I learned a show in 9 days and was promptly thrown into the professional theater setting. It has been crazy. And hard. And fun. And challenging. It’s been good folks.
But I don’t really want to take the time right now to tell you all about it, for you see, I’m currently in Nashville for a ridiculously short weekend to spend time with the ones I love. I did however want to post some great lyrics that perhaps you’ve heard before…
Basically, throughout the past year or so I’ve evolved into the quintessential wedding singer. I mean, I’ve been asked to sing at quite a few weddings. The next one is Britney Barkley and Adam Swor’s. They are getting married next Friday night. Britney is one of my oldest friends. I have memories of being friends with Britney since we were approximately 4 or 5 years old.

I love friendships like that. Aren’t they a bit irreplaceable?

Anyway, she asked me to sing a pretty typical wedding song, “I Will Be Here” by Steven Curtis Chapman. I just downloaded the lyrics because I’m gonna need to learn them in the next few days. And they are really quite profound. I’m learning a lot about love these days. It’s so much more than a feeling…

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here

When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here

Greetings from Ocala, Florida

First thought on my mind: I want to the best me I can be without feeling obligated to prove myself to anyone.
Second: I should really go to bed. I have to get up for a flight at 7...
Third: Is my bed tomorrow night gonna be comfy? I'm living in a church-owned old motel. I should pray that I get enough sleep and that it doesn't make my neck sore.
Fourth: I can't believe I actually finished that song for today. My friend Heather got married today and requested that I write a song to sing at the wedding. Without ever hearing it, Heather put my name on the program and trusted me with a portion of her wedding. I finished it today...about 2 hours before the wedding. Here are the lyrics:

You Are the Love of My Life
5.13.06

Vs. 1.
We started out as simply friends
Didn’t think it would be more
But now today we join our lives
This is the day we have waited for

Ch:
And Now I stand here
Gazing at you
I scarcely believe my eyes
After all of this time
Today
I am yours and you are mine

2nd ending: You are the love of my life

Vs. 2
This is a love that some dream about
This is a life that we will share
This is more than a feeling
But a commitment
To serve and care

Bridge:
Generations have come before
And we will not be the last
And now we come before God’s throne
Requesting to be blessed

Fifth: It really is wild to think about when you're in college and you meet hundreds and hundreds of new members of the opposite sex that at some point you will choose one.

Just one.

Not that the others are faulty, or that it couldn't possibly work out, but at some point you choose one. One best friend of the opposite sex. One person to be romantic with. To live with. To have children with.

To share life with.

Daunting, no?

And yet so amazing. Marriage is an incredible concept. And one most people on earth have the opportunity to experience. Our God is indeed amazing in his intricate plan of habitating the world and creating community and fellowship. I am so blessed to get to take part. And you know what else? I'm so glad the whole choosing a mate thing isn't completely up to me. I know God knows me better than I do. And I'm trusting Him to work out the details.

Trusting in God is indeed a peaceful place.
Can I get an amen?

I really don't have time to do this right now but I got so excited reading this I simply had to pass it on ASAP.
You know how I have this interest in passionate people? Well I do. I'll tell anyone, if you're passionate about something, I'll like you. (And if you're funny, well that's just an added perk.)
I was just reading in my writing book and this excerpt reveals that I am not the only one who finds an interest in passionate people. Zinnser says that passionate people make boring things interesting things. Here's what he has to say:

"Get people talking. Learn to ask questions that will elicit answers about what is most interesting or vivid in their lives. Nothing so animates writing as someone telling what he thinks or what he does--in his own words.
His own words will always be better than your words, even if you are the most elegant stylist in the land. They carry the inflection of his speaking voice and the idiosyncrasies of how he puts a sentence together. They contain the regionalisms of his conversation and the lingo of his trade. They convey his enthusiasms. This is a person talking to the reader directly, not through the filter of a writer. As soon as a writer steps in, everyone else's experience becomes secondhand.
Therefore learn how to conduct an interview. Often you'll find yourself embarking on an article so apparently life less that you will quail at the prospect of keeping your readers, or even yourself, awake.
Take heart. You'll find the solution if you look for the human element. Somewhere in every drab institution are men and women who have a fierce attachment to what they are doing and are rich repositories of lore. Find these people to tell your story and it won't be drab."

Don't you love it??? This proves the point that at the heart of everything is humanity. It goes to show that no big institution, or company, or university, or church is simply that--but they are all made up of people. Individuals with their own stories, personalities, passions, and spirits. And the even cooler thing?? Jesus Christ died for each of them. The one with the most boring, day in day out, monotonous job. And the commander-in-chief of the most powerful military in the world. The grandma who has been virtually forgotten and watches soap operas all day, and the vagabond 22 year old traveling the world.
This world is made up of millions, well, billions of individuals who have their own stories. And they are all passionately loved by a creator savior.

That is something worth writing about.

On Writing Well

I was just reading in the book, "On Writing Well" by William Zinnser and had to pass on what I read regarding audience. The question posed is "Who am I writing for?" Here is Zinnser's reply:

"It's a fundamental question, and it has a fundamental answer: You are writing for yourself. Don't try to visualize the great mass audience. There is no such audience--every reader is a different person. Don't try to guess what sort of thing editors want to publish or what you think the country is in a mood to read. Editors and readers don't know what they want to read until they read it. Besides, they're always looking for something new."

Books on writing are fascinating. Did you know most published authors go through 5 drafts before a copy editor ever even sees a page?