Tales from a gypsy...

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2. No, this is not some new full time job. I am not making a career switch. I have actually been avidly auditioning since my contract at Mill Mountain ended. Now sounds like a good time for me to count the auditions I've attended. I love doing things like this...11! I've been to 11 in 9 weeks. Sick.

3. I've also gotten some new headshots taken!! I"m so excited. I've seen a few of the photographer's faves but I am still waiting on the cd of all of them (in part b/c it's being mailed to Nashville and I won't be back there for another week). You can check out Deb Knoske's fab fashionable work at Debknoskephotography.com.

4. A new musical is premiering in Rochester and eventually moving to Broadway based on Pride & Prejudice. My favorite novel + my favorite medium of art=bliss for hil.

5. I've been on the road for the past 5 weeks auditioning in various towns and villages. The suitcase life isn't so bad but I do prefer to at least be able to hang my clothes up. Wrinkles are just not cute.

6. On my travels I got to stop through NYC and visit with some fabulous friends. One such is my friend Shannon who just finished a 5 year stint on Broadway playing Tracy in Hairspray. Me and my best (guy friend) Patric were both inspired to strive for bigger and better. I really am learning that there are people in this world with big picture mentality and small picture mentality. I want to be one of the ones who sees the big picture and lives accordingly!!

Susie, Shannon, Cindy, Mike, Patric and I in Battery Park in NYC

it felt so wrong it felt so right doesn't mean i'm in love tonight...

I haven’t written a blog that was just stream of consciousness/not heavy in quiiite some time. So here we go.

I love a good list—so this shall be numbered.

1. The day I arrived back at home after spending 5 months in Roanoke working at Mill Mountain Theatre my dad gave me Welcome Home flowers. I don’t feel like the men in my life (maybe other than my dad. Ha.) know quite how wonderful/special/lovely it is to be given flowers—espesh on any occasion that is not Valentines Day or Opening Night. Now don’t get me wrong…flowers are alllways great but even greater on the random days. I love flowers because they are aesthetically pleasing, because there are never 2 identical arrangements, because they make a room smell so sweet, and because they signify special occasions. I love flowers.
2. My room here in Nash is a small disaster. I can only live in physical chaos for so long. For me fung shui is like, the real deal. I need my physical environment to be settled and centered for me to feel the same way. Kind of eastern of me? Yeah, probably.
3. My sister is back for 1.5 months from the ole UK and I couldn’t be happier. She’s truly adjusted to living over there and is far from homesick. While she loves us, she really finds life in Scotland more interesting than it is here. I’m so glad marriage didn’t bring the end of her adventurous days. Honestly for her I think it brought the beginning.
4. People keep asking me what’s next, where I’m living, what I’m doing, etc. In case you were wondering I’ll give you the standard answer:
One run-on sentence version: Eh, I don’t know we’ll see.
Concise phrase (as if it was for a journalism hw assignment): I don’t have plans beyond the first weekend in September. Between now and then I will be auditioning in Pennsylvania, New York, and Florida. If no offers have been made by mid-August I will begin doing part time work in Nashville with the hopes of a performing opportunity appearing at any moment.
The longer version for people who want the details and/or don’t understand the actor life:
In the life of an actor you have times when you’re working and making money and times when you’re auditioning and spending money. Right now I’m in the auditioning/spending time. Hopefully by mid-fall I’ll be in working/making time again—but you just never know. I have ideas about what I want to do and where I want to be but they’re ever evolving. For the next few months I know I want to pursue live acting. In the past 5 months I’ve learned that I have more talent then I once thought and that the thing about performing I love the most is making people laugh. If I could do that every day, dang it, I would. So the plan is to keep auditioning for awhile and thoughts I have that might be deemed ‘long term’ include grad school and a move to new york. We shall see friends we shall see.
5. I’m not trying to jinx any thing at all so I’m going to make only slight mention of the fact that I will be auditioning quite soon for my favorite show/role of all time that I would give money away to play. That is all for now on that.
6. I am trying to find a serene balance between wise and spontaneous.
7. I keep noticing this longing in my heart to go to Africa. Kind of random, right?
8. I’m reading a book right now called “A Whole New Mind” by Daniel Pink. Subtitle: Why right-brainers will rule the future. I’ve only read the first chapter but so far it’s really fascinating. First, the person who recommended it to me was Oprah. Second, it deals with the intersection of psychology, science and success.
9. Yesterday I got some pink patent leather wedges. If that’s not girly I don’t know what is.
10. I think the new Katy Perry song is sooooo catchy and I love it. (Yeah, you know the one.)

Why Self-Awareness and Self-Analysis Are Good

Jesus said this and Matthew wrote it down.

" Do not judge, so that you won't be judged. For with the judgment you use, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye but don't notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and look, there's a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Don't give what is holy to dogs or toss your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them with their feet, turn, and tear you to pieces."

What I glean from this? In life, if I see an inconsistency in someone else or something off-putting or something that is disappointing or a decision that has reaped unfortunate consequences instead of pointing it out to the person who did it...I need to check myself and learn from it. I am only responsible for myself--the words I say, the choices I make. Life is too short to be remembered as the person who 'shamed' someone else.

Peter Pan Part 2

After 2 months of time, many a conversation, and what—14 comments? about Peter Pan I’ve decided to unpack some of my statements I made earlier. Some of them may have appeared sweeping, harsh, dense, and shallow. I’m aware of this. Trust me—you’ve made me aware of this.

When I say be “amazing” I don’t mean graduate and get a job that makes a lot of money.
One of the biggest misunderstandings of the Peter Pan blog was that money, success, and a white picket fence by 25 are THE things that I find attractive.

The point of the blog was to point out the seemingly common thread between a handful of guys in my life who primarily represent many, many characteristics I could want in a boyfriend/friend/inspirational speaker/husband. The one thing that they have in common is the extended adolescence that reflects in their choice to drag out college and avoid the scary thing that is adulthood and finding out if they'll be good at it or not. Now, of course, to each his own. If you want to graduate college at 31 that is your choice. But it’s also my prerogative to voice that I think it’s a better choice to finish undergrad education in a timely manner and move on to bigger and better. But it’s really truly not about a degree. It’s about some common fears that I see in guys in my generation.

The bottom line is that what attracts me to someone of the opposite sex is different at 23 than it was when I was 19.

If you seem to have a game plan, a dream for your life and you’re starting to make it happen I think it’s “amazing.”
When I was 19 I would’ve thought you were a wife-hunting crazy person who needed to relax.

If you care about politics and actually know how to defend your position on school vouchers I think that is “amazing.”
When I was 19 I thought apathy was cool and I would’ve thought your conversations about the deficit were boring.

If you have a personal and growing relationship with God where you are continually understanding deeper concepts about living out your faith I think that is “amazing.”
I would’ve thought that was amazing at 19. That one hasn’t changed. Hey!

If you've completed a post-high school degree program and are supporting yourself by using the skills and talents given to you by God and sharpened by an education I think that is "amazing."
When I was 19 I thought being 19 and living in the dorm was cool.

And if you have a life’s passion and are seeking to learn more about it, get better at it, or find some way to make a living by doing it I think that is “amazing.”
At 19 I only would’ve thought that was cool if it had to do with being emo, playing guitar, or being on Broadway. Now I think it’s cool no matter what you love. Finance? Sweet. Photography? Sick. Ebay? Do it to it.

I know in my own life I am far from perfect. FAR. I become increasingly aware of it on a daily basis. I’m grateful for grace and the fact that there is dignity in being human. One thing that helps keep my compass pointing north is the goal to be the kind of girl someone I find amazing would find amazing. So if you have any pointers throw them out. You owe it to me. I did it for you!

*And yes, if you think the word “amazing” is obscenely overused in this article I’ll agree with you.

In light of the events going on at home at Two Rivers one of the church members posted this video on his website. I found it so moving and I always meant to see this movie but haven't yet. Heroes ALWAYS have opposition. It really is cool to know that in this situation-my own dad is the hero. That's pretty cool.

Peter Pan

I’m in a stage of life I like to refer to as 23—free and sassy. Or fun and sassy. I haven’t committed just yet. Commitment isn’t a very popular word with many people in my social/age group. I’m generally very happy with my life. I love the opportunity to put my heart and soul and LIFE into something I’m passionate about: namely performing in live musical theatre. I’m happy to have the financial freedom to be able to travel to auditions when I need to and actually make a living by doing something that brings me sheer joy. I’m happy to have a degree and not have to worry about thesis statements and 500 word articles and midterms. I’m happy about being able to invest in whoever I want. I can talk to whoever I want on the phone for however long I want to. I can even pay someone mindless attention for one night. It’s all up to me. In a number of ways I am living the dream right now as I type this. Other dreams that I have in life I don’t exactly have control over—getting married, having a family. Those are things I want in my future. They could come soon or later. I don’t have a rigid preference because I know it’s not an area I can control. But they are certainly huge aspects of my definition of “living the dream.”
And one of my best friends, Leslie is living the dream in many ways too. Right now her office is in the White House. Ya know…the one on Pennsylvania Avenue? Every day she interacts with people who are going down in the history books. Her job is “Devil Wears Prada” meets “West Wing.” And it’s stressful but I’d venture to say it’s insanely fulfilling.
Both of us are smart. Both of us are pursuing dreams. Both of us are financially independent (ok, she is more than me but still). Both of us are confident. We know what we believe in. We vote. We donate. And we’d be more than happy to have guy friends (I’m not gonna say we even have time or energy for boyfriends) who are our age in that same place too. Successful. Happy. Looking toward the future. Informed. Spiritual.

Where are they?

That is the quandary I’ve been perplexed by as of late. I look around and I don’t know any guys who are the equivalent of my best friends. Where are the guys who are in their early—even mid—20’s and “have it all together”? Why has that become too much to ask? The Peter Pan syndrome is more prevalent than any of us knew. Why has “30 become the new 20” as one such Peter Pan said to me recently? Why is this ok? Why do we have this adolescentadulthood stage that is continuing on and on? Why can’t these guys finish school for goodness sake? What is so hard about deciding a concentration of study and taking a full load each semester and going to class and doing homework and getting the heck out of college? What is to fear about growing up, falling in love, asking a girl to marry?

Why are guys of this generation so freaking scared to grow up?

You want to date me? Or Leslie? Or some other girl that you think is “amazing”? Then become the guy who she thinks is amazing. It’s as simple as that. Get your act together.

Herein Lies the Happiest Movie Scene Ever

You can't help but let it brighten your day. :-)

The Grand Gesture

Today is Monday April 7th, 2008. 23 years and one day since I came on the scene. I had a fantastic weekend getting to perform and being surrounded by some of my best friends. Birthdays serve as a wonderful reminder that you are loved.
Now, I’m sitting in a Panera in Roanoke, Virginia. I came here to escape my apartment/dorm/orphanage living situation and to use the free wifi to get some work done on my new freelance job: inthemo.com. (←shameless plug)
I actually feel really blessed by the new job. I found it when I was casually perusing the NYC craigslist. They needed an editor with a bit of international travel experience. I replied and 2 days later the job was mine. It’s a perfect supplementary income. And it virtually came out of nowhere. I was told by a friend of mine who is a working actor in New York City that being able to afford life in New York shouldn’t be a fear of mine. He said “You’re smart, educated and sharp. Why should money and a job come difficult?” And so I found a job in New York—and I don’t even live there (yet).
And my main job. I love it. The past two months I’ve been in “The Stinky Cheese Man and other fair(ly) stooped tales.” It’s been remarkably fulfilling performing for audiences made up of children. I absolutely love it. This past week we began rehearsals for our next show “Tales From the Arabian Nights.” This show is also primarily for school age audiences. After that the Festival of New Works will take the stage. I was pretty stoked when I first got cast in the show. Then I got the script and saw that my character says a few choice words that I have a strong conviction I never have any business saying—as a character or in real life. I talked to a few Christian friends who are in the business and their advice was to stand up for what I believe and it’ll be honored. After all, it’s PC to respect someone’s religious beliefs. Right? Well, what I didn’t consider was that the show is going to be performed for the first time. As a result the director and playwright have no interest in changing lines. Not a one. And if that means changing casting, so be it. So today I dropped out of the show.
If you know me well you know that I HATE conflict. I flee from it. I hate rocking the boat. I hate offending people. I hate for people to be disappointed in me, frustrated with me, or to generally be unpopular. Some people can handle it—I can’t. I like being liked.
And today I made some people unhappy. People who couldn’t fathom why I can’t separate a script from real life. “Do you not understand the concept that it’s a character and not you? Do you not get what ACTING is?”
It was the grand gesture in my life thus far.
I’ve really never been in a position where I had to stand up for what I believed in. I mean certainly there have been times where I turned down smoking something or chose to avoid something I deemed wrong. But never have I been condescended because of it. Never was I made to feel like my choice was illogical. I knew I had a choice to make when I read the script. And I knew that compromising is a slippery, slippery slope. And I knew saying something disrespectful about our Creator is not something I could ever do while maintaining self-respect.
This whole year of being thrust into the ‘real world’ and being out of the ‘christian bubble’ has been one big learning experience. It’s been an ongoing process of truly deciding who I’m going to be. I can blend in with what is going on horizontally or I can decide to live with a vertical perspective. My eyes can be looking around or looking up. That is the choice. I was given the opportunity to make the grand gesture. And though unpopular with my directors and unpopular with some people I work with who don’t get my choice, I did what I had to do. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now. The theatre may keep me around and let me be in Into the Woods or they may not. But I know I can sleep soundly tonight and know that I didn’t compromise.
After all, I’m 23 years old. I decide now who I’m going to be the rest of my life.

Good and The Other Boleyn Girl

Saturday night I saw “The Other Boleyn Girl.” It is the story of a family: a father and mother and 2 daughters and 1 son. The father envisions great wealth and position for the family. The mother who descended from a family of power and chose to marry for love sees the virtue in having less in life. The sisters and brother have a closeknit kinship.
As the story progresses the family is literally torn apart by the choices they make in order to get ahead. Both sisters become impregnated with the king of england’s bastard children and towards the end of the film the brother George and sister Anne actually consider incest in order to cover up Anne’s miscarriage with the king’s child.
In the end both Anne and George are beheaded and the family is torn apart. The father dies in disgrace. Sister Mary moves on to her 2nd marriage and disconnects from her parents entirely. No one in the film is happy in the end. Everyone has been ravaged by sin, selfishness, lust, and greed.
The next morning I attended Easter services at church.
What a juxtaposition.
Saturday night I bore witness to evil in its sickest form. I saw lives ruined and disgraced because of sin. Leaving the theatre I felt overwhelmed. I felt like the world and its inhabitants were rather hopeless.
Sunday morning I was greeted with a message as opposite as any two messages.
Yes, we live in a world filled with hopelessness—that is, apart from the hope we have in Christ Jesus.
Only lives connected to His truth can make any sense, have any purpose, have any good in them.
What hope that though left to our own out of control whims and desires we literally destroy ourselves, but with the hope in Christ we can have not only abundant life daily on this earth but we can have assurance of everlasting hope and eternal life past the shores of Heaven.
I was reminded that the message of the Bible and the Cross is not “Get your lives fixed and then come to Christ. Get rid of your sin then you will be accepted into His kingdom.”
Far from it.
The message of Christ is that in no way are we capable on a human level in our own power to be good. We are selfish simple creatures. The joy and hope of Christ is that HE IS GOOD. So we are at a loss to try and scramble up a nice portrait of ourselves for Christ. The point of the cross is not to show Christ how we can be such “good Christians.” The message of the cross is to surrender daily to the love none of us truly deserve or have inherited because of our goodness. Praise God that there is hope. Praise God that He has the character that bestows such love and compassion on such dirty little selfish creatures as ourselves. Now I believe THAT is a hope to live for.

Are we destined for specific tasks?

“Then the word to the Lord came to me saying ‘Behold before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I sanctified you. I ordained you a prophet to the nations.’ Then said I: ‘Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.’ But the Lord said to me: ‘Do not say, 'I am a youth,' For you shall go to all to whom I send you, And whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,’ says the Lord. Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me: ‘Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms. To root out and to pull down. To destroy and to throw down. To build and to plant.’ Moreover the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘Jeremiah, what do you see?’ And I said, ‘I see a
branch of an almond tree.’ Then the Lord said to me, ‘You have seen well, for I am ready to perform My word.’”
Jeremiah 1:4-12

Clearly the Bible is saying God decided to use Jeremiah in a specific way before Jeremiah was even an adult. Does God still do this? Is it only for prophets or people doing ministry? Or are we all destined for specific tasks? Are they all spiritual people-need-to-get-saved tasks? And does this only happen when people can audibly hear God saying things? It seems like Jeremiah audibly heard from God in this passage. Of course this has been translated a few times. And is the purpose of this passage to simply be inspired by God using someone young? Or is the reader supposed to take something from it and apply it to his or her own life? Is it right to read this and infer that God is "telling me to do _________"?

Reading the Bible...and actually thinking.

If then there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by thinking the same way, having the same love, sharing the same feelings, focusing on one goal. Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. -Phillipians 2.1-4

2 thoughts:

1) What a sobering challenge in a "me first" world. If the beginning of humility is feeling completely inadequate and unqualified then maybe I'm getting somewhere...

2) Also, in politics, do a large portion of evangelicals feel no obligation to be compassionate as instructed in verse 4? Or are things like universal healthcare just enabling? Or is that just a convenient excuse?

Suicide and Beauty

My dear friend John is one of the most honest, inquisitive, feeling people I know. He wrote this:


Last semester in English class, I had argued that there was an element of beauty to be found in suicide. My friend Ashley and I had often joked that she had the "perfect suicide tub" in the "perfect suicide bathroom". Stark, cold, white, tile floors and walls. A vintage, white bathtub with clawed feet and a wrap-around curtain. All the scene needed was a trail of crimson red blood and a love story gone awry. Recently though, my romanticized views on suicide were confronted with the actual reality of suicide.

Last week, my 21 year old cousin, Joe, put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. His Dad, Joe Sr., found him in his bedroom when he returned home from work. He was so beside himself he couldn't speak for days. Last weekend, our family congregated in Philly for the funeral.

At the viewing hours, I "met" suicide. It was written on Joe Sr.'s face. He looked like a ghost. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his body shook a bit while he hugged the people who were quietly filing by. (What's to be said??) Suicide's overwhelmingly sad "presence" was palpable. One particularly moving moment was when my Uncle Tom, who has Down Syndrome, hugged his sister (my Aunt) and cried loudly. Even Tom, who is unable to think critically, could feel suicide for exactly what it was and is: ugly, unnatural and evil.

It was there, sitting in the chairs facing the casket during viewing hours, that my thoughts churned while tears fell: How can something be ugly unless there is a standard of Beauty? How can something be the unnatural and false unless there is a natural order and Truth? How can something be evil unless there is Good? So with no "evidence" other than my experience and feelings to consult, this modernist was startled to uncover the seeming necessity of absolutes or "objectiveness" in regards to Beauty, Truth and Goodness. I had considered these topics before, but never as absolutes. It was certainly an unexpected realization at an unlikely moment. I hurt for Joe Jr. I hurt for Joe Sr. I hurt for all the world in that moment. It all seemed so fucked up, backwards and fallen. I could see why Joe called bullshit on us humanoids blathering on about our sports and celebrities as if anything mattered when we're just distracting ourselves from the very obvious fact that EVERYTHING IS NOT ALRIGHT. From his perspective of no God, Joe's reasoning towards suicide is flawless and his resolve is admirable. We ought not cry, but applaud his success in stepping off the this carousel of absurdity. --But-- It is not the case that there is no God. I'd dare say it is clearly not the case. Turning to God brings life and order. Killing oneself brings the opposite.

Last year I argued passionately that beauty and goodness were subjective. I argued a lot of things that I've since recognized to be false. The fog continues to lift. At every turn, my wrong opinions are being righted and all is beginning to make sense in the world. God exists. Truth exists. Joy exists. Hope exists. Peace exists. Beauty most definitely exists. As the song that I linked at the top of this post questions, these things CAN be found. (Do you think you can find it? Do you think you can see it? Go ahead and scream it!) That song became an accidental theme song for the weekend. I listened to it over and over. My brother, Jeff, showed it to me and the words were hauntingly applicable. A lonely soul . . . questions of the heart . . . questions of fate . . . and the ultimate question: what do we need? We need God.

On Sunday, the day after the funeral, we were driving home when my Dad received a phone call from my Mom saying that Joe Sr. had just accepted Christ as his savior. Whaaat?! There was much rejoicing in the car. The contrast was profound: Joe Jr chose suicide and in doing so chose a wrong way, a lie and a death. Joe Sr chose Christ and in doing so chose the Way, the Truth and best of all: Life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWiJWLiSKro

The View

"If you do what's right God will show you what to do next." --Dad

It is 8:06 on Saturday night and I’m sitting on a plane flying somewhere over the east coast between Orlando, Florida and Baltimore, Maryland. I don’t really want to go to Baltimore but it was the only way I could get to Washington DC tonight. I’m meeting 4 of my best friends there to have a girls weekend. Leslie, who is one of the 6 most important people in my life, is there and I haven’t seen her since we graduated May of last year. I can’t adequately articulate how excited I am to see her. I missed the original flight I was going to take into DC tonight so I caught a flight (that left a full hour and a half late) that will take me to Baltimore where I’ll hop on a 10:45 train to DC. And I’m tired.

* * *

This past week my friend Patric and I have both been in Orlando. I planned this little excursion before I had even moved away in December. In November at the monthly open call for equity roles at Disney, one of the casting directors told me I would be a good fit for the High School Musical show. The show consists of highlights of the music from the 2nd movie. It’s upbeat, fun, pays well, and is an awesome opportunity to perform. Yes, I said “awesome.” Before I began taking voice lessons from Alexis Kramer I wouldn’t have dreamed of being cast in this show. The style sung is thoroughly pop with riffs and belting. But with a teacher who helped me to unlock things with my voice I never knew were possible came an assortment of new performing possibilities. Discovering untapped potential is one of the coolest things in the world. For reals. ☺

Yesterday, specific auditions were held at Disney to fill roles in the show. Presently they’re looking for immediate replacements. The show consists of 1 girl and 2 guy singers who host/star in the show. About 15 character performers fill the rest of the show—what you might call “Ensemble” and serve as dancers. What they do is similar to what I did in the summer of 2006 in “Fixin 2 Rain.” Lots of movement and lots of lip synching. Fun—but not my passion. If you keep up with me in real life, you know that in just a couple weeks I’m going to fulfill a contract I signed almost a year ago with Mill Mountain Theatre in Roanoke, VA. (Google it.) So, even if they were to offer me a contract right now (which could be) I couldn’t take it. In my contract with Mill Mountain I agreed to give them one month’s notice to fill my spot on the Mill Mountain Players. And even if it wasn’t in the contract, it’s just common courtesy. Why would I want to put them up a creek like that? It’s not a nice thing to do. I do know however, that casting directors at Disney have brains and memory. So why not knock their socks off and reappear at auditions next summer or fall with 4 more professional credits under my belt and 5 months of performing experience? I have a friend who auditioned last year in January and left Orlando for an out of town contract and received a call in May to begin rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast in June. I think I left them with a good memory of me. Mission. Accomplished.

To make the trip back to Orlando to audition more practical I decided to go back to job-o-loathe I did twice a week over the summer at then-MGM now “Disney’s Hollywood Studios” (though nobody calls it that) selling Disney merchandise.

The first day I was back I had to trapse about the park with a tray of toys (how’s that for alliteration?) strapped to my shoulders. Picture the guy at the baseball game selling beer or hotdogs. Now make him have curly red hair, tip the scales at a buck fifteen, and unhappily lugging around toys that could cause an early onset of arthritis…or a slipped disc…something unfortunate.
At the very same time that I was forced to mill around MGM with the tourists and hope they would trade me money for the toys, the precise show that I came to audition for was being performed only yards away. I barely escaped seeing people I knew who were dancing in it. Nobody needs to see me in my demoralized “Yes, the Mickey spinner is $15. No I can’t swipe your credit card” state. It’s just not necessary.
I probably sound like I was hating my life selling toys when I saw people living my hopes and dreams only feet away. And yes, I certainly felt pangs of “Don’t I have a degree? And self-respect? And talent? WHY am I doing this?” But even in the nonsense and the embarrassment I was thoroughly inspired.

Wouldn’t it be cool to start off as the little red head toy pusher and end up the star of the show?

There’s something to be said for the humility that comes with doing things you don’t like. I’ve noticed in my own life that I have difficulty doing things I don’t like or things I don’t prefer. I don’t like to get out of bed when it’s cold. I don’t like to change my plans. I don’t like this kid whining and screaming 2 rows behind me…right now.

But can we really appreciate the joys and successes without previously experiencing the pain and embarrassing failures?

How much more deeply satisfying will godly unselfish love be in my life after experiencing the backlash of disappointment?

How much more satisfying is it that I will be in a nationally esteemed theatre’s performance of “Into the Woods” after the still palpable sting of not being cast in the LU production?

How much more will I value having the economic means to buy my own house and car and insurance after a year of adulthood where I was lucky to make rent?

We must go to the depths to wholly experience the heights. And recognizing that truth while in the depths is merely the beginning of the ascension. So bring on the embarrassing pitfalls. I know spring comes after winter. And I think I’m about ready for it. It’s cold in Tennessee!

Things Learned in 2007

1. People can be blessed by you simply being an amazing roommate. Spring of 2007 I had the best roommate possible. Now don't get me wrong, I've had lots and lots and lots of roommates--many of which I would count as great friends but Dara Lyons rose above all in her ability to be an amazing roommate. Not only was she respectful of my things, my space, and every space we shared she was also extremely giving and unselfish. Any time she would cook she would be ready to share. She wrote me notes and left me small thoughtful gifts that she thought would brighten my day. She never kept a record of whose turn it was to clean the kitchen or take out the trash. If it needed doing and she was able to do it, she would. Her way of roommate-ing blessed me in a million ways. In Dara's life, actions really do speak louder than words. Her life truly speaks.
2. So many college or amateur performers are afraid of the "rejection" they fear they will experience in professional theatre. For the talented, this fear is completely unfounded. With a bigger pond comes more opportunity! In college each semester there are limited opportunities to perform--maybe 2 or 3 at the most. But in the real world, auditions and cast lists don't have near as much weight or importance because there is always another opportunity. There is always another audition. Actors have to be confident yet humble enough to handle rejection.
3. Lizards are EVERYWHERE in Florida. Who knew?
4. Leaving college isn't so bad. Facebook helps.
5. Asians leave fitting rooms a hot mess. I'm not trying to racial profile--but seriously. I worked at a high end retail store in Orlando, FL where I encountered international tourists on virtually a daily basis. Maybe in the far east they have different etiquette regarding dressing rooms. Here in the US it's NOT ok to try 25 items on and leave the $2000 worth of clothing in a pile on the floor. NOT ok.
6. British people are the nicest, most polite on earth. I've never encountered a rude brit. We could all take a cue from their people skills. Cheers!
7. Thick skin is an incredible asset gained from having to deal with ridiculous superiors.
8. I care about politics--when I feel like it makes a difference. Hooray for election years. And go Ron Paul. Donate!
9. I can get by on not much of an income, but $10 an hour is waayyyyy less than I thought it was.
10. If you think a guy might be gay, he really might be.
11. Having your script memorized before rehearsals begin is not only impressive, it's a necessity in displaying professionalism.
12. I would really like a job with 5 digits and benefits.
13. What you hear about people--when their reputations preceed them--may not be entirely true, but it's probably mostly true.
14. Nobody can or should tell you what you CAN'T do until your potential is TRULY tapped into.
15. Sometimes people will surprise you--but sometimes they won't.
16. The end is always the beginning of something else. And it may not be precisely what you were hoping for, but it's still most likely great--it's probably all in your perspective.
17. I don't buy in wholeheartedly to "The Secret" but I DO think people can sense if you're a "yes" person or a "no" person. "Yes" people are positive, optimistic, doers. They make things happen. "No" people always find a reason/excuse that something can't be done. They're watchers. Yes people experience more positive things in life. Everyone in life is either in the audience or on the stage. And everyone DESERVES to be on the stage of their own life! Hello! I've had so many people this year tell me how much they admire that I'm "making it happen" for myself. If I can, you can too!

So I'm auditioning for this show in January...the directors have asked for us to prepare a pop song...and the age of the character I'd be playing is about 17. Now, I don't own a vast array of pop teenager-y music but I had a little bit in the archives. I found a song that I feel encapsulates where I was at 17 and where I think most slightly naive, big dreaming, optimistic, bored, ready to go 17-year-olds are. It's kind of weird to not be that kid anymore...the one who has never gone through anything. I can jump right into a character who would say these words and feel these emotions because I was her at one point but I'm no longer her. Once you're on the other side of heartbreak, life experience, or tragedy even...you're not glad youre there. The pain is real. The confusion is real. And the reality that is as honest as a mirror shows you that you're way more imperfect, flawed, and vulnerable than you had thought or even hoped. But when you've never experienced anything that involves passion or adventure, you so desperately want to--and you're ready to count the cost. I'm not exactly back in that place again just yet. Maybe some day I will be. But here are the lyrics nonetheless:

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
and leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Sometimes the pain feels overwhelming.
Sometimes I feel like I just have to cry.
Sometimes the crying surprises me.
Sometimes I feel invincible.
Sometimes I feel optimistic.
Sometimes I feel like starting all over sounds daunting.
Sometimes I trust.
Sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I think “what could I have done differently?”
Sometimes I think “how could I have spared myself from this pain?”
Sometimes I am thankful.
Sometimes I have no regrets.
Sometimes I feel seasoned—like I’ve really seen a thing or two.
Sometimes I feel so innocent.
Sometimes I wish it had never happened.
Sometimes I think a broken heart is better than a cold heart.
Sometimes I know everything’s going to be totally fine—better than fine.
Sometimes I think it can only get better from here.
Sometimes I just want to feel how I feel.

I always said I really wanted to experience life. And I guess that’s exactly what life is. Feeling conflicted. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling ok. The pain is simply an aspect of the beauty. Maybe that’s really real life. Not having conclusions. Things not being so neat. That’s about as conclusive as I can get right now…