I figured out how to add pictures!

Here my friends is a glimpse of "Happy Fun Spring Day," a ritual we cool Liberty kids like to complete at least once a week consisting of tiny grilles, baby pools, kites, and bare-footedness...ps...that's me with curly hair...aka, what I really look like...

This pic was taken over Spring Break on the Chamber Singers tour...Its Me and my future roomie Hannah! Whoo! You may also call her Belle. :)

This was taken on my big surprise birthday night...these are most of my girls at LU (definitely not all) from left to right: Mel, Dee, Gwynne, Me, Linds, Crystal, and Meg...yay!

Me and John on the big goodbye night...yeah, I was crying...geez...

Me and my mom after "Aida" opening night...ps...my eye make up is usually a little more discrete than that...I swear...

Me Among the Scholars

The floors in my house are starting to creak. And I like it. It means my house is beginning to get character. It was built 4 years before we moved in. We moved in when I was 11. Now I’m 20. That makes it…13 years old? I suck at Math…I’m studying to CLEP out of Math, although it would help me to take the class to prepare me for the Grad School Entrance Exam…yet I don’t want to take it, because then I can’t do fun things like choir, opera, and voice lessons…why am I so focused on now and not on what might be best for my future? I’m sometimes a silly child…

My mom brought up the idea of me applying to go to Vanderbilt’s Grad School for English. I almost laughed…wouldn’t those Vandy kids kick my grammatical butt? It’s a cool thought though…me among the scholars…hmm…

Graduation Weekend...the end of Spring 2005

I want to cry, and feel I must, and yet the tears won’t come. Lives changing…people moving…growing up, and going…

It’s not ‘see you later’ or ‘see you next year’, it’s goodbye. Maybe forever. At least for a very long time. My mind can barely wrap around the idea. And I know in only a year or two; some of my nearest, dearest, closest friends will be saying goodbye then too…and my heart can barely bear it. I remember one of my first memories at Liberty University. It was my first meal in the dining hall (what we affectionately refer to as the ‘Rot) and as I was standing in line, waiting for my first bland, mass-produced, undercooked meal, I saw two girls, perhaps a couple years older than I, embrace. They seemed to be friends who were reuniting. I don’t remember their faces, the color of their hair, or anything else. But I do remember the feeling I had in that moment.

I can’t imagine being close enough to anyone here to hug them like that.

That was before I met Lindsay. And over a year before I met John. And a time in my life before a host of now extremely important people were even in my consciousness. I wonder if it is that same feeling parents get when their children egocentrically say, “Can you now imagine life before I came along?”

When examining these thoughts in spiritual terms it only leads me to one conclusion. We human beings despise goodbyes for a much greater purpose than simply missing a friend. We long for eternity. We long for infinite relations and existence. And eternal life is only found in God. C.S. Lewis once said that our every longing has some way of being satisfied. For carnal desires there is sex. For hunger there is food. For thirst there is water. And for the longing for life beyond what we know, there is eternity with God.

Having High Standards vs. Being Idealistic

Began a dialogue tonight on having high standards regarding people to date...if 'high standards' have not yet come to fruition...can it simply be called being idealistic? Do we have a fuzzy, warm, rose-tinted view of the future? Or are we being faithful to the concrete ideals that we know God has put in our hearts? I always believed that it is best to wait on the best, in every aspect, or live with the knowledge that I am truly better off alone. But is that true? Is it better to be with someone who may not have the more minor characteristics that I have always longed for, than no one at all? I have no conclusion to this quandary....I tend to think that I'm a balanced, logical person, but I came to the realization that all these years...rather than having this deep faith...maybe it was more idealistic tendencies...or maybe a mix of both...

So that's just me sounding off on what I was thinking just then...

Hope that's not too personal. :)

Oh, and I welcome any thoughts on the topic...for sure...

I Can't Control It All...But I Can Control This One Thing

The other day I was looking around online for a poem of sorts that my 10th grade Anatomy and Physiology teacher, Mrs. Tudor, read to us one morning in that class. Who could have known that a random semi-cheesy poem would stick with me all these years and be just the thing I am still inspired by 4 years later. As I have been witness to many who are overwhelmed with the thought of making life decisions, heavy responsibilities, and the weight of life in general, I am reminded that we only have to live, to perform, one day at a time.

Such a relief.

And the cooler part is, is that we all get complete control over how we choose to respond in situations, how we can choose to prepare for things (or not), and how we can let other people affect us. So here's to knowing that we can choose our attitude, choose to be influential, and choose to let God's light shine through us.
May you be your best, just for today...

Just For Today

Just for today I will try to live through this day only & not tackle my whole life’s problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that “Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is & not try to adjust everything else to my desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes & fit myself into it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study; I will learn something useful; I will not be a mental loafer; I will read something that requires effort, thought & concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn & not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count; I will do at least two things I don’t want to do—just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything & not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save my self from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. I will enjoy that which is beautiful & will believe that as I give to the world, so the world gives to me.

Honesty

Lyrics by Bethany Dillon...a surprisingly deep and articulate teenager...

Air is dry, the sun is gone
When I breathe, I breathe alone
Ten times a day I cry
Just to prove that I'm alive
Oh, that I'm alive

I have tried to be the queen
I have tried most everything
Leads me to the same place
On my knees or on my face
On my knees or on my face

Nations fall when You speak
And You have spoken over me
I am tired of giving in so easily
The way You keep on loving me
Is changing everything I see
It's a great big mystery

The fingers on my weathered bow
Are giving out and letting go
I need You now to take me in
I cannot fight alone again
Can't fight alone again

You are the mystery

Oh Lord may we all take our hands off the bow, and trust You. May our daily lives reflect our said passion and love for You.

Prayer of St. Francis

On the same line of thought as the previous post, this morning I happened upon an old prayer that I love dearly. I actually heard it for the first time in high school at All State choir when the prayer was penned to music. I wish you could hear its soaring melodies and beautiful harmonies...

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
Where there is discord, harmony.
Where there is error, truth.
Where there is wrong, the spirit of forgiveness.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console.
To be understood, as to understand.
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

Why Not?

We all understand the fact that we only get one life.

One Life.

And after each day is over, we don't get another shot at that day...

So why don't we live each day exactly how we want to? Why don't we live life to the fullest? Why don't we do that which has eternal value...that which we know is the best and most fulfilling?

Are laziness and apathy really good reasons for wasting the day?

We only get one life.

Time...Confirmation...Excellence...Why Is It Taking Me So Long to Get This Thing Down?

I'd like to share a paragraph or so from the much-read, little-quoted book "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller...

"I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."

As I mentioned in passing in my last entry, I have felt very busy lately, and not quite certain what it is that has been filling my time so. Just this afternoon at lunch with some friends at Famous Anthony's (where else?) it really hit me, how many things I have committed to as of late. On my way back to my dorm I was thinking and praying about shaking a few things loose, so I can do the few other things with excellence, and give them the time they deserve. I do really hate saying "no" without having confirmation that I should do so, so who do I call?

My mom, of course.

I gave my mom the rundown pretty quick and she reasoned that it is the wisest thing, to prioritize and cut back a bit. Then I walked in my room, got online and read this: http://www.johncarl.com/blog .

And then I read that Donald Miller quote...

And that was pretty much all the confirmation I needed for today. :)

A life filled with long to-do lists completed carelessly, is really a life of failure, compared to a life with a few things, done with excellence.

Regarding beauty..

I'll leave a real post soon but for now I'm crazy crunched for time. Have there ever been times in your life where you feel like your days are constantly filled, but you half-wonder what it is you're doing? Yeah...

So I was working on a paper I'm turning into my Advanced Expository Writing class regarding Christians and art. I'm tackling a number of issues regarding the thing, but mainly I am discussing how Christian artists should gauge their art: with excellence, humility and purpose. Anyway, when I was searching for good sources yesterday I came across a couple of soul-stirring quotes in "Walking On Water" a memoir by Madeleine L'Engle (also author of "A Wrinkle in Time."

Regarding worrying about the art you're producing:

"You must once and for all give up being worried about successes and failures. Don't let that concern you. It's your duty to go on working steadily day by day, quite quietly, to be prepared for mistakes, which are inevitable, and for failures." --Chekov

Regarding the beauty that blossoms from the pain:

"It is interesting to note how many artists have had physical problems to overcome, deformities, lameness, terrible loneliness…It is chastening to realize that those who have no physical flaw, who move through life in step with their peers, who are bright and beautiful, seldom become artists. The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain.

We are hurt; we are lonely; and we turn to music or words, and as compensation beyond all price we are given glimpses of the world on the other side of time and space."

So in essence, perhaps music and art are but a mere taste of Heaven...I like that...

Teens vs. Twenties...I'm Feeling So Young Right About Now

So today is my last day of being a “teenager”. 20’s sounds likes an adult. When do things shift from being fun and young to being…adult? Is it when you graduate college? Are involved in a serious relationship? Spend more time in your college town than your hometown? I’m not trying to over dramatize this turning 20 thing…its actually weird, I didn’t think I would really even notice…but being a teenager was always the thing that I wanted...before it happened…and now its almost over…not that my life will be any different tomorrow than it is today of course…but my overall experience with the teen years definitely comfirms my overwhelming suspicion that you think life is going to be a certain way…and most often, it’s just not. It may not be fabulously better or horribly worse, but the little idea that you have about the future, most often is wrong. So I guess all we can do is not make expectations. Live life one day at a time, and enjoy the blessings of the present. So today I’m gonna rock 19 hardcore…and tomorrow I’ll start to rock the 20’s…until then…I guess I should go sneak into a rated R movie or go hang out at the mall or something…

Priorities...Personal Standards...and the Group

As written in my journal a while ago....

I have noticed as of late that the phrase “You are who you associate with,” holds more truth than I previously realized. Not only do I adopt every phrase and inflection that my friends use in daily conversation, I have also been influenced by their worldviews, their character, and their attitudes. My friends enjoy a good time. A good conversation. Some good music. We love to laugh. Love to be entertained. Love to meet new, interesting people. My friends do not lack authenticity, warmth, and the ability to include others. My friends do have a common flaw in complacency regarding spirituality. As a whole they (we) have become satisfied people. Satisfied with compartmentalized Christianity. Christianity that is not an ever present aspect that influences our every move, word, and breath. Instead Christianity is a small aspect that puts us into a certain subculture where we don’t have sex before marriage, try to keep drinking to a minimal, and pray before meals. Is this an existence revolutionized by a relationship with the Christ? I don’t think it is. I love my friends. I love having a “core group” of people. But I don’t want to exist that way. I want my relationship with Christ to be my most influential aspect of life, that pours into every relationship, every conversation, and every decision. I want my life to exemplify the scripture written by Paul, “To LIVE is CHRIST and to die is gain” (emphasis mine). Lord, thank you for planting a desire in me “to live is Christ.” Now I need your help living it.

Don't Be Selfish. Watch the News.

So I was recently required for one of my classes to read a short essay by George Orwell called “Shooting an Elephant,” a recollection of his experience serving as a police officer during England’s imperialistic occupation of India in the 1930’s. I was perusing the article for some time with the attitude that I just needed to read it quickly and finish the assignment so I could be rid of the burden of homework for the weekend, and go do fun things. But I was stopped in my tracks by one phrase Orwell offered up that really got me thinking...
Orwell was discussing how as a British officer attempting to keep the peace in India during the period of imperialism he observed many injustices that took place. Orwell recalled these images, "all these oppressed me with an intolerable sense of guilt.” After reading that phrase I sat and pondered the idea of “oppressive guilt” for a moment, questioning whether guilt can really be compared to the oppression of an invading foreign government. When people compare the discomfort that results from viewing injustice to the actual discomfort that results from experiencing injustice, I tend to become angry. I think it is rather selfish and narrow-minded to compare empathetic feelings to the pain that results from actually experiencing discomfort. This is why I think it is important for people to know the injustice that is occurring in the world. They should open their eyes to the uncomfortable wrongs that are being done to countless people across the globe. People should watch the news. People should watch movies that tell true stories, though they may contain violence and images that are disheartening to watch. The society that forgets the wrongs that have been done in the past is doomed to repeat them. Society should never close its eyes to injustice in the name of protecting its own conscience. That is just selfish.

Welcome, Welcome...

Alas I have become one of you and created my own blog. Don't worry, I will only post thoughts when they come to mind. I won't ramble on about my daily tasks or to do list...So check back here and there and hopefully you will have something entertaining or interesting to read. Until next time...