Snapshots of a few birthdays and stream of consciousness birthday ramble...

oh my gosh. 24.

24!

24?!??

Believe you me when I was 15 I was pretty sure the rapture would happen before I turned 16. I just had this feeling. And now I'm 24. 24oooouuurrr! Whoa.

And I noticed something. Well 2 things.

1. My phone wasn't overwhelmed by texts at the stroke of midnight. Or calls. You wanna know why?

My friends are grown ups now. They're asleep. They have to work in the morning.

2. It's pretty crazy to be sitting on my birthday eve in an apartment by myself in New York. Pretty crazy...

AND AWESOME.

(i think in order of top to bottom that is my 3rd, 21st, 23rd, 22nd and 20th birthdays. respectively.)

Did I ever tell you about my first solo subway ride in NYC?

I arrived in New York on Valentines Day. It was a Saturday.

The next day I had a callback for Hairspray. I was venturing out on my first train ride alone. I got heavy instruction from Patric the night before. I brought my directions with me on notebook paper and walked down the steps into the underworld...also known as Metro Transit.

It was a Sunday morning and I guess some of my fellow transportees were just coming to after a rough Valentines Day night.

I slid onto a bench on the 6 and found myself not trying to stare at the long-haired hispanic man seated across from me. He was very, very chatty...but not with anyone who was actually present in the car. I'm not sure who it was he was talking to in his head but he felt very passionate about it. I kept thinking Please don't notice I'm here and I'm real...

I felt very...nervous.

When I arrived at my audition about a hundred of us were corralled into a holding room where I made friends with two queens. Yes, queens. There's no better word for these boys. Don't feel awkward.

I told them about my Millie-esque arrival in the City by train/bus the day before and how I was freaked out by the heavily intoxicated wilderness looking man on the subway just before. He could have had a gun for all I knew!

Queenie 1 goes: Drunk? Honey, he was cracked out. Welcome to New York.

It Will Be Beautiful

I totally have a thought and I am sincerely too tired to communicate well but I wanted to share the thought before it's gone.

My birthday is coming up in a week and a half. I tend to view birthdays as the 'new year' in the sense that i do a lot of reflection and self-evaluation, etc.

I was reading today about global warming and I read this thought that for all the time and energy we expend on 'saving the planet' and 'going green' how much have we thought to enjoy this gorgeous earth while we've got it?

And for me...


I'm only going to be in my 20's for a short time. I'm only going to have this healthy, young, bursting with energy body for a time. Why am I not enjoying the wonders of creation?

So one of my birthday resolutions (if you will) is to make an effort to take advantage of the landscapes of the earth in my 25th year. I'm not sure where it will take me. But I know it will be beautiful.

NY week 6! wow!

So I'm back in New York after a whirlwind weekend in Lynchburg. I was blessed enough to get to see not only dear old friends but also my parents and my sister who I didn't count on seeing again for a solid 6 months! We all got to share meals, laughs and great j crew sales. Even better we got to walk through a house my parents are making an offer on. After all the shit that happened in Nashville it is SO exciting and joyful to walk in an empty house that my parents can fill and live in and start. over.

I left Lynchburg beyond sleep deprived. 2 nights of 3 hours of sleep. It kinda makes you crazy. I really felt like I was in the twilight zone Monday afternoon when I got back to the City. Ya know those moments where you're like "Wait, is this a reality show. Where's the hidden camera? Seriously." That's so how I felt.

Yesterday I tried to make it up to an audition but overslept b/c I had forgotten to set my alarm. I ended up standing outside in line in the freezing cold for upwards of an hour. The security guard just stood on the other side of the glass in the empty lobby staring at us while my toes got so cold they were hurting.

It's moments like that that make me feel less romantic about New York.

Today I had a total of 3 hour or longer conversations about life and being 23 (24 in 2 weeks) and what city to live in and what ideologies to believe and whether or not to pursue graduate school or to pursue making real money or to pursue the art.

These years have to be the strangest most fulfilling exciting gut-wrenching years of our lives.

I'm trying to sincerely take this whole journey one step at a time...if I put it in writing it will be good. I am planning to definitely stay in New York through the end of May. I may (REALLY) kind of hate my job and hate crowds and hate dirty handrails. But I love this experience and the challenge and I will love having said I did it for more than 3 months. I also know that my values are changing and I may want something new and different soon. Something that is a big picture investment. Like grad school in a discipline I'd like to eventually teach?

And you may or may not be wondering about the door situation...

I'm presently staying at my uncle's totally charming apartment in cute Astoria. If you ever move to New York and can't afford hipster Brooklyn or ridiculously expensive too small Manhattan, Astoria is not far and the apartments are bigger and the streets are quiet in a good way. The kicker is that he has a spare bedroom so you know what that means. I am in a room of my own with a bed (not a futon or an air mattress) a desk and a DOOR!! I am so grateful for the space to be alone but I am still looking forward to the magical day when I will have my own rented door. It looks like it will be happening April 15th! It couldn't come soon enough.

In the mean time I'm trying to not let the fact that I'm without a place of my own break my spirit. If you have any positive vibes or encouraging thoughts feel free to send them this way. :-)

non-update.

still don't have time or energy for a lengthy post but i will say that for the first time in a long time I felt like God was speaking to me over the weekend. Maybe to you that sounds egocentric but I really think that if there is a God who is capable of executing every detail of our planet down to the fingerprints on your hands He is also capable of caring about you as an individual and wants you to have hope.

also it (KNOCK ON LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF WOOD) looks like i'll be making arrangements tomorrow night to move into a sublease quite soon! and i'll only be like 13 blocks from Patric's and more importantly only like, 3 blocks from China Moon. HOLLAR. Chicken and broccoli EVERYDAAAAYYYYY. I won't get sick of it. (Just ask Grace @ Tokyo's on Timberlake.)

I will also say that within the past week I have learned my limitations. I really don't have time to go through a personal crisis, find an apartment, work, audition, travel, stay up all night, eat unhealthy food, learn a new city, maintain friendships/relationships (I'm sorry for my long-distance friends who I haven't called since being here) AND make a good grade in my graduate class. Basically I'm just gonna have to make really good grades on every other class I take in the future to balance out this one. It is safe to say the choice was a bit audacious. I'm learning my lesson.

So much to blog about! So little time! The good news is that I have a 8 hour train ride on Monday where I can blog to my heart's content (how lame am i for just saying that?)

I am loving life and uncertainty and joe beans coffee and the crazy amount of wonderful people in lynchburg this weekend and 14 auditions in the next 15 days and turning 24 in 2 weeks!

I love you all.

and sidenote i love when people tell me in real life they have read my blog and know what's going on with me. it feels kind of like when people call me "Hil" for the first time. Like, awww we are best friends and you care!

Also, hello to the person who reads my blog from Norway!

That's all.

nyc.FOUR

My New Place!!! jk.

I have now been in NYC for a total of 25 days. Man, that doesn’t sound like long but it sure does feel like it. Maybe because it’s been the inundation of new places, smells, means of transportation, people, ways of life, languages, and living conditions. So much new at once makes the familiar seem like a past life.

For the first few weeks I was here I felt almost illogically joyous about NYC. Every train ride conquered, taxi hailed, and audition attended made me feel like I could do anything. As the weeks have worn on and money seems to be harder to come by then I once foresaw it truly is difficult to remain encouraged. Some days are clearly better than others. For me it’s a weird mix of hormone levels and actual circumstances. The waters of life could really be smooth sailing but if it’s that 1 day of the month one would think someone stole my kitten and punched my grandma. Perhaps that’s more information than you wanted…

That room of my own with 4 walls and a door remains illusive but I remain hopeful!

I really don’t fancy blogging about negative situations or worrisome thought so I will spin this in a positive analytical way.
It’s really interesting to see how I’ve evolved from this person who thrives on change and adventure and spontaneity and the unknown into a person who longs for the day when I lay my head on a pillow in a room that I can call my own that I intend to live in for at least a year in a city where I know I should be, going to work to do a job I feel fulfilled doing. There really are good reasons why most people live “normal” lives.

On the other hand….:-)

I wouldn’t trade this tumultuous time in Manhattan for anything. I love a challenge. And if that challenge is finding my way out of Queens (when I didn’t intend to arrive there) or if it’s figuring out a way to stretch a dollar (order the large portion from China Moon instead of the small because you get 3 meals for the price of 2!) both involve a bit of risk, adventure and scheming.

For me New York’s appeal before I moved here was that it really appeared to be the ultimate challenge. When I came to visit with my parents a year ago (perhaps you saw the “Trip of a Lifetime” photo albums on the Facebook) I had no intention of ever moving to this city. I remember my second visit to New York (the first when I was a toddler) when I was in 7th grade. It was the first time I saw a show on Broadway (Cats) and the first time I heard the words “Star Bucks” paired together. But the emotion that I felt most strongly about New York---believe it or not—was dislike! I was utterly overwhelmed by the materialism in the Big Apple. Too much expensive shopping for my 13-year-old taste I suppose.

While I was a kid who always dreamed of making a living being a performer I never wrapped my brain around the thought of actually moving to New York to go for it. That seemed like something other people did. People who grew up in musical families, people who were the stars of their college theatre shows, people from the North, people who weren’t Baptist, people who heck, at least majored in musical theatre?

But time and again over the past year doors have opened. Opportunities have presented themselves and well, the punch line is I’m living in New York City.

So since so many doors opened for this astounding opportunity I have to ask myself: What’s the point?

Being immersed in a culture that is so pervasively secular (Godless?) it is easy for the concept of God being intimately involved and interested in one’s life to seem truly foreign. But as a Believer I must cling to the hope that God cares. He cares that I don’t exactly know where I’m going to live in April. He cares that I feel the pull daily between the dream of getting married and raising a family and the dream of travel and performance. My friend Maura pointed out that perhaps God doesn’t care so much exactly what I choose to do but what kind of character I have doing it—just like my Dad.

And ultimately He loves me no matter what choice I make.

And if God really does believe in me and hope good things for me and support me like the father He’s blessed me with here on earth then I really do feel peace amidst the uncertainty and craziness.

I would still like a room of my own though—with a door.

An Open Letter to my Feet

Dear Feet,

Ok, fine. I'll be the first to say it.

I'm sorry for moving to New York.

I didn't really give you a heads up. But look at it this way, I didn't give anyone a heads up! I didn't condition you for the miles of pavement and cobblestone walking. I didn't buy you hiking boots or a bike. And I'm sorry about that. But the way you've developed this ridunkulous blister is just sort of awkward. I'm walking back and forth at Anthropologie at the pace of an 87 year old. How does that make me look? So can we please reconcile our differences? I promise to give you a pedi in Lynchburg next weekend. Eh?

Ever Grateful Yet Sore,
Hil

new york 3.0

Helloooo it’s me Hil reporting live from E. 87th and Lex. Sadly, I failed and didn’t write yesterday (But seriously I had 2 auditions and then worked from 5 pm to 11 pm. What do you want?) but here I am. Wednesday is almost Tuesday anyway, right?

Like many of you we had a snowstorm here in Manhattan over the weekend. Flurries of Sunday AM were charming. A foot of snow turned to slush on Monday was less charming.

Let’s back up and do a chronological report….

Last Wednesday-Friday I took the bus down to Washington for a callback I had for a show there. I got to spend some quality time with Leslie and feel a bit of non-New York shock (“It’s so QUIET here!!). By the time Friday rolled around I was ready to head back to the city.

I started work at Soho Anthro on Friday which has totally been a blessing. The work is mehhh because obviously its not challenging and I’ve been doing it (on and off) for almost 2 years. But make no mistake I am SUPREMELY GRATEFUL for having a job.

The awareness that has compounded my frustration is that I’ve done all this self-analysis for my organizational behavior class that tells me I need autonomy, a sense of contributing to a worthy cause and challenging projects to really enjoy my job. And those things, well, I’m not getting. I guess I should just view them as a trade off for getting to have the flexibility to attend auditions when I need to and getting to live in this unbelievable place.

(sidenote there is a man across the street right now with a cane and a cig that looks suspiciously like Johnny Cash. He’s even wearing black.)

Anyway.

I spent Saturday day writing a paper for my class and then Saturday night I got standing room tickets for West Side Story with Larry (who is in town auditioning for a few days) and my dearest Maura. The show was incredible and while I spent the first act on my tiptoes trying to peer through heads the size of Christmas trees during the second act Larry found me a sneaky spot in front of a column where I had a glorious view of the stage. I even had a little alone space to tear up during the sad parts. After it was over we went to this artsy bar/restaurant called Vintage. (So New York, right?)

Sunday I worked again in Soho and finished my paper. That’s sort of boring to write about…umm…

Oh yes, Monday I had planned to move into my sublet on the upper West side but then the blizzard of 09 hit so I stayed back at Patric’s and hung out with him and his roommate Nick and his girlfriend Melissa (who you might see on a new Clean & Clear commercial. It’s for Morning Burst. She dances in pajamas and slippers.) So we went to Serendipity to get dessert and ultimately got lunch and dessert (and I got 4 cups of coffee. He just kept filling it up! And I kept sipping!). I had a delicious broccoli cheese omelette and then we split this incredible Forbidden Broadway brownie ice cream sundae deliciousness. All the while we were sitting in a pink room telling funny stories with snow falling outside. It was such a good day. ☺

Yesterday I attended two auditions: one for Tokyo Disney and the other for a theatre in California. Then I worked last night at Anthro and our managers ordered pizza for us. (What? New York, everything is better here.)

Today I decided that I’m tired of having to wear a hat everywhere just because my head is cold. I’d rather wear it when I want to for fashion purposes. Spring can not come soon enough. I turn 24 in about a month and I hope that I’m not still all bundled up with frostbitten fingers.

Tonight I’m meeting my friend Hanley (ANOTHER dear friend who just moved here. I’m not kidding) for dinner in Hell’s Kitchen and then Patric and I are going to meet up with Maura and her boyfriend Anton to celebrate his birthday.

Oh and as far as moving goes I’m not moving until the weekend because my friends who I am subletting from are moving to Washington Heights this weekend. But do you know what this means for me?

Do you KNOW what this means for me?!

It means that I get 4 whole walls and my own…DOOR.
No living room living for this little gypsy. ;-)

I love NYC!

~Hil

mini-update cause it's not tuesday

Snow flurries in New York are just charming and picturesque (so far).
Small dogs on leashes are to New York what lizards are to Florida. (eeeeverywhere!)
Saw West Side Story on Broadway last night. So moving, so fantastic. I love art done with excellence!! [sidenote: I think the story moved me even more because I have puerto rican immigrant friends. it's amazing how far we've come with prejudice in this country...and yet how far we have to go...]
Taking a class online when I have the major distraction of New York City around me is a character builder.
I'm moving into my sublet tomorrow. Which means I no longer "live with friends." Which means I really live here.
Sometimes I really enjoy alone time.
I feel blessed.

nyc.2

Allie from "The City" on MTV

Today marks day 11 in the Big Apple. I kind of feel like weekly Tuesday updates are a good habit to start. New music comes out on Tuesdays. Why not blog entries?
Anyway.

I’m writing presently from a beautiful apartment in Tribeca. I’m sitting on a gorgeous cream modern sofa with all cream furniture, gorgeous dark hardwood floors and the most beautiful (can they be beautiful?) flat screen television I’ve ever seen. Through providential hook ups I knew someone who knew someone who needed a babysitter in New York so my first employment in the City was reading 4 and a half year old New Yorker Sophie Kaufman a few books before bed. She is adorable and full of life and she is just not one of those kids who is annoying—YAY!!

Today I also interviewed at the Anthropologie in Soho. Not only did they call me an hour later to tell me they want to hire me but they also emailed me my schedule for the next 5 weeks. At my other two Anthros that would’ve been nothing short of a fantasy. They’re giving me pretty decent hours and Soho is my absolutely favorite part of my favorite city. I feel pretty lucky. Speaking of the City, about a month ago I started watching “the Hills” spin-off “The City.” It was fun to watch and imagine living there and the people are beautiful and it’s a glamorous silly little reality show. I decided to make the City’s theme song my ring tone b/c it made me so excited about moving to New York. So, yesterday I was catching up with my show on mtv.com when I had a little downtime between my interview and an audition. After my audition I hopped on the R and decided to go to Herald Square to kill some time and explore a spot I hadn’t been to yet. So I get on my train (nothing unusual) and scan the other passengers (because New Yorkers are way too interesting not to scan) and I glance down at the other end of the train and there is Allie—one of the girls who is on THE CITY!! I was just watching her on my laptop that morning and there she was on my R train—in my same car?! What are the odds of that?!?

It totally made my day. I love this town.

What else…what else…

As far as learning my way around New York it’s pretty incredible how quickly I feel like I know where to go. I feel 95% confident that I could get anywhere in Manhattan fairly quickly. I got turned around for 2.5 seconds the day after I got here and haven’t messed up on getting anywhere since. Streets with numbers make a world of sense to me.

Ok let’s backtrack to things that happened last week…

Wednesday I got up and out of the house by 6 AM to attend some auditions. These were calls for members of Actors Equity, and then EMC (membership candidates—what I am) get seen if there are any available spots. So I got up at the crack stood outside in the cold from 7:30-8:30 and got told by 9 am they would only be seeing union actors. Awesome. So I shrugged my shoulders and headed a few blocks over to the Equity building. There were two auditions going on there that I felt pretty confident I’d get to audition for. Long story short by 3:45 I still hadn’t been seen and the monitors running the audition told me “It’s a no go.” While that might’ve been annoying I have 2 conclusions. 1) I would much rather make the effort and go to the auditions and know for certain that I would not get to be seen than sleep in and wonder if I had missed my big break b/c I was lazy. 2) I have a better chance of being seen when an audition is for specific characters as opposed to a whole season of shows b/c everyone comes out of the woodwork when there are all kinds of roles available.
It’s all strategy really.

So the next day I got up 30 minutes earlier (5:30 this time) and went down to audition again. This time it was for a musical version of “Little House On the Prairie” that has gotten a lot of buzz. Apparently Laura Ingles Wilder has a bunch of fans that I don’t know about. It’s at the best regional theatre in the country—Papermill Playhouse in New Jersey. It’s often referred to the closest theatre to Broadway that’s not on the island.

This weekend I also got to be a part of a Play Festival! It was all new works. It’s so random how this happened. I got an email a few days before I moved to NYC from a stage manager in Sarasota, FL at the Golden Apple Theatre. I auditioned there in August but don’t actually know anyone there. Apparently I was on their email list. They were asking if anyone knew a non-equity actress in the New York area. I was like…hmm..wait, WAIT THAT’S ME!!

So I emailed back and I got a call that evening. A mini-interview and then an offer. Just. Like. That. So this past weekend we rehearsed on Friday, had a tech rehearsal on Saturday and then performed on Sunday. The awkward part was that it was a 2 person play and the other person in the play was also my director. And as a youngest of two kid I sort of felt like I was getting bossed around by my big sister but it was only 3 days and I tried to compartmentalize and keep my annoyance level at a minimum. We are in control of our attitudes, aren’t we? How bout that.

I can say that I’ve really never been as nervous to perform as I was this past Sunday. Maybe because it was a straight play, maybe because I wasn’t sure I had adequately prepared, maybe because I knew my uncle and Bill were in the audience and I wanted to impress them or maybe because I was just performing for the first time in the theatre capital of the world. Whatever reason, I was a shaky thing on Sunday. BUT, it went off without a hitch! There’s really nothing like captivating an audience and being the catalyst for laughter. Nothing like it.

Sunday night I was supposed to be the life of the Oscar party going on at Patric’s apartment but I found myself working down to the wire on a paper for Organizational Behavior. I was assigned to figure out what my personality is, its functions in the workplace, and explain how by studying the materials I can interact better with other personalities and curb my weaknesses when it comes to being efficient. The ironic thing is that the description of my personality said that I procrastinate up to the last minute on projects and have a hard time finishing them. But that ENFP’s always do finish projects they just push it to the last minute.

My paper was due at midnight and I turned it in at 11:57.

The description said I also don’t like being “pegged.”

That’s true too. Dang it.

Monday I met Sophie’s mom Jill for coffee and then I met up with Katie Gray for lunch and a movie. We saw Slumdog Millionaire which was one of the most captivating films I‘ve watched in a long time. Dev Patel the guy who played Jamal has such amazingly honest (perfect for film) eyes. I was mesmerized by the cinematography, direction, acting, use of music and script. I’m so glad a story that praises integrity has had so much success.

I think that’s all for now…if you have read this whole thing and made it all the way down here I am impressed. This was a bit wordy but I hope you feel adequately caught up. Here’s a parting question…

What if it’s not as difficult as you think it is?

nyc.1

Hello.

I’m writing this evening from my friend’s apartment on the East side of Manhattan at 60th and 2nd. If you didn’t know, when rattling off locations like that it’s always the street first, avenue second. Little NYC tidbit for ya…

I’M IN NYC!!!!!!!!

Just got here Saturday. I took the train from Lynchburg to DC (which I will say, was delightful in that it arrived an hour early and I slept the ENTIRE way) then I took a bus from DC to NYC—which only cost $20! Totally worth it. Bolt Bus free wireless!

Sunday morning I had a callback for the national tour of Hairspray. We did the same dance I learned at the callback in Atlanta—which is such a good thing b/c I’m like mentally handicapped when it comes to learning new choreography. I rocked it out and the choreographer and directors seemed to really enjoy me. I didn’t get asked to stay and read this time which was kinda a bummer. But I found out later from my friend who is on the tour that they’re simply not looking to immediately hire girls. So it wasn’t my talent that kept me from getting a job immediately it was simply that there wasn’t anything available that I’d be right for. Wah wah.

Sunday afternoon Patric and I went over to Union Square and to Soho. Both of those areas I reallllly like. In Union Square we stopped by “Crumbs” a fantastic little cupcake bakery. And if yall know me well you know that icecream gets thumbs down but cake/cupcakes/brownies/cookies get BIG THUMBS UP! So we got delicious gourmet cupcakes and ate them in the park and watched dogs do funny things.

Then we went on to meet up with some friends in Soho. I got to see the Soho Anthro which was nice but not the most exciting Anthro I’ve been to (I’ve yet find one cooler than the one in Nash). We also went in some other designer stores and we ran into Josh Hartnett and Sabra who won “So You Think You Can Dance” last year.

Yesterday I spent the middle of the day at a Starbucks on 87th and Lex working on some classwork for my first graduate business class. It’s called Organizational Behavior and it’s basically all about psychology in the workplace. I love when theoretical meets practical. It’s actually useful! Then last night I ventured over to the upper west side where I am likely subleasing in March. The apartment comes fully-furnished and includes a bulldog named Hoover. He’s funny and hopefully he won’t eat me.

Today I’ve spent my time with one of my best friends Katie Gray who also just moved here. We both moved to New York from Nashville independently. I did on Saturday and she did yesterday. Crazy right? We went to an American Apparel and a brick-oven pizza place and we got a subway map. I’m learning I prefer buses to subways. I like to see everything I’m passing even if it’s a slower mode of transportation. When you’re not in a rush you’re not in a rush, ya know?

Now I’m blogging to you b/c I was reading “Type At Work” and it was making me drowsy. Tomorrow I am going to hurry up and wait at an equity audition for a theatre season in Pennsylvania. It’s a union call and since I’m not in the union it means I might get seen. I’m taking a book and using my time practically though. I just hate that I have to get up at 6 to maybe get seen for an audition. It’s the price you pay though. Tomorrow night Patric and I are reuniting with our friend Maura who lives on the upper west side. Then Thursday I have some more auditions and I need to write a paper for my new class. And then I’m tied up most all of the weekend with my play reading for the “Zero to Sixty in One Page” play festival. I perform there on Sunday. Pretty stoked. Oh and I also get to see my friend Ale from Orlando who is in town for a callback for the Broadway show “In the Heights.”

And that concludes my first New York update! Holla back!

The Itinerary

Nashville Today-February 9th
DC February 10th & 11th
Lynchburg February 12th & 13th
New York February 14th until ???

Change

A friend of mine recently pointed out that I am unusually keenly aware of change.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like it?

I don’t mind evolution. I don’t mind change in a growing way…I just hate finality: breakups, permanent moves, death.

My parents are moving. And for the past 4 months I’ve been living in the room I grew up in. I started officially packing up today. This has been the one room I’ve lived in for the majority of the last 12 years. And when you’re 23, well that’s more than half your life.

I started going through my bookshelf and putting things in boxes. Most every book brought back a memory. Reading “Number the Stars” in middle school…graphic design books from college…theology notes from a summer leadership seminar in highschool…there’s a lot of life on that book shelf.

Here’s the thing that it all comes down to. I know when things will never again be the same. I can feel it like, in my bones. And this is one of those times. My parents are moving to Lynchburg. There is going to be a house that they will make a home and it will be their home but it won’t be mine. This yellow room I’m in right now feels like my room because I grew up in it. Nothing like that will exist in Lynchburg. No memories or childhood attached to the rooms there. Of course it will be the one house in the world where I will feel more welcomed than any other, but it won’t be my ‘home.’

So for the first time I’m really going to have to make my house my home. First I’ll have to find one. Then one day it will really be my home.

Wow isn’t growing up weird?

From the movie Garden State:

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Can't stop watching this...

Spring Awakening Closes.

Spring Awakening, a really thought provoking show I saw less than a month ago on tour, closed on Broadway yesterday. In its first year it swept the Tony awards and has had a lot of success. It played its last performance on Broadway yesterday--which is pretty unusual for such a successful show--Rent, its predecessor, played 12 years to SA's 2. I found the transcript online from the producers' speech after the performance was over. I wanna share this part with you:

"Believe me, we are saving the best for last but before we do, the other thing the Atlantic helped us with was to assemble a brilliant creative team, and with us here tonight is our extraordinary music director Kimberly Grigsby. Our resident director Bea Terry is here. But most noticeably absent tonight is our design team - our choreographer Bill T. Jones, his associate, and our director Michael Mayer. They are in London in final tech rehearsals for the launch of Spring Awakening, the British version, so they couldn't be with us, and we send them our boundless thanks for their inspired work and in return they sent their love to all tonight in the form of a lyric, which before we turn this over to the founders of our feast, I will read. It's written by a theatre songwriter — it's from Anything Can Whistle:

'With so little to be sure of,
If there's anything at all.
If there's anything at all,
I'm sure of here and now and us together.
Thanks for everything we did,
Everything that's past,
Everything's that's over too fast.
None of it was wasted,
All of it will last:
Everything that's here and now and us together.
It was marvelous to know you
And it isn't really through.
Crazy business this, this life we live in-
Can't complain about the time we're given-
With so little to be sure of in this world,
We had a moment.
A marvelous moment.'

So I spent the week back in Lynchburg where I graduated from college almost 2 years ago. Here's what I noticed:

the people on campus are young. quite a bit younger than me. and back in the day, they seemed old. weird.

i had a bit of culture shock going back to it's-cool-and-popular-to-be-a-conservative-christian world. i have seen so much of the real world since 05/07. my little quote from benjamin button at the top of the screen really holds true.

lynchburg isn't a bad place to live. it's just smaller. less commercialism, less nightlife, less going on in general. its not necessarily bad, it's just less.

and there's nothing innately ghetto about downtown lynchburg...it's more run-down than ghetto.

college kids get stressed out and worked up about generally less important (trivial?) things than adults do. calm down about not getting the lead. and quit whining about the guy who has gotten all the leads that you wanted. you'll regret all the breath, energy, and thought you gave to it. your time in college--especially in the world of college theatre--is a blip on the map of life. it doesn't define your talent and it doesn't determine if you'll have a successful career. what you can learn from it? life is not always fair. work hard.

For the first time in...perhaps a year, maybe less...I felt deeply moved in a corporate worship service the other night.

This isn't because I haven't longed for a stirring in my soul. It's because I've felt like there was so much mess...so many freakin hurdles to cross to have a meaingful moment with God in public. If it wasn't people storming the altar (in a bad way) at Two Rivers it was terrible music and trite preaching somewhere else. Church and I have had quite the year. And in so, God and I.

My moment came last Wednesday night at a Liberty campus worship service. Pretty simple moment really. We started singing a song with this lyric:

Jesus You are the difference in my life

A complicated existence began to shape into a pretty simple one. The difference in my life, the hope that I live for starts and ends with Jesus. It's so not cool. I know. Attaching yourself to the word "Jesus" gives people license to make all these terrible assumptions about you. But the bottom line is that Jesus IS the difference in my life. And there's nothing I'm more grateful for.

Things Learned in 2008

I wrote a similarly titled list last year. Initially I didn’t feel particularly inspired to recount the things I had learned this past year but once I sat and thought a list came. And here ya have it.

1. When having disagreements with roommates it is better to communicate then not. When I was living in Florida in the fall of 2007 I had a terribly non-communicative living situation. It was basically 2 against 2. Instead of confronting roommates about things they did that I thought were selfish and inconsiderate I ended up venting to my other roommate. Eventually the roommate who was in the wrong found out about my issue and decided to play the victim. In short, it would’ve been better if I just communicated clearly in the first place. I have this thing about preferring to be liked than not and in turn I avoid confrontation at all costs. Sometimes honest conversation is just the better thing. Because nothing gets resolved when you don’t talk. And btw, this counts for 2008 because this concept didn’t hit me until months later.
2. When someone shows you who they are believe them. This is a phrase coined by Maya Angelou that I had heard but never really resonated with me. I learned this year if you have a friend who you’ve seen have repeated issues with other friends eventually that friend will have the same issue with you. When people show you their character you have to recognize it and you can’t fault them for it later. Friend at your own risk! And if you don’t think that kind of behavior is something you want in a close friend then put a little distance there and invest elsewhere.
3. Playing peacemaker usually leads to drama. I know this sounds like a 10th grade realization but when I saw two friends have a miscommunication in the past I (being the communications major or future counselor or whatever) always wanted to play mediator to help the situation resolve itself. 9.9 times out of 10 this leads to getting roped into the situation and all of a sudden someone has a problem with you. Not worth it. Don’t become involved whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or working relationship. Don’t. Get. Involved.
4. I want a dog.
5. When you are young (especially in your career) is the time to decide how you’re going to do things. In April I had to stand up to a scary boss at a theatre and tell him that there were lines I wasn’t willing to say because they were offensive to me. I almost lost my job over this situation. But losing my integrity and self-respect would have been incredibly worse.
6. Being a Mom is freaking hard work. It’s something I want in my life SOMEday but doesn’t have nearly as much appeal as being married does. You can still be young and awesome and exciting when you’re married. Being a parent is when legit responsibility, selflessness and butt-wiping comes in. No thanks!! (For now.) Preschoolers are more than cute short people with chubby cheeks that say funny things. They are human beings that have been entrusted to YOUR care. Wowwie.
7. Being transient is fun but really not practical for putting roots down, developing relationships or making money. In order to find success in any one theatre scene I have to commit to it. This year I really want to commit to one location by the end of the year. Is this a resolution?
8. Physical closeness is basically always nice but it’s much MUCH MUUUUUCH nicer with someone you love. How’s that for inconspicuous?
9. Friendships evolve and it doesn’t have to be sad. Sometimes two friends grow apart because of circumstances. It doesn’t mean you love them less. It just means they’re married and have a 9-5 and a fence and a dog and you have a suitcase a Betsey dress and no boyfriend. It’s ok to not be in the same place in life and recognize you have less in common. That’s life.
10. Mint.com is freaking awesome.
11. Picnik.com is also freaking awesome.
12. Politics are both important and fascinating. And I judge people who are apathetic. And I judge people with ignorant arguments even more. I do. I said it!
13. I crave companionship—which may not sound like much but IS! For a year I wanted to play the field not find 1 playmate. That’s changed.
14. You can find all kinds of interesting ways to make money on the internet. You just need to look.
15. The more I learn about the performing arts the more my curiosity and interest grows in expanding other areas of performing. I want to become a great Shakespearean actress. I want to be comfortable with improv. I’m interested in acting for the camera.
16. In the same vein, I’m evolving into a person who doesn’t have to be a professional performer to feel cool. I just need work that is stimulating. Finger-spacing the hangers at Anthropologie doesn’t count. And making pennies freelance writing doesn’t count either.
17. I want to be in a relationship where I’m wanted. I don’t want to try to force a relationship where the guy likes me pretty much. But also I don’t want to get in a relationship with someone just because he thinks I’m awesome. I want mutual adoration. Somehow in my experience this has been semi-difficult to locate. Mutual adoration FTW.
18. Acting for children is really rewarding. In the world of professional theatre, children's theatre is the type of theatre that seems to be least preferable. But not for me! Exposing children to the arts and spurring their imaginations seems essential to excellent education. I remember the first professional theatre performance I saw--the national tour of Phantom of the Opera when I was in the 3rd grade. It was the beginning of something huge for me.
19. My success/failures in performing aren’t a good thermometer to take the temperature of my talent. Me being in the right place, at the right time, with the right look and the right talent is a good indication of my talent. Rejection shouldn’t tell you how talented you are. In the same way neither should success.

2008 in Numbers

More reflections to come but for now...

Trips to Orlando: 8

Performances on a stage: 95

Auditions attended: 26

Wigs worn: 4

Employers: 9

Trips to New York: 2

Dinners with Broadway stars: 2

Callbacks for a national tour: 1

Boyfriends: 0

Trips to the White House: 2

Books completely read: 4

Books started: 8 (that I can remember)

Moves: 2

Months I had to pay rent: 0

Relaying principles to the barely potty-trained and alien detection

When you're just the babysitter is it really worth it to try and teach the tike a life-lesson? Can a babysitter really instill values in a kid? Today I went toe-to-toe with a 3-year-old and though I didn't budge I still wonder if I should've just let her eat more raisins...it's clear that her defiance usually gets her the raisins...

Today I also made some money by participating in a psychology study over at Vandy where I (not kidding) had to sit in front of a screen and detect aliens. I was supposed to figure out which aliens were "Mabs" and which were "Nogs" or something like that. I didn't figure out any pattern and it made me a little suspicious that the exercise was really a test to see how many times it would take me to press the space bar in a warm, quiet room to fall asleep. I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around 275.

Also I have been working like a disney entertainment cast member...and by that I mean indentured servant...I've been averaging about 10 hours per day the past few days. Interesting thing, the more I work the more energy I have...lately I had been battling this consistent tired thing but lately I've been too busy to be tired. Kinda reminds me of college or something.

Ps within the next week I get to do great things, ready? Christmas with my immediate family, a reunion with my dad's family (all the cousins have not been in the same room in over 8 years), get to see one of my best friends get married, get to go see Spring Awakening (that's great with my favorite person (that's great too!), get to roadtrip with fun friends, and get to spend New Years Eve with my nearest and dearest!! That's alot to look forward to. :)

Do you like my festive Christmas background?!?

So I'm combating my child-allergy with a 1-2 punch: gummy vitamins & lots of purell. We'll see if I can sleep the whole night tonight without being woken up by coughing fits. Per my mother's advice I'm doing some research on ways to build one's immune system. Mine definitely needs some help. Clearly.

Have you heard? My parents are moving to Virginia (my life is so circular...cyclical? what do i really mean?). First I go to college there, then my sister goes to law school there, then my dad goes to teach there? Who knew? We will see how this transition unfolds...hopefully everyone will love their lives. That's all I really care about.

Also, I resonated with this quote I read the other night:

"When you come to know God by experience, you will be convinced of His love. When you are convinced of His love, you can believe Him and trust Him. When you trust Him, you can obey Him. When you trust Him, you have no problem obeying Him. 'For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome' (1 Jn. 5.3)." --Blackaby & King

I know 2 different people who got nominated for 2 different Grammy awards. Weird, yet cool. I wish success once removed brought in commission.

I am still lo lo loving Lauren Winner's book "Girl Meets God." And still not done. Kind of a slow reader. Learned that the summer in Colorado when my daily (hours long) reading assignments were completed hours after my roommates. I'll diagnose it as mild add. I have to read the same paragraph over and over sometimes because my thoughts have drifted to formulating lists in my head or fantasizing about Adam Brody or brownies.

Speaking of food I have this new MYSTERIOUS side-job where I get paid to eat. AWESOME. Can't give you the details though. Sorry.

I am beginning to get restless for a real job--and by real job I mean real paycheck. Normalcy is sounding more and more appealing...it may take me awhile to get there logistically but a dog, a 1 year lease and a committed relationship all sound sort of appealing. sort of...

Allergic to children?

I began babysitting again for the first time since highschool (basically) last month. Since then, every time I babysit children within days I get sick. I have gotten ear infections, colds, stomach viruses, and now a sinus infection. I think I'm very not-used-to kid germs.

Or I'm allergic to children.

Lately...

What do you see off in the distance in Nashville?
Hills. Typically, beautiful rolling hills.
What do you see off in the distance in Orlando?
Something large, tacky, and blinking. It could be a ferris wheel or it could be McDonalds. You just never know.

Lauren Winner is my literary soulmate. Or maybe just soulmate.

The Jonas brothers have amazing style. I wonder who puts together their clothes. I either want to date one of the Jonas brothers or their stylist.

Tonight I am grateful for my religion. I am so grateful for the peace that comes from prayer and reading God's word. Life can really get overwhelming at times and the Bible and prayer lighten the load. I am so grateful. I have many friends and family who don't have faith to lean on during hard times. I can't imagine how sorrowful it must be. Life is meant to be filled with the light of God and hope. I am so thankful to know that.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

"For we are His creation--created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance for us." Eph. 2:10

"I am an unceasingly spiritual being with an eternal destiny in God's great universe." -Dallas Willard

Wednesday I am returning to my alma mater DCA for Career Day 2008. Indeed. They have asked me to return to talk to the tikes about a career in the performing arts. It should be a really interesting experience. I'll report back after it's over.

"She yearned to travel and write great books." -Louisa May Alcott

I've been home approximately one week and 3 days and I'm already scheming up my next 4 travel adventures. They are primarily on a small scale but they put me on the road nonetheless. Oh what I would give to just travel and not have to be concerned with finances. Something about the open road and travel...it's just, well, my favorite. If you haven't heard about "Spain: On the Road Again" you are seriously missing out. It is a documentary-style show on PBS in which Gwyneth Paltrow and chef Mario Batalli roadtrip across Spain dining as they go...

My next travels (chronologically):
-Lynchburg this weekend where many of my favorite people are converging claiming to celebrate their 'alumnus' status (but really just wanting to see friends)

-3 weeks later doing a day trip to Atlanta to see my friend Cheryl perform in Thoroughly Modern Millie

-A few days later going to Orlando for Disney audition

-A week and a half later going to Philly and DC with Ash!

Maybe I'll do Spain in 09...

On a separate, less analytical note, today I went to the memorial service of a mother of dear friends of mine-Vicki Foltz. She was driving either to or from one of her daughter's wedding showers on Friday night when she suffered a brain aneurysm. A woman in seemingly perfect health one minute was gone the next.

Vicki was a brilliant artist. She was one of the first directors I ever worked with--a ten-year-old version of me performed in shakespeare's 'midsummer night's dream' if you can imagine that! I remember as a kid looking up to her and thinking, "Wow, I wanna do something like what she does one day!" I wasn't around tons of women in the arts so Vicki always inspired me.

Years later Vicki's life has made an imprint on hundreds through her plays, classes, and music. The people she has most impacted though are her kids. I've been friend with Brandon, Tyler and Cameron since I was about seven or eight. Cameron spoke today about how her Mom was her rock. She always lended an ear and spoke truth into her life. And also blessed her family with great home-cooked meals and many, many laughs.

What a legacy. Parenting is clearly hard work. I observed that firsthand last week. But it is also the single greatest way to invest in lives. Tonight when I had the joy of sitting down to a meal with my mom and dad I looked at the home-cooked lasagna in front of me differently. How many countless meals has my mom prepared? All with love. And a servant's heart. What a gift.

Motherhood 101

Last week I had the privilege of accompanying 7 people between the ages of 6 months and 5 years old to the beach. 3 sets of parents came along too. Throughout the 8 day/8 night excursion I experienced many a wake up call, surprising moment, and new perspective. The following are a few observations I made on the trip.

OBSERVATION 1-Kids develop unique personalities insanely early. This seems sort of obvious but it is so interesting to see two preschoolers who live in the same environment have literally converse personalities. People are in part a product of their environment and the genetic traits they inherit but also just come out of the womb with distinction. Birth order has something to do with it...but some of it is literally just the specific personality God gives each of us.

OBSERVATION 2-This is linked to observation 1. Previously when I've encountered a child with an unbecoming personality trait I consciously or sub-consciously blamed the parents. It was somehow their fault. A kid with a sour disposition cannot be 100% blamed on a parent's childrearing.

OBSERVATION 3-Parenthood can be increasingly less stressful when finances are not an overwhelming concern. This makes sense. It's one less thing to worry about.

OBSERVATION 4-Oh. This is a biggie. Maybe the most noteworthy thing I recognized for the first time in my life. (Which is ridiculous by the way.)

MOTHERS DO THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE WORK.

Which leads to my conclusion that wives should have the ultimate say on how many kids to have.

OBSERVATION 5-To decide to have kids you must be so completely overwhelmed with the desire to have children that you are ready to give up all self-focus. You are no longer "[Insert name here.]" You are Mommy. So you better be ready. It's a whole life shift.

OBSERVATION 6-The constant supervision and care that small children need can be utterly exhausting. Sleep never feels like enough.

OBSERVATION 7-A good husband/father makes parenthood so much more enjoyable (bearable?). If they have the desire to pitch in and help and then actually do it the whole experience is improved for the mother by leaps and bounds.

OBSERVATION 8-Potential for being a good father (or mother) should be among the criteria considered in dating. Parenthood is for a majority of people a huge aspect of life. Marrying someone who would make a good father or mother is critically important.

OBSERVATION 9-The week at the beach severely diminished my (perhaps) romanticized view of parenthood. Taking care of kids 24/7 is a much more serious task than babysitting for a few hours. I was reminded that every season of life has joys and perks. Parenthood is something amazing in its time. I look forward to being equipped and ready when the day comes. For now I'm happy with my graham cracker-less life.

Summing It All Up

"When I reach the end of my days, a moment or two from now, I must look backward on something more meaningful than the pursuit of houses and land and stocks and bonds. I will consider my earthly existence to have been wasted unless I can recall a loving family, a consistent investment in the lives of people, and an earnest attempt to serve the God who made me. Nothing else makes much sense." ~James Dobson

The little things...

It has been a number of months since I had the fiscal flexibility to buy extras. It's been a choice based on my values. When I decide I want something to work I make it work. If I want to travel I figure out how to afford it. Because of that kind of mentality I had to trim some less important things. Now I'm back at home (where expenses are minimal) and now I have the money to not only save, go out to eat as well as see a movie (these 2 were mutually exclusive for awhile). But I can also afford (drum roll please...)

to buy songs on itunes again!!

What to buy you ask?

I don't know if its being back in Nash, or the evolution of country music, or my new friend Mark but...I'm buying some country...that is if you consider Darius Rucker and Taylor Swift 'country' Or my friend Hillary's (Lady Antebellum) new single. I'm also buying that Pink song b/c 1) i love a good catchy feminist rock anthem and 2) i just learned a really sweet hiphop dance to it at vandy on monday which i can bust out anywhere and surprise people by just how straightTHUG i can break. I'm also currently enjoying the Kings of Leon, lovebug (the only song) by the jonas brothers. Of course I'm going to finally catch up on some of my typical piano rock (Coldplay and my fave liberty band bosc). Ah, its just nice to refresh the old ipod. Don't you just hate it when you feel like you have nothing exciting to listen to? And with my new daily 40 minute 8 AM commute I need some decent music to get me through. Woody and Jim are just not cutting it.

Employed!

I found work! I'm going to be holding down the fort on the administrative front part-time at Select Staffing. I went there to get a temp job and they offered me one at their office. On the spot. I called them Wednesday and they offered me a job that day and I started Thursday. Gotta love that! They're fully aware that I'm only staying til Christmas and they're cool with that. The people are nice, the work is actually semi-fulfilling, and the location is cool. It's on the 2nd floor of a shopping center on West End. Walking distance to the Parthenon and Bread and Company. Two very important places. Right by Maggie-Moo's. Also, I'm gonna do the beach thing for a week in October. Hang out with cute kids, lounge on the beach, make a little money. I'm really pumped because I love the little people but I'm rarely around any. I'm also gonna start back at Anthro part-time starting mid-October. Just in time for Christmas. :-)

How bout this a-mazing fall weather?! I totally missed fall last year. I was in Florida from June til December. I went straight from Summer to Winter. I definitely felt like I had missed out on something. Makes me that much more aware and grateful for the beautiful shift in the seasons I'm experiencing now. Mazel Tov!

Musings on unemployment, people, and "home"

Hey hey blog world.

I have been itching to write but for the past week or so had determined that I had no news for you. Nada.

*Before I start I have to tell you that I happen to be watching G's to Gents on tv right now and they are having breakdowns. And g's + breakdowns = justawkward.

Anyway.

The item of business that has been occupying my time/thought/attention/obsession lately is work. I have decided to stay in Nashville from now until Christmas time. This appears to be the perfect time to work alot and save alot before a potential move in early '09 (Fla or NY or Youneverknowtiligo).

To give myself a personal pep talk as well as let you in on the many, many positions for which I've been applying I am displaying them in list form.

Jobs applied for:
-Server at Cheesecake (even though I’ve never been a waiter)
-Anthro (well I gave them availability)
-J. Crew (although I didn’t follow up later)
-A smile model for an expo this weekend
-A hostess for a construction company's skybox at the titans stadium
-a receptionist position
-portrait model for photography class
-human resources assistant for macy’s
-actress in music video
-actress in another music video
-extra in ‘restaurant footage’ (I don’t know what for)
-assistant at a real estate office in hillsboro village
-brand ambassador
-data entry clerk

I've applied for all these within the past 5 days so hopefully. something. will work out. soon.

I just can't handle a purposeless life! Now I feel like I need to counter that with a positive statement: I have been blessed to be in my parents house where rent is free, coffee is made before I wake up, and the kitchen is always open (so to speak). Also I've been able to do some things for friends and family who need the extra help. That's been nice too. But now I'm ready to work. Work work work. I haven't had a 'day job' since December '07 and I've decided that if I'm going to be in Nashville and not acting for the next 3 months I am going to take dance classes, go to yoga/pilates consistently, travel at least once a month, and make some good money. So now that I've decided that...it's time to get to work! Ugh!

Oh. Also. I made another list (I like lists. ALRIGHT.) that are positions I'm considering applying for (if you have feedback, by all means throw it back):

-a family from Two Rivers asked if I wanted to go along with them to Destin and help watch the kids for a week in October
-server at CPK
-trying to get my foot in the door doing session work
-(tryingtogetmyfootinthedoor) recording demos
-signing with a talent agency where I would be an extra in films
-substitute teaching
-tutoring
-teaching guitar lessons
-providing coaching for high school seniors putting together a college theatre program entrance audition
-nannying? (although I would only like that if it paid better than what babysitters make)

So that's whats going on with me. Few epiphanies lately. My mind has primarily been occupied by a job. Although I have been thinking a few deep-ish thoughts:

1. It's not fair for kids (especially adult kids) to be guilted into making decisions based on the issues of their parents. If a parent does that, they are selfish.
2. Are relationships always salvageable? If you've gone through the ringer with someone, can you eventually have an ideal relationship?
3. I feel like the concept of having my own place and signing a year lease sounds fantastic. But maybe as long as I had a few months of notice, I wouldn't mind continuing the vagabond life. I think I just like a plan. But shopping at Ikea does sound so dreamy. I haven't lived in one spot for more than 4 months since 2004. Picture that.

That's all for now.

So I 'redesigned' the blog to make it reflect me a little bit more. Blogger gives you limited options but i still like this better than before. What do you think?

It seems that I'm going to be spending most of my time in Nashville until the holidays roll around. I'm kind of glad too! I haven't lived in this town for more than a month at a time since 2004. I'm ready to re-embrace Music City.

I'm also compiling a list of goals for the upcoming months. That will be shared TBA.

That blog on God that I was supposed to write a few days ago...

I'm not going to add much commentary to the notes I've already taken because I'm starting to make myself late so I gotta go. :) Happy Friday people.

A few thoughts from my journal (written while I was overlooking the Gulf of Mexico):

What is my religion about?

I tend to live as if it is about me, about what God can do or wants to do through me.

My religion must be about worshipping a God who deserves to be worshipped.

Other things will fall into place if my religion is about God.

May I have worshipful moments daily.
Meditation on Truth will help me stay centered and peaceful.

The Heart of Worship is about recognizing the glory of the God who created the earth.

* * * *

A few notes from church at Midtown Fellowship last Sunday (sorry the organization is poor):

Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
-Mother Theresa

Phillipians 1

Love with abundance and discernment

Love growing in knowledge and discernment so that you can determine what really matters and can be pure and blameless in the day of Christ

You can read scriptures 2 ways:

1) Asking what must I do?

2) Being in awe of what God has done

vs 11) filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God

If we are in Christ we have already been filled.

Right relationship with Christ isn’t about what I did but about what CHRIST did!

“Before we can break commandments 2-10 we have to break #1.” –Martin Luther

*Running to sin is not believing God’s overflowing unconditional love for me.

Christ is not just a model for how to do life. We have been changed by him—“No longer I but Christ in me!”

Fido, Waterguns, and Friendlationships

I write to you today from my favorite coffeeshop in the world. And by world I mean...

World.

Fido.

And I just found out (I'm such a Cha-Cha'er) why it's called Fido anyway. Humor me and read the following:

"According to legend, coffee was discovered in the Sixth Century by an Ethiopian goat herder who was trying to find food for his herd during a long drought. We figure that Kaldi must have had a dog. We named our cafe "Fido" after this heroic dog unjustly overlooked by history. (It didn't hurt to have a really cool old neon dog sign on our roof to provide us with an almost free logo)."

Freakin awesome.

Anyway, I've been having one of those weeks where thoughts have been swirling around in my mind so much for the past few months that they are beginning to actually make sense and explode out of my ears like waterguns. (my ears being the waterguns) I'm talking strong waterpressure too. There are so many thoughts shooting out I'm actually talking about being a human double barrel watergun as opposed to discussing the thoughts themselves.

The point?

Ever since my first return home from college in 2003 Nashville has been a place where the dust settles and I get clarity. The longer I stay away the weirder it is coming back here. The less familiar, the more it seems like a past life...etc...As I've gotten older rather than be a place that brings clarity like it did when I was 18 it reminds me of how much I've grown up, changed, how much I've seen, experienced, lived.

It's wild.

And coming back and being around people who knew me in the 90's or Y2K or whatever remind me just how far i've come...or gone? It's wonderful to be loved just because. Not because of what you do or what you say or what you've accomplished or who you've impressed. Just because you're family, or friends or a child of God. Ya know?

This week my friend David (who's AWESOME) moved to Nashville. He's like my first college friend who has relocated to Nashville. Nashville is akin to Antebellum America and David represents like...FDR. It's kind of cool to have someone from your new life infiltrate your old. You know what i mean?

Here's another weird thing about my life right now...as of this week I officially don't know what anything in my future holds as far as work and living location next week. This weekend I'm going to an audition that I hope will nail me a job or two for the upcoming months. If it were the right situation it could be anywhere. Theatres in Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, the North (we'll lump that together), Disney, cruiselines...they will all be there hiring.

I've also recently recognized that my values in life are somewhat paradoxical. I value consistency but spontaneity. Commitment but freedom. Adventure but routine. Dependability but surprise. Marriage but singleness. The open road yet home. I think I've decided what i 'really want' in life will smack me in the face one day and I'll go "Ohhhh..."

Also, I've come to be a fan of politics. So weird right? Once upon a time I really could care less. This Presidential election is so fascinating to me. The history making candidates are so exciting. I hope the economy experiences an upturn after the election. I think it will. I think Sarah Palin is cool and I wish her daughter weren't pregnant. I know (on a suuuuper small scale) what it's like to be in a fish bowl and I'm thinking this situation suuuuucccckkkkssssssss for her. So I'm thinking of her. I'm impressed she is keeping the baby and manning up. I hope her mom is the VP. And I hope we get out of Iraq soon.

Do you think guys and girls can't be friends? I read a great article about the importance of same-sex friendships and I loved it until it was used against me. I think you can be friends with members of the opposite sex. I know intersex friendships can result in pain sometimes...and my heart really aches about that one. I know what it's like to feel rejected, hurt and disappointed. And I hate that anyone ever feels that way. Why can't we just be perfect, mmmmmm???

Whenever I finally have a yard of my own I'm gonna plant a garden.

Also, I've been chewing on the fact that my religion isn't about me. When I read the Bible I tend to read it like this:

(Hilary opens Bible)

Hilary thinks: Ok God, what do you want me to do?

When in fact I should be reading it like this:

(Hilary opens Bible)

Hilary thinks: Ok God, show me who you are!

See the difference?

I heard a great sermon on Sunday at Midtown Fellowship. I'm gonna point out some of my favorite points with my pointer finger to you (the pointee). I'm just kidding...i just got on a roll...anyway I was about to quote the message here but i want to get it exactly right which involves me going home and opening my journal. Ok...I'm going home before rush hour gets crunk...

Worry--The Opposite of Rest

Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. ~ God is for me. ~ Stand true to what you believe. Be courageous. Be strong. ~ Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you wil eat or what you will drink...Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?...Do not worry...But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow. ~ When someone arrests you, don't worry about what you will say or how you will say it. At that time you will be given the words to say. But you will not really be the one speaking. The Spirit from your Father will tell you what to say. ~ My Spirit remains among you. Do not fear. ~ He will...strengthen you to the end. ~ [May he] establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.
1 Chron 28:20; Ps. 56:9; 1 Cor. 16:13; Matt :25,27,31,33-34; Matt. 10:19-20; Hag. 2:5; 1 Cor. 1:8; 1 Thess 3:13

The very essence of anxious care is imagining that we are wiser than God. When we worry, we put ourselves in his place and try to do for him what he intends to do for us. --Charles Haddon Spurgeon

It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from God. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life. --Oswald Chambers

Dreaming the dream of God is not for cowards. --Joey Johnson

Who Should You Vote For?

http://www.whoshouldyouvotefor.com/

Some of us don't feel like we wholeheartedly agree with either candidate. I feel like I've chosen one but if someone were to ask me my opinion on every single platform issue I'm not sure I could give a good answer. This quiz helped me realize my weak points when it comes to what I actually know and/or care about the candidates. If you haven't picked someone or can't give solid detailed answers for WHY you're supporting one...take this quiz!

Deb Knoske Photography

Here's a few snapshots I got taken a couple weeks ago. Whoot!

Tales from a gypsy...

Important info!!!!!!!!

I am now a ChaCha (www.chacha.com) Guide. ChaCha is this fanfreakintastic FREE service where you text ChaCha (242-242) and ask her any question you have on your mind. ie: Who has won the most olympic medals in one Olympics? or When is the President and Mrs. Bush's wedding anniversary? or How many stars exist? or How much is a forever stamp worth? or How late does Blockbuster in Topeka, Kansas stay open?

Things like that.

Well now when you use ChaCha me (or hundreds of other people) just might be the one to do the research and answer your question! Yay!


2. No, this is not some new full time job. I am not making a career switch. I have actually been avidly auditioning since my contract at Mill Mountain ended. Now sounds like a good time for me to count the auditions I've attended. I love doing things like this...11! I've been to 11 in 9 weeks. Sick.

3. I've also gotten some new headshots taken!! I"m so excited. I've seen a few of the photographer's faves but I am still waiting on the cd of all of them (in part b/c it's being mailed to Nashville and I won't be back there for another week). You can check out Deb Knoske's fab fashionable work at Debknoskephotography.com.

4. A new musical is premiering in Rochester and eventually moving to Broadway based on Pride & Prejudice. My favorite novel + my favorite medium of art=bliss for hil.

5. I've been on the road for the past 5 weeks auditioning in various towns and villages. The suitcase life isn't so bad but I do prefer to at least be able to hang my clothes up. Wrinkles are just not cute.

6. On my travels I got to stop through NYC and visit with some fabulous friends. One such is my friend Shannon who just finished a 5 year stint on Broadway playing Tracy in Hairspray. Me and my best (guy friend) Patric were both inspired to strive for bigger and better. I really am learning that there are people in this world with big picture mentality and small picture mentality. I want to be one of the ones who sees the big picture and lives accordingly!!

Susie, Shannon, Cindy, Mike, Patric and I in Battery Park in NYC

it felt so wrong it felt so right doesn't mean i'm in love tonight...

I haven’t written a blog that was just stream of consciousness/not heavy in quiiite some time. So here we go.

I love a good list—so this shall be numbered.

1. The day I arrived back at home after spending 5 months in Roanoke working at Mill Mountain Theatre my dad gave me Welcome Home flowers. I don’t feel like the men in my life (maybe other than my dad. Ha.) know quite how wonderful/special/lovely it is to be given flowers—espesh on any occasion that is not Valentines Day or Opening Night. Now don’t get me wrong…flowers are alllways great but even greater on the random days. I love flowers because they are aesthetically pleasing, because there are never 2 identical arrangements, because they make a room smell so sweet, and because they signify special occasions. I love flowers.
2. My room here in Nash is a small disaster. I can only live in physical chaos for so long. For me fung shui is like, the real deal. I need my physical environment to be settled and centered for me to feel the same way. Kind of eastern of me? Yeah, probably.
3. My sister is back for 1.5 months from the ole UK and I couldn’t be happier. She’s truly adjusted to living over there and is far from homesick. While she loves us, she really finds life in Scotland more interesting than it is here. I’m so glad marriage didn’t bring the end of her adventurous days. Honestly for her I think it brought the beginning.
4. People keep asking me what’s next, where I’m living, what I’m doing, etc. In case you were wondering I’ll give you the standard answer:
One run-on sentence version: Eh, I don’t know we’ll see.
Concise phrase (as if it was for a journalism hw assignment): I don’t have plans beyond the first weekend in September. Between now and then I will be auditioning in Pennsylvania, New York, and Florida. If no offers have been made by mid-August I will begin doing part time work in Nashville with the hopes of a performing opportunity appearing at any moment.
The longer version for people who want the details and/or don’t understand the actor life:
In the life of an actor you have times when you’re working and making money and times when you’re auditioning and spending money. Right now I’m in the auditioning/spending time. Hopefully by mid-fall I’ll be in working/making time again—but you just never know. I have ideas about what I want to do and where I want to be but they’re ever evolving. For the next few months I know I want to pursue live acting. In the past 5 months I’ve learned that I have more talent then I once thought and that the thing about performing I love the most is making people laugh. If I could do that every day, dang it, I would. So the plan is to keep auditioning for awhile and thoughts I have that might be deemed ‘long term’ include grad school and a move to new york. We shall see friends we shall see.
5. I’m not trying to jinx any thing at all so I’m going to make only slight mention of the fact that I will be auditioning quite soon for my favorite show/role of all time that I would give money away to play. That is all for now on that.
6. I am trying to find a serene balance between wise and spontaneous.
7. I keep noticing this longing in my heart to go to Africa. Kind of random, right?
8. I’m reading a book right now called “A Whole New Mind” by Daniel Pink. Subtitle: Why right-brainers will rule the future. I’ve only read the first chapter but so far it’s really fascinating. First, the person who recommended it to me was Oprah. Second, it deals with the intersection of psychology, science and success.
9. Yesterday I got some pink patent leather wedges. If that’s not girly I don’t know what is.
10. I think the new Katy Perry song is sooooo catchy and I love it. (Yeah, you know the one.)

Why Self-Awareness and Self-Analysis Are Good

Jesus said this and Matthew wrote it down.

" Do not judge, so that you won't be judged. For with the judgment you use, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye but don't notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and look, there's a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Don't give what is holy to dogs or toss your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them with their feet, turn, and tear you to pieces."

What I glean from this? In life, if I see an inconsistency in someone else or something off-putting or something that is disappointing or a decision that has reaped unfortunate consequences instead of pointing it out to the person who did it...I need to check myself and learn from it. I am only responsible for myself--the words I say, the choices I make. Life is too short to be remembered as the person who 'shamed' someone else.

Peter Pan Part 2

After 2 months of time, many a conversation, and what—14 comments? about Peter Pan I’ve decided to unpack some of my statements I made earlier. Some of them may have appeared sweeping, harsh, dense, and shallow. I’m aware of this. Trust me—you’ve made me aware of this.

When I say be “amazing” I don’t mean graduate and get a job that makes a lot of money.
One of the biggest misunderstandings of the Peter Pan blog was that money, success, and a white picket fence by 25 are THE things that I find attractive.

The point of the blog was to point out the seemingly common thread between a handful of guys in my life who primarily represent many, many characteristics I could want in a boyfriend/friend/inspirational speaker/husband. The one thing that they have in common is the extended adolescence that reflects in their choice to drag out college and avoid the scary thing that is adulthood and finding out if they'll be good at it or not. Now, of course, to each his own. If you want to graduate college at 31 that is your choice. But it’s also my prerogative to voice that I think it’s a better choice to finish undergrad education in a timely manner and move on to bigger and better. But it’s really truly not about a degree. It’s about some common fears that I see in guys in my generation.

The bottom line is that what attracts me to someone of the opposite sex is different at 23 than it was when I was 19.

If you seem to have a game plan, a dream for your life and you’re starting to make it happen I think it’s “amazing.”
When I was 19 I would’ve thought you were a wife-hunting crazy person who needed to relax.

If you care about politics and actually know how to defend your position on school vouchers I think that is “amazing.”
When I was 19 I thought apathy was cool and I would’ve thought your conversations about the deficit were boring.

If you have a personal and growing relationship with God where you are continually understanding deeper concepts about living out your faith I think that is “amazing.”
I would’ve thought that was amazing at 19. That one hasn’t changed. Hey!

If you've completed a post-high school degree program and are supporting yourself by using the skills and talents given to you by God and sharpened by an education I think that is "amazing."
When I was 19 I thought being 19 and living in the dorm was cool.

And if you have a life’s passion and are seeking to learn more about it, get better at it, or find some way to make a living by doing it I think that is “amazing.”
At 19 I only would’ve thought that was cool if it had to do with being emo, playing guitar, or being on Broadway. Now I think it’s cool no matter what you love. Finance? Sweet. Photography? Sick. Ebay? Do it to it.

I know in my own life I am far from perfect. FAR. I become increasingly aware of it on a daily basis. I’m grateful for grace and the fact that there is dignity in being human. One thing that helps keep my compass pointing north is the goal to be the kind of girl someone I find amazing would find amazing. So if you have any pointers throw them out. You owe it to me. I did it for you!

*And yes, if you think the word “amazing” is obscenely overused in this article I’ll agree with you.

In light of the events going on at home at Two Rivers one of the church members posted this video on his website. I found it so moving and I always meant to see this movie but haven't yet. Heroes ALWAYS have opposition. It really is cool to know that in this situation-my own dad is the hero. That's pretty cool.

Peter Pan

I’m in a stage of life I like to refer to as 23—free and sassy. Or fun and sassy. I haven’t committed just yet. Commitment isn’t a very popular word with many people in my social/age group. I’m generally very happy with my life. I love the opportunity to put my heart and soul and LIFE into something I’m passionate about: namely performing in live musical theatre. I’m happy to have the financial freedom to be able to travel to auditions when I need to and actually make a living by doing something that brings me sheer joy. I’m happy to have a degree and not have to worry about thesis statements and 500 word articles and midterms. I’m happy about being able to invest in whoever I want. I can talk to whoever I want on the phone for however long I want to. I can even pay someone mindless attention for one night. It’s all up to me. In a number of ways I am living the dream right now as I type this. Other dreams that I have in life I don’t exactly have control over—getting married, having a family. Those are things I want in my future. They could come soon or later. I don’t have a rigid preference because I know it’s not an area I can control. But they are certainly huge aspects of my definition of “living the dream.”
And one of my best friends, Leslie is living the dream in many ways too. Right now her office is in the White House. Ya know…the one on Pennsylvania Avenue? Every day she interacts with people who are going down in the history books. Her job is “Devil Wears Prada” meets “West Wing.” And it’s stressful but I’d venture to say it’s insanely fulfilling.
Both of us are smart. Both of us are pursuing dreams. Both of us are financially independent (ok, she is more than me but still). Both of us are confident. We know what we believe in. We vote. We donate. And we’d be more than happy to have guy friends (I’m not gonna say we even have time or energy for boyfriends) who are our age in that same place too. Successful. Happy. Looking toward the future. Informed. Spiritual.

Where are they?

That is the quandary I’ve been perplexed by as of late. I look around and I don’t know any guys who are the equivalent of my best friends. Where are the guys who are in their early—even mid—20’s and “have it all together”? Why has that become too much to ask? The Peter Pan syndrome is more prevalent than any of us knew. Why has “30 become the new 20” as one such Peter Pan said to me recently? Why is this ok? Why do we have this adolescentadulthood stage that is continuing on and on? Why can’t these guys finish school for goodness sake? What is so hard about deciding a concentration of study and taking a full load each semester and going to class and doing homework and getting the heck out of college? What is to fear about growing up, falling in love, asking a girl to marry?

Why are guys of this generation so freaking scared to grow up?

You want to date me? Or Leslie? Or some other girl that you think is “amazing”? Then become the guy who she thinks is amazing. It’s as simple as that. Get your act together.

Herein Lies the Happiest Movie Scene Ever

You can't help but let it brighten your day. :-)

The Grand Gesture

Today is Monday April 7th, 2008. 23 years and one day since I came on the scene. I had a fantastic weekend getting to perform and being surrounded by some of my best friends. Birthdays serve as a wonderful reminder that you are loved.
Now, I’m sitting in a Panera in Roanoke, Virginia. I came here to escape my apartment/dorm/orphanage living situation and to use the free wifi to get some work done on my new freelance job: inthemo.com. (←shameless plug)
I actually feel really blessed by the new job. I found it when I was casually perusing the NYC craigslist. They needed an editor with a bit of international travel experience. I replied and 2 days later the job was mine. It’s a perfect supplementary income. And it virtually came out of nowhere. I was told by a friend of mine who is a working actor in New York City that being able to afford life in New York shouldn’t be a fear of mine. He said “You’re smart, educated and sharp. Why should money and a job come difficult?” And so I found a job in New York—and I don’t even live there (yet).
And my main job. I love it. The past two months I’ve been in “The Stinky Cheese Man and other fair(ly) stooped tales.” It’s been remarkably fulfilling performing for audiences made up of children. I absolutely love it. This past week we began rehearsals for our next show “Tales From the Arabian Nights.” This show is also primarily for school age audiences. After that the Festival of New Works will take the stage. I was pretty stoked when I first got cast in the show. Then I got the script and saw that my character says a few choice words that I have a strong conviction I never have any business saying—as a character or in real life. I talked to a few Christian friends who are in the business and their advice was to stand up for what I believe and it’ll be honored. After all, it’s PC to respect someone’s religious beliefs. Right? Well, what I didn’t consider was that the show is going to be performed for the first time. As a result the director and playwright have no interest in changing lines. Not a one. And if that means changing casting, so be it. So today I dropped out of the show.
If you know me well you know that I HATE conflict. I flee from it. I hate rocking the boat. I hate offending people. I hate for people to be disappointed in me, frustrated with me, or to generally be unpopular. Some people can handle it—I can’t. I like being liked.
And today I made some people unhappy. People who couldn’t fathom why I can’t separate a script from real life. “Do you not understand the concept that it’s a character and not you? Do you not get what ACTING is?”
It was the grand gesture in my life thus far.
I’ve really never been in a position where I had to stand up for what I believed in. I mean certainly there have been times where I turned down smoking something or chose to avoid something I deemed wrong. But never have I been condescended because of it. Never was I made to feel like my choice was illogical. I knew I had a choice to make when I read the script. And I knew that compromising is a slippery, slippery slope. And I knew saying something disrespectful about our Creator is not something I could ever do while maintaining self-respect.
This whole year of being thrust into the ‘real world’ and being out of the ‘christian bubble’ has been one big learning experience. It’s been an ongoing process of truly deciding who I’m going to be. I can blend in with what is going on horizontally or I can decide to live with a vertical perspective. My eyes can be looking around or looking up. That is the choice. I was given the opportunity to make the grand gesture. And though unpopular with my directors and unpopular with some people I work with who don’t get my choice, I did what I had to do. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now. The theatre may keep me around and let me be in Into the Woods or they may not. But I know I can sleep soundly tonight and know that I didn’t compromise.
After all, I’m 23 years old. I decide now who I’m going to be the rest of my life.