Update! (Brilliant title.)

Hello friends, family and people I don't actually know,

It has been a couple of weeks since I’ve written which is lame but as I always point out things here are busy busy busy! Since I last wrote I went on a Broadway SPREE seeing everything though paying no more than $36.50 per ticket. I actually saw 4 Broadway shows and spent $110. And I had excellent seats for ALL of them. (West Side Story, Shrek, Hair, 9 to 5 and Guys & Dolls) There are tricks to seeing Broadway shows on the cheap. And boy did we turn tricks! The first show I saw on Broadway since moving to New York—West Side Story—(which I saw from horrible standing room seats in the back of mezzanine in February—don’t do it!) I got to see again from the perfect lottery seats on the FRONT row. It was really like seeing a different production. My other favorite show that I saw this week was (I can’t believe it) SHREK! I went to the performance with the lowest expectations and was blown away by the music, staging, costuming, production creativity and performances by the leads. A little tip—go see shows RIGHT before the Tony nominations are announced in May because every performance is stellar top notch. We saw a Sunday matinee of Shrek (which is historically the most wah-wah performance of the week) and it was FABULOUS! Please go see this heart-warming show. I dare say Shrek could make you cry. He made me cry. So touching. And the anthem of the show is “Let your freak flag fly!” Who doesn’t love that?

This week while Josh was here we also traveled down to DC to attend another audition I had been invited to from when I went to the Washington Unified auditions earlier this year. I actually got to introduce my twin cousins (My dad’s twin’s twins. Who knew that happens?) to Josh and Leslie. Everyone loved life and the delicious chicken and fries we munched on.

In other news! Sunday night we saw Hair which was great music and great performing though I didn’t really connect with the disjointed plot. I think Hair is just one of those shows you either love and totally get or you’re like…hmm…the music is good but why are they dancing on the audience members? The greatness of Hair though is that after the show we went to the stage door to meet some castmembers and one of my Broadway heroes—Audra McDonald—was chilling, waiting for a friend. You’d probably recognize her from “Private Practice” on ABC. She’s truly one of the best vocalists out there and really was the face of color blind casting that waved in during the 90’s. Audra is phenomenal. And she starred in one of my favorite musicals of all time “Ragtime.” So I got a photo op with Audra and Josh got a photo op with his bway hero Gavin Creel (the original “Jimmy” in “Thoroughly Modern Millie”)

There were also a thousand other brilliant highlights of Josh and Leslie’s weekend in the City including strolls through Central Park, a carbide home in a hummer limo, cupcakes, Grey Dog brunch, and lots of rooftop chilling. And laughter. Laughter. Laugh.ter.

The great thing about having a job that is technically “part time” is that I can request off and arrange my work schedule around my life. So basically I put my two “weekends” together and was able to take off 6 days of work. Now is kind of intense because I have 8 days of work straight but the payoff of taking off during friends vacations is just fabulously worth it.

Other excitement: I nailed down a part time nannying gig for the summer watching my 2nd cousin Rufus. This is great on a variety of levels: fun cause Rufus is hilarious, helping out family feels good, money is better, consistent schedule is fab and I’ll be getting off by 9 pm so I’ll be able to get a decent night’s sleep for early auditions the next morning! Major yays.

Audition update: this week I am making efforts to attend (brace yourself) 11 auditions. They are as follows: Gary Musick company (they cast for various cruiselines), the Disney Cruiseline, the Beauty & the Beast national tour, A Little Night Music (broadway revival), the Cincinatti Playhouse (they’re doing the Fantasticks), Long Wharf Theatre (also doing the Fantasticks) South Pacific (Broadway) chorus call, the Sound of Music at the North Carolina Theatre, Georgia Love (a play about Georgians—I think.) a chorus call for Wicked (Broadway and tours too I’m guessing) and a chorus call for Molly Maguires a new work that is going to be performed in Pennsylvania and broadcast on public television!

Now I will inevitably not be able to be seen for all 11 of these auditions. With auditions in New York there is SO MUCH to go to you have to prioritize, figure out which roles you’d be most right for, which roles you’d be most likely to book, which auditions are in the same locations that you can hit at once and which ones are equity/non-equity and play the guessing game of if you will get seen or not. It takes a lot of plotting—that’s for sure.

All the while this week I have to begin (can you believe it?) looking for another sublease. I have leads on 3 places through friends (which I definitely prefer) so hopefully I won’t have to Craigslist my way all over town. Although, the place I am in now (a Craigslist find) has turned out to be perfect. But this next go around I’m looking for more: a bed included, cheaper rent and closer to a Starbucks. You know, the important things.

Oh one more highlight of this past week was getting to meet a slew of my 2nd cousins at a brunch on Saturday! I met my mom’s first cousins Lisann, Rick and Ken and their families. All New Yorkers. It’s kinda crazy to think that if my grandfather had not left New York on military service and settled in the south I could’ve grown up Jewish in Manhattan. What a different life that would’ve been…ya know, I quite like my mix of musical theatre singing Baptist Jew. I think it fits me. ☺

Addendum added tonight: I got a callback for some roles on the Disney Cruiseline! Think glass slippers and 7 little guys and you’ll figure out which roles. ;-) Hooray for a victory! As they say a dream is a wish your heart makes...

Written on Monday 4/27/09.

Here I am blogging on paper again. Since it's paper we might as well call it journaling. Anyway, this time I'm writing from beautiful Bryant Park--a block east of Times Square.

To paint an accurate picture for you..

Smell? Grass.
Sound? Many conversations mixed with the running water of the fountain behind me.
View? A grassy lawn and beautiful botanical potted tulips and shrubs.
Feet? Up, honey. On a chair opposite me. :-)

Urban living is a contradiction in so many ways. People fear moving to the City because they think they're going to have to give up the outdoors, grass and sky. But for this suburbanite--this sounds horrible--sans car I've probably never spent more time outside. Parks and places to enjoy great weather are convenient. A trip to the park doesn't have to be in the plans. It can be a stop off on the way somewhere else, a place to kill time, or a place to enjoy a TBM from Cosi (that's my suggestion).

Yesterday was a fun full day. Saturday night after I got off work (midnight) I went over to Patric's where we proceeded to the fire escape and had one of our fantastic pondering the universe conversations over Koolaid and pizza bites.

The next morning I visited Redeemer, a church that meets at Hunter College. The music was classical in style and the preaching was both inspiring and thought-provoking. I'm not sure I buy into reformed theology but hopefully that won't get in the way of worshipping, learning and meeting new people.

After that I got to accompany my friend Hanley to game 6 of the Stanley Cup at Madison Square Garden! Little known fact: I LOVE attending hockey games. We had a-mazing seats right behind the goal on the 2nd row. Hanley's family has season tickets and I have a really nice friend. :-)

One thrilling fight broke out right in front of our seats. The whole thing felt very medieval in a way. Like dueling/the Gladiator/a cock fight. I loved it. I had a fabulous time at the game despite the beating the Rangers received from the Capitals (5-1. ouch.)

* * *

It's now about 2 hours later. I left Bryant Park and returned to the Equity building where I had been instructed to return to in hopes of being seen. When asked, the Equity monitor was quick to inform me that there was a list of 60+ equity alternates that were ahead of me in line so no such luck Wah wah. Sidenote, I think I will blog about all the union mumbojumbo I oft reference at some point so you who don't speak theatre can have a reference.

If only it had rained today. So many people would've stayed home. Anyway, for now I wandered down to Herald Square where I'm enjoying my first Mocha Frap of the year. Yum! I'm also writing, thinking, texting and plotting out what I am going to do with my time the rest of the week.

A friend of mine and reader of the blog Katie asked me today if I've gotten to attend any auditions lately. I just realized that while I talk about life here in NYC sometimes I leave out the auditions I've attended! Last week I went to an audition for the upcoming national tour of 101 Dalmatians. I was aiming for one of the puppy roles--not sure if I pass as a middle-schooled aged dog or not. And today I auditioned for the Arizona Broadway Theatre. Notable shows they are doing include Footloose, Anything Goes and Phantom (not the Webber version). Thursday there are auditions for the Grease nat'l tour, South Pacific on Broadway, and another regional theatre. Next week I have an audition for an equity children's theatre in Washington DC, a national tour of Cabaret and a few other equity jobs. Still to come in May are A Little Night Music on Broadway, the Beauty and the Beast national tour, and a chorus call for Wicked.

Also, you would think men in this town have never seen a girl in a dress. Today I left my apartment makeup done for the audition, lipstick on, blue dress on and it was almost uncomfortable how many comments I got from appreciative members of the opposite sex. And I looked classy, dang it! Whatever.

OMGEE #11! What was i thinking?

How could I forget ELEVEN?!???

So Chelsea gets in a bit before I get off work. And of course the roomie (we'll just call her 'Annie' since that's her name) is out and about doing what New Yorkers do so poor Chelsea can't get into the apt upon her arrival. So I send her to the Starbucks 2 stops up from Anthro. It is by NYU's campus so it stays open til about 4 AM. Score! Now b/c my train ride to and fro the UES new pad and Anthro hasn't existed long enough for me to work all the kinks out I'm not completely positive on how to get to Chelsea. Uptown and midtown worst case scenario you just start following the numbers. But down in Soho (which stands for south of Houston--and Houston is the equivalent to 1st Street) we have no numbers so we've got problems. I think i've got my bearings and i'm walking the right way so just to be sure I ask random next guy that passes if I am indeed walking towards Broadway. We do the whole walk past then turn to face sort of but keep walking thing and the exchange goes like this:

Hil: "Hey, Broadway is this way right?"

Suddenly a ray of light beams upon his facial haired/black rimmed glasses/chiseled boyish featured face

Stranger man: "No it's (CUE SLOW MOTION)

Hil: Oh. My--you're Josh Hartnett! (with a tone of stunned disbelief)

Josh: that way." (points)

and then replies "Yeah." to my inquiry/declarative sentence.



I got to Chelsea about 15 minutes later.

This Week's Top 10

Hello friends far and wide!

I have neglected on the updates this week which is totally lame but rest assured I have not updated because I've been busy LIVING things worth telling you about! I love that. Who wants to live a life where each day blends together into a bunch of days of forgettable-ness? Not I!

Since we've last chatted I:

1. Saw 9 to 5 on Broadway from the front row. Tons of thankyous to Uncle Mark and Bill for treating me to dinner and a show. Nights like that have made me fall in deeper love with this city.

2. Accidentally sat in on a q&a with THE Dolly Parton after the show. Since it was in previews the entire production team watches performances and takes notes. It's still in the tweaking stage. I'm so fascinated by that process and inspired by that lady. Talk about a legendary career! And to be more than just a pretty face. Or a pretty actress. But a pretty songwriter! I like that.

3. Met Kristin Chenoweth. Got completely inspired by her interview. Bought the book. She signed it. I read it in a week (which is UNHEARD OF for this ADD chica.) I'll be mentioning excerpts here and there soon. It was really the perfect book for me to read at this juncture. I loved hearing about her early days in NYC. She actually stayed in a 1 bedroom at one point that had bunkbeds. 4 people in one room! I'm living in a PENTHOUSE compared to that!

4. Chelsea came to visit! And did we do the town UP! We went to the Roxy on Friday morning where I made the mistake of ordering apple juice. Now there's nothing wrong with apple juice--but there is something wrong with paying SIX BUCKS for it. *That is why we don't dine in Times Square. Lesson learned.

5. Another lesson learned: when using fun bag Mom sent in the package in lieu of backpack put odds and ends of purse in something bigger that zips . That way we don't lose metro cards, starbucks cards, lipstick and blush. So annoying. But lesson learned.

6. I'm battling 2 bad food habits. 1) doublestuf Oreo's. I see them and I feel a strong draw to them. Must. ingest. 2) I have this new bad habit with the vending machine at work. If it's break time I think it's snacktime. It's like i'm in 9th grade PE again. It's like my bod is always in survival mode b/c I have weird work hours (usually 5-midnight) so I need to eat when I get the chance. I bought some nutrigrain bars so hopefully I will stop buying soda and kitkats. Or it's back to 9th grade roundface we go. (Let's not.)

7. Back to the Chelsea visit..SO FUN!! I had an absolute blast introducing Chelsea to metro transit (she hadn't yet experienced) and Brooklyn. We tore Anthropologie UP! Let's put it this way, with my discount we saved $400. (cough.)

8. We also ate like champions and saw Mary Poppins. MP was darling and made me tear up at the end. (without fail, people!) Shows always remind me that I need to be in them.

9. The big news on Sunday was the Corner Shop Cafe (we'll totally go there when you come visit. You ARE coming to visit, right? Preferably Tuesday-Thursday [low shopping days. ya know?]) and the purchase of my precious new little candy apple green ipod! I'm in love. Who knew that a door, a kristin chenoweth memoir and a little green pod could up my quality of life like a rocket to the moon?

10. (hmm..what is 10? i'm certain there is a 10...) I GOT IT! I met this Israeli guy the other night and he told me about THIS If you're not much of a link clicker I'll save you the rigameroll. He told me that since I'm "Jewish" (my mother is 100% Jew in the blood if you didn't know) that there is this organization that will PAY for me to take a 10 day trip to ISRAEL. No. Joke. So needless to say, I'm making arrangements.

Kristin Chenoweth

I got the immense pleasure of getting to attend a Q&A session with Kristin Chenoweth (of the movie "4 Christmases" the tv show "Pushing Daisies" the other tv show "West Wing" and a little musical called WICKED) the following are a few videos that I got to record. She was every bit as charming and humble as you would think she'd be--and then some! Enjoy!







I've already started reading her book "A Little Bit Wicked" and Kristin (with the obvious assistance of her ghostwriter/incredible wordsmith Joni Rodgers) have captured many fascinating details of the life of a bubbly incredibly talented performer who has found her own unique path to the top. Unlike most everyone in this town she is not from the Northeast and she did not go to Carnegie-Mellon and she did not have a Grandma in the chorus of On the Town. Anyway, I hope you pick up the book or check it out from the library. Enjoy the clips.

My little bite of the Big Apple

If you've been following my journey in NYC you'll be relieved to see these pictures. :) Thanks for all the support and encouragement! She has a home!!

I wrote this in a bakery on Monday and now I'm typing it.

Monday February 13, 2009

Today I'm in the mood to write. But as I'm in the back of the Crumbs Bakery on 8th street--which is a full hour's ride away from my computer--I'm writing on the back of Central Casting's information form. They hire people to stand around in the background of shows and movies. I'd really like to do that at some point but in order to get hired you have to have 2 forms of government ID. And with 2 moves in 1 week and my belongings in 3 states well, needless to say who the heck knows where my social security card is.

The Big, big news:

Tomorrow I'm (FINALLY)moving into my new place! On (no less) than the 2 month anniversary of my arrival to the Big Apple. (!)

(*Can you imagine shacking up with friends and family for 2 months?! Ha. Who does that??)

I'm moving to the Upper East Side only a few blocks between Central Park and the East River. I've actually been paying rent on the place since yesterday but because of accumulating many hours of work at Anthropologie (thank goodness!) and auditions both far from where I'm staying (Astoria) and where I'm going (101st and Lex) my first opportunity to move is Tuesday-my day off!

In an hour I have to head down to work. This marks my 6th day in a row closing at Anthropologie. The store officially "closes" at 8 pm but would you believe every night I have left Anthro at the earliest 11 pm and at the latest 1 AM! When I get married I am delegating folding of the laundry to my husband. The end. I've done a lifetime's worth of folding already I think.

What else...

I think last week was my first week in NYC in which I wasn't plagued with some big life stress (how do I get around? is this safe? where am I gonna live? am I gonna stay? am I gonna go? ah, now what? should I go to grad school? should I drop this class? should I find a new job? why are my auditions sucking?)

Last week I just existed. I turned 24 and went to work and existed. It wasn't the best week of my life but it sure was a peaceful one and that. is. nice.

*Although, Tuesday night I had the immense pleasure of seeing South Pacific at Lincoln Center. EVERY MOMENT of the show reminded me why I'm so infatuated with music and acting.

Today I got to audition for Spiderman: Return to Dark which is being directed by Julie Taymour with music by Bono and the Edge. The audition went well and it's so nice to feel satisfied with what you did in the audition room. It was worth the 3 hour wait in below 40 degree windy weather.

Spring, wherefore art thou?

Addendum: I hope you discover an adventure in your own life and embark on it. Like my favorite Roosevelt said:

Snapshots of a few birthdays and stream of consciousness birthday ramble...

oh my gosh. 24.

24!

24?!??

Believe you me when I was 15 I was pretty sure the rapture would happen before I turned 16. I just had this feeling. And now I'm 24. 24oooouuurrr! Whoa.

And I noticed something. Well 2 things.

1. My phone wasn't overwhelmed by texts at the stroke of midnight. Or calls. You wanna know why?

My friends are grown ups now. They're asleep. They have to work in the morning.

2. It's pretty crazy to be sitting on my birthday eve in an apartment by myself in New York. Pretty crazy...

AND AWESOME.

(i think in order of top to bottom that is my 3rd, 21st, 23rd, 22nd and 20th birthdays. respectively.)

Did I ever tell you about my first solo subway ride in NYC?

I arrived in New York on Valentines Day. It was a Saturday.

The next day I had a callback for Hairspray. I was venturing out on my first train ride alone. I got heavy instruction from Patric the night before. I brought my directions with me on notebook paper and walked down the steps into the underworld...also known as Metro Transit.

It was a Sunday morning and I guess some of my fellow transportees were just coming to after a rough Valentines Day night.

I slid onto a bench on the 6 and found myself not trying to stare at the long-haired hispanic man seated across from me. He was very, very chatty...but not with anyone who was actually present in the car. I'm not sure who it was he was talking to in his head but he felt very passionate about it. I kept thinking Please don't notice I'm here and I'm real...

I felt very...nervous.

When I arrived at my audition about a hundred of us were corralled into a holding room where I made friends with two queens. Yes, queens. There's no better word for these boys. Don't feel awkward.

I told them about my Millie-esque arrival in the City by train/bus the day before and how I was freaked out by the heavily intoxicated wilderness looking man on the subway just before. He could have had a gun for all I knew!

Queenie 1 goes: Drunk? Honey, he was cracked out. Welcome to New York.

It Will Be Beautiful

I totally have a thought and I am sincerely too tired to communicate well but I wanted to share the thought before it's gone.

My birthday is coming up in a week and a half. I tend to view birthdays as the 'new year' in the sense that i do a lot of reflection and self-evaluation, etc.

I was reading today about global warming and I read this thought that for all the time and energy we expend on 'saving the planet' and 'going green' how much have we thought to enjoy this gorgeous earth while we've got it?

And for me...


I'm only going to be in my 20's for a short time. I'm only going to have this healthy, young, bursting with energy body for a time. Why am I not enjoying the wonders of creation?

So one of my birthday resolutions (if you will) is to make an effort to take advantage of the landscapes of the earth in my 25th year. I'm not sure where it will take me. But I know it will be beautiful.

NY week 6! wow!

So I'm back in New York after a whirlwind weekend in Lynchburg. I was blessed enough to get to see not only dear old friends but also my parents and my sister who I didn't count on seeing again for a solid 6 months! We all got to share meals, laughs and great j crew sales. Even better we got to walk through a house my parents are making an offer on. After all the shit that happened in Nashville it is SO exciting and joyful to walk in an empty house that my parents can fill and live in and start. over.

I left Lynchburg beyond sleep deprived. 2 nights of 3 hours of sleep. It kinda makes you crazy. I really felt like I was in the twilight zone Monday afternoon when I got back to the City. Ya know those moments where you're like "Wait, is this a reality show. Where's the hidden camera? Seriously." That's so how I felt.

Yesterday I tried to make it up to an audition but overslept b/c I had forgotten to set my alarm. I ended up standing outside in line in the freezing cold for upwards of an hour. The security guard just stood on the other side of the glass in the empty lobby staring at us while my toes got so cold they were hurting.

It's moments like that that make me feel less romantic about New York.

Today I had a total of 3 hour or longer conversations about life and being 23 (24 in 2 weeks) and what city to live in and what ideologies to believe and whether or not to pursue graduate school or to pursue making real money or to pursue the art.

These years have to be the strangest most fulfilling exciting gut-wrenching years of our lives.

I'm trying to sincerely take this whole journey one step at a time...if I put it in writing it will be good. I am planning to definitely stay in New York through the end of May. I may (REALLY) kind of hate my job and hate crowds and hate dirty handrails. But I love this experience and the challenge and I will love having said I did it for more than 3 months. I also know that my values are changing and I may want something new and different soon. Something that is a big picture investment. Like grad school in a discipline I'd like to eventually teach?

And you may or may not be wondering about the door situation...

I'm presently staying at my uncle's totally charming apartment in cute Astoria. If you ever move to New York and can't afford hipster Brooklyn or ridiculously expensive too small Manhattan, Astoria is not far and the apartments are bigger and the streets are quiet in a good way. The kicker is that he has a spare bedroom so you know what that means. I am in a room of my own with a bed (not a futon or an air mattress) a desk and a DOOR!! I am so grateful for the space to be alone but I am still looking forward to the magical day when I will have my own rented door. It looks like it will be happening April 15th! It couldn't come soon enough.

In the mean time I'm trying to not let the fact that I'm without a place of my own break my spirit. If you have any positive vibes or encouraging thoughts feel free to send them this way. :-)

non-update.

still don't have time or energy for a lengthy post but i will say that for the first time in a long time I felt like God was speaking to me over the weekend. Maybe to you that sounds egocentric but I really think that if there is a God who is capable of executing every detail of our planet down to the fingerprints on your hands He is also capable of caring about you as an individual and wants you to have hope.

also it (KNOCK ON LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF WOOD) looks like i'll be making arrangements tomorrow night to move into a sublease quite soon! and i'll only be like 13 blocks from Patric's and more importantly only like, 3 blocks from China Moon. HOLLAR. Chicken and broccoli EVERYDAAAAYYYYY. I won't get sick of it. (Just ask Grace @ Tokyo's on Timberlake.)

I will also say that within the past week I have learned my limitations. I really don't have time to go through a personal crisis, find an apartment, work, audition, travel, stay up all night, eat unhealthy food, learn a new city, maintain friendships/relationships (I'm sorry for my long-distance friends who I haven't called since being here) AND make a good grade in my graduate class. Basically I'm just gonna have to make really good grades on every other class I take in the future to balance out this one. It is safe to say the choice was a bit audacious. I'm learning my lesson.

So much to blog about! So little time! The good news is that I have a 8 hour train ride on Monday where I can blog to my heart's content (how lame am i for just saying that?)

I am loving life and uncertainty and joe beans coffee and the crazy amount of wonderful people in lynchburg this weekend and 14 auditions in the next 15 days and turning 24 in 2 weeks!

I love you all.

and sidenote i love when people tell me in real life they have read my blog and know what's going on with me. it feels kind of like when people call me "Hil" for the first time. Like, awww we are best friends and you care!

Also, hello to the person who reads my blog from Norway!

That's all.

nyc.FOUR

My New Place!!! jk.

I have now been in NYC for a total of 25 days. Man, that doesn’t sound like long but it sure does feel like it. Maybe because it’s been the inundation of new places, smells, means of transportation, people, ways of life, languages, and living conditions. So much new at once makes the familiar seem like a past life.

For the first few weeks I was here I felt almost illogically joyous about NYC. Every train ride conquered, taxi hailed, and audition attended made me feel like I could do anything. As the weeks have worn on and money seems to be harder to come by then I once foresaw it truly is difficult to remain encouraged. Some days are clearly better than others. For me it’s a weird mix of hormone levels and actual circumstances. The waters of life could really be smooth sailing but if it’s that 1 day of the month one would think someone stole my kitten and punched my grandma. Perhaps that’s more information than you wanted…

That room of my own with 4 walls and a door remains illusive but I remain hopeful!

I really don’t fancy blogging about negative situations or worrisome thought so I will spin this in a positive analytical way.
It’s really interesting to see how I’ve evolved from this person who thrives on change and adventure and spontaneity and the unknown into a person who longs for the day when I lay my head on a pillow in a room that I can call my own that I intend to live in for at least a year in a city where I know I should be, going to work to do a job I feel fulfilled doing. There really are good reasons why most people live “normal” lives.

On the other hand….:-)

I wouldn’t trade this tumultuous time in Manhattan for anything. I love a challenge. And if that challenge is finding my way out of Queens (when I didn’t intend to arrive there) or if it’s figuring out a way to stretch a dollar (order the large portion from China Moon instead of the small because you get 3 meals for the price of 2!) both involve a bit of risk, adventure and scheming.

For me New York’s appeal before I moved here was that it really appeared to be the ultimate challenge. When I came to visit with my parents a year ago (perhaps you saw the “Trip of a Lifetime” photo albums on the Facebook) I had no intention of ever moving to this city. I remember my second visit to New York (the first when I was a toddler) when I was in 7th grade. It was the first time I saw a show on Broadway (Cats) and the first time I heard the words “Star Bucks” paired together. But the emotion that I felt most strongly about New York---believe it or not—was dislike! I was utterly overwhelmed by the materialism in the Big Apple. Too much expensive shopping for my 13-year-old taste I suppose.

While I was a kid who always dreamed of making a living being a performer I never wrapped my brain around the thought of actually moving to New York to go for it. That seemed like something other people did. People who grew up in musical families, people who were the stars of their college theatre shows, people from the North, people who weren’t Baptist, people who heck, at least majored in musical theatre?

But time and again over the past year doors have opened. Opportunities have presented themselves and well, the punch line is I’m living in New York City.

So since so many doors opened for this astounding opportunity I have to ask myself: What’s the point?

Being immersed in a culture that is so pervasively secular (Godless?) it is easy for the concept of God being intimately involved and interested in one’s life to seem truly foreign. But as a Believer I must cling to the hope that God cares. He cares that I don’t exactly know where I’m going to live in April. He cares that I feel the pull daily between the dream of getting married and raising a family and the dream of travel and performance. My friend Maura pointed out that perhaps God doesn’t care so much exactly what I choose to do but what kind of character I have doing it—just like my Dad.

And ultimately He loves me no matter what choice I make.

And if God really does believe in me and hope good things for me and support me like the father He’s blessed me with here on earth then I really do feel peace amidst the uncertainty and craziness.

I would still like a room of my own though—with a door.

An Open Letter to my Feet

Dear Feet,

Ok, fine. I'll be the first to say it.

I'm sorry for moving to New York.

I didn't really give you a heads up. But look at it this way, I didn't give anyone a heads up! I didn't condition you for the miles of pavement and cobblestone walking. I didn't buy you hiking boots or a bike. And I'm sorry about that. But the way you've developed this ridunkulous blister is just sort of awkward. I'm walking back and forth at Anthropologie at the pace of an 87 year old. How does that make me look? So can we please reconcile our differences? I promise to give you a pedi in Lynchburg next weekend. Eh?

Ever Grateful Yet Sore,
Hil

new york 3.0

Helloooo it’s me Hil reporting live from E. 87th and Lex. Sadly, I failed and didn’t write yesterday (But seriously I had 2 auditions and then worked from 5 pm to 11 pm. What do you want?) but here I am. Wednesday is almost Tuesday anyway, right?

Like many of you we had a snowstorm here in Manhattan over the weekend. Flurries of Sunday AM were charming. A foot of snow turned to slush on Monday was less charming.

Let’s back up and do a chronological report….

Last Wednesday-Friday I took the bus down to Washington for a callback I had for a show there. I got to spend some quality time with Leslie and feel a bit of non-New York shock (“It’s so QUIET here!!). By the time Friday rolled around I was ready to head back to the city.

I started work at Soho Anthro on Friday which has totally been a blessing. The work is mehhh because obviously its not challenging and I’ve been doing it (on and off) for almost 2 years. But make no mistake I am SUPREMELY GRATEFUL for having a job.

The awareness that has compounded my frustration is that I’ve done all this self-analysis for my organizational behavior class that tells me I need autonomy, a sense of contributing to a worthy cause and challenging projects to really enjoy my job. And those things, well, I’m not getting. I guess I should just view them as a trade off for getting to have the flexibility to attend auditions when I need to and getting to live in this unbelievable place.

(sidenote there is a man across the street right now with a cane and a cig that looks suspiciously like Johnny Cash. He’s even wearing black.)

Anyway.

I spent Saturday day writing a paper for my class and then Saturday night I got standing room tickets for West Side Story with Larry (who is in town auditioning for a few days) and my dearest Maura. The show was incredible and while I spent the first act on my tiptoes trying to peer through heads the size of Christmas trees during the second act Larry found me a sneaky spot in front of a column where I had a glorious view of the stage. I even had a little alone space to tear up during the sad parts. After it was over we went to this artsy bar/restaurant called Vintage. (So New York, right?)

Sunday I worked again in Soho and finished my paper. That’s sort of boring to write about…umm…

Oh yes, Monday I had planned to move into my sublet on the upper West side but then the blizzard of 09 hit so I stayed back at Patric’s and hung out with him and his roommate Nick and his girlfriend Melissa (who you might see on a new Clean & Clear commercial. It’s for Morning Burst. She dances in pajamas and slippers.) So we went to Serendipity to get dessert and ultimately got lunch and dessert (and I got 4 cups of coffee. He just kept filling it up! And I kept sipping!). I had a delicious broccoli cheese omelette and then we split this incredible Forbidden Broadway brownie ice cream sundae deliciousness. All the while we were sitting in a pink room telling funny stories with snow falling outside. It was such a good day. ☺

Yesterday I attended two auditions: one for Tokyo Disney and the other for a theatre in California. Then I worked last night at Anthro and our managers ordered pizza for us. (What? New York, everything is better here.)

Today I decided that I’m tired of having to wear a hat everywhere just because my head is cold. I’d rather wear it when I want to for fashion purposes. Spring can not come soon enough. I turn 24 in about a month and I hope that I’m not still all bundled up with frostbitten fingers.

Tonight I’m meeting my friend Hanley (ANOTHER dear friend who just moved here. I’m not kidding) for dinner in Hell’s Kitchen and then Patric and I are going to meet up with Maura and her boyfriend Anton to celebrate his birthday.

Oh and as far as moving goes I’m not moving until the weekend because my friends who I am subletting from are moving to Washington Heights this weekend. But do you know what this means for me?

Do you KNOW what this means for me?!

It means that I get 4 whole walls and my own…DOOR.
No living room living for this little gypsy. ;-)

I love NYC!

~Hil

mini-update cause it's not tuesday

Snow flurries in New York are just charming and picturesque (so far).
Small dogs on leashes are to New York what lizards are to Florida. (eeeeverywhere!)
Saw West Side Story on Broadway last night. So moving, so fantastic. I love art done with excellence!! [sidenote: I think the story moved me even more because I have puerto rican immigrant friends. it's amazing how far we've come with prejudice in this country...and yet how far we have to go...]
Taking a class online when I have the major distraction of New York City around me is a character builder.
I'm moving into my sublet tomorrow. Which means I no longer "live with friends." Which means I really live here.
Sometimes I really enjoy alone time.
I feel blessed.

nyc.2

Allie from "The City" on MTV

Today marks day 11 in the Big Apple. I kind of feel like weekly Tuesday updates are a good habit to start. New music comes out on Tuesdays. Why not blog entries?
Anyway.

I’m writing presently from a beautiful apartment in Tribeca. I’m sitting on a gorgeous cream modern sofa with all cream furniture, gorgeous dark hardwood floors and the most beautiful (can they be beautiful?) flat screen television I’ve ever seen. Through providential hook ups I knew someone who knew someone who needed a babysitter in New York so my first employment in the City was reading 4 and a half year old New Yorker Sophie Kaufman a few books before bed. She is adorable and full of life and she is just not one of those kids who is annoying—YAY!!

Today I also interviewed at the Anthropologie in Soho. Not only did they call me an hour later to tell me they want to hire me but they also emailed me my schedule for the next 5 weeks. At my other two Anthros that would’ve been nothing short of a fantasy. They’re giving me pretty decent hours and Soho is my absolutely favorite part of my favorite city. I feel pretty lucky. Speaking of the City, about a month ago I started watching “the Hills” spin-off “The City.” It was fun to watch and imagine living there and the people are beautiful and it’s a glamorous silly little reality show. I decided to make the City’s theme song my ring tone b/c it made me so excited about moving to New York. So, yesterday I was catching up with my show on mtv.com when I had a little downtime between my interview and an audition. After my audition I hopped on the R and decided to go to Herald Square to kill some time and explore a spot I hadn’t been to yet. So I get on my train (nothing unusual) and scan the other passengers (because New Yorkers are way too interesting not to scan) and I glance down at the other end of the train and there is Allie—one of the girls who is on THE CITY!! I was just watching her on my laptop that morning and there she was on my R train—in my same car?! What are the odds of that?!?

It totally made my day. I love this town.

What else…what else…

As far as learning my way around New York it’s pretty incredible how quickly I feel like I know where to go. I feel 95% confident that I could get anywhere in Manhattan fairly quickly. I got turned around for 2.5 seconds the day after I got here and haven’t messed up on getting anywhere since. Streets with numbers make a world of sense to me.

Ok let’s backtrack to things that happened last week…

Wednesday I got up and out of the house by 6 AM to attend some auditions. These were calls for members of Actors Equity, and then EMC (membership candidates—what I am) get seen if there are any available spots. So I got up at the crack stood outside in the cold from 7:30-8:30 and got told by 9 am they would only be seeing union actors. Awesome. So I shrugged my shoulders and headed a few blocks over to the Equity building. There were two auditions going on there that I felt pretty confident I’d get to audition for. Long story short by 3:45 I still hadn’t been seen and the monitors running the audition told me “It’s a no go.” While that might’ve been annoying I have 2 conclusions. 1) I would much rather make the effort and go to the auditions and know for certain that I would not get to be seen than sleep in and wonder if I had missed my big break b/c I was lazy. 2) I have a better chance of being seen when an audition is for specific characters as opposed to a whole season of shows b/c everyone comes out of the woodwork when there are all kinds of roles available.
It’s all strategy really.

So the next day I got up 30 minutes earlier (5:30 this time) and went down to audition again. This time it was for a musical version of “Little House On the Prairie” that has gotten a lot of buzz. Apparently Laura Ingles Wilder has a bunch of fans that I don’t know about. It’s at the best regional theatre in the country—Papermill Playhouse in New Jersey. It’s often referred to the closest theatre to Broadway that’s not on the island.

This weekend I also got to be a part of a Play Festival! It was all new works. It’s so random how this happened. I got an email a few days before I moved to NYC from a stage manager in Sarasota, FL at the Golden Apple Theatre. I auditioned there in August but don’t actually know anyone there. Apparently I was on their email list. They were asking if anyone knew a non-equity actress in the New York area. I was like…hmm..wait, WAIT THAT’S ME!!

So I emailed back and I got a call that evening. A mini-interview and then an offer. Just. Like. That. So this past weekend we rehearsed on Friday, had a tech rehearsal on Saturday and then performed on Sunday. The awkward part was that it was a 2 person play and the other person in the play was also my director. And as a youngest of two kid I sort of felt like I was getting bossed around by my big sister but it was only 3 days and I tried to compartmentalize and keep my annoyance level at a minimum. We are in control of our attitudes, aren’t we? How bout that.

I can say that I’ve really never been as nervous to perform as I was this past Sunday. Maybe because it was a straight play, maybe because I wasn’t sure I had adequately prepared, maybe because I knew my uncle and Bill were in the audience and I wanted to impress them or maybe because I was just performing for the first time in the theatre capital of the world. Whatever reason, I was a shaky thing on Sunday. BUT, it went off without a hitch! There’s really nothing like captivating an audience and being the catalyst for laughter. Nothing like it.

Sunday night I was supposed to be the life of the Oscar party going on at Patric’s apartment but I found myself working down to the wire on a paper for Organizational Behavior. I was assigned to figure out what my personality is, its functions in the workplace, and explain how by studying the materials I can interact better with other personalities and curb my weaknesses when it comes to being efficient. The ironic thing is that the description of my personality said that I procrastinate up to the last minute on projects and have a hard time finishing them. But that ENFP’s always do finish projects they just push it to the last minute.

My paper was due at midnight and I turned it in at 11:57.

The description said I also don’t like being “pegged.”

That’s true too. Dang it.

Monday I met Sophie’s mom Jill for coffee and then I met up with Katie Gray for lunch and a movie. We saw Slumdog Millionaire which was one of the most captivating films I‘ve watched in a long time. Dev Patel the guy who played Jamal has such amazingly honest (perfect for film) eyes. I was mesmerized by the cinematography, direction, acting, use of music and script. I’m so glad a story that praises integrity has had so much success.

I think that’s all for now…if you have read this whole thing and made it all the way down here I am impressed. This was a bit wordy but I hope you feel adequately caught up. Here’s a parting question…

What if it’s not as difficult as you think it is?

nyc.1

Hello.

I’m writing this evening from my friend’s apartment on the East side of Manhattan at 60th and 2nd. If you didn’t know, when rattling off locations like that it’s always the street first, avenue second. Little NYC tidbit for ya…

I’M IN NYC!!!!!!!!

Just got here Saturday. I took the train from Lynchburg to DC (which I will say, was delightful in that it arrived an hour early and I slept the ENTIRE way) then I took a bus from DC to NYC—which only cost $20! Totally worth it. Bolt Bus free wireless!

Sunday morning I had a callback for the national tour of Hairspray. We did the same dance I learned at the callback in Atlanta—which is such a good thing b/c I’m like mentally handicapped when it comes to learning new choreography. I rocked it out and the choreographer and directors seemed to really enjoy me. I didn’t get asked to stay and read this time which was kinda a bummer. But I found out later from my friend who is on the tour that they’re simply not looking to immediately hire girls. So it wasn’t my talent that kept me from getting a job immediately it was simply that there wasn’t anything available that I’d be right for. Wah wah.

Sunday afternoon Patric and I went over to Union Square and to Soho. Both of those areas I reallllly like. In Union Square we stopped by “Crumbs” a fantastic little cupcake bakery. And if yall know me well you know that icecream gets thumbs down but cake/cupcakes/brownies/cookies get BIG THUMBS UP! So we got delicious gourmet cupcakes and ate them in the park and watched dogs do funny things.

Then we went on to meet up with some friends in Soho. I got to see the Soho Anthro which was nice but not the most exciting Anthro I’ve been to (I’ve yet find one cooler than the one in Nash). We also went in some other designer stores and we ran into Josh Hartnett and Sabra who won “So You Think You Can Dance” last year.

Yesterday I spent the middle of the day at a Starbucks on 87th and Lex working on some classwork for my first graduate business class. It’s called Organizational Behavior and it’s basically all about psychology in the workplace. I love when theoretical meets practical. It’s actually useful! Then last night I ventured over to the upper west side where I am likely subleasing in March. The apartment comes fully-furnished and includes a bulldog named Hoover. He’s funny and hopefully he won’t eat me.

Today I’ve spent my time with one of my best friends Katie Gray who also just moved here. We both moved to New York from Nashville independently. I did on Saturday and she did yesterday. Crazy right? We went to an American Apparel and a brick-oven pizza place and we got a subway map. I’m learning I prefer buses to subways. I like to see everything I’m passing even if it’s a slower mode of transportation. When you’re not in a rush you’re not in a rush, ya know?

Now I’m blogging to you b/c I was reading “Type At Work” and it was making me drowsy. Tomorrow I am going to hurry up and wait at an equity audition for a theatre season in Pennsylvania. It’s a union call and since I’m not in the union it means I might get seen. I’m taking a book and using my time practically though. I just hate that I have to get up at 6 to maybe get seen for an audition. It’s the price you pay though. Tomorrow night Patric and I are reuniting with our friend Maura who lives on the upper west side. Then Thursday I have some more auditions and I need to write a paper for my new class. And then I’m tied up most all of the weekend with my play reading for the “Zero to Sixty in One Page” play festival. I perform there on Sunday. Pretty stoked. Oh and I also get to see my friend Ale from Orlando who is in town for a callback for the Broadway show “In the Heights.”

And that concludes my first New York update! Holla back!

The Itinerary

Nashville Today-February 9th
DC February 10th & 11th
Lynchburg February 12th & 13th
New York February 14th until ???

Change

A friend of mine recently pointed out that I am unusually keenly aware of change.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like it?

I don’t mind evolution. I don’t mind change in a growing way…I just hate finality: breakups, permanent moves, death.

My parents are moving. And for the past 4 months I’ve been living in the room I grew up in. I started officially packing up today. This has been the one room I’ve lived in for the majority of the last 12 years. And when you’re 23, well that’s more than half your life.

I started going through my bookshelf and putting things in boxes. Most every book brought back a memory. Reading “Number the Stars” in middle school…graphic design books from college…theology notes from a summer leadership seminar in highschool…there’s a lot of life on that book shelf.

Here’s the thing that it all comes down to. I know when things will never again be the same. I can feel it like, in my bones. And this is one of those times. My parents are moving to Lynchburg. There is going to be a house that they will make a home and it will be their home but it won’t be mine. This yellow room I’m in right now feels like my room because I grew up in it. Nothing like that will exist in Lynchburg. No memories or childhood attached to the rooms there. Of course it will be the one house in the world where I will feel more welcomed than any other, but it won’t be my ‘home.’

So for the first time I’m really going to have to make my house my home. First I’ll have to find one. Then one day it will really be my home.

Wow isn’t growing up weird?

From the movie Garden State:

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Can't stop watching this...

Spring Awakening Closes.

Spring Awakening, a really thought provoking show I saw less than a month ago on tour, closed on Broadway yesterday. In its first year it swept the Tony awards and has had a lot of success. It played its last performance on Broadway yesterday--which is pretty unusual for such a successful show--Rent, its predecessor, played 12 years to SA's 2. I found the transcript online from the producers' speech after the performance was over. I wanna share this part with you:

"Believe me, we are saving the best for last but before we do, the other thing the Atlantic helped us with was to assemble a brilliant creative team, and with us here tonight is our extraordinary music director Kimberly Grigsby. Our resident director Bea Terry is here. But most noticeably absent tonight is our design team - our choreographer Bill T. Jones, his associate, and our director Michael Mayer. They are in London in final tech rehearsals for the launch of Spring Awakening, the British version, so they couldn't be with us, and we send them our boundless thanks for their inspired work and in return they sent their love to all tonight in the form of a lyric, which before we turn this over to the founders of our feast, I will read. It's written by a theatre songwriter — it's from Anything Can Whistle:

'With so little to be sure of,
If there's anything at all.
If there's anything at all,
I'm sure of here and now and us together.
Thanks for everything we did,
Everything that's past,
Everything's that's over too fast.
None of it was wasted,
All of it will last:
Everything that's here and now and us together.
It was marvelous to know you
And it isn't really through.
Crazy business this, this life we live in-
Can't complain about the time we're given-
With so little to be sure of in this world,
We had a moment.
A marvelous moment.'

So I spent the week back in Lynchburg where I graduated from college almost 2 years ago. Here's what I noticed:

the people on campus are young. quite a bit younger than me. and back in the day, they seemed old. weird.

i had a bit of culture shock going back to it's-cool-and-popular-to-be-a-conservative-christian world. i have seen so much of the real world since 05/07. my little quote from benjamin button at the top of the screen really holds true.

lynchburg isn't a bad place to live. it's just smaller. less commercialism, less nightlife, less going on in general. its not necessarily bad, it's just less.

and there's nothing innately ghetto about downtown lynchburg...it's more run-down than ghetto.

college kids get stressed out and worked up about generally less important (trivial?) things than adults do. calm down about not getting the lead. and quit whining about the guy who has gotten all the leads that you wanted. you'll regret all the breath, energy, and thought you gave to it. your time in college--especially in the world of college theatre--is a blip on the map of life. it doesn't define your talent and it doesn't determine if you'll have a successful career. what you can learn from it? life is not always fair. work hard.

For the first time in...perhaps a year, maybe less...I felt deeply moved in a corporate worship service the other night.

This isn't because I haven't longed for a stirring in my soul. It's because I've felt like there was so much mess...so many freakin hurdles to cross to have a meaingful moment with God in public. If it wasn't people storming the altar (in a bad way) at Two Rivers it was terrible music and trite preaching somewhere else. Church and I have had quite the year. And in so, God and I.

My moment came last Wednesday night at a Liberty campus worship service. Pretty simple moment really. We started singing a song with this lyric:

Jesus You are the difference in my life

A complicated existence began to shape into a pretty simple one. The difference in my life, the hope that I live for starts and ends with Jesus. It's so not cool. I know. Attaching yourself to the word "Jesus" gives people license to make all these terrible assumptions about you. But the bottom line is that Jesus IS the difference in my life. And there's nothing I'm more grateful for.

Things Learned in 2008

I wrote a similarly titled list last year. Initially I didn’t feel particularly inspired to recount the things I had learned this past year but once I sat and thought a list came. And here ya have it.

1. When having disagreements with roommates it is better to communicate then not. When I was living in Florida in the fall of 2007 I had a terribly non-communicative living situation. It was basically 2 against 2. Instead of confronting roommates about things they did that I thought were selfish and inconsiderate I ended up venting to my other roommate. Eventually the roommate who was in the wrong found out about my issue and decided to play the victim. In short, it would’ve been better if I just communicated clearly in the first place. I have this thing about preferring to be liked than not and in turn I avoid confrontation at all costs. Sometimes honest conversation is just the better thing. Because nothing gets resolved when you don’t talk. And btw, this counts for 2008 because this concept didn’t hit me until months later.
2. When someone shows you who they are believe them. This is a phrase coined by Maya Angelou that I had heard but never really resonated with me. I learned this year if you have a friend who you’ve seen have repeated issues with other friends eventually that friend will have the same issue with you. When people show you their character you have to recognize it and you can’t fault them for it later. Friend at your own risk! And if you don’t think that kind of behavior is something you want in a close friend then put a little distance there and invest elsewhere.
3. Playing peacemaker usually leads to drama. I know this sounds like a 10th grade realization but when I saw two friends have a miscommunication in the past I (being the communications major or future counselor or whatever) always wanted to play mediator to help the situation resolve itself. 9.9 times out of 10 this leads to getting roped into the situation and all of a sudden someone has a problem with you. Not worth it. Don’t become involved whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or working relationship. Don’t. Get. Involved.
4. I want a dog.
5. When you are young (especially in your career) is the time to decide how you’re going to do things. In April I had to stand up to a scary boss at a theatre and tell him that there were lines I wasn’t willing to say because they were offensive to me. I almost lost my job over this situation. But losing my integrity and self-respect would have been incredibly worse.
6. Being a Mom is freaking hard work. It’s something I want in my life SOMEday but doesn’t have nearly as much appeal as being married does. You can still be young and awesome and exciting when you’re married. Being a parent is when legit responsibility, selflessness and butt-wiping comes in. No thanks!! (For now.) Preschoolers are more than cute short people with chubby cheeks that say funny things. They are human beings that have been entrusted to YOUR care. Wowwie.
7. Being transient is fun but really not practical for putting roots down, developing relationships or making money. In order to find success in any one theatre scene I have to commit to it. This year I really want to commit to one location by the end of the year. Is this a resolution?
8. Physical closeness is basically always nice but it’s much MUCH MUUUUUCH nicer with someone you love. How’s that for inconspicuous?
9. Friendships evolve and it doesn’t have to be sad. Sometimes two friends grow apart because of circumstances. It doesn’t mean you love them less. It just means they’re married and have a 9-5 and a fence and a dog and you have a suitcase a Betsey dress and no boyfriend. It’s ok to not be in the same place in life and recognize you have less in common. That’s life.
10. Mint.com is freaking awesome.
11. Picnik.com is also freaking awesome.
12. Politics are both important and fascinating. And I judge people who are apathetic. And I judge people with ignorant arguments even more. I do. I said it!
13. I crave companionship—which may not sound like much but IS! For a year I wanted to play the field not find 1 playmate. That’s changed.
14. You can find all kinds of interesting ways to make money on the internet. You just need to look.
15. The more I learn about the performing arts the more my curiosity and interest grows in expanding other areas of performing. I want to become a great Shakespearean actress. I want to be comfortable with improv. I’m interested in acting for the camera.
16. In the same vein, I’m evolving into a person who doesn’t have to be a professional performer to feel cool. I just need work that is stimulating. Finger-spacing the hangers at Anthropologie doesn’t count. And making pennies freelance writing doesn’t count either.
17. I want to be in a relationship where I’m wanted. I don’t want to try to force a relationship where the guy likes me pretty much. But also I don’t want to get in a relationship with someone just because he thinks I’m awesome. I want mutual adoration. Somehow in my experience this has been semi-difficult to locate. Mutual adoration FTW.
18. Acting for children is really rewarding. In the world of professional theatre, children's theatre is the type of theatre that seems to be least preferable. But not for me! Exposing children to the arts and spurring their imaginations seems essential to excellent education. I remember the first professional theatre performance I saw--the national tour of Phantom of the Opera when I was in the 3rd grade. It was the beginning of something huge for me.
19. My success/failures in performing aren’t a good thermometer to take the temperature of my talent. Me being in the right place, at the right time, with the right look and the right talent is a good indication of my talent. Rejection shouldn’t tell you how talented you are. In the same way neither should success.

2008 in Numbers

More reflections to come but for now...

Trips to Orlando: 8

Performances on a stage: 95

Auditions attended: 26

Wigs worn: 4

Employers: 9

Trips to New York: 2

Dinners with Broadway stars: 2

Callbacks for a national tour: 1

Boyfriends: 0

Trips to the White House: 2

Books completely read: 4

Books started: 8 (that I can remember)

Moves: 2

Months I had to pay rent: 0

Relaying principles to the barely potty-trained and alien detection

When you're just the babysitter is it really worth it to try and teach the tike a life-lesson? Can a babysitter really instill values in a kid? Today I went toe-to-toe with a 3-year-old and though I didn't budge I still wonder if I should've just let her eat more raisins...it's clear that her defiance usually gets her the raisins...

Today I also made some money by participating in a psychology study over at Vandy where I (not kidding) had to sit in front of a screen and detect aliens. I was supposed to figure out which aliens were "Mabs" and which were "Nogs" or something like that. I didn't figure out any pattern and it made me a little suspicious that the exercise was really a test to see how many times it would take me to press the space bar in a warm, quiet room to fall asleep. I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around 275.

Also I have been working like a disney entertainment cast member...and by that I mean indentured servant...I've been averaging about 10 hours per day the past few days. Interesting thing, the more I work the more energy I have...lately I had been battling this consistent tired thing but lately I've been too busy to be tired. Kinda reminds me of college or something.

Ps within the next week I get to do great things, ready? Christmas with my immediate family, a reunion with my dad's family (all the cousins have not been in the same room in over 8 years), get to see one of my best friends get married, get to go see Spring Awakening (that's great with my favorite person (that's great too!), get to roadtrip with fun friends, and get to spend New Years Eve with my nearest and dearest!! That's alot to look forward to. :)

Do you like my festive Christmas background?!?

So I'm combating my child-allergy with a 1-2 punch: gummy vitamins & lots of purell. We'll see if I can sleep the whole night tonight without being woken up by coughing fits. Per my mother's advice I'm doing some research on ways to build one's immune system. Mine definitely needs some help. Clearly.

Have you heard? My parents are moving to Virginia (my life is so circular...cyclical? what do i really mean?). First I go to college there, then my sister goes to law school there, then my dad goes to teach there? Who knew? We will see how this transition unfolds...hopefully everyone will love their lives. That's all I really care about.

Also, I resonated with this quote I read the other night:

"When you come to know God by experience, you will be convinced of His love. When you are convinced of His love, you can believe Him and trust Him. When you trust Him, you can obey Him. When you trust Him, you have no problem obeying Him. 'For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome' (1 Jn. 5.3)." --Blackaby & King

I know 2 different people who got nominated for 2 different Grammy awards. Weird, yet cool. I wish success once removed brought in commission.

I am still lo lo loving Lauren Winner's book "Girl Meets God." And still not done. Kind of a slow reader. Learned that the summer in Colorado when my daily (hours long) reading assignments were completed hours after my roommates. I'll diagnose it as mild add. I have to read the same paragraph over and over sometimes because my thoughts have drifted to formulating lists in my head or fantasizing about Adam Brody or brownies.

Speaking of food I have this new MYSTERIOUS side-job where I get paid to eat. AWESOME. Can't give you the details though. Sorry.

I am beginning to get restless for a real job--and by real job I mean real paycheck. Normalcy is sounding more and more appealing...it may take me awhile to get there logistically but a dog, a 1 year lease and a committed relationship all sound sort of appealing. sort of...

Allergic to children?

I began babysitting again for the first time since highschool (basically) last month. Since then, every time I babysit children within days I get sick. I have gotten ear infections, colds, stomach viruses, and now a sinus infection. I think I'm very not-used-to kid germs.

Or I'm allergic to children.

Lately...

What do you see off in the distance in Nashville?
Hills. Typically, beautiful rolling hills.
What do you see off in the distance in Orlando?
Something large, tacky, and blinking. It could be a ferris wheel or it could be McDonalds. You just never know.

Lauren Winner is my literary soulmate. Or maybe just soulmate.

The Jonas brothers have amazing style. I wonder who puts together their clothes. I either want to date one of the Jonas brothers or their stylist.

Tonight I am grateful for my religion. I am so grateful for the peace that comes from prayer and reading God's word. Life can really get overwhelming at times and the Bible and prayer lighten the load. I am so grateful. I have many friends and family who don't have faith to lean on during hard times. I can't imagine how sorrowful it must be. Life is meant to be filled with the light of God and hope. I am so thankful to know that.

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27

"For we are His creation--created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance for us." Eph. 2:10

"I am an unceasingly spiritual being with an eternal destiny in God's great universe." -Dallas Willard

Wednesday I am returning to my alma mater DCA for Career Day 2008. Indeed. They have asked me to return to talk to the tikes about a career in the performing arts. It should be a really interesting experience. I'll report back after it's over.

"She yearned to travel and write great books." -Louisa May Alcott

I've been home approximately one week and 3 days and I'm already scheming up my next 4 travel adventures. They are primarily on a small scale but they put me on the road nonetheless. Oh what I would give to just travel and not have to be concerned with finances. Something about the open road and travel...it's just, well, my favorite. If you haven't heard about "Spain: On the Road Again" you are seriously missing out. It is a documentary-style show on PBS in which Gwyneth Paltrow and chef Mario Batalli roadtrip across Spain dining as they go...

My next travels (chronologically):
-Lynchburg this weekend where many of my favorite people are converging claiming to celebrate their 'alumnus' status (but really just wanting to see friends)

-3 weeks later doing a day trip to Atlanta to see my friend Cheryl perform in Thoroughly Modern Millie

-A few days later going to Orlando for Disney audition

-A week and a half later going to Philly and DC with Ash!

Maybe I'll do Spain in 09...

On a separate, less analytical note, today I went to the memorial service of a mother of dear friends of mine-Vicki Foltz. She was driving either to or from one of her daughter's wedding showers on Friday night when she suffered a brain aneurysm. A woman in seemingly perfect health one minute was gone the next.

Vicki was a brilliant artist. She was one of the first directors I ever worked with--a ten-year-old version of me performed in shakespeare's 'midsummer night's dream' if you can imagine that! I remember as a kid looking up to her and thinking, "Wow, I wanna do something like what she does one day!" I wasn't around tons of women in the arts so Vicki always inspired me.

Years later Vicki's life has made an imprint on hundreds through her plays, classes, and music. The people she has most impacted though are her kids. I've been friend with Brandon, Tyler and Cameron since I was about seven or eight. Cameron spoke today about how her Mom was her rock. She always lended an ear and spoke truth into her life. And also blessed her family with great home-cooked meals and many, many laughs.

What a legacy. Parenting is clearly hard work. I observed that firsthand last week. But it is also the single greatest way to invest in lives. Tonight when I had the joy of sitting down to a meal with my mom and dad I looked at the home-cooked lasagna in front of me differently. How many countless meals has my mom prepared? All with love. And a servant's heart. What a gift.

Motherhood 101

Last week I had the privilege of accompanying 7 people between the ages of 6 months and 5 years old to the beach. 3 sets of parents came along too. Throughout the 8 day/8 night excursion I experienced many a wake up call, surprising moment, and new perspective. The following are a few observations I made on the trip.

OBSERVATION 1-Kids develop unique personalities insanely early. This seems sort of obvious but it is so interesting to see two preschoolers who live in the same environment have literally converse personalities. People are in part a product of their environment and the genetic traits they inherit but also just come out of the womb with distinction. Birth order has something to do with it...but some of it is literally just the specific personality God gives each of us.

OBSERVATION 2-This is linked to observation 1. Previously when I've encountered a child with an unbecoming personality trait I consciously or sub-consciously blamed the parents. It was somehow their fault. A kid with a sour disposition cannot be 100% blamed on a parent's childrearing.

OBSERVATION 3-Parenthood can be increasingly less stressful when finances are not an overwhelming concern. This makes sense. It's one less thing to worry about.

OBSERVATION 4-Oh. This is a biggie. Maybe the most noteworthy thing I recognized for the first time in my life. (Which is ridiculous by the way.)

MOTHERS DO THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE WORK.

Which leads to my conclusion that wives should have the ultimate say on how many kids to have.

OBSERVATION 5-To decide to have kids you must be so completely overwhelmed with the desire to have children that you are ready to give up all self-focus. You are no longer "[Insert name here.]" You are Mommy. So you better be ready. It's a whole life shift.

OBSERVATION 6-The constant supervision and care that small children need can be utterly exhausting. Sleep never feels like enough.

OBSERVATION 7-A good husband/father makes parenthood so much more enjoyable (bearable?). If they have the desire to pitch in and help and then actually do it the whole experience is improved for the mother by leaps and bounds.

OBSERVATION 8-Potential for being a good father (or mother) should be among the criteria considered in dating. Parenthood is for a majority of people a huge aspect of life. Marrying someone who would make a good father or mother is critically important.

OBSERVATION 9-The week at the beach severely diminished my (perhaps) romanticized view of parenthood. Taking care of kids 24/7 is a much more serious task than babysitting for a few hours. I was reminded that every season of life has joys and perks. Parenthood is something amazing in its time. I look forward to being equipped and ready when the day comes. For now I'm happy with my graham cracker-less life.

Summing It All Up

"When I reach the end of my days, a moment or two from now, I must look backward on something more meaningful than the pursuit of houses and land and stocks and bonds. I will consider my earthly existence to have been wasted unless I can recall a loving family, a consistent investment in the lives of people, and an earnest attempt to serve the God who made me. Nothing else makes much sense." ~James Dobson

The little things...

It has been a number of months since I had the fiscal flexibility to buy extras. It's been a choice based on my values. When I decide I want something to work I make it work. If I want to travel I figure out how to afford it. Because of that kind of mentality I had to trim some less important things. Now I'm back at home (where expenses are minimal) and now I have the money to not only save, go out to eat as well as see a movie (these 2 were mutually exclusive for awhile). But I can also afford (drum roll please...)

to buy songs on itunes again!!

What to buy you ask?

I don't know if its being back in Nash, or the evolution of country music, or my new friend Mark but...I'm buying some country...that is if you consider Darius Rucker and Taylor Swift 'country' Or my friend Hillary's (Lady Antebellum) new single. I'm also buying that Pink song b/c 1) i love a good catchy feminist rock anthem and 2) i just learned a really sweet hiphop dance to it at vandy on monday which i can bust out anywhere and surprise people by just how straightTHUG i can break. I'm also currently enjoying the Kings of Leon, lovebug (the only song) by the jonas brothers. Of course I'm going to finally catch up on some of my typical piano rock (Coldplay and my fave liberty band bosc). Ah, its just nice to refresh the old ipod. Don't you just hate it when you feel like you have nothing exciting to listen to? And with my new daily 40 minute 8 AM commute I need some decent music to get me through. Woody and Jim are just not cutting it.

Employed!

I found work! I'm going to be holding down the fort on the administrative front part-time at Select Staffing. I went there to get a temp job and they offered me one at their office. On the spot. I called them Wednesday and they offered me a job that day and I started Thursday. Gotta love that! They're fully aware that I'm only staying til Christmas and they're cool with that. The people are nice, the work is actually semi-fulfilling, and the location is cool. It's on the 2nd floor of a shopping center on West End. Walking distance to the Parthenon and Bread and Company. Two very important places. Right by Maggie-Moo's. Also, I'm gonna do the beach thing for a week in October. Hang out with cute kids, lounge on the beach, make a little money. I'm really pumped because I love the little people but I'm rarely around any. I'm also gonna start back at Anthro part-time starting mid-October. Just in time for Christmas. :-)

How bout this a-mazing fall weather?! I totally missed fall last year. I was in Florida from June til December. I went straight from Summer to Winter. I definitely felt like I had missed out on something. Makes me that much more aware and grateful for the beautiful shift in the seasons I'm experiencing now. Mazel Tov!

Musings on unemployment, people, and "home"

Hey hey blog world.

I have been itching to write but for the past week or so had determined that I had no news for you. Nada.

*Before I start I have to tell you that I happen to be watching G's to Gents on tv right now and they are having breakdowns. And g's + breakdowns = justawkward.

Anyway.

The item of business that has been occupying my time/thought/attention/obsession lately is work. I have decided to stay in Nashville from now until Christmas time. This appears to be the perfect time to work alot and save alot before a potential move in early '09 (Fla or NY or Youneverknowtiligo).

To give myself a personal pep talk as well as let you in on the many, many positions for which I've been applying I am displaying them in list form.

Jobs applied for:
-Server at Cheesecake (even though I’ve never been a waiter)
-Anthro (well I gave them availability)
-J. Crew (although I didn’t follow up later)
-A smile model for an expo this weekend
-A hostess for a construction company's skybox at the titans stadium
-a receptionist position
-portrait model for photography class
-human resources assistant for macy’s
-actress in music video
-actress in another music video
-extra in ‘restaurant footage’ (I don’t know what for)
-assistant at a real estate office in hillsboro village
-brand ambassador
-data entry clerk

I've applied for all these within the past 5 days so hopefully. something. will work out. soon.

I just can't handle a purposeless life! Now I feel like I need to counter that with a positive statement: I have been blessed to be in my parents house where rent is free, coffee is made before I wake up, and the kitchen is always open (so to speak). Also I've been able to do some things for friends and family who need the extra help. That's been nice too. But now I'm ready to work. Work work work. I haven't had a 'day job' since December '07 and I've decided that if I'm going to be in Nashville and not acting for the next 3 months I am going to take dance classes, go to yoga/pilates consistently, travel at least once a month, and make some good money. So now that I've decided that...it's time to get to work! Ugh!

Oh. Also. I made another list (I like lists. ALRIGHT.) that are positions I'm considering applying for (if you have feedback, by all means throw it back):

-a family from Two Rivers asked if I wanted to go along with them to Destin and help watch the kids for a week in October
-server at CPK
-trying to get my foot in the door doing session work
-(tryingtogetmyfootinthedoor) recording demos
-signing with a talent agency where I would be an extra in films
-substitute teaching
-tutoring
-teaching guitar lessons
-providing coaching for high school seniors putting together a college theatre program entrance audition
-nannying? (although I would only like that if it paid better than what babysitters make)

So that's whats going on with me. Few epiphanies lately. My mind has primarily been occupied by a job. Although I have been thinking a few deep-ish thoughts:

1. It's not fair for kids (especially adult kids) to be guilted into making decisions based on the issues of their parents. If a parent does that, they are selfish.
2. Are relationships always salvageable? If you've gone through the ringer with someone, can you eventually have an ideal relationship?
3. I feel like the concept of having my own place and signing a year lease sounds fantastic. But maybe as long as I had a few months of notice, I wouldn't mind continuing the vagabond life. I think I just like a plan. But shopping at Ikea does sound so dreamy. I haven't lived in one spot for more than 4 months since 2004. Picture that.

That's all for now.

So I 'redesigned' the blog to make it reflect me a little bit more. Blogger gives you limited options but i still like this better than before. What do you think?

It seems that I'm going to be spending most of my time in Nashville until the holidays roll around. I'm kind of glad too! I haven't lived in this town for more than a month at a time since 2004. I'm ready to re-embrace Music City.

I'm also compiling a list of goals for the upcoming months. That will be shared TBA.

That blog on God that I was supposed to write a few days ago...

I'm not going to add much commentary to the notes I've already taken because I'm starting to make myself late so I gotta go. :) Happy Friday people.

A few thoughts from my journal (written while I was overlooking the Gulf of Mexico):

What is my religion about?

I tend to live as if it is about me, about what God can do or wants to do through me.

My religion must be about worshipping a God who deserves to be worshipped.

Other things will fall into place if my religion is about God.

May I have worshipful moments daily.
Meditation on Truth will help me stay centered and peaceful.

The Heart of Worship is about recognizing the glory of the God who created the earth.

* * * *

A few notes from church at Midtown Fellowship last Sunday (sorry the organization is poor):

Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.
-Mother Theresa

Phillipians 1

Love with abundance and discernment

Love growing in knowledge and discernment so that you can determine what really matters and can be pure and blameless in the day of Christ

You can read scriptures 2 ways:

1) Asking what must I do?

2) Being in awe of what God has done

vs 11) filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God

If we are in Christ we have already been filled.

Right relationship with Christ isn’t about what I did but about what CHRIST did!

“Before we can break commandments 2-10 we have to break #1.” –Martin Luther

*Running to sin is not believing God’s overflowing unconditional love for me.

Christ is not just a model for how to do life. We have been changed by him—“No longer I but Christ in me!”