Did I ever tell you about my first solo subway ride in NYC?

I arrived in New York on Valentines Day. It was a Saturday.

The next day I had a callback for Hairspray. I was venturing out on my first train ride alone. I got heavy instruction from Patric the night before. I brought my directions with me on notebook paper and walked down the steps into the underworld...also known as Metro Transit.

It was a Sunday morning and I guess some of my fellow transportees were just coming to after a rough Valentines Day night.

I slid onto a bench on the 6 and found myself not trying to stare at the long-haired hispanic man seated across from me. He was very, very chatty...but not with anyone who was actually present in the car. I'm not sure who it was he was talking to in his head but he felt very passionate about it. I kept thinking Please don't notice I'm here and I'm real...

I felt very...nervous.

When I arrived at my audition about a hundred of us were corralled into a holding room where I made friends with two queens. Yes, queens. There's no better word for these boys. Don't feel awkward.

I told them about my Millie-esque arrival in the City by train/bus the day before and how I was freaked out by the heavily intoxicated wilderness looking man on the subway just before. He could have had a gun for all I knew!

Queenie 1 goes: Drunk? Honey, he was cracked out. Welcome to New York.

It Will Be Beautiful

I totally have a thought and I am sincerely too tired to communicate well but I wanted to share the thought before it's gone.

My birthday is coming up in a week and a half. I tend to view birthdays as the 'new year' in the sense that i do a lot of reflection and self-evaluation, etc.

I was reading today about global warming and I read this thought that for all the time and energy we expend on 'saving the planet' and 'going green' how much have we thought to enjoy this gorgeous earth while we've got it?

And for me...


I'm only going to be in my 20's for a short time. I'm only going to have this healthy, young, bursting with energy body for a time. Why am I not enjoying the wonders of creation?

So one of my birthday resolutions (if you will) is to make an effort to take advantage of the landscapes of the earth in my 25th year. I'm not sure where it will take me. But I know it will be beautiful.

NY week 6! wow!

So I'm back in New York after a whirlwind weekend in Lynchburg. I was blessed enough to get to see not only dear old friends but also my parents and my sister who I didn't count on seeing again for a solid 6 months! We all got to share meals, laughs and great j crew sales. Even better we got to walk through a house my parents are making an offer on. After all the shit that happened in Nashville it is SO exciting and joyful to walk in an empty house that my parents can fill and live in and start. over.

I left Lynchburg beyond sleep deprived. 2 nights of 3 hours of sleep. It kinda makes you crazy. I really felt like I was in the twilight zone Monday afternoon when I got back to the City. Ya know those moments where you're like "Wait, is this a reality show. Where's the hidden camera? Seriously." That's so how I felt.

Yesterday I tried to make it up to an audition but overslept b/c I had forgotten to set my alarm. I ended up standing outside in line in the freezing cold for upwards of an hour. The security guard just stood on the other side of the glass in the empty lobby staring at us while my toes got so cold they were hurting.

It's moments like that that make me feel less romantic about New York.

Today I had a total of 3 hour or longer conversations about life and being 23 (24 in 2 weeks) and what city to live in and what ideologies to believe and whether or not to pursue graduate school or to pursue making real money or to pursue the art.

These years have to be the strangest most fulfilling exciting gut-wrenching years of our lives.

I'm trying to sincerely take this whole journey one step at a time...if I put it in writing it will be good. I am planning to definitely stay in New York through the end of May. I may (REALLY) kind of hate my job and hate crowds and hate dirty handrails. But I love this experience and the challenge and I will love having said I did it for more than 3 months. I also know that my values are changing and I may want something new and different soon. Something that is a big picture investment. Like grad school in a discipline I'd like to eventually teach?

And you may or may not be wondering about the door situation...

I'm presently staying at my uncle's totally charming apartment in cute Astoria. If you ever move to New York and can't afford hipster Brooklyn or ridiculously expensive too small Manhattan, Astoria is not far and the apartments are bigger and the streets are quiet in a good way. The kicker is that he has a spare bedroom so you know what that means. I am in a room of my own with a bed (not a futon or an air mattress) a desk and a DOOR!! I am so grateful for the space to be alone but I am still looking forward to the magical day when I will have my own rented door. It looks like it will be happening April 15th! It couldn't come soon enough.

In the mean time I'm trying to not let the fact that I'm without a place of my own break my spirit. If you have any positive vibes or encouraging thoughts feel free to send them this way. :-)

non-update.

still don't have time or energy for a lengthy post but i will say that for the first time in a long time I felt like God was speaking to me over the weekend. Maybe to you that sounds egocentric but I really think that if there is a God who is capable of executing every detail of our planet down to the fingerprints on your hands He is also capable of caring about you as an individual and wants you to have hope.

also it (KNOCK ON LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF WOOD) looks like i'll be making arrangements tomorrow night to move into a sublease quite soon! and i'll only be like 13 blocks from Patric's and more importantly only like, 3 blocks from China Moon. HOLLAR. Chicken and broccoli EVERYDAAAAYYYYY. I won't get sick of it. (Just ask Grace @ Tokyo's on Timberlake.)

I will also say that within the past week I have learned my limitations. I really don't have time to go through a personal crisis, find an apartment, work, audition, travel, stay up all night, eat unhealthy food, learn a new city, maintain friendships/relationships (I'm sorry for my long-distance friends who I haven't called since being here) AND make a good grade in my graduate class. Basically I'm just gonna have to make really good grades on every other class I take in the future to balance out this one. It is safe to say the choice was a bit audacious. I'm learning my lesson.

So much to blog about! So little time! The good news is that I have a 8 hour train ride on Monday where I can blog to my heart's content (how lame am i for just saying that?)

I am loving life and uncertainty and joe beans coffee and the crazy amount of wonderful people in lynchburg this weekend and 14 auditions in the next 15 days and turning 24 in 2 weeks!

I love you all.

and sidenote i love when people tell me in real life they have read my blog and know what's going on with me. it feels kind of like when people call me "Hil" for the first time. Like, awww we are best friends and you care!

Also, hello to the person who reads my blog from Norway!

That's all.

nyc.FOUR

My New Place!!! jk.

I have now been in NYC for a total of 25 days. Man, that doesn’t sound like long but it sure does feel like it. Maybe because it’s been the inundation of new places, smells, means of transportation, people, ways of life, languages, and living conditions. So much new at once makes the familiar seem like a past life.

For the first few weeks I was here I felt almost illogically joyous about NYC. Every train ride conquered, taxi hailed, and audition attended made me feel like I could do anything. As the weeks have worn on and money seems to be harder to come by then I once foresaw it truly is difficult to remain encouraged. Some days are clearly better than others. For me it’s a weird mix of hormone levels and actual circumstances. The waters of life could really be smooth sailing but if it’s that 1 day of the month one would think someone stole my kitten and punched my grandma. Perhaps that’s more information than you wanted…

That room of my own with 4 walls and a door remains illusive but I remain hopeful!

I really don’t fancy blogging about negative situations or worrisome thought so I will spin this in a positive analytical way.
It’s really interesting to see how I’ve evolved from this person who thrives on change and adventure and spontaneity and the unknown into a person who longs for the day when I lay my head on a pillow in a room that I can call my own that I intend to live in for at least a year in a city where I know I should be, going to work to do a job I feel fulfilled doing. There really are good reasons why most people live “normal” lives.

On the other hand….:-)

I wouldn’t trade this tumultuous time in Manhattan for anything. I love a challenge. And if that challenge is finding my way out of Queens (when I didn’t intend to arrive there) or if it’s figuring out a way to stretch a dollar (order the large portion from China Moon instead of the small because you get 3 meals for the price of 2!) both involve a bit of risk, adventure and scheming.

For me New York’s appeal before I moved here was that it really appeared to be the ultimate challenge. When I came to visit with my parents a year ago (perhaps you saw the “Trip of a Lifetime” photo albums on the Facebook) I had no intention of ever moving to this city. I remember my second visit to New York (the first when I was a toddler) when I was in 7th grade. It was the first time I saw a show on Broadway (Cats) and the first time I heard the words “Star Bucks” paired together. But the emotion that I felt most strongly about New York---believe it or not—was dislike! I was utterly overwhelmed by the materialism in the Big Apple. Too much expensive shopping for my 13-year-old taste I suppose.

While I was a kid who always dreamed of making a living being a performer I never wrapped my brain around the thought of actually moving to New York to go for it. That seemed like something other people did. People who grew up in musical families, people who were the stars of their college theatre shows, people from the North, people who weren’t Baptist, people who heck, at least majored in musical theatre?

But time and again over the past year doors have opened. Opportunities have presented themselves and well, the punch line is I’m living in New York City.

So since so many doors opened for this astounding opportunity I have to ask myself: What’s the point?

Being immersed in a culture that is so pervasively secular (Godless?) it is easy for the concept of God being intimately involved and interested in one’s life to seem truly foreign. But as a Believer I must cling to the hope that God cares. He cares that I don’t exactly know where I’m going to live in April. He cares that I feel the pull daily between the dream of getting married and raising a family and the dream of travel and performance. My friend Maura pointed out that perhaps God doesn’t care so much exactly what I choose to do but what kind of character I have doing it—just like my Dad.

And ultimately He loves me no matter what choice I make.

And if God really does believe in me and hope good things for me and support me like the father He’s blessed me with here on earth then I really do feel peace amidst the uncertainty and craziness.

I would still like a room of my own though—with a door.

An Open Letter to my Feet

Dear Feet,

Ok, fine. I'll be the first to say it.

I'm sorry for moving to New York.

I didn't really give you a heads up. But look at it this way, I didn't give anyone a heads up! I didn't condition you for the miles of pavement and cobblestone walking. I didn't buy you hiking boots or a bike. And I'm sorry about that. But the way you've developed this ridunkulous blister is just sort of awkward. I'm walking back and forth at Anthropologie at the pace of an 87 year old. How does that make me look? So can we please reconcile our differences? I promise to give you a pedi in Lynchburg next weekend. Eh?

Ever Grateful Yet Sore,
Hil

new york 3.0

Helloooo it’s me Hil reporting live from E. 87th and Lex. Sadly, I failed and didn’t write yesterday (But seriously I had 2 auditions and then worked from 5 pm to 11 pm. What do you want?) but here I am. Wednesday is almost Tuesday anyway, right?

Like many of you we had a snowstorm here in Manhattan over the weekend. Flurries of Sunday AM were charming. A foot of snow turned to slush on Monday was less charming.

Let’s back up and do a chronological report….

Last Wednesday-Friday I took the bus down to Washington for a callback I had for a show there. I got to spend some quality time with Leslie and feel a bit of non-New York shock (“It’s so QUIET here!!). By the time Friday rolled around I was ready to head back to the city.

I started work at Soho Anthro on Friday which has totally been a blessing. The work is mehhh because obviously its not challenging and I’ve been doing it (on and off) for almost 2 years. But make no mistake I am SUPREMELY GRATEFUL for having a job.

The awareness that has compounded my frustration is that I’ve done all this self-analysis for my organizational behavior class that tells me I need autonomy, a sense of contributing to a worthy cause and challenging projects to really enjoy my job. And those things, well, I’m not getting. I guess I should just view them as a trade off for getting to have the flexibility to attend auditions when I need to and getting to live in this unbelievable place.

(sidenote there is a man across the street right now with a cane and a cig that looks suspiciously like Johnny Cash. He’s even wearing black.)

Anyway.

I spent Saturday day writing a paper for my class and then Saturday night I got standing room tickets for West Side Story with Larry (who is in town auditioning for a few days) and my dearest Maura. The show was incredible and while I spent the first act on my tiptoes trying to peer through heads the size of Christmas trees during the second act Larry found me a sneaky spot in front of a column where I had a glorious view of the stage. I even had a little alone space to tear up during the sad parts. After it was over we went to this artsy bar/restaurant called Vintage. (So New York, right?)

Sunday I worked again in Soho and finished my paper. That’s sort of boring to write about…umm…

Oh yes, Monday I had planned to move into my sublet on the upper West side but then the blizzard of 09 hit so I stayed back at Patric’s and hung out with him and his roommate Nick and his girlfriend Melissa (who you might see on a new Clean & Clear commercial. It’s for Morning Burst. She dances in pajamas and slippers.) So we went to Serendipity to get dessert and ultimately got lunch and dessert (and I got 4 cups of coffee. He just kept filling it up! And I kept sipping!). I had a delicious broccoli cheese omelette and then we split this incredible Forbidden Broadway brownie ice cream sundae deliciousness. All the while we were sitting in a pink room telling funny stories with snow falling outside. It was such a good day. ☺

Yesterday I attended two auditions: one for Tokyo Disney and the other for a theatre in California. Then I worked last night at Anthro and our managers ordered pizza for us. (What? New York, everything is better here.)

Today I decided that I’m tired of having to wear a hat everywhere just because my head is cold. I’d rather wear it when I want to for fashion purposes. Spring can not come soon enough. I turn 24 in about a month and I hope that I’m not still all bundled up with frostbitten fingers.

Tonight I’m meeting my friend Hanley (ANOTHER dear friend who just moved here. I’m not kidding) for dinner in Hell’s Kitchen and then Patric and I are going to meet up with Maura and her boyfriend Anton to celebrate his birthday.

Oh and as far as moving goes I’m not moving until the weekend because my friends who I am subletting from are moving to Washington Heights this weekend. But do you know what this means for me?

Do you KNOW what this means for me?!

It means that I get 4 whole walls and my own…DOOR.
No living room living for this little gypsy. ;-)

I love NYC!

~Hil

mini-update cause it's not tuesday

Snow flurries in New York are just charming and picturesque (so far).
Small dogs on leashes are to New York what lizards are to Florida. (eeeeverywhere!)
Saw West Side Story on Broadway last night. So moving, so fantastic. I love art done with excellence!! [sidenote: I think the story moved me even more because I have puerto rican immigrant friends. it's amazing how far we've come with prejudice in this country...and yet how far we have to go...]
Taking a class online when I have the major distraction of New York City around me is a character builder.
I'm moving into my sublet tomorrow. Which means I no longer "live with friends." Which means I really live here.
Sometimes I really enjoy alone time.
I feel blessed.

nyc.2

Allie from "The City" on MTV

Today marks day 11 in the Big Apple. I kind of feel like weekly Tuesday updates are a good habit to start. New music comes out on Tuesdays. Why not blog entries?
Anyway.

I’m writing presently from a beautiful apartment in Tribeca. I’m sitting on a gorgeous cream modern sofa with all cream furniture, gorgeous dark hardwood floors and the most beautiful (can they be beautiful?) flat screen television I’ve ever seen. Through providential hook ups I knew someone who knew someone who needed a babysitter in New York so my first employment in the City was reading 4 and a half year old New Yorker Sophie Kaufman a few books before bed. She is adorable and full of life and she is just not one of those kids who is annoying—YAY!!

Today I also interviewed at the Anthropologie in Soho. Not only did they call me an hour later to tell me they want to hire me but they also emailed me my schedule for the next 5 weeks. At my other two Anthros that would’ve been nothing short of a fantasy. They’re giving me pretty decent hours and Soho is my absolutely favorite part of my favorite city. I feel pretty lucky. Speaking of the City, about a month ago I started watching “the Hills” spin-off “The City.” It was fun to watch and imagine living there and the people are beautiful and it’s a glamorous silly little reality show. I decided to make the City’s theme song my ring tone b/c it made me so excited about moving to New York. So, yesterday I was catching up with my show on mtv.com when I had a little downtime between my interview and an audition. After my audition I hopped on the R and decided to go to Herald Square to kill some time and explore a spot I hadn’t been to yet. So I get on my train (nothing unusual) and scan the other passengers (because New Yorkers are way too interesting not to scan) and I glance down at the other end of the train and there is Allie—one of the girls who is on THE CITY!! I was just watching her on my laptop that morning and there she was on my R train—in my same car?! What are the odds of that?!?

It totally made my day. I love this town.

What else…what else…

As far as learning my way around New York it’s pretty incredible how quickly I feel like I know where to go. I feel 95% confident that I could get anywhere in Manhattan fairly quickly. I got turned around for 2.5 seconds the day after I got here and haven’t messed up on getting anywhere since. Streets with numbers make a world of sense to me.

Ok let’s backtrack to things that happened last week…

Wednesday I got up and out of the house by 6 AM to attend some auditions. These were calls for members of Actors Equity, and then EMC (membership candidates—what I am) get seen if there are any available spots. So I got up at the crack stood outside in the cold from 7:30-8:30 and got told by 9 am they would only be seeing union actors. Awesome. So I shrugged my shoulders and headed a few blocks over to the Equity building. There were two auditions going on there that I felt pretty confident I’d get to audition for. Long story short by 3:45 I still hadn’t been seen and the monitors running the audition told me “It’s a no go.” While that might’ve been annoying I have 2 conclusions. 1) I would much rather make the effort and go to the auditions and know for certain that I would not get to be seen than sleep in and wonder if I had missed my big break b/c I was lazy. 2) I have a better chance of being seen when an audition is for specific characters as opposed to a whole season of shows b/c everyone comes out of the woodwork when there are all kinds of roles available.
It’s all strategy really.

So the next day I got up 30 minutes earlier (5:30 this time) and went down to audition again. This time it was for a musical version of “Little House On the Prairie” that has gotten a lot of buzz. Apparently Laura Ingles Wilder has a bunch of fans that I don’t know about. It’s at the best regional theatre in the country—Papermill Playhouse in New Jersey. It’s often referred to the closest theatre to Broadway that’s not on the island.

This weekend I also got to be a part of a Play Festival! It was all new works. It’s so random how this happened. I got an email a few days before I moved to NYC from a stage manager in Sarasota, FL at the Golden Apple Theatre. I auditioned there in August but don’t actually know anyone there. Apparently I was on their email list. They were asking if anyone knew a non-equity actress in the New York area. I was like…hmm..wait, WAIT THAT’S ME!!

So I emailed back and I got a call that evening. A mini-interview and then an offer. Just. Like. That. So this past weekend we rehearsed on Friday, had a tech rehearsal on Saturday and then performed on Sunday. The awkward part was that it was a 2 person play and the other person in the play was also my director. And as a youngest of two kid I sort of felt like I was getting bossed around by my big sister but it was only 3 days and I tried to compartmentalize and keep my annoyance level at a minimum. We are in control of our attitudes, aren’t we? How bout that.

I can say that I’ve really never been as nervous to perform as I was this past Sunday. Maybe because it was a straight play, maybe because I wasn’t sure I had adequately prepared, maybe because I knew my uncle and Bill were in the audience and I wanted to impress them or maybe because I was just performing for the first time in the theatre capital of the world. Whatever reason, I was a shaky thing on Sunday. BUT, it went off without a hitch! There’s really nothing like captivating an audience and being the catalyst for laughter. Nothing like it.

Sunday night I was supposed to be the life of the Oscar party going on at Patric’s apartment but I found myself working down to the wire on a paper for Organizational Behavior. I was assigned to figure out what my personality is, its functions in the workplace, and explain how by studying the materials I can interact better with other personalities and curb my weaknesses when it comes to being efficient. The ironic thing is that the description of my personality said that I procrastinate up to the last minute on projects and have a hard time finishing them. But that ENFP’s always do finish projects they just push it to the last minute.

My paper was due at midnight and I turned it in at 11:57.

The description said I also don’t like being “pegged.”

That’s true too. Dang it.

Monday I met Sophie’s mom Jill for coffee and then I met up with Katie Gray for lunch and a movie. We saw Slumdog Millionaire which was one of the most captivating films I‘ve watched in a long time. Dev Patel the guy who played Jamal has such amazingly honest (perfect for film) eyes. I was mesmerized by the cinematography, direction, acting, use of music and script. I’m so glad a story that praises integrity has had so much success.

I think that’s all for now…if you have read this whole thing and made it all the way down here I am impressed. This was a bit wordy but I hope you feel adequately caught up. Here’s a parting question…

What if it’s not as difficult as you think it is?

nyc.1

Hello.

I’m writing this evening from my friend’s apartment on the East side of Manhattan at 60th and 2nd. If you didn’t know, when rattling off locations like that it’s always the street first, avenue second. Little NYC tidbit for ya…

I’M IN NYC!!!!!!!!

Just got here Saturday. I took the train from Lynchburg to DC (which I will say, was delightful in that it arrived an hour early and I slept the ENTIRE way) then I took a bus from DC to NYC—which only cost $20! Totally worth it. Bolt Bus free wireless!

Sunday morning I had a callback for the national tour of Hairspray. We did the same dance I learned at the callback in Atlanta—which is such a good thing b/c I’m like mentally handicapped when it comes to learning new choreography. I rocked it out and the choreographer and directors seemed to really enjoy me. I didn’t get asked to stay and read this time which was kinda a bummer. But I found out later from my friend who is on the tour that they’re simply not looking to immediately hire girls. So it wasn’t my talent that kept me from getting a job immediately it was simply that there wasn’t anything available that I’d be right for. Wah wah.

Sunday afternoon Patric and I went over to Union Square and to Soho. Both of those areas I reallllly like. In Union Square we stopped by “Crumbs” a fantastic little cupcake bakery. And if yall know me well you know that icecream gets thumbs down but cake/cupcakes/brownies/cookies get BIG THUMBS UP! So we got delicious gourmet cupcakes and ate them in the park and watched dogs do funny things.

Then we went on to meet up with some friends in Soho. I got to see the Soho Anthro which was nice but not the most exciting Anthro I’ve been to (I’ve yet find one cooler than the one in Nash). We also went in some other designer stores and we ran into Josh Hartnett and Sabra who won “So You Think You Can Dance” last year.

Yesterday I spent the middle of the day at a Starbucks on 87th and Lex working on some classwork for my first graduate business class. It’s called Organizational Behavior and it’s basically all about psychology in the workplace. I love when theoretical meets practical. It’s actually useful! Then last night I ventured over to the upper west side where I am likely subleasing in March. The apartment comes fully-furnished and includes a bulldog named Hoover. He’s funny and hopefully he won’t eat me.

Today I’ve spent my time with one of my best friends Katie Gray who also just moved here. We both moved to New York from Nashville independently. I did on Saturday and she did yesterday. Crazy right? We went to an American Apparel and a brick-oven pizza place and we got a subway map. I’m learning I prefer buses to subways. I like to see everything I’m passing even if it’s a slower mode of transportation. When you’re not in a rush you’re not in a rush, ya know?

Now I’m blogging to you b/c I was reading “Type At Work” and it was making me drowsy. Tomorrow I am going to hurry up and wait at an equity audition for a theatre season in Pennsylvania. It’s a union call and since I’m not in the union it means I might get seen. I’m taking a book and using my time practically though. I just hate that I have to get up at 6 to maybe get seen for an audition. It’s the price you pay though. Tomorrow night Patric and I are reuniting with our friend Maura who lives on the upper west side. Then Thursday I have some more auditions and I need to write a paper for my new class. And then I’m tied up most all of the weekend with my play reading for the “Zero to Sixty in One Page” play festival. I perform there on Sunday. Pretty stoked. Oh and I also get to see my friend Ale from Orlando who is in town for a callback for the Broadway show “In the Heights.”

And that concludes my first New York update! Holla back!

The Itinerary

Nashville Today-February 9th
DC February 10th & 11th
Lynchburg February 12th & 13th
New York February 14th until ???

Change

A friend of mine recently pointed out that I am unusually keenly aware of change.

Maybe that’s why I don’t like it?

I don’t mind evolution. I don’t mind change in a growing way…I just hate finality: breakups, permanent moves, death.

My parents are moving. And for the past 4 months I’ve been living in the room I grew up in. I started officially packing up today. This has been the one room I’ve lived in for the majority of the last 12 years. And when you’re 23, well that’s more than half your life.

I started going through my bookshelf and putting things in boxes. Most every book brought back a memory. Reading “Number the Stars” in middle school…graphic design books from college…theology notes from a summer leadership seminar in highschool…there’s a lot of life on that book shelf.

Here’s the thing that it all comes down to. I know when things will never again be the same. I can feel it like, in my bones. And this is one of those times. My parents are moving to Lynchburg. There is going to be a house that they will make a home and it will be their home but it won’t be mine. This yellow room I’m in right now feels like my room because I grew up in it. Nothing like that will exist in Lynchburg. No memories or childhood attached to the rooms there. Of course it will be the one house in the world where I will feel more welcomed than any other, but it won’t be my ‘home.’

So for the first time I’m really going to have to make my house my home. First I’ll have to find one. Then one day it will really be my home.

Wow isn’t growing up weird?

From the movie Garden State:

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Can't stop watching this...

Spring Awakening Closes.

Spring Awakening, a really thought provoking show I saw less than a month ago on tour, closed on Broadway yesterday. In its first year it swept the Tony awards and has had a lot of success. It played its last performance on Broadway yesterday--which is pretty unusual for such a successful show--Rent, its predecessor, played 12 years to SA's 2. I found the transcript online from the producers' speech after the performance was over. I wanna share this part with you:

"Believe me, we are saving the best for last but before we do, the other thing the Atlantic helped us with was to assemble a brilliant creative team, and with us here tonight is our extraordinary music director Kimberly Grigsby. Our resident director Bea Terry is here. But most noticeably absent tonight is our design team - our choreographer Bill T. Jones, his associate, and our director Michael Mayer. They are in London in final tech rehearsals for the launch of Spring Awakening, the British version, so they couldn't be with us, and we send them our boundless thanks for their inspired work and in return they sent their love to all tonight in the form of a lyric, which before we turn this over to the founders of our feast, I will read. It's written by a theatre songwriter — it's from Anything Can Whistle:

'With so little to be sure of,
If there's anything at all.
If there's anything at all,
I'm sure of here and now and us together.
Thanks for everything we did,
Everything that's past,
Everything's that's over too fast.
None of it was wasted,
All of it will last:
Everything that's here and now and us together.
It was marvelous to know you
And it isn't really through.
Crazy business this, this life we live in-
Can't complain about the time we're given-
With so little to be sure of in this world,
We had a moment.
A marvelous moment.'

So I spent the week back in Lynchburg where I graduated from college almost 2 years ago. Here's what I noticed:

the people on campus are young. quite a bit younger than me. and back in the day, they seemed old. weird.

i had a bit of culture shock going back to it's-cool-and-popular-to-be-a-conservative-christian world. i have seen so much of the real world since 05/07. my little quote from benjamin button at the top of the screen really holds true.

lynchburg isn't a bad place to live. it's just smaller. less commercialism, less nightlife, less going on in general. its not necessarily bad, it's just less.

and there's nothing innately ghetto about downtown lynchburg...it's more run-down than ghetto.

college kids get stressed out and worked up about generally less important (trivial?) things than adults do. calm down about not getting the lead. and quit whining about the guy who has gotten all the leads that you wanted. you'll regret all the breath, energy, and thought you gave to it. your time in college--especially in the world of college theatre--is a blip on the map of life. it doesn't define your talent and it doesn't determine if you'll have a successful career. what you can learn from it? life is not always fair. work hard.

For the first time in...perhaps a year, maybe less...I felt deeply moved in a corporate worship service the other night.

This isn't because I haven't longed for a stirring in my soul. It's because I've felt like there was so much mess...so many freakin hurdles to cross to have a meaingful moment with God in public. If it wasn't people storming the altar (in a bad way) at Two Rivers it was terrible music and trite preaching somewhere else. Church and I have had quite the year. And in so, God and I.

My moment came last Wednesday night at a Liberty campus worship service. Pretty simple moment really. We started singing a song with this lyric:

Jesus You are the difference in my life

A complicated existence began to shape into a pretty simple one. The difference in my life, the hope that I live for starts and ends with Jesus. It's so not cool. I know. Attaching yourself to the word "Jesus" gives people license to make all these terrible assumptions about you. But the bottom line is that Jesus IS the difference in my life. And there's nothing I'm more grateful for.

Things Learned in 2008

I wrote a similarly titled list last year. Initially I didn’t feel particularly inspired to recount the things I had learned this past year but once I sat and thought a list came. And here ya have it.

1. When having disagreements with roommates it is better to communicate then not. When I was living in Florida in the fall of 2007 I had a terribly non-communicative living situation. It was basically 2 against 2. Instead of confronting roommates about things they did that I thought were selfish and inconsiderate I ended up venting to my other roommate. Eventually the roommate who was in the wrong found out about my issue and decided to play the victim. In short, it would’ve been better if I just communicated clearly in the first place. I have this thing about preferring to be liked than not and in turn I avoid confrontation at all costs. Sometimes honest conversation is just the better thing. Because nothing gets resolved when you don’t talk. And btw, this counts for 2008 because this concept didn’t hit me until months later.
2. When someone shows you who they are believe them. This is a phrase coined by Maya Angelou that I had heard but never really resonated with me. I learned this year if you have a friend who you’ve seen have repeated issues with other friends eventually that friend will have the same issue with you. When people show you their character you have to recognize it and you can’t fault them for it later. Friend at your own risk! And if you don’t think that kind of behavior is something you want in a close friend then put a little distance there and invest elsewhere.
3. Playing peacemaker usually leads to drama. I know this sounds like a 10th grade realization but when I saw two friends have a miscommunication in the past I (being the communications major or future counselor or whatever) always wanted to play mediator to help the situation resolve itself. 9.9 times out of 10 this leads to getting roped into the situation and all of a sudden someone has a problem with you. Not worth it. Don’t become involved whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or working relationship. Don’t. Get. Involved.
4. I want a dog.
5. When you are young (especially in your career) is the time to decide how you’re going to do things. In April I had to stand up to a scary boss at a theatre and tell him that there were lines I wasn’t willing to say because they were offensive to me. I almost lost my job over this situation. But losing my integrity and self-respect would have been incredibly worse.
6. Being a Mom is freaking hard work. It’s something I want in my life SOMEday but doesn’t have nearly as much appeal as being married does. You can still be young and awesome and exciting when you’re married. Being a parent is when legit responsibility, selflessness and butt-wiping comes in. No thanks!! (For now.) Preschoolers are more than cute short people with chubby cheeks that say funny things. They are human beings that have been entrusted to YOUR care. Wowwie.
7. Being transient is fun but really not practical for putting roots down, developing relationships or making money. In order to find success in any one theatre scene I have to commit to it. This year I really want to commit to one location by the end of the year. Is this a resolution?
8. Physical closeness is basically always nice but it’s much MUCH MUUUUUCH nicer with someone you love. How’s that for inconspicuous?
9. Friendships evolve and it doesn’t have to be sad. Sometimes two friends grow apart because of circumstances. It doesn’t mean you love them less. It just means they’re married and have a 9-5 and a fence and a dog and you have a suitcase a Betsey dress and no boyfriend. It’s ok to not be in the same place in life and recognize you have less in common. That’s life.
10. Mint.com is freaking awesome.
11. Picnik.com is also freaking awesome.
12. Politics are both important and fascinating. And I judge people who are apathetic. And I judge people with ignorant arguments even more. I do. I said it!
13. I crave companionship—which may not sound like much but IS! For a year I wanted to play the field not find 1 playmate. That’s changed.
14. You can find all kinds of interesting ways to make money on the internet. You just need to look.
15. The more I learn about the performing arts the more my curiosity and interest grows in expanding other areas of performing. I want to become a great Shakespearean actress. I want to be comfortable with improv. I’m interested in acting for the camera.
16. In the same vein, I’m evolving into a person who doesn’t have to be a professional performer to feel cool. I just need work that is stimulating. Finger-spacing the hangers at Anthropologie doesn’t count. And making pennies freelance writing doesn’t count either.
17. I want to be in a relationship where I’m wanted. I don’t want to try to force a relationship where the guy likes me pretty much. But also I don’t want to get in a relationship with someone just because he thinks I’m awesome. I want mutual adoration. Somehow in my experience this has been semi-difficult to locate. Mutual adoration FTW.
18. Acting for children is really rewarding. In the world of professional theatre, children's theatre is the type of theatre that seems to be least preferable. But not for me! Exposing children to the arts and spurring their imaginations seems essential to excellent education. I remember the first professional theatre performance I saw--the national tour of Phantom of the Opera when I was in the 3rd grade. It was the beginning of something huge for me.
19. My success/failures in performing aren’t a good thermometer to take the temperature of my talent. Me being in the right place, at the right time, with the right look and the right talent is a good indication of my talent. Rejection shouldn’t tell you how talented you are. In the same way neither should success.

2008 in Numbers

More reflections to come but for now...

Trips to Orlando: 8

Performances on a stage: 95

Auditions attended: 26

Wigs worn: 4

Employers: 9

Trips to New York: 2

Dinners with Broadway stars: 2

Callbacks for a national tour: 1

Boyfriends: 0

Trips to the White House: 2

Books completely read: 4

Books started: 8 (that I can remember)

Moves: 2

Months I had to pay rent: 0

Relaying principles to the barely potty-trained and alien detection

When you're just the babysitter is it really worth it to try and teach the tike a life-lesson? Can a babysitter really instill values in a kid? Today I went toe-to-toe with a 3-year-old and though I didn't budge I still wonder if I should've just let her eat more raisins...it's clear that her defiance usually gets her the raisins...

Today I also made some money by participating in a psychology study over at Vandy where I (not kidding) had to sit in front of a screen and detect aliens. I was supposed to figure out which aliens were "Mabs" and which were "Nogs" or something like that. I didn't figure out any pattern and it made me a little suspicious that the exercise was really a test to see how many times it would take me to press the space bar in a warm, quiet room to fall asleep. I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around 275.

Also I have been working like a disney entertainment cast member...and by that I mean indentured servant...I've been averaging about 10 hours per day the past few days. Interesting thing, the more I work the more energy I have...lately I had been battling this consistent tired thing but lately I've been too busy to be tired. Kinda reminds me of college or something.

Ps within the next week I get to do great things, ready? Christmas with my immediate family, a reunion with my dad's family (all the cousins have not been in the same room in over 8 years), get to see one of my best friends get married, get to go see Spring Awakening (that's great with my favorite person (that's great too!), get to roadtrip with fun friends, and get to spend New Years Eve with my nearest and dearest!! That's alot to look forward to. :)