Self-Evaluation and a True Definition of Love

As written in my journal some months ago...

I have made the mistake of letting one guy’s opinion of me turn me into a looks-obsessed, insecure young woman. It’s not that I don’t have confidence in myself, my personality, or my mind. It’s that I have let this guy’s opinion mold my opinion of beauty. I have let his critical eye, turn my eye critical. It has made me fear sipping my coffee drink, for fear I’ll grow a double chin. Or be worried that if I enjoy a bite of cake, my arms will become overwhelming. There is something very wrong here.

I am worried I have let this guy’s opinions shape my worldview. Have I let his opinions become the most important opinions to me? Where is my self-respect? Where is my self-confidence? Where is my self-love?

I have been me for 20 years, and I have loved it.

Why the sudden second-guessing, the change of heart, the worry that I may not be all I thought I was? No, my worries are not healthy. They are not truth. And they are not right. My duty and obligation is to my Lord (who never mentions in the scriptures, His need for my flat stomach) to my family (who consistently praise my character and beauty) and to myself.

I need to be true to who I know God has fashioned me to be. He gave me curly hair for a reason. He gave me blue eyes for a reason. He purposefully made me 5’4” with a round face. My looks speak volumes of my heritage and the legacy I am carrying on. My curly hair is a reminder of my Jewish heritage, and all the Jews who have been persecuted throughout the centuries. My fair skin and blue eyes remind me of the strong Christian heritage my father passed down to me, though stained with choices both strong and weak, markings of a family of missionaries and alcoholics.

Rather than seeking to disguise the uniqueness God has given me, I should embrace it! There is no one else on earth with my story so I should live it to the fullest, not skipping over even one chapter or page.

I was reminded tonight that love is not conditional. It is not concerned with an image. It is not concerned with a fabulous exterior. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love is not proud or rude. Love is not conceited. Love is not selfish or provoked. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.
That’s the kind of love I want. That’s the kind of love I want to show.