Fido, Waterguns, and Friendlationships

I write to you today from my favorite coffeeshop in the world. And by world I mean...

World.

Fido.

And I just found out (I'm such a Cha-Cha'er) why it's called Fido anyway. Humor me and read the following:

"According to legend, coffee was discovered in the Sixth Century by an Ethiopian goat herder who was trying to find food for his herd during a long drought. We figure that Kaldi must have had a dog. We named our cafe "Fido" after this heroic dog unjustly overlooked by history. (It didn't hurt to have a really cool old neon dog sign on our roof to provide us with an almost free logo)."

Freakin awesome.

Anyway, I've been having one of those weeks where thoughts have been swirling around in my mind so much for the past few months that they are beginning to actually make sense and explode out of my ears like waterguns. (my ears being the waterguns) I'm talking strong waterpressure too. There are so many thoughts shooting out I'm actually talking about being a human double barrel watergun as opposed to discussing the thoughts themselves.

The point?

Ever since my first return home from college in 2003 Nashville has been a place where the dust settles and I get clarity. The longer I stay away the weirder it is coming back here. The less familiar, the more it seems like a past life...etc...As I've gotten older rather than be a place that brings clarity like it did when I was 18 it reminds me of how much I've grown up, changed, how much I've seen, experienced, lived.

It's wild.

And coming back and being around people who knew me in the 90's or Y2K or whatever remind me just how far i've come...or gone? It's wonderful to be loved just because. Not because of what you do or what you say or what you've accomplished or who you've impressed. Just because you're family, or friends or a child of God. Ya know?

This week my friend David (who's AWESOME) moved to Nashville. He's like my first college friend who has relocated to Nashville. Nashville is akin to Antebellum America and David represents like...FDR. It's kind of cool to have someone from your new life infiltrate your old. You know what i mean?

Here's another weird thing about my life right now...as of this week I officially don't know what anything in my future holds as far as work and living location next week. This weekend I'm going to an audition that I hope will nail me a job or two for the upcoming months. If it were the right situation it could be anywhere. Theatres in Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, the North (we'll lump that together), Disney, cruiselines...they will all be there hiring.

I've also recently recognized that my values in life are somewhat paradoxical. I value consistency but spontaneity. Commitment but freedom. Adventure but routine. Dependability but surprise. Marriage but singleness. The open road yet home. I think I've decided what i 'really want' in life will smack me in the face one day and I'll go "Ohhhh..."

Also, I've come to be a fan of politics. So weird right? Once upon a time I really could care less. This Presidential election is so fascinating to me. The history making candidates are so exciting. I hope the economy experiences an upturn after the election. I think it will. I think Sarah Palin is cool and I wish her daughter weren't pregnant. I know (on a suuuuper small scale) what it's like to be in a fish bowl and I'm thinking this situation suuuuucccckkkkssssssss for her. So I'm thinking of her. I'm impressed she is keeping the baby and manning up. I hope her mom is the VP. And I hope we get out of Iraq soon.

Do you think guys and girls can't be friends? I read a great article about the importance of same-sex friendships and I loved it until it was used against me. I think you can be friends with members of the opposite sex. I know intersex friendships can result in pain sometimes...and my heart really aches about that one. I know what it's like to feel rejected, hurt and disappointed. And I hate that anyone ever feels that way. Why can't we just be perfect, mmmmmm???

Whenever I finally have a yard of my own I'm gonna plant a garden.

Also, I've been chewing on the fact that my religion isn't about me. When I read the Bible I tend to read it like this:

(Hilary opens Bible)

Hilary thinks: Ok God, what do you want me to do?

When in fact I should be reading it like this:

(Hilary opens Bible)

Hilary thinks: Ok God, show me who you are!

See the difference?

I heard a great sermon on Sunday at Midtown Fellowship. I'm gonna point out some of my favorite points with my pointer finger to you (the pointee). I'm just kidding...i just got on a roll...anyway I was about to quote the message here but i want to get it exactly right which involves me going home and opening my journal. Ok...I'm going home before rush hour gets crunk...

Worry--The Opposite of Rest

Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. ~ God is for me. ~ Stand true to what you believe. Be courageous. Be strong. ~ Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you wil eat or what you will drink...Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?...Do not worry...But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow. ~ When someone arrests you, don't worry about what you will say or how you will say it. At that time you will be given the words to say. But you will not really be the one speaking. The Spirit from your Father will tell you what to say. ~ My Spirit remains among you. Do not fear. ~ He will...strengthen you to the end. ~ [May he] establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.
1 Chron 28:20; Ps. 56:9; 1 Cor. 16:13; Matt :25,27,31,33-34; Matt. 10:19-20; Hag. 2:5; 1 Cor. 1:8; 1 Thess 3:13

The very essence of anxious care is imagining that we are wiser than God. When we worry, we put ourselves in his place and try to do for him what he intends to do for us. --Charles Haddon Spurgeon

It is extraordinary what an enormous power there is in simple things to distract our attention from God. Refuse to be swamped with the cares of this life. --Oswald Chambers

Dreaming the dream of God is not for cowards. --Joey Johnson

Who Should You Vote For?

http://www.whoshouldyouvotefor.com/

Some of us don't feel like we wholeheartedly agree with either candidate. I feel like I've chosen one but if someone were to ask me my opinion on every single platform issue I'm not sure I could give a good answer. This quiz helped me realize my weak points when it comes to what I actually know and/or care about the candidates. If you haven't picked someone or can't give solid detailed answers for WHY you're supporting one...take this quiz!

Deb Knoske Photography

Here's a few snapshots I got taken a couple weeks ago. Whoot!

Tales from a gypsy...

Important info!!!!!!!!

I am now a ChaCha (www.chacha.com) Guide. ChaCha is this fanfreakintastic FREE service where you text ChaCha (242-242) and ask her any question you have on your mind. ie: Who has won the most olympic medals in one Olympics? or When is the President and Mrs. Bush's wedding anniversary? or How many stars exist? or How much is a forever stamp worth? or How late does Blockbuster in Topeka, Kansas stay open?

Things like that.

Well now when you use ChaCha me (or hundreds of other people) just might be the one to do the research and answer your question! Yay!


2. No, this is not some new full time job. I am not making a career switch. I have actually been avidly auditioning since my contract at Mill Mountain ended. Now sounds like a good time for me to count the auditions I've attended. I love doing things like this...11! I've been to 11 in 9 weeks. Sick.

3. I've also gotten some new headshots taken!! I"m so excited. I've seen a few of the photographer's faves but I am still waiting on the cd of all of them (in part b/c it's being mailed to Nashville and I won't be back there for another week). You can check out Deb Knoske's fab fashionable work at Debknoskephotography.com.

4. A new musical is premiering in Rochester and eventually moving to Broadway based on Pride & Prejudice. My favorite novel + my favorite medium of art=bliss for hil.

5. I've been on the road for the past 5 weeks auditioning in various towns and villages. The suitcase life isn't so bad but I do prefer to at least be able to hang my clothes up. Wrinkles are just not cute.

6. On my travels I got to stop through NYC and visit with some fabulous friends. One such is my friend Shannon who just finished a 5 year stint on Broadway playing Tracy in Hairspray. Me and my best (guy friend) Patric were both inspired to strive for bigger and better. I really am learning that there are people in this world with big picture mentality and small picture mentality. I want to be one of the ones who sees the big picture and lives accordingly!!

Susie, Shannon, Cindy, Mike, Patric and I in Battery Park in NYC

it felt so wrong it felt so right doesn't mean i'm in love tonight...

I haven’t written a blog that was just stream of consciousness/not heavy in quiiite some time. So here we go.

I love a good list—so this shall be numbered.

1. The day I arrived back at home after spending 5 months in Roanoke working at Mill Mountain Theatre my dad gave me Welcome Home flowers. I don’t feel like the men in my life (maybe other than my dad. Ha.) know quite how wonderful/special/lovely it is to be given flowers—espesh on any occasion that is not Valentines Day or Opening Night. Now don’t get me wrong…flowers are alllways great but even greater on the random days. I love flowers because they are aesthetically pleasing, because there are never 2 identical arrangements, because they make a room smell so sweet, and because they signify special occasions. I love flowers.
2. My room here in Nash is a small disaster. I can only live in physical chaos for so long. For me fung shui is like, the real deal. I need my physical environment to be settled and centered for me to feel the same way. Kind of eastern of me? Yeah, probably.
3. My sister is back for 1.5 months from the ole UK and I couldn’t be happier. She’s truly adjusted to living over there and is far from homesick. While she loves us, she really finds life in Scotland more interesting than it is here. I’m so glad marriage didn’t bring the end of her adventurous days. Honestly for her I think it brought the beginning.
4. People keep asking me what’s next, where I’m living, what I’m doing, etc. In case you were wondering I’ll give you the standard answer:
One run-on sentence version: Eh, I don’t know we’ll see.
Concise phrase (as if it was for a journalism hw assignment): I don’t have plans beyond the first weekend in September. Between now and then I will be auditioning in Pennsylvania, New York, and Florida. If no offers have been made by mid-August I will begin doing part time work in Nashville with the hopes of a performing opportunity appearing at any moment.
The longer version for people who want the details and/or don’t understand the actor life:
In the life of an actor you have times when you’re working and making money and times when you’re auditioning and spending money. Right now I’m in the auditioning/spending time. Hopefully by mid-fall I’ll be in working/making time again—but you just never know. I have ideas about what I want to do and where I want to be but they’re ever evolving. For the next few months I know I want to pursue live acting. In the past 5 months I’ve learned that I have more talent then I once thought and that the thing about performing I love the most is making people laugh. If I could do that every day, dang it, I would. So the plan is to keep auditioning for awhile and thoughts I have that might be deemed ‘long term’ include grad school and a move to new york. We shall see friends we shall see.
5. I’m not trying to jinx any thing at all so I’m going to make only slight mention of the fact that I will be auditioning quite soon for my favorite show/role of all time that I would give money away to play. That is all for now on that.
6. I am trying to find a serene balance between wise and spontaneous.
7. I keep noticing this longing in my heart to go to Africa. Kind of random, right?
8. I’m reading a book right now called “A Whole New Mind” by Daniel Pink. Subtitle: Why right-brainers will rule the future. I’ve only read the first chapter but so far it’s really fascinating. First, the person who recommended it to me was Oprah. Second, it deals with the intersection of psychology, science and success.
9. Yesterday I got some pink patent leather wedges. If that’s not girly I don’t know what is.
10. I think the new Katy Perry song is sooooo catchy and I love it. (Yeah, you know the one.)

Why Self-Awareness and Self-Analysis Are Good

Jesus said this and Matthew wrote it down.

" Do not judge, so that you won't be judged. For with the judgment you use, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye but don't notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and look, there's a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Don't give what is holy to dogs or toss your pearls before pigs, or they will trample them with their feet, turn, and tear you to pieces."

What I glean from this? In life, if I see an inconsistency in someone else or something off-putting or something that is disappointing or a decision that has reaped unfortunate consequences instead of pointing it out to the person who did it...I need to check myself and learn from it. I am only responsible for myself--the words I say, the choices I make. Life is too short to be remembered as the person who 'shamed' someone else.

Peter Pan Part 2

After 2 months of time, many a conversation, and what—14 comments? about Peter Pan I’ve decided to unpack some of my statements I made earlier. Some of them may have appeared sweeping, harsh, dense, and shallow. I’m aware of this. Trust me—you’ve made me aware of this.

When I say be “amazing” I don’t mean graduate and get a job that makes a lot of money.
One of the biggest misunderstandings of the Peter Pan blog was that money, success, and a white picket fence by 25 are THE things that I find attractive.

The point of the blog was to point out the seemingly common thread between a handful of guys in my life who primarily represent many, many characteristics I could want in a boyfriend/friend/inspirational speaker/husband. The one thing that they have in common is the extended adolescence that reflects in their choice to drag out college and avoid the scary thing that is adulthood and finding out if they'll be good at it or not. Now, of course, to each his own. If you want to graduate college at 31 that is your choice. But it’s also my prerogative to voice that I think it’s a better choice to finish undergrad education in a timely manner and move on to bigger and better. But it’s really truly not about a degree. It’s about some common fears that I see in guys in my generation.

The bottom line is that what attracts me to someone of the opposite sex is different at 23 than it was when I was 19.

If you seem to have a game plan, a dream for your life and you’re starting to make it happen I think it’s “amazing.”
When I was 19 I would’ve thought you were a wife-hunting crazy person who needed to relax.

If you care about politics and actually know how to defend your position on school vouchers I think that is “amazing.”
When I was 19 I thought apathy was cool and I would’ve thought your conversations about the deficit were boring.

If you have a personal and growing relationship with God where you are continually understanding deeper concepts about living out your faith I think that is “amazing.”
I would’ve thought that was amazing at 19. That one hasn’t changed. Hey!

If you've completed a post-high school degree program and are supporting yourself by using the skills and talents given to you by God and sharpened by an education I think that is "amazing."
When I was 19 I thought being 19 and living in the dorm was cool.

And if you have a life’s passion and are seeking to learn more about it, get better at it, or find some way to make a living by doing it I think that is “amazing.”
At 19 I only would’ve thought that was cool if it had to do with being emo, playing guitar, or being on Broadway. Now I think it’s cool no matter what you love. Finance? Sweet. Photography? Sick. Ebay? Do it to it.

I know in my own life I am far from perfect. FAR. I become increasingly aware of it on a daily basis. I’m grateful for grace and the fact that there is dignity in being human. One thing that helps keep my compass pointing north is the goal to be the kind of girl someone I find amazing would find amazing. So if you have any pointers throw them out. You owe it to me. I did it for you!

*And yes, if you think the word “amazing” is obscenely overused in this article I’ll agree with you.

In light of the events going on at home at Two Rivers one of the church members posted this video on his website. I found it so moving and I always meant to see this movie but haven't yet. Heroes ALWAYS have opposition. It really is cool to know that in this situation-my own dad is the hero. That's pretty cool.

Peter Pan

I’m in a stage of life I like to refer to as 23—free and sassy. Or fun and sassy. I haven’t committed just yet. Commitment isn’t a very popular word with many people in my social/age group. I’m generally very happy with my life. I love the opportunity to put my heart and soul and LIFE into something I’m passionate about: namely performing in live musical theatre. I’m happy to have the financial freedom to be able to travel to auditions when I need to and actually make a living by doing something that brings me sheer joy. I’m happy to have a degree and not have to worry about thesis statements and 500 word articles and midterms. I’m happy about being able to invest in whoever I want. I can talk to whoever I want on the phone for however long I want to. I can even pay someone mindless attention for one night. It’s all up to me. In a number of ways I am living the dream right now as I type this. Other dreams that I have in life I don’t exactly have control over—getting married, having a family. Those are things I want in my future. They could come soon or later. I don’t have a rigid preference because I know it’s not an area I can control. But they are certainly huge aspects of my definition of “living the dream.”
And one of my best friends, Leslie is living the dream in many ways too. Right now her office is in the White House. Ya know…the one on Pennsylvania Avenue? Every day she interacts with people who are going down in the history books. Her job is “Devil Wears Prada” meets “West Wing.” And it’s stressful but I’d venture to say it’s insanely fulfilling.
Both of us are smart. Both of us are pursuing dreams. Both of us are financially independent (ok, she is more than me but still). Both of us are confident. We know what we believe in. We vote. We donate. And we’d be more than happy to have guy friends (I’m not gonna say we even have time or energy for boyfriends) who are our age in that same place too. Successful. Happy. Looking toward the future. Informed. Spiritual.

Where are they?

That is the quandary I’ve been perplexed by as of late. I look around and I don’t know any guys who are the equivalent of my best friends. Where are the guys who are in their early—even mid—20’s and “have it all together”? Why has that become too much to ask? The Peter Pan syndrome is more prevalent than any of us knew. Why has “30 become the new 20” as one such Peter Pan said to me recently? Why is this ok? Why do we have this adolescentadulthood stage that is continuing on and on? Why can’t these guys finish school for goodness sake? What is so hard about deciding a concentration of study and taking a full load each semester and going to class and doing homework and getting the heck out of college? What is to fear about growing up, falling in love, asking a girl to marry?

Why are guys of this generation so freaking scared to grow up?

You want to date me? Or Leslie? Or some other girl that you think is “amazing”? Then become the guy who she thinks is amazing. It’s as simple as that. Get your act together.

Herein Lies the Happiest Movie Scene Ever

You can't help but let it brighten your day. :-)

The Grand Gesture

Today is Monday April 7th, 2008. 23 years and one day since I came on the scene. I had a fantastic weekend getting to perform and being surrounded by some of my best friends. Birthdays serve as a wonderful reminder that you are loved.
Now, I’m sitting in a Panera in Roanoke, Virginia. I came here to escape my apartment/dorm/orphanage living situation and to use the free wifi to get some work done on my new freelance job: inthemo.com. (←shameless plug)
I actually feel really blessed by the new job. I found it when I was casually perusing the NYC craigslist. They needed an editor with a bit of international travel experience. I replied and 2 days later the job was mine. It’s a perfect supplementary income. And it virtually came out of nowhere. I was told by a friend of mine who is a working actor in New York City that being able to afford life in New York shouldn’t be a fear of mine. He said “You’re smart, educated and sharp. Why should money and a job come difficult?” And so I found a job in New York—and I don’t even live there (yet).
And my main job. I love it. The past two months I’ve been in “The Stinky Cheese Man and other fair(ly) stooped tales.” It’s been remarkably fulfilling performing for audiences made up of children. I absolutely love it. This past week we began rehearsals for our next show “Tales From the Arabian Nights.” This show is also primarily for school age audiences. After that the Festival of New Works will take the stage. I was pretty stoked when I first got cast in the show. Then I got the script and saw that my character says a few choice words that I have a strong conviction I never have any business saying—as a character or in real life. I talked to a few Christian friends who are in the business and their advice was to stand up for what I believe and it’ll be honored. After all, it’s PC to respect someone’s religious beliefs. Right? Well, what I didn’t consider was that the show is going to be performed for the first time. As a result the director and playwright have no interest in changing lines. Not a one. And if that means changing casting, so be it. So today I dropped out of the show.
If you know me well you know that I HATE conflict. I flee from it. I hate rocking the boat. I hate offending people. I hate for people to be disappointed in me, frustrated with me, or to generally be unpopular. Some people can handle it—I can’t. I like being liked.
And today I made some people unhappy. People who couldn’t fathom why I can’t separate a script from real life. “Do you not understand the concept that it’s a character and not you? Do you not get what ACTING is?”
It was the grand gesture in my life thus far.
I’ve really never been in a position where I had to stand up for what I believed in. I mean certainly there have been times where I turned down smoking something or chose to avoid something I deemed wrong. But never have I been condescended because of it. Never was I made to feel like my choice was illogical. I knew I had a choice to make when I read the script. And I knew that compromising is a slippery, slippery slope. And I knew saying something disrespectful about our Creator is not something I could ever do while maintaining self-respect.
This whole year of being thrust into the ‘real world’ and being out of the ‘christian bubble’ has been one big learning experience. It’s been an ongoing process of truly deciding who I’m going to be. I can blend in with what is going on horizontally or I can decide to live with a vertical perspective. My eyes can be looking around or looking up. That is the choice. I was given the opportunity to make the grand gesture. And though unpopular with my directors and unpopular with some people I work with who don’t get my choice, I did what I had to do. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now. The theatre may keep me around and let me be in Into the Woods or they may not. But I know I can sleep soundly tonight and know that I didn’t compromise.
After all, I’m 23 years old. I decide now who I’m going to be the rest of my life.

Good and The Other Boleyn Girl

Saturday night I saw “The Other Boleyn Girl.” It is the story of a family: a father and mother and 2 daughters and 1 son. The father envisions great wealth and position for the family. The mother who descended from a family of power and chose to marry for love sees the virtue in having less in life. The sisters and brother have a closeknit kinship.
As the story progresses the family is literally torn apart by the choices they make in order to get ahead. Both sisters become impregnated with the king of england’s bastard children and towards the end of the film the brother George and sister Anne actually consider incest in order to cover up Anne’s miscarriage with the king’s child.
In the end both Anne and George are beheaded and the family is torn apart. The father dies in disgrace. Sister Mary moves on to her 2nd marriage and disconnects from her parents entirely. No one in the film is happy in the end. Everyone has been ravaged by sin, selfishness, lust, and greed.
The next morning I attended Easter services at church.
What a juxtaposition.
Saturday night I bore witness to evil in its sickest form. I saw lives ruined and disgraced because of sin. Leaving the theatre I felt overwhelmed. I felt like the world and its inhabitants were rather hopeless.
Sunday morning I was greeted with a message as opposite as any two messages.
Yes, we live in a world filled with hopelessness—that is, apart from the hope we have in Christ Jesus.
Only lives connected to His truth can make any sense, have any purpose, have any good in them.
What hope that though left to our own out of control whims and desires we literally destroy ourselves, but with the hope in Christ we can have not only abundant life daily on this earth but we can have assurance of everlasting hope and eternal life past the shores of Heaven.
I was reminded that the message of the Bible and the Cross is not “Get your lives fixed and then come to Christ. Get rid of your sin then you will be accepted into His kingdom.”
Far from it.
The message of Christ is that in no way are we capable on a human level in our own power to be good. We are selfish simple creatures. The joy and hope of Christ is that HE IS GOOD. So we are at a loss to try and scramble up a nice portrait of ourselves for Christ. The point of the cross is not to show Christ how we can be such “good Christians.” The message of the cross is to surrender daily to the love none of us truly deserve or have inherited because of our goodness. Praise God that there is hope. Praise God that He has the character that bestows such love and compassion on such dirty little selfish creatures as ourselves. Now I believe THAT is a hope to live for.

Are we destined for specific tasks?

“Then the word to the Lord came to me saying ‘Behold before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I sanctified you. I ordained you a prophet to the nations.’ Then said I: ‘Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.’ But the Lord said to me: ‘Do not say, 'I am a youth,' For you shall go to all to whom I send you, And whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,’ says the Lord. Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me: ‘Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms. To root out and to pull down. To destroy and to throw down. To build and to plant.’ Moreover the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ‘Jeremiah, what do you see?’ And I said, ‘I see a
branch of an almond tree.’ Then the Lord said to me, ‘You have seen well, for I am ready to perform My word.’”
Jeremiah 1:4-12

Clearly the Bible is saying God decided to use Jeremiah in a specific way before Jeremiah was even an adult. Does God still do this? Is it only for prophets or people doing ministry? Or are we all destined for specific tasks? Are they all spiritual people-need-to-get-saved tasks? And does this only happen when people can audibly hear God saying things? It seems like Jeremiah audibly heard from God in this passage. Of course this has been translated a few times. And is the purpose of this passage to simply be inspired by God using someone young? Or is the reader supposed to take something from it and apply it to his or her own life? Is it right to read this and infer that God is "telling me to do _________"?

Reading the Bible...and actually thinking.

If then there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by thinking the same way, having the same love, sharing the same feelings, focusing on one goal. Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. -Phillipians 2.1-4

2 thoughts:

1) What a sobering challenge in a "me first" world. If the beginning of humility is feeling completely inadequate and unqualified then maybe I'm getting somewhere...

2) Also, in politics, do a large portion of evangelicals feel no obligation to be compassionate as instructed in verse 4? Or are things like universal healthcare just enabling? Or is that just a convenient excuse?

Suicide and Beauty

My dear friend John is one of the most honest, inquisitive, feeling people I know. He wrote this:


Last semester in English class, I had argued that there was an element of beauty to be found in suicide. My friend Ashley and I had often joked that she had the "perfect suicide tub" in the "perfect suicide bathroom". Stark, cold, white, tile floors and walls. A vintage, white bathtub with clawed feet and a wrap-around curtain. All the scene needed was a trail of crimson red blood and a love story gone awry. Recently though, my romanticized views on suicide were confronted with the actual reality of suicide.

Last week, my 21 year old cousin, Joe, put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. His Dad, Joe Sr., found him in his bedroom when he returned home from work. He was so beside himself he couldn't speak for days. Last weekend, our family congregated in Philly for the funeral.

At the viewing hours, I "met" suicide. It was written on Joe Sr.'s face. He looked like a ghost. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his body shook a bit while he hugged the people who were quietly filing by. (What's to be said??) Suicide's overwhelmingly sad "presence" was palpable. One particularly moving moment was when my Uncle Tom, who has Down Syndrome, hugged his sister (my Aunt) and cried loudly. Even Tom, who is unable to think critically, could feel suicide for exactly what it was and is: ugly, unnatural and evil.

It was there, sitting in the chairs facing the casket during viewing hours, that my thoughts churned while tears fell: How can something be ugly unless there is a standard of Beauty? How can something be the unnatural and false unless there is a natural order and Truth? How can something be evil unless there is Good? So with no "evidence" other than my experience and feelings to consult, this modernist was startled to uncover the seeming necessity of absolutes or "objectiveness" in regards to Beauty, Truth and Goodness. I had considered these topics before, but never as absolutes. It was certainly an unexpected realization at an unlikely moment. I hurt for Joe Jr. I hurt for Joe Sr. I hurt for all the world in that moment. It all seemed so fucked up, backwards and fallen. I could see why Joe called bullshit on us humanoids blathering on about our sports and celebrities as if anything mattered when we're just distracting ourselves from the very obvious fact that EVERYTHING IS NOT ALRIGHT. From his perspective of no God, Joe's reasoning towards suicide is flawless and his resolve is admirable. We ought not cry, but applaud his success in stepping off the this carousel of absurdity. --But-- It is not the case that there is no God. I'd dare say it is clearly not the case. Turning to God brings life and order. Killing oneself brings the opposite.

Last year I argued passionately that beauty and goodness were subjective. I argued a lot of things that I've since recognized to be false. The fog continues to lift. At every turn, my wrong opinions are being righted and all is beginning to make sense in the world. God exists. Truth exists. Joy exists. Hope exists. Peace exists. Beauty most definitely exists. As the song that I linked at the top of this post questions, these things CAN be found. (Do you think you can find it? Do you think you can see it? Go ahead and scream it!) That song became an accidental theme song for the weekend. I listened to it over and over. My brother, Jeff, showed it to me and the words were hauntingly applicable. A lonely soul . . . questions of the heart . . . questions of fate . . . and the ultimate question: what do we need? We need God.

On Sunday, the day after the funeral, we were driving home when my Dad received a phone call from my Mom saying that Joe Sr. had just accepted Christ as his savior. Whaaat?! There was much rejoicing in the car. The contrast was profound: Joe Jr chose suicide and in doing so chose a wrong way, a lie and a death. Joe Sr chose Christ and in doing so chose the Way, the Truth and best of all: Life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWiJWLiSKro

The View

"If you do what's right God will show you what to do next." --Dad

It is 8:06 on Saturday night and I’m sitting on a plane flying somewhere over the east coast between Orlando, Florida and Baltimore, Maryland. I don’t really want to go to Baltimore but it was the only way I could get to Washington DC tonight. I’m meeting 4 of my best friends there to have a girls weekend. Leslie, who is one of the 6 most important people in my life, is there and I haven’t seen her since we graduated May of last year. I can’t adequately articulate how excited I am to see her. I missed the original flight I was going to take into DC tonight so I caught a flight (that left a full hour and a half late) that will take me to Baltimore where I’ll hop on a 10:45 train to DC. And I’m tired.

* * *

This past week my friend Patric and I have both been in Orlando. I planned this little excursion before I had even moved away in December. In November at the monthly open call for equity roles at Disney, one of the casting directors told me I would be a good fit for the High School Musical show. The show consists of highlights of the music from the 2nd movie. It’s upbeat, fun, pays well, and is an awesome opportunity to perform. Yes, I said “awesome.” Before I began taking voice lessons from Alexis Kramer I wouldn’t have dreamed of being cast in this show. The style sung is thoroughly pop with riffs and belting. But with a teacher who helped me to unlock things with my voice I never knew were possible came an assortment of new performing possibilities. Discovering untapped potential is one of the coolest things in the world. For reals. ☺

Yesterday, specific auditions were held at Disney to fill roles in the show. Presently they’re looking for immediate replacements. The show consists of 1 girl and 2 guy singers who host/star in the show. About 15 character performers fill the rest of the show—what you might call “Ensemble” and serve as dancers. What they do is similar to what I did in the summer of 2006 in “Fixin 2 Rain.” Lots of movement and lots of lip synching. Fun—but not my passion. If you keep up with me in real life, you know that in just a couple weeks I’m going to fulfill a contract I signed almost a year ago with Mill Mountain Theatre in Roanoke, VA. (Google it.) So, even if they were to offer me a contract right now (which could be) I couldn’t take it. In my contract with Mill Mountain I agreed to give them one month’s notice to fill my spot on the Mill Mountain Players. And even if it wasn’t in the contract, it’s just common courtesy. Why would I want to put them up a creek like that? It’s not a nice thing to do. I do know however, that casting directors at Disney have brains and memory. So why not knock their socks off and reappear at auditions next summer or fall with 4 more professional credits under my belt and 5 months of performing experience? I have a friend who auditioned last year in January and left Orlando for an out of town contract and received a call in May to begin rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast in June. I think I left them with a good memory of me. Mission. Accomplished.

To make the trip back to Orlando to audition more practical I decided to go back to job-o-loathe I did twice a week over the summer at then-MGM now “Disney’s Hollywood Studios” (though nobody calls it that) selling Disney merchandise.

The first day I was back I had to trapse about the park with a tray of toys (how’s that for alliteration?) strapped to my shoulders. Picture the guy at the baseball game selling beer or hotdogs. Now make him have curly red hair, tip the scales at a buck fifteen, and unhappily lugging around toys that could cause an early onset of arthritis…or a slipped disc…something unfortunate.
At the very same time that I was forced to mill around MGM with the tourists and hope they would trade me money for the toys, the precise show that I came to audition for was being performed only yards away. I barely escaped seeing people I knew who were dancing in it. Nobody needs to see me in my demoralized “Yes, the Mickey spinner is $15. No I can’t swipe your credit card” state. It’s just not necessary.
I probably sound like I was hating my life selling toys when I saw people living my hopes and dreams only feet away. And yes, I certainly felt pangs of “Don’t I have a degree? And self-respect? And talent? WHY am I doing this?” But even in the nonsense and the embarrassment I was thoroughly inspired.

Wouldn’t it be cool to start off as the little red head toy pusher and end up the star of the show?

There’s something to be said for the humility that comes with doing things you don’t like. I’ve noticed in my own life that I have difficulty doing things I don’t like or things I don’t prefer. I don’t like to get out of bed when it’s cold. I don’t like to change my plans. I don’t like this kid whining and screaming 2 rows behind me…right now.

But can we really appreciate the joys and successes without previously experiencing the pain and embarrassing failures?

How much more deeply satisfying will godly unselfish love be in my life after experiencing the backlash of disappointment?

How much more satisfying is it that I will be in a nationally esteemed theatre’s performance of “Into the Woods” after the still palpable sting of not being cast in the LU production?

How much more will I value having the economic means to buy my own house and car and insurance after a year of adulthood where I was lucky to make rent?

We must go to the depths to wholly experience the heights. And recognizing that truth while in the depths is merely the beginning of the ascension. So bring on the embarrassing pitfalls. I know spring comes after winter. And I think I’m about ready for it. It’s cold in Tennessee!

Things Learned in 2007

1. People can be blessed by you simply being an amazing roommate. Spring of 2007 I had the best roommate possible. Now don't get me wrong, I've had lots and lots and lots of roommates--many of which I would count as great friends but Dara Lyons rose above all in her ability to be an amazing roommate. Not only was she respectful of my things, my space, and every space we shared she was also extremely giving and unselfish. Any time she would cook she would be ready to share. She wrote me notes and left me small thoughtful gifts that she thought would brighten my day. She never kept a record of whose turn it was to clean the kitchen or take out the trash. If it needed doing and she was able to do it, she would. Her way of roommate-ing blessed me in a million ways. In Dara's life, actions really do speak louder than words. Her life truly speaks.
2. So many college or amateur performers are afraid of the "rejection" they fear they will experience in professional theatre. For the talented, this fear is completely unfounded. With a bigger pond comes more opportunity! In college each semester there are limited opportunities to perform--maybe 2 or 3 at the most. But in the real world, auditions and cast lists don't have near as much weight or importance because there is always another opportunity. There is always another audition. Actors have to be confident yet humble enough to handle rejection.
3. Lizards are EVERYWHERE in Florida. Who knew?
4. Leaving college isn't so bad. Facebook helps.
5. Asians leave fitting rooms a hot mess. I'm not trying to racial profile--but seriously. I worked at a high end retail store in Orlando, FL where I encountered international tourists on virtually a daily basis. Maybe in the far east they have different etiquette regarding dressing rooms. Here in the US it's NOT ok to try 25 items on and leave the $2000 worth of clothing in a pile on the floor. NOT ok.
6. British people are the nicest, most polite on earth. I've never encountered a rude brit. We could all take a cue from their people skills. Cheers!
7. Thick skin is an incredible asset gained from having to deal with ridiculous superiors.
8. I care about politics--when I feel like it makes a difference. Hooray for election years. And go Ron Paul. Donate!
9. I can get by on not much of an income, but $10 an hour is waayyyyy less than I thought it was.
10. If you think a guy might be gay, he really might be.
11. Having your script memorized before rehearsals begin is not only impressive, it's a necessity in displaying professionalism.
12. I would really like a job with 5 digits and benefits.
13. What you hear about people--when their reputations preceed them--may not be entirely true, but it's probably mostly true.
14. Nobody can or should tell you what you CAN'T do until your potential is TRULY tapped into.
15. Sometimes people will surprise you--but sometimes they won't.
16. The end is always the beginning of something else. And it may not be precisely what you were hoping for, but it's still most likely great--it's probably all in your perspective.
17. I don't buy in wholeheartedly to "The Secret" but I DO think people can sense if you're a "yes" person or a "no" person. "Yes" people are positive, optimistic, doers. They make things happen. "No" people always find a reason/excuse that something can't be done. They're watchers. Yes people experience more positive things in life. Everyone in life is either in the audience or on the stage. And everyone DESERVES to be on the stage of their own life! Hello! I've had so many people this year tell me how much they admire that I'm "making it happen" for myself. If I can, you can too!

So I'm auditioning for this show in January...the directors have asked for us to prepare a pop song...and the age of the character I'd be playing is about 17. Now, I don't own a vast array of pop teenager-y music but I had a little bit in the archives. I found a song that I feel encapsulates where I was at 17 and where I think most slightly naive, big dreaming, optimistic, bored, ready to go 17-year-olds are. It's kind of weird to not be that kid anymore...the one who has never gone through anything. I can jump right into a character who would say these words and feel these emotions because I was her at one point but I'm no longer her. Once you're on the other side of heartbreak, life experience, or tragedy even...you're not glad youre there. The pain is real. The confusion is real. And the reality that is as honest as a mirror shows you that you're way more imperfect, flawed, and vulnerable than you had thought or even hoped. But when you've never experienced anything that involves passion or adventure, you so desperately want to--and you're ready to count the cost. I'm not exactly back in that place again just yet. Maybe some day I will be. But here are the lyrics nonetheless:

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
and leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Sometimes the pain feels overwhelming.
Sometimes I feel like I just have to cry.
Sometimes the crying surprises me.
Sometimes I feel invincible.
Sometimes I feel optimistic.
Sometimes I feel like starting all over sounds daunting.
Sometimes I trust.
Sometimes I don’t.
Sometimes I think “what could I have done differently?”
Sometimes I think “how could I have spared myself from this pain?”
Sometimes I am thankful.
Sometimes I have no regrets.
Sometimes I feel seasoned—like I’ve really seen a thing or two.
Sometimes I feel so innocent.
Sometimes I wish it had never happened.
Sometimes I think a broken heart is better than a cold heart.
Sometimes I know everything’s going to be totally fine—better than fine.
Sometimes I think it can only get better from here.
Sometimes I just want to feel how I feel.

I always said I really wanted to experience life. And I guess that’s exactly what life is. Feeling conflicted. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling ok. The pain is simply an aspect of the beauty. Maybe that’s really real life. Not having conclusions. Things not being so neat. That’s about as conclusive as I can get right now…

"Oh to be young again!"

It's been called to my attention that I haven't blogged in awhile. And thought i normally don't "blog on command" (or do much on command for that matter) I thought there would be someone somewhere who'd want to humor me and hear about the latest in the somewhat nomadic existence of a sort of actor/adult in the post-college strange stage of life that i'm in. Let's see...what's new...
Well, it seems I haven't written in the past 1-2 months because I've been tied up with something simply wonderful: MY FIRST PROFESSIONAL ACTING JOB! I must've gotten the offer right around the time that I wrote last but it either slipped my mind or wasn't applicable to the blog. I'm not sure. Either way, since around the 1st of September my miserable time working for the Mouse was replaced by the joys of singing, acting, and musical comedy-ing my way all over a stage. I can't tell you the joy that I experienced realizing I was (about halfway) paying my expenses by simply doing what I loved. And not only has it been fun for me to perform, it's been rewarding talking to the audience members after each performance. In our contracts the cast members agree to do "meet 'n greets" with the audience after each show. So many times during this run I had slow moving elderly people come up to me with smiles spread wide across their faces and say, "You absolutely made my day." "The show was a delight." "It was so wonderful to hear those songs again." "South Pacific is our favorite show and has been for 50 years!" "We met while we were serving during WWII. It was so special to see this show tonight." The sweet comments and warm gratitude filled my chest and watered my eyes many afternoons and nights over the past month. It really is why we do what we do. Not until moments like those am I reminded that all those silver-haired, achey looking people are just that--people. One afternoon a lady came up to me and said "You were so CUTE dancing across that stage! Oh to be young again!" Only her body has aged. In her mind she is just a spry and full of life as I am. I am reminded though that life is a one-time deal. I have to be consistently self-aware and live and love in the knowledge that I only get one. I'm only 22 once. I will be for about 6 more months. We have to ask ourselves questions like: When I'm older will I be satisfied with how I spent my early 20's? Is there anything i wish I could've done? Anywhere I wish I had gone? Anything I wish I hadn't done? Living fully in the present is both a challenge and a gift. I pray all our souls are satisfied with how we've spent our time.

Reflections on the after (college) life

Again, it’s been a long while since I’ve written so I’ve decided it’s time to flesh out my thoughts a bit and tell you what’s been going on in my life. First of all, not since I packed up and left Nashville to move 500 miles away to Virginia in 2003 have I experienced as much change as I have over the past 2 months. I’ve moved to a new city: Orlando, experienced life outside of a Christian school for the first time in my life, attended 12 auditions and callbacks for professional acting jobs, house sat a lake house, lived with my friend Rachel’s family for a month and a half, and moved into a huge house with 3 relative strangers that work with Josh at Disney. I’ve also not gone back to school in August for the first time ever and had to budget and pay for my own bills.
That’s a lot of changes.

And now, a few observations:

1. When it comes to money, having 1 solid full time job is a better situation than having multiple part time jobs. You always know exactly how much you’ll make which really lends itself to staying on top of things financially.

2. It’s kind of cute how much I thought moving into the real world and being around 90% non-Christians would be an easy adjustment. It’s not. For a committed Christian, (or maybe just me?) it’s infinitely easier to live out your faith when you’re surrounded by people who get it. Every day I pray and make attempts at being salt and light, but I don’t even know how much of an affect I’m having—if one at all. It’s strange too because I’m not growing close, personal relationships with people at work…so far there hasn’t been a vast array of opportunity for “heart to hearts.”

3. I think I’ve finally got my “worst job I ever had” story. On Monday and Thursday nights I work at MGM Studios selling merchandise for a show there called Fantasmic. If I’m lucky I get to stand at a stationary cart and sell the toys but if I’m not so lucky I have to strap on a tray full of light-up crap and walk up and down the aisles of the theatre. Ever so slightly demoralizing. On the up side there have been a few aspects of this job that have been beneficial. First, it supplies me with a free pass into Disney. And since my boyfriend is in every show/parade (practically) on the property, it’s great to be able to wander in and watch. Second, I work with a lot of international students and that’s really cool. Just last night I worked with a girl from Brazil, a guy from Cannes, France, a girl from Ireland and two girls from Shanghai. And third, and most importantly, every time I go to this job I despise, I’m re-inspired to work hard at what I love. Every hot and uncomfortable night of work makes me more and more sure that I will rock it out in my next audition, or have my music memorized before the first rehearsal, or apply to grad school early.

4. This is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this summer: the more you audition the better you get at auditioning. And the better you get at auditioning the more likely you are to get a job. I know it sounds kind of obvious but truly with every audition I gained a better perspective of what casting directors were looking for and how to present the “total package” so to speak. Aspects that are very important? Picking the correct song for you and the show you’re auditioning for, being self-assured and friendly when you walk into the room, feeling positive and optimistic about your performance, dressing for success, and just being well-prepared. In addition, I’ve learned how much potential I have—if I explore it. The small tragedy about my college experience is that by the end of it I thought I had reached my talent’s potential. I thought that the talent I possessed was all I was capable of. I’ve learned in the post-college theatre world that performers are always learning new things, sharpening their skills, taking dance classes, getting more flexible, reading up on acting techniques, and studying voice. If I really focus and hone my skills who knows where I could be in 10 years.

5. Being a person who has always gone to school when August rolls around, it's hitting me hardcore to not be in classes right now. A little part of me does feel like I'm missing out, even though in large part I'm very, very, very glad I'm where I am. I think I left Liberty right when I should have. I think some people outgrow Liberty and stay there long after they should peace out. And for those of us who left right when we should have its kind of shocking thing to not be in Lynchburg come year 5. I know the longer I'm away the more I'll be used to it and feel like my life is really exactly where i am...

I’ve got to go to Anthropologie now so reflections are getting cut off here, but that’s probably the 5 main ones anyway. In other news, one great thing about not returning to college this week is that I get to go to Miami for the weekend with 2 of my best friends. Real life does have its perks—and for that matter, my life has its perks.

A Friendly Post-College Update

Hello hello and hellooooo

It's me Hil. You may think I've been living under a rock but alas, no, I've been living in a lake house.
Life has changed in a multiplicity of ways over the last month. I've moved from Lynchburg, VA to Orlando, FL--at least for the time being. The near future remains quite dubious as I don't know what state I'll be in residence at come July 1. At first I really enjoyed this whole "flying by the seat of my pants" thing but now I'm ready to get in a groove. As adventurous and random as I like to think of myself as, I am totally a girl of routine. Little known fact: I love lists. And this isn't a thing that came about once I was 21 and a junior in college. Nosiree. My mom (and this is embarassing) found a notebook full of lists dated 1996. That would've made me 11. 75% of me I think of as free-spirited and planner free. But who am i kidding? As much as I like the abnormal, I like to plan. I like to know what's up. I like to think of the big picture and know everything's gonna be just fine--or, even better than I expected.
So this whole Florida thing. You're probably wondering what I'm doing here. Why I'm here. What tricks I have up my sleeve. Well, here's the situation in a summarized fashion.
I came down to Florida shortly after graduation to audition for a job performing at Disney World. Most people don't know that height is very important at disney. (ie: you can't have a Minnie Mouse that's 5'8" and another that's 4'11") and as fate would have it according to Disney Entertainment I am 5 feet 3 and 1/2 inches. Which is great if you want to be normal. And completely generic. And the exact same height as a million other girls who are auditioning to work at Disney. They only need so many chip 'n dales and ariels. Which means that I am in the "character pool." Aka the waiting list. When (if) a job opens up within the next 6 months for someone who looks like me and dances like me they'll call me up. If not, I can audition again come November.
What you may not know is that there are 2 divisions of disney entertainment. One side is the character performing that you see in all the parades, autograph signing, and lip-synced shows. The other consists of Equity performers. These are performers who are considered professional singers and dancers. If you see a performer at Disney that is singing they are equity. Someone dancing in a show (and it looks rather complicated) would be equity as well. These people get paid better and can go on to attend equity auditions for broadway shows and national tours. For you non-theatrical people basically "Equity" is short for Actors Equity Association. It's a union that is a little bit difficult to get in to. You have to be a legitimate professional performer--having performed in about 50 weeks worth of work. The perks are that you get more respect, better auditions, better backstage treatment, and higher pay.
Ok anyway.
So, there are more auditions for Equity coming at Disney in the future. In July and August they'll be looking to cast lots more people for their Christmas shows. There's a chance (not a huge one) that I could get cast from that pool and that would be stellar. Then I'd really be doing what I loved loved loved.
But while Disney isn't coming through with the whole making my dreams come true thing, I'm auditioning other places as well. Sunday I'm going to audition at a professional theater in Nashville that is doing the show "Urinetown." The same theater is doing "Into the Woods" in October. Both of these shows I'd love to audition for. Also, in July there is an audition in Orlando for a repertory theater company here. And then later this fall there are theaters in Nashville and Orlando that are doing shows that I'd like to audition for.
In addition to all that, I've applied for an internship at a magazine for the fall and I'm considering applying for an internship with Harpo productions. At this point I'm just trying to knock on as many doors as possible until the right ones open! :)
Oh and if you didn't know, what makes this whole situation unusual is that I've signed an acting contract for Mill Mountain Theatre (www.millmountain.org) in Roanoke beginning February 2008-June 2008. So it's an interesting balancing act trying to figure out if I want to hop into a professional job in communications right now or if I just want to audition for shows while working retail or if I want to get an internship at a magazine. There's lots of choices, lots of opportunities, and lots of options. Right now I'm just trying to take some deep breaths and make the most of the opportunities given to me today! So I'm living at this lake house the rest of June. I'm going home to Nashville Saturday-Tuesday to audition at the Boiler Room Theatre. If all goes well there (and when I say well I mean ridiculously amazing) I'll be moving home later next week. If not I'll be locating a roommate and getting situated in Orlando for atleast another month.
I'm just tring to remember right now that there will come a time where I won't be able to be this random and carefree. I'm just trying to soak up the freedom and thrills of growing up right now. Life couldn't be better.

Today is Wednesday May 16th. It’s probably one of the most mixed feelings-filled days of my life. Today I finished my last final exam and my last paper for college. I’m really, truly done with college. Four years of work, 160 hours worth of college credits earned, and it’s all complete. I am officially equipped to go into the field of journalism. I have a bachelor’s of science. I am 22 and I’ve finished 17 years of consecutive school. But this week that should be so momentous, so exciting, so liberating, is also very, very sad. Dr. Falwell, our beloved chancellor, pastor, and leader died yesterday.
When I was a sophomore, Dr. Falwell fell ill and went into the hospital for a while. The campus was in shock and felt caught off guard. No one ever considered that our leader could be controlled by mortality. Sometimes at this great institution, we forget that the leaders, the amazing men and women who have made so many dreams into reality, are just as capable of being gone as anyone else.
Yesterday I had just finished my 11:00 final. It was my last journalism final which was an accomplishment in and of itself. It meant that I was really done with my major. My friends Leslie and Amanda and I went over to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch. We stayed near school because Amanda needed to head back to work in the Theater office after lunch and I needed to go watch a dvd of a live performance of “Kiss Me, Kate” to analyze for a performance critique for my Advanced Musical Theater class. We had just ordered our lunch when I got a call from Josh. The phone was on vibrate in my purse but for some reason I happen to open my purse in that moment. I don’t even know why. I answered it and Josh said, “What’s going on with Jer??” And I said, “What are you talking about?” Then he told me that Dr. Falwell had been found unconscious that morning in his office and that he had been rushed to the hospital. Josh, a former Liberty student, had seen it on CNN at his house in Florida. We then began to watch the story unfold on the big television screen on Fox News at BW3’s. “Jerry Falwell in gravely serious condition.” We saw some men in Liberty polo shirts who were on the phone so Amanda decided to ask them if they knew anything. “We’ve been told that Dr. Falwell passed away, but it hasn’t been confirmed.”
I was in shock.
We headed back to campus and as I walked into the Fine Arts building I got a text message from Josh: Dr. Falwell died. It just broke all over the news.
I had just seen Dr. Falwell 2 weeks before when he sat on the front row and watched a performance of “Thoroughly Modern Millie.” He had just told my friend Brad, who played the leading man, that Brad “ought to do that the rest of his life—that he had a gift.”
How could this man so full of life, so excited about the future, so involved, suddenly be gone?
We found out later that Dr. Falwell had just had breakfast with Dr. Godwin, our Executive Vice-President, at Bob Evans mere hours before he died.
I’ve been connected to a multitude of unexpected tragedies this semester. My professor from Focus on the Family Institute, Dr. Sheryl DeWitt died from cancer in April. My friend Jordan, who I’ve been in 2 shows with at Liberty lost her boyfriend Josiah in a motorcycle accident less than a month ago. The Virginia Tech shooting happened only an hour and a half away from here. My friend Lauren MaCauley’s mother Laurie has been battling cancer of the pancreas all semester. The cancer has so overtaken her body that Lauren moved up her fall wedding to the Friday before last, because she wanted to make sure her mother was a part of her wedding day.
My mom said to me today “I wonder what God wants to teach you through all this.” And I said, “Do you really think this is all about me?” She quickly said “Not all about you. But certainly God wants to teach you something through this, in addition to other people.”
I began to think about the brevity of life. And the enormous thought that for Believers being separate from your body on earth only means that you are with God. And how weighty and huge that is. I’m reminded that we can never get too comfortable here. Or relish too long in our temporal triumphs. But be ever ready for the surprise twist. Life never claimed to be predictable. We need to make choices that reflect our knowledge that life is short. For me, it is easy to be caught up in the excitement of graduating, of getting a professional acting job, of the possibilities of traveling, and romantic future, and growing up, and all the beautiful aspects of life. But the most beautiful, the aspect that we must daily focus on first is that life is all about God. We are meant to bring glory to Him. How we all do that, of course, is different and will be different. But we must live in the knowledge of the brevity of life and the purpose of life—and live accordingly.
So this weekend I’m going to graduate. I’m going to experience it to the fullest. Soaking in all the memories I possibly can. But I’m also going to know and reflect on the fact that in light of eternity that milestone is a small one. We are so blessed to be a part of God’s story—the symphony of the entire universe He holds in the palm of His hand. May we all live each day, in every moment, in every single breath to the fullest. Not only would that undoubtedly make Dr. Falwell proud, I think it makes our Creator proud too.

As much as I'm ready to be rid of Lynchburg and Biology and lots of homework...

I'm starting to think I will miss studying. I was just looking at my "Study Sounds" playlist on my itunes. And I suppose I won't need it for awhile. That's a little sad to me...

*a real update on life coming soon.

Hope Beyond Here

Tonight I went to the Chamber Singers spring concert. It was nothing short of heavenly. I worshipped more in that hour-long concert than I have in a church gathering in quite some time. In between each song someone in the choir read a verse (or verses) of scripture out loud that pertained to the lyrics in the song. The voices and sounds that resonated through Pate Chapel were more beautiful to my ears than anything I've heard in a very long time. It made me think, just as I was astounded and moved today by the sound of beautiful voices singing and the sound of scripture being read aloud, how much more will I be astounded by the sights and sounds of Heaven. For Believers...let us never grow comfortable here...it's not our home. With so great a loss of life in the past week...how can we not be sober and vigilant and reminded of the brevity of life.

Psalm 130
Out of the depths I call to You, Lord!
Lord, listen to my voice;
let Your ears be attentive to my cry for help.
Lord, if You considered sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with You there is forgiveness,
so that You may be revered.

I wait for the Lord; I wait,
and put my hope in His word,
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning--
more than watchmen for the morning.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord.
For there is is faithful love with the Lord,
and with Him is redemption in abundance.
And He will redeem Israel from all its sins.

Way too busy to sit here and reflect these days. So I've borrowed some reflections I completed while getting paid. I posted this on libertyu.com on Friday. Enjoy. :-)

Does Spring Break really start next week? Granted, the first half of this semester is a week shorter than normal (Spring Break doesn’t fall precisely midway this semester because Graduation is a week later than normal). But really, am I practically halfway through my final semester of college? Where has the time gone?? A lot of the time has gone to studying—which, I understand, is the primary purpose I am here…but I sure hope I don’t look back on my last semester of college and remember little besides trying to decipher Biology jargon or trackdown police officers for quotes for a story for Investigative Reporting. For me the single most lovely and rewarding thing about college has been the friendships made. Hands down. So why is it that my final semester the overachiever is beating the social butterfly in the arm wrestling match in my head? Is this me growing up? Finally becoming legitimately responsible? Or is it just facing the facts—if I don’t buckle down and do this work I will risk not graduating on time and waste tons of my parents money… Maybe a little of both. It’s been hitting me lately that in a couple months my life will radically change. I’m not trying to be overdramatic, I’m just trying to prepare myself. Since I arrived at college in 2003, I have grown acutely accustomed to being surrounded by hoards of peers—people in my stage of life, around my age. Soon, more than likely, I will be transported to a different environment. One where I will have much fewer social options. In other words—the majority of my hundreds of facebook friends will be hundreds of miles away. And Friday night will still come—and I won’t be tied up with 24 credit hours of class—and they won’t be there to hang out. It’s just gonna be weird, that’s all I’m saying. I know in the case of friends that have already graduated and moved on (God bless them and their courage to leave the bubble) one of the biggest adjustments to grown-up life is simply not having many friends their age to hang out with. Now granted, there is something wonderful about jumping back into the real world where there are senior adults, little waddling children, and teenagers (well, maybe I could do without the teenagers.) But I know for a lot of people, that adjustment can breed loneliness. So, is there some way to prepare for that? I dunno. Ok, enough reflection. This week has been busy in preparation for my 12-day getaway. I’m missing 4 days of class so I have had a lot of work-ahead stuff to do. I think I’m pretty on top of things. I just don’t exactly have a moment unplanned n the next 5 days. But I’m ok with that. A lot of times I work better under pressure. The trip to Charlotte last week was a lot of fun. Mel’s family was super hospitable letting me stay with them for a couple days. The audition went well though I don’t feel like it was my 100% best. My mom tells me that I’m consistently critical of my auditions, but I think it’s because only I really know how I did in comparison to my potential. I should hear (or not hear) something back by the end of March. I really have no idea what’s gonna happen. And, I’m ok with that. In other news, my brother-in-law got an acceptance letter in the mail these week from the PhD program at the University of Edinburgh! It’s pretty much his dream school. He likened it to me getting offered a role on Broadway. He and Ashli are very stoked. They’re gonna spend a week in Scotland during Spring Break exploring the city and talking with professors. A cool life indeed. Well, I gotta run…a busy day awaits. Have a great weekend!

On Life and Living

I think as my time in college steadiy comes to an end, I am daily becoming more thoughtful about it all. The turning of chapters. The growing up. The honest fact that life changes never reverse.

I ran across this fantastic blog by way of another friend's blog this morning:

http://dontoearth.blogspot.com/2007/01/it-bothers-me-that-i-have-to-go.html

This man is 93-years-old and writes regularly. He writes candidly and humanly. Reading about how he feels about coming to the end of his life really reminds me that we are all the same. We may be from different places, been born in different decades, but there is something very unifying about being a part of humanity. When authenticity comes out, so does relatability. Reading his thoughts on life makes me wonder what I will/would reflect on about my life when I am 93. I think the more interesting things I go and do and the more I invest in my family, the happier I will be. I don't want to regret not traveling. I don't want to regret not having that fourth child that I desperately though quietly longed for. I don't want to regret spending more time typing on my computer than investing in the people around me. I don't want to regret not communicating what I am passionate about, and voicing what is right. I pray that we all live fervently. I pray that we live the life we are meant to lead. I pray we live in love and peace and remain ever mindful of the brevity of it all.

Step #1 in the process of getting a real theater job is underway. Yesterday one of my dearest friends John, (who is obviously going on to a successful career in photography) took some headshots for me to use. When it comes to professional theater you always show up with at least two things: a resume and a headshot. The first of many auditions for me is happening in just a matter of weeks. I covet your prayers! I am counting on the Lord to open the doors that I'm supposed to walk through. Ah! This time of life is so exciting!

gpa's, snow, and 25 years of schooling.

After a long awaited grade change, I finally got my real GPA for last semester...

3.68!

Whoo!!!

This is my best gpa yet and I'm very excited.

If you haven't caught on, this is shameless, shameless self-promotion. (Good job Hil!)

By the way, it snowed in the burg last night so we have a beautiful blanket of white....what's not beautiful is that classes aren't cancelled...

An additional side note, I'm writing again for the school paper this semester and so far I have gotten published in both of this semester's editions. I am currently working on a profile of a really nice greek professor named Dr. Croteau. He went to school WITHOUT stopping from the time he was in highschool until he was 30. 30 years old. He never took time off. Can you believe that?

I love Jason Robert Brown

I wish normal people in the world would take the time to fall in love with music from musical theater. Here are some amazing lyrics by one of my favorite composers, Jason Robert Brown. These are from a show called "Songs for a New World." I get the pleasure of singing both of these songs this semester.

Opening: The New World

WOMAN 1:
A new world calls across the ocean
A new world calls across the sky
A new world whispers in the shadows
Time to fly, time to fly

MAN 2:
It's about one moment
The moment before it all becomes clear
And in that one moment
You start to believe there's nothing to fear
It's about one second
And just when you're on the verge of success
The sky starts to change
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
There's no explaining where you stand
And you didn't know
That you sometimes have to go
‘Round an unexpected bend
And the road will end
In a new world

WOMAN 1:
A new world calls for me to follow
A new world waits for my reply
A new world holds me to a promise
Standing by, standing by

WOMAN 2:
It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world

MAN 1:
You have a house in the hills

WOMAN 2:
You have a job on the coast

MAN 2:
You find a lover you're sure you believe in

MAN 1:
You've got a pool in the back

WOMAN 2:
You get to the part of your life

MAN 2:
You hold the ring in your hand

MAN 1:
But then the earthquake hits

WOMAN 2:
And the bank closes in

MAN 2:
Then you realize you didn't know anything

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
Nobody told you the best way to steer
When the wind starts to blow

MAN 1:
And you're suddenly a stranger

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, & MAN 2:
All of a sudden

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
You life is different than you planned

MAN 1:
And you'll have to stay ‘til you somehow find a way

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
To be sure of what will be
Then you might be free

WOMAN 1:
A new world crashes down like thunder
A new world charging through the air

WOMAN 1 & MAN 1:
A new world just beyond the mountain

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, & MAN 1:
Waiting there, waiting there

WOMAN 1, WOMAN 2, MAN 1, & MAN 2:
A new world shattering the silence
There's a new world I'm afraid to see
A new world louder every moment
Come to me, come to me!


I'd Give It All for You
MAN 2:
I had a house while you were gone
The week after you left me
I found a couple acres
Near Severna Park
I had a house while you were gone
A house with silver shutters
And a driveway laid in marble
And thousands of rooms to fill
And miles of space to fly
And I tried to believe it,
It was better without you
I was safer alone

No, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it all to hold you again
To feel I'm completed
To know there and then
That all that I needed
Was you to fight the fear
And now you're here...

WOMAN 1:
I took a trip while I was gone
I cashed in all my savings
And bought an El Dorado
Drove to Tennessee
I took a trip while I was gone
I drove across the country
And I stopped at lots of diners
And stared at a million stars
And thought I could touch the sky
And I tried to believe it,
It was better without you
I was finally free

No, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I'd give it all for you
I'd give it ‘cause the mountains I climb
Get higher and higher
I'm running from time
And walking through fire
And dreams just don't come true
But now there's you...

MAN 2:
God knows it's easy to hide,
Easy to hide from the things that you feel
And harder to blindly trust
What you can't understand

WOMAN 1:
God knows it's easy to run,
Easy to run from the people you love
And harder to stand and fight
For the things you believe

MAN 2 & WOMAN 1:
Nothing about us was perfect or clear
But when paradise calls me
I'd rather be here
There's something between us
That nobody else needs to see

WOMAN 1:
There were oceans to cross

MAN 2:
There were mountains to conquer

WOMAN 1:
And I stood on the shore

MAN 2:
And I stood on the cliff

MAN 2 & WOMAN 1:
And the second before I jumped
I knew where I needed to be

Oh, I gave it all for you
I gave it all for you by my side once more
Oh, I gave it all for you
I gave it ‘cause it's harder to touch
The things that are dearer
I love you too much
To trust something clearer
I know I fell too far
But here you are...

On Authenticity and Love

So, this is the part where I have something cool and/or thought-provoking to share but I have to preface it by admitting something slightly embarrassing.

I get email devotions.

Having said that, the one that I got this morning had alot to do with some thoughts that have been going through my head since the end of the semester and throughout Christmas break. Here is what I received in my email:

The apostle Paul wrote, "Though I give my body to be burned but have not love, it profits me nothing." He says that our sacrifices have no spiritual significance if they're not motivated by love.
Let me offer a modern paraphrase:
"Though I keep a spotless house and though I'm faithful in church attendance and though I work in the church nursery every other Sunday and though I lead a Bible study or teach a Sunday school class and though I home school my kids, and all that that requires, if I do it without love, I am nothing. And if I make enormous sacrifices for my family but do it out of a sense of obligation or a desire to impress rather than love, it's worth nothing."
Do you want your life to count for something? Ask God to fill you with His love.

This thought lined right up with my thoughts, not because I have been doing all these acts of service for the Lord out of a sense of obligation, or even that I've been doing all that much (my car is clean. my room is not. :), but something that I've been mulling over since I've been home can be summed up in one word: authenticity.

For some people I think being authentic is very, very challenging. Perhaps it's because they have problems with trusting others, they've been hurt or disappointed after they've been real with someone. For others, they are too insecure and are worried about being accepted by others, so they wear a mask of inauthenticity. For others maybe they are just shallow...I don't know.

But something that I've found to be integral in my close relationships is one thing: being real. I was talking with a friend the other day and she was saying that one of my closest friendships is pretty unlikely. And I said, "why? because i'm a girl and he's a guy and it's always been platonic?" And she said, "No, because you're a preacher's daughter who hasn't necessarily made huge mistakes in life, and he's--well, definitely not."
After thinking about it, I realized that my most valued friendships aren't necessarily the ones with people who have it "all together." My most valued relationships are with people who don't give a crap. They're just real. And I love that. Of course, there are characteristics in friends that I look for and am drawn towards. I love talented people. I love passionate people. I love hilarious people. But above alllll of that, I want to surround myself with people who are authentic. Real. Incapable of being fake just to impress someone or to keep a status quo.

I know people who have "spiritual" personas. They lead Bible studies, frequent church services, carry their Bibles. But the thing is, there are people they refuse to love. Refuse to minister to. Refuse to even be around. How is this love? Is love conditional? I just don't see how you can be authentically used by God but refuse to love some people. Based on choices they've made or whatever.

So, something that I'm striving to do, especially this last semester, is to be authentic and to love. Love the girls who've betrayed me and lied to me. Love the boys who struggle with porn or homosexuality. Love people and be real with them.

When it comes down to it...as Christians...isn't that the basics, anyway?

The never ending story

"Nothing Better"
(by the Postal Service)

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...Oh, oh
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

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Falling Back in Love with the Nash

If you weren't ready to move to Nashville just yet, this may change your mind.

Nashville is cool.

Cool enough to live in.

Where have I been?

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Now and then I post a blog on here that I've taken from my blog for libertyu. This is one such time. Enjoy.

Happy (belated) Christmas!
Since I’ve last written I have been enjoying a wonderful, glorious, restful, pampered, happy, sleep-filled week at home.
Remind me why I even go to school again?
Anyway.
The last week or so has been great.
Today is the day after Christmas and things are c-r-a-z-y around my house.
“Why” you ask?
“Wedding” I answer.
My sister is getting married this Sunday—aka New Years—aka 5 days from now.

My sister.

The one I’ve known since birth.

The one that is two years older than me.

Virtually every memory from my childhood includes her.

And now she’s getting married. And this isn’t like other life changes we’ve gone through. Because going off to college, off to grad school, away for the summer, etc, always guarantees coming back. At least we’ll still have a normal Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or whatever.
Whenever we come home Ashli and I share the same bathroom. Our parents were smart and bought a house back when I was about 11 that had separate vanities (sinks, mirrors, cabinets) but an adjacent bathroom (shower, tub, etc). We’ve shared a bathroom for as long as I can remember. And the next time we all come home she’ll be staying in the guestroom with her husband across the house.
Weird.
Completely weird.

But obviously I should mention that all of this is good stuff. My dad has always said that when you have babies you never want them to grow up, but if they really stayed babies forever that would be tragic.

I suppose if we always lived with my parents and stayed in college and never got our own jobs and grew up and paid bills and got married and had our own kids—that would be tragic too.

So as bittersweet as our last Christmas with just us 4 was, I’m happy about change. My sister is getting married. She’s found someone she wants to hang out with everyday for the rest of her life. That’s pretty sweet. This May 19th, the day I am graduating from undergrad, she is graduating from law school, and Matt (her almost-husband) will be graduating with a Master’s. And then who knows where they’ll go. They’ve talked about coming back to Nashville, but they’ve also talked about going to Edinburgh. It depends on where Matt decides to go to get his PhD.

The whole growing up thing truly sneaks up on you, doesn’t it? One day you’re sitting in your senior economics 4th period class. And the next day high school is over. You’ll never have to battle that blasted 7:30 traffic again. And it’s not like it’s just over for a little while. You’ll never, ever, ever, go back to life like that. But then you meet college. And college is great. I mean GREAT. And you wonder why you ever even flinched and were sad about high school ending for a second. Life has continued to get better and better. And then you graduate college. And this is the first part of life that you’re experiencing that you’ve never really pictured ahead of time. It’s weird. You pictured high school ending. You pictured college. You pictured getting married. Maybe having kids…but you never pictured the part where you graduate college and you begin to have choices to make. Should you go to grad school? Should you go now or later? Where should you move? Should you travel? When are you going to meet someone worth marrying? Will you meet someone worth marrying? Should you move back in with your parents to save money? Or would that just be embarrassing? Will life after college actually be better? Or will you long for the days of freedom without responsibility? So far life has continually gotten better. But will that continue? Will it?

There’s all kinds of questions. Those that you ask yourself out loud. That other people ask you. And that your soul asks in the quietest, quietest part of you.
And they all deserve to be listened to. And thought about. And reasoned over. And then given to the Lord. For only “He knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future.”

So for me right now, life is one big—slow and fast—time of change. And I’m choosing to embrace it. Embrace it with faith that the Lord’s perfect will, will be done in the lives of those that are called according to His purpose. Remember that song that maybe you sang at church when you were a little thing? I was reminded of it a few days ago and it’s hope rings in my heart…

“He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it, faithful to complete it, faithful to complete it in you.”

Merry Christmas and have a Happy, Happy New Year.

What I Love...

This past week we had finals in all of our classes.
For my musical theater class our finals were performing.

Call it shameless self-promotion, or just showing you me doing what i love to do...but here's a video of my performance.

I also included two other great performances by friends of mine. Leslie is performing "Popular" from Wicked and Ashley is performing "I'm Not Afraid" from Songs For a New World. My song is considered a dramatic ballad, Leslie's is comedic, and Ashley's is contemporary. It's all probably a bit more technical than you realized...enjoy!

"Not A Day Goes By"
from Merrily We Roll Along

"Popular"
from Wicked

"I'm Not Afraid"
from Songs for a New World

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

Today cast lists were posted for yet another batch of shows here at Liberty. And I received a timely and thought-provoking bit of wisdom in my inbox:

Proud vs. Humble - Recognition

Proud people crave self-advancement.
"I've got to word this report in a way that sets me apart from the pack."

But humble people desire to promote others.
"How can I word this so that everybody gets the credit they deserve?"

Proud people feel wounded when others are promoted and they're overlooked.
"Why would they put her in charge?"

Humble people are excited when others are lifted up.
"Congratulations! Let me know how I can help."

Proud people are elated by praise and deflated by criticism.
"He's always shooting my ideas down!"

Humble people know that any praise for their accomplishments belongs to the Lord.
"It's just by God's grace."

What does recognition—or the lack of it—reveal about the condition of your heart?

"Jerks make the world go round."

It was suggested to me by a friend to explore the topic of heartbreakers in a blog. My friend didn’t use the word “heartbreaker” but she certainly could have. She suggested it to me b/c she experienced the painful and confusing brunt of a former boyfriend “opening up to her” and telling her he still thinks about her all day long but doesn’t pursue her because he’s a commitment phobe.

Her statement to me: “My heart can’t handle it.”

My question is: how does him confessing that to her benefit anyone?

One common theme that I’ve seen in my friends’ relationships throughout college is the-relationship-that-just-won’t-let-go. The guy who is best friends with a girl, gets her hopes up, then promptly dates someone else leaving her in the dust, but coming back every now and then to string her along and get her worked up again…or the guy who pursues, but then let’s things go indefinitely unspoken, never solidifying any commitment…or the guy who breaks up with the girl only to turn around and act like nothing has changed in their “relationship.”
I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of it: feeling so inclined to say that one certain thing to get the rejected party’s hopes back up (however true it may feel in that moment), only inside knowing you will never give him/her what he/she is hoping for.
It’s selfish.
It’s very, very selfish.
It’s putting one’s own ego ahead of someone else’s heart. And it’s not right. I see this a lot in the male sex, but I know girls do it too. I know I’ve done it.
And that’s pretty shameful.
So all I’m saying is, sometimes saying less is more.
Instead of saying you care about someone, or that you were thinking about them, show them love by putting their needs above your own.
I really do try to refrain from using my blog as a soapbox but this was one that was worth stepping up, whatever ridicule it may elicit.

So I want to encourage you:
Take a step back and ask yourself if the words you are dying to say to that person (to elicit some sort of comforting, ego-stroking response) will benefit them in any way—or if it might just stir up hopes, desires, and feelings in them that you have no intention of fulfilling.
So let’s all do the right thing—let’s put others ahead of ourselves.

“Love is patient; love is kind…love is not selfish.” –1 Corinthians 13.4b-5a

"We should pray when we are in a praying mood, for it would be sinful to neglect so fair an opportunity. We should pray when we are not in the proper mood, for it would be dangerous to remain in so unhealthy a condition." --Charles Spurgeon

In other news, I threw a bridal shower for my friend Kristin last night and it went really well! It was so fun throwing a little party. I should do more of that in the future. Also, I am officially done with my 7th semester of college one week from Friday. Home. Stretch. And of course the reason why I'm writing right now is because I'm really working on a paper and I'm procrastinating. But I thought that was a great quote and worth sharing. Alright...back to the grindstone...